I don't own Naruto. If I did, it would actually make sense or something crazy like that. Maybe the main character might even have his name in the title. Maybe the main character might have an IQ that takes at least two digits to write.

Note: I lied again. If you've read any of my latest one-shots you'll know what I'm talking about.

This one-shot goes out to and is dedicated to StaplersBreak. I know you're not supposed to feed the trools, but here goes...

9/5/10

Naruto's eye twitched. Once. Twice.

There were a great many things Naruto liked. There were also a great many things Naruto did not like.

Among those things if the former category were ramen, all-day training sessions, and the orange-colored clothing. Ever since they started going out, his girlfriend had been preventing him from enjoying all three of those.

Among those things of the latter category were loud noises, ungratefulness, and pain. His girlfriend was currently a source of all three of those.

How was he supposed to have known that she hated tekkadon? All she ever wanted was sweets and desert. One night it was anko dumplings with double syrup, the next night it was anmitsu with extra sugar (and let him tell you, all those sweets went straight to her stomach and thighs. It certainly didn't help that she had stopped all her physical training and exercise completely when she starting focusing more on her medical jutsu ever since she hit a plateau with her skills sometime when she was 17.)

He had been preparing for tonight's surprise dinner for weeks! Of course, since it was a surprise, Naruto often made excuses as to what he was doing, saying he was going out on missions or was out training. He endured his girlfriend's accusations that he was seeing other women with calmness and poise, hoping that all would be forgiven when the truth came out.

Naruto wanted every part of the surprise dinner to be perfect. There wasn't any particular reason for it, Naruto wasn't going to pop the question or try to get into his girlfriend's pants or anything like that; he was far too much of a gentleman. He didn't really need a reason, just like he didn't need any particular reason whenever he was coming home on a mission and decided to buy some flowers to bring home. He bough scented candles, cherry blossom scent of course, a new dinner table, and new tablecloths. He even cleaned out the house completely!

Then, it was time to prepare the dinner. Naruto timed tonight's dinner for this day, knowing that his girlfriend was on medical call, and would be at the hospital from 5 AM to 8 PM straight. That morning, Naruto went out and bought fresh Yuzu fruit, red peppers, and a bag of uncooked rice. Then he rushed home, put the perishables in the fridge, and quickly ran out to Lake Suwu. For an average person, it would take almost a full two days of travel, for a shinobi, a good 10 hours of hard travel. Sprinting the entire way (it was a good thing he had so much stamina), Naruto made it in 4 hours. With a rented boat, borrowed fishing rod, and fresh bait, Naruto spent from 11 AM to 2 PM catching tuna. Most of his catches, he thought were not perfect enough, either not big enough, or the fish looked unhealthy, so he threw them back. Finally, he caught three large tuna that were just perfect for tonight's meal.

Ignoring his grumbling stomach from his lack of breakfast or lunch, Naruto made it home by 6:30 PM, having lugged the now-dead fish in a very large icebox the entire way back. At home, he set the rice cooking, diced the red pepper into miniscule cubes, and seeded and pulped the Yuzu. He mixed the red pepper with the Yuzu and salt in just the right quantities to create a delectable spicy yet sweet sauce.

Naruto set the sauce to the side while he scaled and gutted the fish. It was quite a painstaking process, you'd never think a fish's intestines would be so lengthy, or that the scales would constantly flake off and get back into the flesh. After that, Naruto selected only the choice parts of each one to create the perfect sashimi slices.

Then the rice was ready, with perfect timing. Naruto checked the clock. It was perfect. Naruto scooped the rice into two bowls and placed the slices of tuna sashimi on them in layers. Then he gently poured the right amount of sauce on them. Naruto turned off the lights and used a tiny bit of chakra to light the scented candles.

Because tonight was a labor of love, Naruto refused to use a single shadow clone when preparing any part of tonight's dinner.

Thirty seconds after Naruto finished lighting the candles, his girlfriend walked in. With a bright smile, Naruto asked how her day was. She was not in a good mood. She replied that Ino Yamanaka, or Ino-pig-bitch as she liked to call her as of late, had been chosen to be the next head medical ninja after Tsunade retired form the hospital. How dare Ino be chosen, especially when she had been Tsunade's apprentice for longer than Ino!

Naruto chose wisely to not bring up the fact that Ino had surpassed her in medical skills almost a year ago, and that the gap had been steadily growing ever since. Instead, he stood behind her and started massaging the tense muscles at the back of his girlfriend's neck and shoulders, and guided her to her chair. His girlfriend grabbed the chopsticks, and without waiting for Naruto to sit down as well or without even so much as an 'Itadakimasu', shoved the first piece of tuna in her mouth.

Suddenly, her shoulders became even tenser, and she slowly stood up and got right in Naruto's face. He cringed, waiting for the bomb to go off.

Suddenly, his girlfriend exploded. She screamed about how eating too much fish made a person more likely to be in a bad mood. She screamed about how the light was low and that it gave the room a depressing feeling. She screamed about how eating spicy foods were bad for her complexion. And then she punched him. In the face.

Hard enough to send him through the wall.

Hard enough to send him through the wall and out of the house.

Hard enough to send him through the wall, out of the house, and through several trees.

After crawling back into the house, he watched the angry green eyes glaring at him. The bulbous nose was flared with anger, and the mouth below it was screeching out a tirade at a volume and pitch that could make fingernails on chalkboard green with envy.

Although he saw the mouth moving, Naruto didn't hear a word. A loud buzzing noise was present in his mind. Normally, Naruto tuned out his girlfriend anyways, but something was different this time. No, it wasn't the giant lump on his head that had formed after his girlfriend punched him through several trees; cranial trauma was a common occurrence with her. Naruto wasn't sure what was different about this time.

Naruto had never liked hurting women. As a shinobi, he often had to do much worse (generally killing), he accepted that fact, but he certainly never enjoyed it. However, when his fist removed his girlfriend's front two teeth, Naruto had to admit he enjoyed it quite a bit. There was sudden silence. Naruto's girlfriend, now reclining painfully on the floor, had gone mute in shock that he had actually dared to hit her, and with such force.

Naruto, standing above his girlfriend, stared at his bloody knuckles, slightly cut from the teeth that were now on the floor. A sense of what could only be called euphoria overwhelmed him. His girlfriend shuddered in fear on the floor as she watched him look back and forth from his fist to her bloody mouth. She saw his blue eyes light up as they made a connection.

And then he was on top of her, raining fists upon her face again and again, as hard as he could. For every time he remembered her hitting him as hard as she could, he punched her gigantic forehead as hard as he could. Cracks started appearing in the tile floor as Naruto had what was arguably the most pleasurable experience of his life (particularly since he was still a virgin. This bitch refused to so much as kiss him for more than ten seconds).

As suddenly as the violence started, it stopped. Naruto realized that his girlfriend was quite unconscious when her screams had cut off. Her face was a mess; her nose was bent awkwardly and several more teeth had mysteriously gone missing. Her hair, normally pink, had strings of dark red blood in it. Naruto sighed; he was having so much fun! He checked and found she still had a pulse.

Suddenly, an idea came to him. If merely punching her had been this much fun, how much more infinitely pleasurable might cutting that smooth skin and drawing her blood be?

Naruto quickly stood up and went about the house searching for something to tie his bitchy girlfriend up with. After all, it would be no fun if she was unconscious.

On second thought, a gag would probably also be good.

Her muffled screams had been absolutely delicious. When he drew the knife along her flesh, peeled layers of skin back to reveal beautiful bones and organs, Naruto had been in a state of bliss. In fact, it had given him a rush like no other.

Naruto whistled to himself as he brought the bitch's mutilated body outside and started cutting her up into little pieces. Kami, he loved having a wind element. It made chopping stuff up, whether it be steel, stone, or bone, so fantastically easy.

Already, Naruto's trickster mind was planning the next few days. He would tell everyone that they had had a fight, and that he made a quick exit from the house as his girlfriend had starting screaming, yelling, throwing things at him, hitting him, and in general just being a bitch. Then, when he came home later that night, there was no sign of her.

The sad/best part was, no one would even think twice about Naruto's story. Because it was exactly what she would do. It had happened before.

When he was finished, Naruto made a couple dozen shadow clones and had each one take a piece, small enough to be easily concealed in the palm of a hand. They scattered around Konoha, making sure no one saw them, and then buried the little pieces all over the place.

As his shadow clones implemented his plans to fool any method that might be used to track Sakura. Any Inuzuka ninken would be fooled by the scent suddenly splitting off into multiple directions. Any Aburame kikaichu would fail track her chakra signature, as a dead body exuded no chakra. Any Hyuga Byakugan would just see small pieces of flesh buried beneath the ground in random places all around Konoha, indistinct from a bone a dog buried or a rat a cat hid as a later snack. But most of all, Naruto meticulously cleaned any traces of blood from the house and from his person.

Now that Naruto was single once more, he'd go find a nice, quiet girl to go out with. Someone who didn't yell at him for eating ramen occasionally or hit him when he came home from a mission. He would have to find a girl who had always been nice to him, so that he would always be nice to her.

Kami does have a sense of humor. It is quite amusing that what goes around, comes around.

Hahaha! For some reason, evil, conniving Naruto makes me laugh. And the fact that it is Sakura makes it all the more amusing.

Please, flame this story as much as possible. You'll just be feeding my amusement. I bask in your hate. Go ahead and tell me I'm a sick, depraved person. Tell me something I don't know. It's not like I had Naruto rape Sakura. He was just tired of being her punching bag. Shinobi lead very stressful lives…and one day, he just…snapped.