I usually say quite a bit here, but this time I'm not, because I don't know what to say, lol.
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The Fall Of Azumanga:
Ahh, don't you just love Azumanga Daioh? Doesn't it make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Such a nice group of girls, each clearly holding on to grand plans for what they want to do in life; even if they never really make it clear what those plans are. But not everything can go the way you want it when you're stuck within the realm of comedy. None of the Azu girls knows it, but they're all doomed to an eternal life full of upsets and puns that make us all howl with laughter. But I'm truthfully not sure if they like that very much. If they knew that everything silly and unusual that happened to them was just to get a laugh out of us... I don't want to know what they would do; particularly in the cases of Yomi and Ms. Yukari...
I can tell what you're thinking right now. "But ZaXo, that doesn't matter, because they'll never find out. *evil grin* Let's put them in all of the hilarious situations that we can!" Well... let's hope they never realize what's going on, because we're about to take a look at what the future could be like for each of these girls if not all of their dreams and plans were to come completely true. Heh heh ha ha HA HA HA! Welcome to the Azu Zone...
Why don't we first begin our journey with one of the nicest, albeit most quite girls in the whole bunch; Sakaki:
"I just don't see what the problem is. I have a lot of animals. But I love absolutely every one of them equally," the tall, overweight, raven-haired girl told the camera, still as quite as she'd been when she graduated high school twenty years ago. But her small voice was now drenched in sass and contempt. She placed the big cigar back in her mouth, adjusted her hat, and wrapped her arms across her chest, clearly not interested in the questions she was being asked.
"Miss Sakaki has had a problem with with collecting animals for over a decade now, her family unable to stop this disastrous cycle," came the deep male voice of the narrator. "Prior to this, she even appeared on the show 'Hoarding: A Love Story', and was one of the few people who didn't seem affected by any of the techniques used to help people with such problems. She showed a strong tendency to be violent the entire time, severely injuring anyone who attempted to go near her 'pets'. But the worst came when the host of the show was actually able to make it inside her house. Sakaki was out buying pet food at the time."
"To the shock of the cameramen and the host alike, they came to find that all of Miss Sakaki's pets were actually just stuffed animals. Thousands of them covered the interior of her home, drowning the furniture in cuteness. All too soon however, Sakaki arrived back home. When she saw other people in her house, she went absolutely ballistic, tossing the crew through the windows of her third story apartment. Luckily, there were bushes below to break there fall, and nobody was killed."
The screen changed suddenly, once again to the dark background Sakaki had been in a minute before. However, this time there was an elderly, disparate woman in the chair, crying her eyes out. "I just don't know what got into her," the women explained. "My daughter used to be so polite; so smart. But one day she just lost it, screaming something about never being able to be as cute as 'those carrot orange pigtails' as she ran down the street. Come to think of it though, that was right after her pet... her pet mixed breed cat died. Maybe this animal collecting is her way of trying to fill the void he left. Regardless, it's time for this to stop. That's why we came to you," the woman explained, looking up hopefully. "This interjection is our last hope..."
The television screen suddenly went black, and the date appeared on it in bright, white lettering. It was soon replaced, the words 'Interjection Day' filling the screen. A gong sounded quietly in the background, as the picture changed to a vehicle pulling up to a strange, office-like building. Sakaki stepped out of the car, the suspension lifting as her heavy body left it's seat. She was still smoking a cigar, giant sunglasses covering her eyes, though she was no longer wearing a hat. Anyone watching could now see that the top of her head was completely bald, her overgrown and under-maintained hair coming entirely from the sides and back of her head.
"So what exactly are we doing here again?" Sakaki's silent but gruff voice sounded impatiently, looking around to the other side of the car as her mother stepped out from the driver's seat.
"Well, I met a man who said he sells 'pets'. His prices sounded cheap, so I thought I'd get you some," Sakaki's mother announced nervously, opening both of the double-doors so that her daughter could fit through.
"Maybe I can find a new friend for Maya. He'd like that," Sakaki announced delightedly, thinking back for a moment to her now stuffed Iriomote Cat back at home. For a split second, her eyes and the sound of her voice returned to the innocent place they had been years ago. But they were still tainted by the irreversibly deranged mind of a woman who had clearly lost it.
The two of them walked down the hallway of the quiet building, until they reached a door at the end. Sakaki's mother opened it slowly, and walked inside, her hefty daughter following behind. Inside was a couch, an armchair, and a man sitting in that chair. He stood up and shook both of their hands. He didn't say his name right away, offering them both seats on the couch first. "So, where are all of your cute little animals?" Sakaki asked, getting straight to the point, as she puffed her cigar.
"Sakaki, we're all here because we love you," the man announced, before realizing how useless such a statement was, since only he and Sakaki's mother were in the room for support. Sakaki looked at him as if he wasn't all there, not understand what that statement had to do with anything. "I'm Doctor Harima, and I'm here to help you with your stuffed animal problem. This is... and interjection," the man explained.
"What the *beep*?" Sakaki's censored voice rang from the television speakers, as she got off of the couch and punched the doctor in the face, leaving him knocked out cold. Once again, the screen went black, white lettering appearing as it had before. 'Miss Sakaki is currently on the loose, and no longer mentally stable. If anyone has any information about her possible whereabouts, please contact the police immediately.'
The show then ended, changing suddenly to an add for a delicious new hamburger being sold at Magnetron Burger.
"I never expected that to happen to her," a deep, booming voice sounded from the couch across from the television. The 'click, click' of the buttons on a remote control could be heard from the same area as the voice, the channel on the TV changing repeatedly in unison with the sounds. Finally, it rested on a news channel, that was currently talking about a recent string of startling armed robberies.
"Each of the robberies was pulled off right under the noses of the police, and each was a huge success, millions of dollars being stolen," one of the news anchors explained, as the video of the most recent robbery was being shown over and over again.
"Apparently the two women had been friends since they were young children, though one of them was constantly pulling the other in a less 'favorable' direction," the other anchor said, the screen now switching to a picture of a women with a fake mustache on her face. The name under it said 'Tomo Takino'. For a split second it seemed absurd for her to be dumb enough to wear a fake mustache in order to throw off suspicion. But the longer the picture was on the screen, the more her face looked like it could indeed be that of a male; having not aged well at all. Soon, another picture replaced the previous, showing a fairly cute women in glasses, who looked to be in her mid thirties. However, beyond her glasses, large, dark bags could be seen under her eyes, and she didn't look particularly happy at the moment. Under the picture was this woman's name as well; Koyomi Mizuhara.
"This amazingly daring string of robberies lasted for almost two months, literally dozens of banks being emptied in that small period of time. Police believe the two women started their criminal activities years ago, and think they might possibly have been single-handedly responsible for the massive pickpocketing epidemic of 2012. But even more than that, authorities also have reason to believe that they also had a hand in several terrorist attacks just for the 'fun of it', the resurrection of the Yakuza across the entire nation of Japan, and even possibly global warming."
"The craziest thing is that it isn't likely that either of the girls would have ever been caught, if things hadn't gone as wrong as they did," the first anchor started. "Two days ago, the body of Tomo Takino was found in a Tokyo apartment that is now confirmed to be one of hundreds of hideouts the girls shared. Her partner was found kneeling down by the body, cackling as if she was completely insane. Evidence had shown that Miss Takino was strangled to death, and was confirmed when Miss Mizuhara was questioned."
The screen changed to a short video of Yomi in an orange jumpsuit, handcuffs around her wrists. She looked absolutely delighted as she spoke. "Yeah, I killed her. I just couldn't take her anymore. That girl was so damn annoying! She was always getting on my nerves, and making mistakes that I had to make up for. It's her fault that I ever chose this route in my life anyway," Yomi explained. "And she was always calling me fat! I'm not fat... am I?" she asked the officer as he grabbed her arm and got her to stand up from her chair. As they left the view of the camera, Yomi's voice could be heard trailing off. "Well, at least I won't have to be around her while I'm in prison," she cackled. The screen went back to the two anchors, who conversed between themselves about their opinions on the story for a few seconds.
"She's going to Hell, and she can bet on Tomo being there to annoy her when she gets there," the booming voice on the couch joked, laughing heartily. The mysterious viewer kept watching the channel, curious as to what the next story was going to be.
"In other news..." the first anchor began, the camera closing in on her face, and a picture subtitled 'Regime In Turmoil' appearing next to it. "...the unrest in Chiyoslovakia seems to be growing to terrible levels, as the rebellion there has now moved from simple riots, to all out war tactics in an attempt to bring the tyrannical dictatorship down. The small island out in the middle of the ocean seems to be gaining the same level of media popularity it did during it's inception; nearly twenty years ago. However, this time the news isn't as cheery as it was back then; violence and death threatening to bring the entire foundation of the country down."
Video of the recent riots filled the screen, while the anchors continued with the story. "It is now confirmed that the resistance is being lead by none other than Commander Kagura, one of the few childhood friends to dictator Chiyo Mihama. It's rumored that Kagura was instrumental in the development of Chiyoslovakia during it's infancy, but soon grew to dislike the harsh way Emporor Mihama was treating her people."
The screen changed to show a makeshift video recorded by Kagura a few days before. She was now extremely buff, yet looked fairly weathered and tired as she talked into the camera she held in her hands. "Chiyo's reign has gone on far too long. She's had too many people killed simply because she's on a sick power-trip. She's paranoid that everyone is out to get her, and she's recently began having live executions of innocent people in order to scare us into submission," Kagura explained. "That's why we need to end this as soon as we can, before she does any more damage to this once beautiful country."
"It seems that Miss Kagura's goals are for the betterment of her country, and many other nations have seen this. Most of the world's military forces have agreed to help her out with her plans to overthrow the dictatorship, though so far, nothing has seemed to work," one of the anchors started, handing the conversation off to the other. "A recent series of once hidden documents showed that Chiyo Mihama was actually considered a child prodigy when she was young, and her intelligence and ability to learn only grew exponentially as she got older. So assuming this is correct, it's not exactly hard to see why everyone is having such a problem with her military, which has implemented revolutionary tactics, weapons, and gadgets, such as the 'Mihama-Bomb', and the 'Personal Pigtail-Copter'."
The television suddenly shut off, and the person on the couch stood up, realizing something wasn't quite right at the moment...
Osaka wandered along through the desert sands, knowing that she was bound to discover something magnificent eventually. What that something was however, she had absolutely no idea. Her blank expression shown that of someone who wasn't tired in the least, though the woman had traveled thousands of miles in the last twenty years, rarely taking any breaks along the way other than when she needed supplies.
"Aww darn it," Osaka drawled, sitting atop a nearby rock as the scorching sun beat down on her. She took off her shoes one by one, and emptied them of sand for what was now the thirty-seventh time that day. "Okay, this time I'm gonna remember not ta drag my feet," she announced to herself as she placed the shoes back on her feet and walked on once again. "I'm not gonna drag my feet, I'm not gonna drag my feet," the girl repeated over and over, lazily attempting to stay focused. However, she was so concerned with repeating the words, that within a few meters, she was dragging her shoes through the sand, just as before.
Just a few minutes later, Osaka could once again feel that her shoes were completely full of the warm desert floor. Noticing this and starting to get annoyed, she began to walk towards the nearest rock. Without warning, the toe of her left shoe caught on something, and she fell face first into the sand. Osaka sat up, coughing, as sand caked her face. "Well darn it!" she yelled rather weakly, not bothering to sweep the grains off of her face. The girl was too concerned with finding what had tripped her.
Out of the sand at her feet poked a small, pointy green object. Osaka started digging at it, and realized that much of it was buried. Her hands scooped the dirt out faster and faster, true excitement flowing through her body for the first time in her life. Ten minutes later, the absolutely breathtakingly beautiful object was completely dug up. Osaka looked it over curiously, never seeing anything like it before. "What in tha world?" she asked herself, staring intensely into the shiny exterior of the strange shape in her hands.
Silence once again ensued for a few minutes as she looked the object over, until finally... "Oh, I get it!" she announced happily. "This thing's gonna tell me the meaning of life!"
Osaka raised her hand up to the top, and pressed a button that was invisible to the naked eye. The object opened, a bright white glow emanating from inside. Suddenly, thousands upon thousands of images and words flowed through her vacant mind, filling it to the brim. Osaka could do nothing but marvel at what was going on inside her head. All too soon however, it had stopped, leaving her to herself. But she was no longer confused. She knew everything; everything there was to know.
"I've got it. Tha meanin' of life is-" Osaka started, before a loud bang shot through the air from behind her.
"Whoa! Don't say it out loud!" the big booming voice from the couch called out.
"Why not?" Osaka asked, though in reality she already knew the answer. She turned slowly to face the being behind her.
"Let's just say the consequences are worse than if you divided by zero," the person before her explained.
"Oh, I get it," Osaka started happily. "So who're you then?" she questioned.
"You should know that already if you opened 'The Artifact'," the tall stranger explained, unsure why Osaka was asking such a silly question when she knew everything there was to know. "I'm the God that watches over this universe, and I'm here to tell you that it's your turn to take over for me."
"But why?"
"Because you found that," the stranger continued, pointing to the artifact. "Now that it has been found, it is your turn to rule over everything, and I am to give you my powers... as well as my great television package," the deity said in a slightly sour tone. "The couch is the most comfortable in the land, and you'll get millions of TV channels from all over the universe for free... you know; because you're a god and everything," he finished, unsure if giving someone like Osaka his powers was a smart idea. Unfortunately for him, he had no choice.
"Now, it's time for you to become immortal!" his voice boomed. "It's time for you to become a god!"
With a bright flash of light, the deity yelled to the skies, channeling all of his powers to Osaka in an instant. When everything was said and done, he was nowhere to be found. Osaka expected herself to now be sporting a white beard, bald head, and ripped abs. But everything about her was exactly the same as it had been. Deciding that the only way to tell if it had all been a dream or reality was to try to use her supposed 'infinite powers', Osaka thought hard about what she wanted. Soon though, her mind began to wander to other things, her train of thought becoming stranger and stranger by the second.
Then it hit her; she had the perfect idea. "Oh yeah! Wouldn't it be cool if everything in the universe was suddenly-"
Another bright light came from that area, though this time it enveloped the whole entire universe. All that could be heard was the simultaneous "OOOOH SHIII-" coming from every mortal being in existence...
As you can see, the moral of the story is that not everything can go the way you want it to... Wait, that's not right. Umm, the moral is... uhh, I guess there could be two of them...
1. Take every chance you can get to laugh at the antics and situations the Azu girls get in to. I'm sure that in reality (their reality anyway :P) they enjoy making us happy.
2. Don't let Osaka become a god.
That was kind of strange, eh? I hope it was funny though. At very least, the concept for each of the characters is great, though (depending on your thoughts) they might not have been executed very well. But that's what the review button is for, so I'd be delighted if you used it :D Hope You Liked :)