Broken
I wanted you to know that I love the way you laugh.
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away.
I keep your photograph and I know it serves me well.
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain.
Kakashi closed his eyes as he sat on his knees in the soaked grass from the constant and continuing rain. He seemed to be as part of the landscape with his motionless body and the absence of his mind. The raindrops dropped off of his hair as if it was a rain shower all its own. He wasn't paying attention. He never did pay attention on this day. He hadn't for many years. What made now any different?
The pain inside of his heart was greater than that pain in his body. He was injured from a fight against the Sand and Sound, but he never made it as far as this when they decided to retreat. This is where he was planning to die. He wanted to die on the spot where many others like him had died before. Yandaime-sama… the Fourth Hokage… his teacher and friend. Rin… his next best friend… and first partner. And of course… his best friend out of them all… Obito… the one who gave him his left Sharingan eye. All of them had died in front of his eyes, and he'd done nothing about it, other than sulk and wish he had. But that never helped anyone.
The only other memory he had of them was the team picture. But even that wasn't enough to keep the pain and weakness aside. He needed more, but couldn't find it in the deepest parts of his heart.
Tears formed in the darkening orbs of his eyes. They were heavy and full of pain that would never be pinned back until this moment, when he would never get to see his family again. That was the worst pain of all in his heart. They were waiting for him back home, but he'd never make it. He'd promised he'd come back to them. He'd promised he'd get to see his daughter grow up, or to feel his wife safe in his arms again. That was what he wanted most, but would never get.
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome.
And I don't feel right when you're gone away.
You've gone away.
You don't feel me here....anymore.
He fought back the urge to sob and break down, but he knew he couldn't hold it for long. There was still that last little shimmer of a voice that told him he had to stay strong… even now, when everything was falling apart. But the urge to give up was stronger than to keep fighting and die faster. Maybe if he just waited, he might see them one last time.
He suddenly placed his hands on the ground in front of him and held himself up. He started to feel the weakness and pain catch up to him. A few coughs shattered his already struggling lungs. He noticed the blood splattered on the ground in front of him. He was going to die. He could already see that. He was too far beaten and destroyed, he'd never be able to keep up with the others.
The rain splashed over the blood and mixed it in with the dirt below. But that wasn't the only blood that had been washed down below the green carpet. The continuously flowing blood from his wounds dripped and streamed off of his body. His life was draining just as fast. Soon, there'd be nothing left.
The cold water ran into the wounds causing even more pain. The jonin flinched and whimpered to himself. He clutched his stomach feeling the pain worsen there. He'd been sliced open across his abdomen and the blood flowed freely from it.
The strain of his wounds and loss of strength forced him to collapse to his side. He didn't fight the pain this time and yelped. He flinched for a few moments, then laid still. He was too tired to even try to get back up. He just laid in the grass and waited for death to take him.
The tears rolled down his face into the grass silently. He was guilty for never saying anything to Kaida and Saiko he really wanted to. Just a few "I love you" 's never were enough. There was so much more he had to say, but he could see it wasn't meant to be said.
He closed his eyes tightly and turned his head to face the ground.
********************************
Saiko paced the floor in the Hokage's office as she waited for the reports to come in of the wounded and missing ninjas. Kakashi hadn't come back from his counter attack on the Sand and Sound. He'd chased them out of the village and fought them back. But there was no word of the out come.
She started to feel like something was wrong. She wanted to send out a search party to retrieve any of the missing, but it was still a bit too soon. Until they were sure everything was over, the searching would be held off.
Tsunade looked up and shook her head with every report she had received as soon as she got them. She was worried too. But there was nothing she could do until the official report was in. She could only sit and watch her friend pace in front of her and hope to Heaven they'd find Kakashi.
Kaida watched her mother nervously. She was afraid about her father's safety as well. But she was only ten. There was nothing she could do but sit and watch. She was praying constantly from the time she sat down, and was still praying at the moment. It didn't look like she was going to stop.
The next stack of reports came in.
Tsunade sifted through them and finally found what she was looking for. She sat still and read the paper over and over again to make sure her eyes weren't tricking her. Tears formed in her eyes as she realized she wasn't being tricked. She covered her mouth and dared to say anything, but she knew she had to. "Saiko…" she whispered softly with the sad tone.
Saiko stopped and looked up at the Lady Hokage. She saw the tears in her eyes and swallowed hard. "What?" she squeaked. "What happened?"
Tsunade highlighted the title of the page and circled one of the names printed under it. She held it up for Saiko to see. She couldn't bare to say the category and name she'd highlighted.
Saiko froze and found she couldn't breathe. Her heart seemed to stop as well. Her face became pale and she felt sick to her stomach.
There in big bold letters was the title, Missing. And just a few names down the list, was in fact, "Kakashi Hatake".
All three of them sat or stood silently with shock and pain in their eyes. They couldn't believe it. It was the first time he'd actually been listed as a missing ninja. He'd always come home or been found before a report could be filed. But this time… he hadn't come back in time.
Tsunade laid the paper down and pressed the radio button on her desk. She said a few words to the recipient and then pressed it again. She slowly stood up and walked over to Saiko. "I've just sent a search party. They'll find him. They won't stop until they do." she said softly.
Just as she finished, the radio beeped as a sign of a message. Tsunade walked back over and pressed the button. "Yes?" she asked.
"Lady Hokage, we've just received word that Asuma, Karunai, and Gei have already found him. They called in just as you called out." the dispatcher replied.
Tsunade felt the panic wash over her. She looked up at Saiko and noticed she'd come out of her trance and was listening for anymore information. The Hokage looked back down. "What's the status on his condition?" she asked in a rushed tone.
"He's in critical condition. But they can't move him from where he's at. They called for field medical attention. They also said to send out his family. He's wanting to see them." he answered again.
Before Tsunade could turn around and see what Kaida and Saiko were doing, they were gone. They'd heard what he said, then took off like a rocket without listening more.
The worst is over now. And we can breathe again.
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away.
There's so much left to learn and no one left to fight.
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain.
Saiko and Kaida ran through the rain towards the training grounds following the medical squad. They felt the rain pelt their faces and soak them to the bone, but it didn't matter. Something far more important was fighting for his life out here. They needed to reach him and quickly.
The small group they were in slowed down at the edge of the trees. They landed on the ground in the clearing and scanned the area. There in the middle of it, just in front of the memorial stone, was the four jonin.
Asuma, Karunai, and Gei all turned their heads in their direction. All of them had saddened faces.
"Kakashi!" Saiko screamed through the rain. She ran forward as fast as she could towards them.
Kaida followed silently with a horrified look on her face.
Kakashi's eyes opened slightly at the sound of his name. He knew that voice from somewhere. He'd heard a lot of voices in the last few minutes. But this one was the only one he could match to a face. He slowly rose from the ground to his haunches and ignored the pain in his body and the hands trying to keep him down.
Saiko landed on her knees beside him and hugged him as tightly as possible. Tears streamed down her face and she started to sob. She buried her head in his chest and praised the highest power for his life.
Kakashi hugged her back with everything he had. He let his own tears fall as he embraced his wife. His fear of leaving them without saying good bye was no more. In fact, the thought of leaving them at all was now completely gone. But his wounds told him otherwise. He buried his head against her shoulder and hoped he'd never have to see her like this again.
"Thank God… I thought I lost you." Saiko cried. She tightened her grip around him and never wanted to let go. She sobbed again and slowly reached up and kissed him desperately.
Kakashi kissed her back just as desperately. He placed his bloody hands on her cheeks and managed to stay up to kiss her. He slowly pulled away and panted. He gently and weakly placed his forehead against hers. "I love you." he managed to whisper.
Saiko grasped his hand and squeezed it tightly. "I love you too." she whispered back. She noticed he was starting to feel heavy in her arms. She supported him up and held him tightly.
Kaida sat down on the other side and supported him from there. She hugged him tightly as she did so.
Kakashi kissed her on the forehead gently. "And I love you." he murmured.
Kaida nuzzled him and leaned against him. "I love you too, Daddy. Always and forever." she replied softly. She tightened her grip on him and never wanted to let go like her mother.
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open.
And I don't feel like I am strong enough.
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome.
And I don't feel right when you're gone away.
Kakashi's body finally gave out and his weight started to crush his organs. Blood started to flow from his mouth and wounds more freely than before. He coughed once sending blood in a fine misted shower ahead of him.
Saiko caught him before he could hit the ground with a gasp in surprise and worry. "Kakashi." she said softly. She moved some of the damp hair from his face and cradled him in her arms. She watched sadly as she realized he was in terrible pain and losing strength.
"Daddy?" Kaida asked softly. She knew if he kept talking, he'd be okay. But the problem was making sure he could talk.
Kakashi didn't say anything as he sat there. He felt weak and unable to continue this way. Either he needed help, or they should just finish him off now. This was too much for he and his family both.
He flinched and grabbed his stomach tightly. His eyes were tightly shut and he prayed for it to be over as soon as possible. When it did pass, the only thing he could do was breathe. But even that was a chore.
Saiko placed her hand on his and helped to suppress the wound. She watched him sadly. Panic suddenly filled her eyes when she felt the blood run over her fingers. She was unable to speak because of the fright in her body.
Gei looked up sternly and growled at the medics. "Get over here now or it'll be your lives at risk." he snarled. He stood just beside Saiko as she held her husband in her arms.
The medical ninjas quickly did as they were told and rushed forward. They left Saiko to keep a hold of him as they got to work trying to stop the bleeding. Their hands were soon soaked in blood and rain water since the rain hadn't seceded.
Saiko adjusted Kakashi so his head was on her lap. She placed her hands on his cheeks and lowered her head so it was covering his. She stroked his face softly hoping that it was enough to keep him awake and willing to keep fighting.
Kakashi's hands drifted up to hers and he pulled her head down just a bit more. He kissed her softly and decided that was really the only way to make sure she knew he was still alive and awake. He could taste the blood starting to flow into his mouth again, but he refused to let that stop him.
Saiko kissed him back and could taste his blood. She didn't like it, but because she loved him enough to ignore it, she continued to kiss him. She closed her eyes and started to change the kisses into ones of passion instead of the soft weak ones.
Kakashi shifted the intensity when the pain subsided enough to give him the extra strength to change it. He started to feel his strength come back slowly, but he'd never get the full strength back. Not even Tsunade would have been able to heal the wounds enough to keep him alive. He was going to die within the hour.
Saiko was all too aware of the condition of her husband. She was already upset that nothing could be done for him. She wanted him to live and stay with her forever, but nothing was going to be able to help that. She had to let him go.
She let the realization hit her and her tears fall freely from her eyes. She gently pulled away and laid her forehead against his. She held his head gently in her hands. Her eyes closed tightly and she sobbed quietly.
Kakashi's hands stayed tangled in her hair and up against her cheeks. He listened to her cry. His heart tore inside his chest. He didn't want her to be so broken and sad inside. He wanted her to know he'd never truly leave her. He was always with her no matter what. Not even death could take him away.
He opened his mouth to speak, but he never got to say a word. He flinched as something on the inside literally tore apart. His heart picked up to an unnatural rhythm and pace. His breathing became shallower and more labored. The pain shot through his body time and time again causing him to shiver and shutter.
"Daddy!" Kaida cried fearfully. Tears streamed down her face in raging rivers of pain and hurt. She gently took his hand and held it against her cheek as it reached for her. She nuzzled against it and watched helplessly as her father's body ripped apart from the inside. She closed her eyes tightly and squeezed the shaking hand.
Gei was infuriated. "What the hell's going on?!" he snarled angrily. He glanced around the group of medics and waited for one of them to give him an answer. He didn't like seeing a comrade in pain and suffering like this.
The medics were racing and panicking to figure that out themselves. They searched everywhere to figure out what was going wrong. But they couldn't find anything. Some new form of torment was being used to slowly kill the silver haired jonin.
One of the medics had enough. He placed his hand on the jonin's chest and forced chakura into Kakashi's body. He closed his eyes tightly and hoped this would work. He knew it wasn't going to save his life, but at least it would make it less painful.
Saiko squeezed her eyes even tighter together and prayed this would finally end. Whatever end may take her husband, it had to be painless. She didn't want him to suffer to death. It would only make her suffering worse as well.
Kakashi's body slowly relaxed and his heart and breathing slowed. He came to rest as he had been earlier, but he was hardly responsive. His limbs slowly fell limp. His eyes remained open but, in a relaxed and nearly dead state.
His heart rate and breathing continued to drop to almost normal. But it wasn't stopping at normal. It was continuing to drop slower and slower. He was dieing a painless death induced by the medic that had touched him.
It dropped to a barely measurable pulse.
Kakashi started to fight the darkness closing in on him. He didn't want to leave his family alone if they needed him. He wasn't going to give up unless they told him to do so.
His eyes closed and he started to tense up a bit as the pain came back.
Saiko gently opened her eyes and kissed Kakashi one last time to relax him. She made sure it was a kiss he'd never forget wherever he was going.
She let the tears and her sobs freely make themselves known. She was upset that she was about to admit defeat and let him go. But she was stuck with no other choice. It was better for him in the next life. They'd see each other again sooner than they knew. It wasn't like he didn't leave his mark on this world already.
She gently pulled away after a few moments and looked down at him sadly. She faintly smiled and moved the bloody and waterlogged strands of hair away from Kakashi's face. She remembered the first time she laid eyes on it. She remembered everything she'd ever done with him, for him, or even to him. They were all memories forever burned in her now half heart.
"I love you Kakashi Hatake. Always and forever. I'll be waiting and praying to see you again someday." she whispered softly to him. She gently kissed him on the forehead. She slowly looked up at her daughter.
Kaida was quietly sobbing beside her. She was listening and watching as her father's vitals became faint. She gently laid down next to him and laid her head against his chest. She hugged him softly. "I love you too Daddy. I'll never forget you and all you taught me." she said between the gentle sobs. She closed her eyes tightly and let the pain take over her. She started to sob louder and harder.
Saiko lowered her head again and nuzzled against his ear. She waited a few moments before laying her head in the curve of his neck. She knew he was still fighting and she wanted it to end. She started to sob and then kissed him once more. This time, it was the final goodbye.
"Let go Kakashi." she whispered softly. "Just let go. We'll be alright."
There was only a faint hesitation as the last breath escaped the lungs of the silver haired legend. Several short moments later, the now lightened heart of the jonin gave it's last beat. The light died from his eyes and they closed as he passed from the world of the living.
Kakashi Hatake died in the arms of his family and in the presence of friends. He would never be forgotten. His teachings would never be left to rest with no one.
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open. 'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome. You're gone away.
And I don't feel like I am strong enough.
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome.
And I don't feel right when you're gone away.
And I don't feel right when you're gone... away.
You don't feel me here....anymore.