Things Left Unsaid

She shivered slightly, wrapping the collar of her coat firmly around her neck as she walked cautiously across a darkened field, the wind whipping her hair across her face and wildly into the air. It has been months since the last time she's been here, the old, crumbling headstones seemed less depressing in the daylight, but know, in the dark moonlit night, she realized how lonely and stark they seemed. She stopped in her tracks, a million things running through her mind; what was she doing? She never thought of herself as an impulsive person before, but now? Now she was standing alone in an eerily quiet cemetery in the middle of the night, the only sounds being the low whistling of the wind that chilled her through her winter coat, and the crackling and moaning of the large oak trees that lined the aisles of headstones.

She shook her head, setting her shoulders and walking a little more quickly to her destination. She chuckled to herself, when did it become like this? When she was younger all she had to do was pray, and talk and confess and pour her heart out to Him, her faith had been her anchor, her life, the strong beating heart that held her family together. She used to be able to close her eyes and speak so easily to Him, she knew that she would never hear His voice or see Him, but she knew that He was listening, He would always listen no matter what. That thought alone had made her heart and soul fill with warmth, and the uncomfortable pews that she often occupied as a child didn't seem so uncomfortable, and her father's long winded sermons didn't bore her as they would many her age, but brought her a sort of comfort. Her faith had been the warm blanket to shelter her from the cold winds of loneliness and the firm hand to put her back on the right path when she strayed too far. She clenched her jaw, her heart quickening when she caught a glimpse of a familiar name.

Adam Torres

Beloved Son, Brother, and Friend

She didn't realize she was crying until she reached up to brush a strand of hair from her face, and felt the warm trails of tears dripping from her eyelashes onto her cheek. She wiped her eyes and nose with the sleeve of her coat, kneeling down in front of the gray headstone she traced the etched letters on the hard, cold surface.

"Long time no see, Adam." She sobbed, though a bright smile was plastered unconvincingly on her face. She looked around, feeling her heart clench when she saw that there were barely any flowers or mementos around.

"They must've blown away, it's been so windy out, and I promise I'll get you something." She muttered, pulling the little weeds that had sprung up around his headstone "I'll superglue it if I have to." She chuckled, sniffling as she continued to tidy up his gravesite "I know you wouldn't care for flowers…" She sighed, remembering the beautiful roses that he had sent her, only for them to be torn apart by her angry, impulsive hands.

"I'm so sorry…" She cried out, hunching over and holding her shoulders tightly, her body leaning heavily on the sturdy gray stone "Everyone told me not to blame myself, that it wasn't my fault, but I still sometimes think…." She shook her head, this wasn't what she came out here for, she was sure Adam had heard her apologies and had forgiven her long ago, but she still felt that horrible empty pit in her stomach every time she thought about their breakup, and Adam's death.

"I was lying in bed." She started off awkwardly, sighing a little before continuing "And I was trying to get some things off my chest, but…" She paused, looking at the dark sky, peppered with bright twinkling stars "I've never felt so disconnected." She explained, looking down at Adam's name and imagining his face, his eyes, the way he would turn towards her, and place her hands in his like he used to do when she wanted to talk about things that were bothering her "When I used to talk to Him…" She continued "I always felt this, I don't know, this understanding, like I was being listened too." She felt her eyes sting as new tears threatened to leak from her tear ducts "But know it feels like no matter how hard I pray, how hard I try to speak my mind that He isn't listening anymore." This time she did feel the tears drop, felt them running over her cheeks and down her chin, she buried her face in her hands "So much is happening in my life, my world had been turned upside down, my brother, my family, my faith…" She felt a pang of guilt as she added in her mind that his brother was another one of her worries.

"Adam…" She called out, even though she knew he wouldn't respond, that she would never hear him say her name again, well not until she was ready to depart this world to the next "Adam…I wish you were here, I'm still so lost without you…" She mumbled pathetically into her hands "That's why I'm here, I need someone to talk to, to listen to me without judgment or any unnecessary comments…I mean, you wouldn't be able to even if you wanted to." She chuckled bitterly, wiping the last tears from her face "You were really good at that you know, listening, making me feel better about things, making me feel like I had someone in this world I could count on."

She still remembered the day she heard about his accident, she had still been down in Florida, feeling a bit sad that Adam had not responded to her text. She had come to the conclusion that if he didn't text her back by the next day, she would call him and set things straight, but things didn't turn out the way she had planned. She often wondered, when she had been lying in her bed, thinking about the possibility of fixing things with him, the butterflies in her stomach from both nervousness and excitement keeping her awake most of the night, had he been in that hospital bed? Had he been in pain? The next morning when she awoke, she immediately checked her phone only to find a text from an unknown number and many more from friends, as well as a myriad of missed calls. She had opened the text from the unknown number and her life changed forever.

"I prayed, I prayed and prayed." She said, her voice tight and scratchy "But I knew that it wasn't up to me, that no matter how hard I prayed and begged that it wasn't up to me." She sighed shakily, recalling her hopeless pleas as she begged God not to take Adam away, not yet, not when they had started to love each other so much, but she knew that He wasn't a genie, He didn't grant any wishes, no matter how good of a girl she had been, or how much she loved him, or how hard she prayed, He wouldn't do that.

"It took me a long time, to stop thinking about you constantly." She confessed, brushing her knuckles across his name "The first week was terrible, you were all I could think about, at home, at school, in church, in my dreams." She whispered, as if she was telling him a secret "Everything would remind you of me, the color of the sky when it was especially clear." She envisioned his eyes, his endlessly blue eyes that took her breath away when she first looked directly at them and realized that she may like him in a "more-than-a-friend" sort of way "Or I would catch your scent in the most random of places, though I think most of it was just my imagination." She smiled, pressing the back of her hand to her lips "I still remember what it felt like to kiss you." She blushed, embarrassed that she would say something like that out loud, but she remembered that she was talking to Adam, her first love and one of her most sincere friends.

"After about a month, new things popped up in my life, so I didn't think about you much, just at night, right before I would drift off to sleep, there you'd be, waiting for me…"She trailed off, thinking of those nights, and how she had been relieved to see his smiling face, and she would always happily fall into his arms.

"More days passed, and I thought of you less and less, and eventually, I went entire days without thinking about you, you even stopped visiting my dreams." She looked back to his headstone, leaning her head against it, the cold surface stinging her face a little, but she didn't relent.

"Then there's days like these…" She started, pulling her knees to her chest and hugging herself, feeling her legs and toes go numb from the cold "…days where I just live life, and then bam, there you are, and the thought you nearly knocks me off my feet." She clenched her chest, feeling her heart clench painfully "And I remember, you were the person that I would go to when I felt like my life was falling apart, when I felt like no one on this earth understood me." She smiled sadly "I hope it was as good for you as it was for me, I hope I made you feel like you weren't so alone in this world, I know you had a lot of friends, and people who admired and loved you, but I always kind of hoped in the back of my mind that…that I was more than just your girlfriend, that I was your friend, best friend even." She knew it sounded a bit selfish, but she learned that being a little selfish every now and then wouldn't hurt anybody.

She talked for thirty more minutes, talking to Adam about the things that were happening in her life, she mentioned a bit guiltily that she had been seeing his brother, but she didn't dwell on that for too long. She talked about her brother, her family, school life, she talked about all the things that had been bothering her, and for the first time in a long time, she felt like someone was listening, actually listening. As she continued, she felt a bit of the hole in her chest fill up a little, and the wind stopped being so cold, though she thought that was probably because she was starting to lose feeling in her entire body from the cold. When she finally felt that she had said what she wanted to, she heaved herself up, and dusted her pants and coat off.

"I'll visit more often, you must get lonely here." She said, grinning a bit sadly "I'll bring something nice, I just have to think about what it is I want to get you, I can't lug out your game console, even though I'm sure you'd just love that." She giggled softly, a soft smile gracing her red, wind burned face "I'll talk to you soon, Adam." She looked hard at the headstone, before turning around and making the long journey back to her mother's car.

She stopped abruptly before turning back and gazing warmly at him, and she whispered so softly her words were swept away by the wind "I love you Adam Torres, you will always be the best man ever." She smiled, turned back and continued on her way as the moon shone so brightly she nearly had to squint. Tomorrow would be better, she knew it in her heart, and Adam would make sure it would be.

But Not Unheard