The all too familiar words echoed in my ears, over and over again.
"You have to- if you ever want it to work out. Us… to work out."
I remember the warmth of her embrace. She held me so tightly. Her arms, so delicate yet firm and secure. In that moment, I wanted to stay in there forever. I wanted it to last forever. The most difficult part of it all was coming to terms with the fact that it wouldn't. I knew it wouldn't. However, a part of me couldn't help but pray for it not to end. As she let go, I squeezed her one more time before resting my head on her shoulder.
"Qu-Quinn… I have to…" She had no other choice but to go. A part of me knew all along. However, the other part of me, and possibly the most dominant part, felt it was still difficult, if not impossible to grasp the concept.
"I'll never let go."
She pulled away from the tight embrace, somewhat forcefully, and made her way to the awaiting train. She gave a last wave. It wasn't hard to tell that she was trying to swallow her pain. She was never particularly good at doing so. However, she and I both understood that we had to be strong. We had to be strong for one another.
I was able to see through the foggy train window. I couldn't tear my eyes away from the glistening tears running down her red, fervent face. I continued to watch her as she used the tips of her trembling fingers to draw a heart on the glass. I felt my heart pound as she went on to write "forever" on the inside of her drawing. It felt as if she were making a promise. My first instinct was to run. I practically chased the train, struggling to keep up with it. I struggled to keep up with her. However they were both gaining speed, moving forward, and leaving me behind. The heart, along with the forever she'd written inside of it, were quickly slipping away. Did this mean…?
No. The thought gave me chills. "No" I spoke aloud so intensely, as if somehow speaking the word would guarantee the results I longed for.
The burning feeling began to emerge in me as well. I could feel my eyes begin to water. I shut them so tightly that the salty tears spilled from them. They streamed down my face until they'd reached my chin. They lingered there for a moment before splashing onto the sidewalk beneath me. I couldn't help but be reminded of my life as they fell, and slipped out of my grasp completely.
I fell to my knees vulnerably. I felt so hopelessly alone. She was gone. There was nothing more that I could do. As I peered down the tracks, all I was able to see of the train was a tiny figure in the distance. For a moment, it reminded me of a toy train. It was strange to me, how things far away could seem so very small.
Awful feelings emerged when I thought of the train. It wasn't just a train anymore. It was the train that set us apart. The only thing that keeps me from completely losing my sanity, is that I know there will be another train. This train will be better than the last. This train will bring us closer. The girl who was just a tiny spot in the distance, carried a ticket. She carried a ticket that would allow her to visit me. I believed it would work out. I believed in her. I had no other choice to believe. Besides, If there was one thing I was sure of, it was that Rachel Barbra Berry was determined. She could achieve anything.
I thought back to our last embrace. I thought back to the last hug we shared before going our separate ways. She whispered three very intimidating words. It wasn't that Rachel was intimidating. It was the thought of what she wanted me to do. "You have to..." It felt as if it were a command. Although, words uttered from Rachel's lips never seemed anything but sugary-sweet. All of a sudden, I was determined. Her lips were my biggest weakness, and I was going to do anything that they said. If that meant doing the hardest damn thing I'd ever done, so be it. I wasn't sure what would come of it, but I knew that it was my responsibility to find out. I had to find out. After all, I'd be doing it for Rachel. No. This wasn't just for Rachel. This was for me. This was for us.
I plopped face-first on my freshly made bed. My roommate Caroline was out shopping with her friends. I was alone.
At the time, I didn't have very many friends of my own. All except three girls; Madison, Katelyn, and Samantha. I've considered us to be a clique, however, not the 'bad kind'.
It wasn't that I didn't love them, or trust them, or value them as friends, but even they weren't aware of my secret. Only Rachel and a few friends from Mckinley knew.
I constantly spoke of Rachel. I figured that from time to time, it must have gotten annoying. I suppose it made up for the time I couldn't spend speaking with her. It wasn't easy. Every single second of everyday, I found myself missing her. I missed every part of her. I longed to see her smile. I wished to see her run her hands through her long and beautiful brown hair that so-often glimmered in the sun. I longed to get lost in her gorgeous eyes. Everything about her was perfect. If only the world had more Rachel's. On second thought, I only wanted the one.
I decided to give her call.
"Hi."
"Hey Rachel! Can't believe you're not too busy to-"
"This is Rachel Berry's cell, 555-4639. Leave a message at the beep and I'll get back to you ASAP!"
"Damn it…" I mumbled under my breath.
Sigh.
"Hey… Rach… I- um- just wanted to check up on you. Hope everything's going well! Talk to you later…"
I could only hope.
I knew she was busy, living her dream and all… but I only wanted to talk to her. Once. I needed to hear her voice. It was the sweetest, kindest sound I knew and frankly since she'd been gone, there wasn't a sound in the world that comforted me the way it had. There was such complete and utter honesty in everything she said. I began to miss the way she sometimes sang when she spoke. Granted, everything she said sounded like music to my ears. The funny thing was that they weren't just words. They weren't simple letters strung together to form a sentence. Rachel didn't just pull adjectives, nouns, and adverbs together when she spoke. There was a certain magic behind it. There was magic in the way she used her vocal chords and the way she moved her mouth. How could such a beautiful sound come from one person and one person alone?
I'd made plans to visit my sister Erica's house in the following week. I had to tell her, didn't I? Not only because Rachel had insisted on it, but because for once I just needed to be honest with myself, as well as the people around me. I trusted Rachel's judgment. She always had a sense of what was right. Still, how would Erica respond?
The possibilities rushed through my head, clunking at either side of my brain. Suddenly, I wasn't as sure as I'd once been. Perhaps Erica didn't need to know. Besides, I was already certain that she didn't give a damn about me or my life. My parents always loved her more. I tried to be like her. I was the head cheerleader, had perfect grades, and was in the celibacy club, but somehow it wasn't enough. I know I became "messed up" later on, but I was on top of things at the beginning. I supposed it was the charm of the first-born. I'd look through albums and see documentations of every other second of her life- her first roll, her playing in the park, any time they could get their hands on a camera. And me? Oh, 2 or three pages that jumped from three months to three years, and then four. It wasn't fair. This secret would just add on to the unfairness.
It wasn't long before I'd drifted off to sleep. I don't quite remember what I dreamed of, but I'm sure it was of no importance to begin with.