I do not own Jeff Hardy or any of the wrestlers in this story. I do not know them personally or have any clue on their lifestyle or sexual orientation. This story features slash if you don't like it don't read. Also I in no way condone cutting or hurting your self. Having said that please enjoy. I love feedback whether good or bad let me know what you think.
Chapter 1
Jeff stared hazily at the ceiling the Demerol clouding his brain. Finally the pain of going through yet another table began to subside. The TLC match had been brutal on his body but fed his addiction to adrenaline. He was an addict he did not deny this truth but not to pills or liquor like most people assumed. Staring in the face of death and laughing, that was his drug of choice. Adrenaline got him higher than any drugs could. Normally he would have turned down the painkillers offered to him, however he'd landed wrong coming off one of the ladder spots, his body taking more of the extreme impact of the Swanton from a twenty foot ladder then normal. Jeff chuckled to himself only he would think jumping off a twenty-foot ladder would be normal. Though lately it had become more and more expected of him, he was taking bumps off his card almost every time he got in the ring. Matt kept telling him to slow down, to tell the higher-ups no. Matt didn't understand that he lived for those moments. Becoming frozen in time, gracefully soaring through the air, unsure if the landing would mean paralysis or possible death. Lying there after crashing through some object, while every nerve in his body screamed in protest. Being able to breathe knowing he'd made it through one more match alive, unscathed. Proving the naysayers wrong again.
He heard the whispers behind his back. How he was destined to be paralyzed before the age of thirty. How he used drugs to kill the pain he inflicted upon himself. That he was a freak, crazy, needed mental help. While he didn't deny being slightly left of center, a little more imaginative then most wrestlers, he was in no need of a loony bin yet. He'd be the first to let them know when he was. He smiled remembering Mark's face when he had asked him to define normal and show him someone who was quote, unquote normal. Mark had tried unsuccessfully finally giving up and just shrugging at Jeff. He also had no reason to use drugs to numb the pain. Normally he would thrive off the pain, live for it. Pain was his drug. Jeff's thoughts were interrupted by a presence in the room. Turning his head he slowly focused on his brother "Hey Matty."
"Hey Jeffero how are ya feeling? Any better?" Matt's concerned made Jeff smile. He felt Matt lean over and adjust the ice pack on his back. Matt's fingers begin to massage his lower back gently.
"Yeah the pain is pretty much gone. I'm getting tired just waiting for my mind to relax as much as my body." Matt chuckled shaking his head.
"I'm not sure that even is possible bro. I don't think your brain knows how to relax." Jeff smirked at Matt his eyelids fluttering closed. "Get some rest Jeff. I'll see you in the morning." Matt turned to leave the room. Normally they shared a room but lately Jeff had been demanding his privacy and wanting separate rooms. Matt didn't understand why but anytime he tried to talk to ask Jeff about it they ended up fighting so he had given up for now.
"Night Matt, love ya" murmured Jeff. Matt tucked the blankets in around Jeff.
"Love ya too" he whispered. Kissing Jeff's forehead and leaving the room.
Jeff awoke around three in the morning. Feeling slightly out of place, it took a moment for him to orient to the darken hotel room. He stood stiffly the pain meds had begun to wear off. Walking into the bathroom he splashed some cold water onto his face. Staring at himself in the mirror he wondered briefly who the person looking back at him was. Dark circles underneath lifeless green eyes, stared at him blankly, scaring him for a moment till he pushed down the fear quickly placing his mask back on. Reaching for his shaving kit he pulled out a plastic bic. Pulling the top off to reveal the razor blade he pried the thin metal loose and sank to the floor his back to the counter. Bringing his hand up the flash of silver between his fingers elevating his heartbeat. He began to cut little lines into his upper arms. Feeling the rush of a tainted pain as little beads of blood formed on the surface of the skin. He'd easily be able to hide the marks he was making on his arms with body paint and the arms socks he wore to the ring. Jeff normally kept the wounds shallow but the Demerol still in his system caused him to cut deeper, in order to feel the extreme pain he was craving.
It had become more of a ritual lately, waking every night. Making his way into the bathroom of whatever hotel they were currently staying at. Cutting his body until he became num. Losing him self in a cloudy world of euphoria. Bordering somewhere between the lands of sanity and deranged. Until at last his weary body was lost again in the blissful world of dreams and desires.
However this night was different, his longed for escape seemed to elude him. Causing him to stroke the blade across his skin, faster, harder, almost in a frantic state. Until at last he could no longer find a spot on his arm not covered with his own blood. The blade fell from his trembling fingertips. He was gasping, clawing, trying to gain a grip on reality. Jeff wrapped his arms around his knees beginning to rock. Sobs were shaking him to the core of his soul. He sent out silent pleas for the madness that had taken over his soul to end. He started to pound the back of his head into the counter behind him. Harder until it became a pure blinding pain, still the void did not end. Hoping to knock him self unconscious he tried to slam his head back as hard as possible. Only to come into contact with a decidedly much softer human hand. Jeff turned his head wildly. His eyes coming into contact with two very worried orbs. A shaking hand reached out and took his arm. Turning it to look at the marks Jeff hand made. A frowned formed on the man's lips. "What the hell Jeff? What did you do to yourself Skittles?" The first part of the words spoke in anger the rest gentler at the fear he saw reflecting in the young man's face.