House of Mirrors, a Buffy fanfic told in a Teaser & four acts.

By Zach Garland

[As of June 3rd, 2002 the fan fiction I've posted to fanfiction.net should be read in the following order:

"House of Mirrors" midseason six, somewhere between "Tabula Rasa" and "Hell's Bells."

"You Slay Me" faux season 7 episode 1 (relatively soon after real season 6 episode 22 "Grave")

"As You Know It" faux season 7 episode 2

"Unrest" faux season 7 episode 3 (with shades of sequel to real season 4 episode 22 "Restless")

There may be one more after "Unrest" but it is not yet written.

This faux episode takes place some time during the middle of the sixth season. Before the wedding episode, but after everyone knew about the Trio. I rated it PG because there are some mature themes, violence, mild profanity and talk about sex but nothing that they couldn't get away with on the show. It should be rated whatever an average episode of Buffy would be rated. There's no real major shipping or slash going on. Buffy slaps Xander on the ass once. That's it. This is a very rough draft. I would appreciate your thoughts. You can write to zachsmind@yahoo.com if you'd like. The basic gist of the plot is that the Trio summons some faerie creatures in an attempt to avoid capture by Buffy & the Slayerettes, but their experimentation with the faerie realm causes a side effect which throws Xander into an alternate reality where he sees his life is just a TV show, and they think he's the actor that plays himself. Meanwhile the guy who actually plays him on the show gets thrown into Buffy's world. If you have difficulty following along, keep in mind that during the course of the story, some characters just play their characters on the show, and some characters, particularly Xander, are also doubled by their respective performers. For example, if this were filmed, Nicholas Brendan would play both Xander and himself. He wouldn't be playing THE Nicholas Brendan but 'a' Nicholas Brendan in an alternate 'faux real' reality; similar to how Ben Affleck & Matt Damon played themselves in the movie "Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back."]



TEASER

Scene opens in some dark Sunnydale warehouse. There is an inordinate number of different kinds of mirrors here, some of which are leaned up against walls, and many mirrors are covered in brownish paper, as if ready for shipment and delivery. The warehouse is apparently for a company that makes & sells mirrors.

We're hip deep in battle. Buffy, Xander, Anya & Willow are in the warehouse opposite the black-clad Jonathan, Andrew & Warren. The Trio is not fighting. Our Slayerettes are busy fighting four large vaguely humanoid baddies who are not demons or vampires. They look like mindless undead zombies but with fae influences; a silly looking horn here, wings that don't work over there. Andrew is holding a large golden-lined old book with a red ribbon bookmark. He's muttering to himself. It should be readily apparent that Andrew has summoned these creatures in order to help himself & his friends make their escape.

JONATHAN: Come on, Warren! Now's our chance! Let's go!

WARREN: (cocky) Hey, Slayer! We're right here. Come and get us!

JONATHAN: Will you cut it out? We stay here any longer and she'll rip the arms off those things to beat us with!

WARREN: Not a chance, right Andrew?

Andrew continues mumbling with the book, not looking confident at all.

Anya spins around her meanie as it attempts to strike her with a fist or appendage or whatever it's got. She then lunges for Andrew as the three of them start turning around to go. She lunges for Andrew like a football player, but he shakes her off his legs by dropping the book on her head. Jonathan punches Warren with a "get your ass moving dammit" look on his face. Warren & Jonathan split. Andrew follows them to the door, then turns to look back and looks off camera.

ANDREW: (dumb smile on his face) Hey there, little guy! What are you doing out of your cage?

Andrew walks away from the door towards a large pile of boxes. He disappears behind them. We see a bright light and smoke.

On the other side of the warehouse, Xander pushes his meanie into the one that was attacking Anya, causing both of them to lose their footing. He then freezes in indecision because he sees Anya go down as the Trio escape, but Willow also appears to be losing her ground with the meanie on top of her. He decides to go help Willow, leaving Anya alone.

The two free meanies all turn on Buffy, who is now taking on three fae thugs. She's holding her own but looks very busy. Willow & Xander are hard at work together failing to beat up a meanie of their own. Anya opens the book where the bookmark was, and is concentrating deeply; head in the book trying to undo what Andrew's just done.

WILLOW: (fighting the meanie) What are these things?

ANYA: (studying the book) They're fae!

WILLOW: (offended) Hey! I'm gay!

XANDER: (fighting the meanie with Willow) Not gay! She said fae. Fairies.

WILLOW: What, you mean like, like what do you mean? (meanie hits her) Oof!

BUFFY: (punches one of them while deflecting another's blow) How we comin', Anya? (kicks the third in the gut sending him sprawling away)

Anya looks confused. Scratching her head. Then she glances down & sees that Andrew also dropped a German/English translation dictionary.

Xander finds himself in a headlock by the meanie. Willow jumps on the meanie's back.

XANDER: Is this really a good idea? Fighting fire with fire?

WILLOW: (wraps her arms around the meanie) It's faerie magic. It's different!

The meanie lets go of Xander, his arms reach up behind him but his bulk makes it difficult to reach Willow.

XANDER: Oh different! It creates meanies that smell bad and have horns. Same difference to me! (Grabs a two by four that was lying on the ground and starts pounding on the meanie as Willow slips off and falls on her butt)

BUFFY: (she dispatches another meanie but two more step into view) Any time now with that spell!

ANYA: Gimme a minute! It's hard reading German when you.. can't read German!

WILLOW: (in the process of standing up, pats dust off her pants) Here I can help.

ANYA, BUFFY & XANDER: (in unison) NO!

CUT TO Xander, who is still wielding the wood like a club. He's just turned his head to yell at Willow, distracted. The meanie he's been fighting disarms him. Xander grabs his hand, which shows a little blood. Splinter. Then the meanie picks Xander up.

XANDER: Oh no, not again!

He lets out a little girlie scream as the meanie throws Xander across the room. Xander falls into and back behind a bunch of cardboard boxes. The sound of broken glass can be heard with the impact.

CUT TO behind the pile of boxes. Xander practically lands on what he believes is Andrew. It certainly looks like Andrew. However, Andrew is no longer wearing black-clad clothes, but instead is wearing blue jeans, sneakers, and a white "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" t-shirt. Xander lands on this person who was behind the pile of boxes, who takes the bulk of the impact, landing on a mirror, which breaks. Andrew yelps in pain.

XANDER: YOU!

TOM LENK: Nick? What's going on? (Tom looks in a mirror that's not broken and screams.) That green - YOU KEEP AWAY FROM ME!

Behind them, Jonathan rushes through the door and grabs Tom, thinking he's Andrew. Tom looks up at Jonathan.

JONATHAN: Are you crazy, man!? They're gonna kill you!

TOM: Danny? Where's first aid?

Jonathan pulls Tom up, who's still in pain. Xander looks at the broken mirror and sees blood. As Tom & Jonathan rush back out the door, Xander notes that Tom's leg was bleeding. He looks down and sees a gash on his own arm.

CUT TO Buffy, getting overwhelmed by seven or eight meanies.

BUFFY: Xander!

Her face disappears from the camera's view behind a small mob of meanies.

Cut to Anya with the book.

ANYA: Wait I think I got it! Oh wait I don't.

Cut to Willow who's finally managed to get out of the way of the meanie that was beating up on her)

WILLOW: Coming Xander! (She's interrupted by another meanie, who causes her to back step) Oh. Uh, hi. Want a Chiklet? How about a Mentos?

Anya begins reciting an incantation, half in German half in English. Sounds pretty bad. While we still hear her chanting, camera cuts back to Xander on the other side of the warehouse covered in boxes. He is still bleeding. A couple superficial wounds. He still sees a small slightly green child looking at him through a broken mirror that was in the pile of boxes, with a mischievous grin and glowing eyes. Xander's eyes blink open. He's in pain. He sees the little kid and opens his mouth but the little child shakes his head and puts a finger to his lips. Xander reaches out to touch the mirror. Xander's hand goes through the mirror.

GREEN KID: You broke a mirror. Seven years bad luck!

The green goblin child takes Xander's fingers in its small hands. Xander yelps - the kid's got a tight grip! Smoke billows around Xander. He looks down at his arm where there is blood and the wound goes away.

XANDER: (to the mirror, perplexed) uh, thanks? (The smoke consumes him as he gets yanked towards the mirror)

CUT TO the girls still fighting the meanies. We see Anya still reciting from the book with great difficulty. In the distance we can see some small wisps of smoke coming out from behind the pile of boxes.

ANYA: ...Ich bin ein Muftasferigno!

The meanies all disappear with a flourish. The smoke gets thicker behind the boxes. Willow blinks as the meanie pops away, her look of fear switches back to an impish grin. She shrugs and looks over at Buffy, who's on her back breathing heavy. Willow rushes over to her to help her up. Anya follows behind her still carrying the books. As Buffy gets to her feet...

WILLOW: (motions towards the boxes) I think Xander was thrown over there..

CUT TO OTS view of the three ladies, their backs are to us. We see the pile of disheveled cardboard boxes and the smoke's pretty thick there now. Behind the pile a bright flash of light occurs. The three of them just stand there in mild shock as the smoke begins to dissipate.

BUFFY: Boy, that can't be good.

QUICK BLACK. WOLF HOWL. OPEN CREDITS.



ACT I

SCENE: Warehouse. The pile of boxes begins to stir, but we can't see Xander in all the rubble. The girls tentatively take steps towards the pile.

VOICE: (sounds like Xander's voice hidden behind the boxes) What's going on? Where am I?

ANYA: (the three girls rush to the pile of boxes) Xander? We're coming!

VOICE: Emma is that you? What's with all these boxes?

The girls throw boxes out of the way and help the man out of the pile. He looks at them incredulously. He's wearing boxer shorts, tube socks & a "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" T-shirt.

WILLOW: Xander, where's your clothes?

NICK: Aly? Damn we're back in the warehouse again? I thought we finished filming this scene yesterday.

ANYA: Xander? You're alright! (She kisses him. He pulls away.)

NICK: (laughing) Emma? There's no camera, okay? What would your boyfriend say?

ANYA: (shaken) Huh? You're my boyfriend!

NICK: Not to mention my wife! (looking around trying to get his bearings) Where's the cameras? Wait. I'm dreaming right? This is a dream because last thing I remember I was uh. Sleeping.

BUFFY: Where'd you get that T-shirt?

ANYA: (hurt that he seems to have forgotten her) Maybe you landed on your head?

WILLOW: Concussion, right!

BUFFY: Just sit down a minute and you'll be alright.

NICK: Sarah, what are you talking about? I didn't land on my.. This is a joke right? You guys broke into my apartment while I was sleeping and carted me here. Okay maybe I deserve this for the prank I pulled on James last week, but this is priceless!

ANYA: (bitterly) What the hell are you talking about?

WILLOW: Oh boy.

BUFFY: What Will?

WILLOW: (steps in close until she's nose to nose with Nick.) Xander?

NICK: (uncomfortable but he's standing his ground.) Aly, you're freaking' me out here. This isn't funny!

BUFFY: What is it?

WILLOW: (peering into his eyes) I've known Xander since we were kids. You look like him. (She steps back and looks Nick up and down) Who are you? Where's Xander?

NICK: Okay. Play time's over. I'm not falling for it guys. Your prank's not working.

ANYA: You mean?

BUFFY: (begins looking around her at the warehouse) if that's not Xander, where did he go?

CUT TO Nick's trailer on location at the studios where Buffy the Vampire Slayer is filmed. All shots when Xander is in "the real world" should look like they're being done on a handheld video camera. The quality should be high, but the movement's a little jerky and definitely different from the scenes in "Buffy world."

Xander's been sleeping on a bed. His eyes blink open and he quickly sits up and looks around the bedroom. The place looks a bit disheveled, and lived in. Like Nick didn't ask for a maid in his contract.

XANDER: (to himself. forced whisper.) Holy crap! Where am I? (He rips the covers off him and swings his legs to the floor) And where's that damn green kid?

There's a knock on the door. Xander gasps.

JAMES MARSTERS: (no English accent) Nick! It's me...

As James is talking, Xander goes to the window and sneaks a look outside. Camera cuts to Xander's POV. It's a parking lot outside, with the studio buildings in the near distance. James Marsters is at the door to the trailer but he's only partly in the frame, oblivious to Xander at the window. It's hard to see who he is from this perspective.

JAMES: Look; Joss & the writers were up all night. They're sending you guys back to the warehouse this afternoon. Rewrites. I got your lines right here. Nick? You awake, man?

XANDER: (talks deeply, trying to disguise his voice) Yeah. I'll be right there.

JAMES: You're not getting a cold are ya, Nick? Nick, open up!

Xander makes his way to the door, takes a deep breath, and opens it. He gets a clear shot of James for the first time and a look of shock hits his face. He thinks it is Spike. James is holding a script in his hand.

XANDER: Spike!

JAMES: No man. I'm not in this episode. Well, except for the stuff we already shot. I just came by to be your speedy deliveryman. (Offers the script to Xander)

XANDER: (takes the script tentatively) uh, thanks?

JAMES: No problem. Actually I'm here to see Joss about how I'm suddenly not in this episode. This sucks, man. It's like they're writing Spike out of Buffy's life. I got bills to pay, y'know?

XANDER: Huh? Oh, yeah.

JAMES: Yeah you don't have anything to worry about. Who's your agent, again?

VOICE: (off camera) Mister Marsters! Joss Whedon will speak with you now!

JAMES: (towards voice) Great! Be right there! (To Xander) Look. I gotta go. They said they highlighted the changes in the teaser but were real secretive about the rest of it, and you've got until 2pm today to memorize all of it (smiles). That's why they pay us the big bucks! Good luck, Nick.

James waves and walks away. Xander stands there, framed in the doorway, stunned. He looks down at the script. Camera closes in on the cover. It reads "Buffy the Vampire Slayer - episode title: House of Mirrors."

XANDER: Oh great! Of course, Buffy gets top billing! That figures.

Xander closes the door, goes back to the bed and cracks open the script. He turns to this page and the camera zooms in to these very words. Then he flips past to the next page and starts reading.

XANDER: Alright! If this is an illusion faerie world where I'm just an actor, playing myself, then I can just read to the end and I'll know what to do!

At first he's smiling. Then his smile fades as he turns the next page. It's blank. All the pages after one or two ahead are blank.

XANDER: Hey! What gives? This is so unfair!

CUT TO "Buffyworld" outside Buffy's house. Buffy, Willow, Anya and NICK are walking away from Xander's car at the curb, towards the house. Nick is still in boxers, the T-shirt & socks.

NICK: Man! How'd you guys do this? It would cost the studio millions to make a copy of Sunnydale. Just for a prank? Man!

BUFFY: (stops him in his tracks near the front door) We keep telling you! Nicholas was it?

NICK: (smug) Nick, Sarah. Call me Nick.

BUFFY: We aren't the people you think we are. I'm not Sarah. I'm Buffy.

NICK: Right. Sure. And I'm Santa.

BUFFY: I don't know who you are. Or what you did with Xander, but until we figure this mess out, you're not leaving my sight. (She turns around and opens the door)

NICK: Come on guys! I said I don't believe any of this. You went to a great deal of trouble, but it was for nothing. So cut the attitude and the pretending. You're all very talented actresses I grant you that, but I'm not falling for it.

WILLOW: What do we do with him?

ANYA: Are you sure he's not Xander? He looks like him.

WILLOW: I know he's not. I can see it in his eyes.

ANYA: I've been in bed with him. Lots of orgasms. You'd think I could tell.

WILLOW: Buffy? What do we do with him?

BUFFY: Well I don't think he's left a change of clothes here, and I doubt he could fit any of our clothes so unless he wanted to run away in his underwear, I think he'll stay put until we figure this out.

NICK: Hey ladies. It's your show. (Sits down on the couch) Is this when James jumps through a window and pretends to bite me? Oh no wait. Don't tell me. I wanna be surprised.

WILLOW: James? Emma? Sarah? Just who do you think WE are?

NICK: (laughs) okay. fine. I'll play along. I think - I know! That you fine ladies are Emma Caulfield, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Alyson Hannigan. The women who I've been working with the past six years playing roles in a TV series called "Buffy the Vampire Slayer."

BUFFY, WILLOW & ANYA: (in unison) huh?

NICK: (laughs, a little less confident this time) You three must have practiced that response for days. Where's Michelle?

DAWN: (from off camera originally. Coming downstairs) You guys are home already? I thought you said it would take longer to stop those beasties! I didn't hear you come in- (she stops when she sees Nick in his underwear) Where are your pants, Xander?

NICK: Right on cue.

DAWN: Not that I mind. Nice legs.

Anya clears her throat. Dawn looks down at the floor.

WILLOW: Dawn, this isn't Xander.

DAWN: (still looking at the floor) Then who is he?

NICK: (steps towards Dawn & offers his hand to shake) Nick. Nicholas Brendan. I play Xander on the show. (he lifts her chin up with his hand) Embarrassed, Michelle? Cuz I'm not. (he is embarrassed but putting on a good front, and his poker face is breaking down)

DAWN: Who-who's Michelle?

NICK: Oh right! You're in on it too. Thought I could trick you but.. Is the whole cast in on it? Really I wanna see James try to bite me.

BUFFY: James?

NICK: James Marsters. He plays Spike? And guess what. No English accent. In fact he was born in Canada. (beat) damn you're good. Not even trying to correct me.

BUFFY: They hired someone to play Spike?

NICK: Yep.

BUFFY: And you say you don't believe us? Whose story is more impossible to believe? I ask you.

NICK: Is the crew in on it too? An attempt at driving me crazy? Cuz you really should have stopped the facade by now if this weren't real. (he pinches himself in the arm) Ow! That honestly hurt. I wasn't holding back. You're supposed to be able to pinch yourself awake when you're dreaming. (pinches himself again) OW!

BUFFY: Look Nick. This isn't a dream. Somehow the faeries switched you with our Xander.

NICK: Y'know if this turns out to be fake I'm gonna sic my lawyers on all of you! I mean this is kidnapping! I think..

WILLOW: Nick.

NICK: Isn't it? Kidnapping?

WILLOW: We didn't kidnap you. One of the faeries did. They switched you with our Xander and as much as we appreciate your company, we want him back.

NICK: Wait! You mean Xander? The guy I've been playing all this time is real? (Outburst of laughter at the absurdity of it) And he's now in my trailer?

WILLOW: What's so funny?

NICK: I know Xander! I mean I play him! Who wouldn't know him better than me?

WILLOW: I would.

NICK: (still laughing, unable to control himself) I mean even if this WERE true. Which it's not! It can't be. But the thought of Xander wandering around lost on the set of Buffy! (laughs again. Tries to say something but it's unintelligible)

WILLOW: He'll be fine. Won't he?

NICK: (still laughing. voice over as we get a shot of the next scene) The interns alone are gonna eat him alive!

CUT TO 'the real world' on the set of Buffy. A wide overhead shot of the entire operation in the warehouse. It's a swirl of activity, with over a score of people walking off in different directions on various errands. Some crewmen are putting boxes in place. There are men dressed partly in the faerie costumes, practicing their moves.

There's a make up setup with a half dozen or so people all over Xander, fixing his clothes, putting makeup on his face. He's none too pleased about it. He still has the script in his hand.

XANDER: No really! I'm fine! I don't need any makeup! Ick! What's that? Get that stuff away from me.

INTERN: Mr. Brendan? Did you get the other copy of the script I found for you?

XANDER: This one's got blank pages too!

INTERN: I'm on it!

The intern rushes away. Xander throws the script down on the floor. He's moving a lot, uncomfortable with all the attention from the half dozen or so people fawning over him.

MAKEUP LADY: (holding a picture of Nick in costume) You see this picture? This is what you looked like yesterday. And from the looks of it you had a rough night Mr. Brendan. There's a shiner forming around your eye.

XANDER: A black eye?

MAKEUP LADY: Probably from the fight scenes you filmed yesterday.

XANDER: Great. The fairy stopped the bleeding but didn't fix my eye.

MAKEUP LADY: Well no wonder, if you call the first aid people mean names.

2nd MAKEUP PERSON: I think at least one of them is gay, but you really shouldn't call people fairies, Mr. Brendan. That's not nice.

XANDER: I didn't- oh, forget it!

MAKEUP LADY: A little makeup will fix that right up but unless you let us do our job, you can't do yours.

XANDER: Great. Fine. Whatever.

Xander looks in the mirror on the makeup stand. And sees that behind him is that annoying little green goblin child, laughing at him. Of course no one else notices this. He spins his face around, almost getting poked in the good eye with a liner pencil.

XANDER: There! The fairy! You see him?

MAKEUP LADY: Really Mr. Brendan. If you don't sit still.

XANDER: (getting up from the chair taking a step or two towards where he saw the green kid) Where? Where'd he go? (he turns back around and looks in the mirror again. The green kid's still in the reflection almost over Xander's shoulder, but Xander glances back and can't see the kid) He's in the mirror! (rushes past the people and looks in the mirror)

MAKEUP LADY: Oh for Christ's sake! We're union, y'know! (tosses her makeup down and storms off. The others follow her) We don't get paid to be treated like this!

XANDER: (in mirror) LEAVE ME ALONE!

Various voices. "You got it!" "Prima donnas!" "Can you believe the nerve of that guy?" Xander ignores them. Looks in the mirror at the green kid looking over his shoulder in the mirror. Laughing at him, but we see he's not over Xander's shoulder except in the mirror.

XANDER: What do you want from me?

GREEN KID: (cackles) I'm so ingenious! It worked!

XANDER: What worked? What did you do to me?

GREEN KID: Bridge between worlds. Soon all humans to the fake world. Then we'll start over.

XANDER: What?

GREEN KID: Fae will once again rule. Topple your monuments. Bring green back to the black paved roads and fields you've consumed. We'll make the world green again. But first send your friends to the fake world.

XANDER: Fake world? This is a fake world?

GREEN KID: When all the humans go away. Oh, don't worry. Your friends join you soon.

The green goblin child disappears from the mirror with a flourish.

XANDER: Wait! Come back!

SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR: (from behind Xander) You scared all the makeup people away? Again? Nicholas you really should work on that temper.

XANDER: (spins around) Buffy! (he gives her a hug. She pulls away.)

SARAH: Nick? You okay? The stunt guys were a little rough on you yesterday. I'll grant you that, but didn't you get checked out with first aid?

XANDER: What?

SARAH: Maybe you have a concussion? You don't look too good and you're acting all weird.

XANDER: You're not Buffy?

SARAH: Oh! You're practicing the scene in the script? Good thinking! Sorry, I don't have my lines down yet. I never thought you the Stanislavski type, but if you gotta feel the role, I understand.

XANDER: What do you mean?

SARAH: You're so lucky! You get to play yourself! Just when you think our writers are running out of ideas..

XANDER: You've read ahead?

SARAH: I scanned it. My contract says I get 24 hours warning before drastic changes are made. They gave me this at 9am this morning and we start filming at 2? I'm not memorizing out of protest.

XANDER: (grabs her by the shoulders) What happens!?

SARAH: You didn't even get a copy?

XANDER: (lets go of her. Reaches down for the script) All I'm getting are blank pages. See? (he shows her his script) It's all blank.

SARAH: Man the interns must've forgot to put ink in the copiers again. Well get another copy from-

XANDER: I already tried that I-

INTERN: (rushes by and is gone just as fast) Here's your script Mr. Brendan (throws it at Xander who catches it clumsily. He opens it)

XANDER: It's blank too! It's the third copy I've seen. I can't read ahead!

SARAH: We can go to my trailer. I got one there.

XANDER: That'd be great! Let's go! Uh, you lead the way.

SARAH: Sure. Okay? (she squinches up her face as she turns away from him. Confused. Wondering why he's acting so weird.)



ACT II

SCENE: "buffyworld" Buffy's house. Upstairs hallway. Nick is waiting to use the bathroom. He's still in his boxers & the show shirt. He looks more worried than before.

NICK: Michelle? You in there?

DAWN: I'm not Michelle!

NICK: Yeah yeah whatever did you fall in? I gotta go, man!

DAWN: (opens the door. She's doing eyeliner in the mirror.) Go ahead. I'm almost done.

NICK: Look, I'm already down to my boxers but.. Well I gotta squat.

DAWN: (oblivious) Squat? (shrugs) Okay. Go ahead.

NICK: (doubletakes. Entering the bathroom with some discomfort) They never actually show anybody taking a dump on the show, do they? Do you guys ever actually..

DAWN: (still looking in mirror) Poop?

NICK: Yeah..

DAWN: (shrug) Okay. Go ahead. It's not like I've never seen you poop! (she never has, but her demeanor indicates she's trying to play mature)

NICK: (doubletake) Huh?

he looks in the mirror. GREEN KID's looking over Dawn's shoulder. Green Kid notices Nick. This is the first time Nick's seen the green kid.

GREEN KID: I sent you away! Why you still there?

NICK: Michelle?

DAWN: I'm not-

NICK: Yeah whatever do you see that.. green thing in the mirror?

DAWN: (looks harder in the mirror) What green thing?

CUT TO downstairs kitchen. Anya, Willow & Buffy are sitting around the counter. One may be fixing them something to drink or doing other stage business.

ANYA: So what do we do with him?

WILLOW: Maybe this is research time? We could go to the magic shop.

ANYA: I doubt there's anything at my shop that talks about an alternate plane of reality where we're just a TV show called "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." I still think Xander's playing some kind of joke on us.

WILLOW: That's NOT Xander. I'd bet my laptop on it.

ANYA: I keep telling you I've had orgasms with him and I say it's him.

WILLOW: I once played doctor with him when we were eight, and I say it's not.

BUFFY: Backup with the one-upmanship you two. Focus with me okay? (beat) Shame Giles isn't here. He'd know what to do. I'm *very* filled with the not knowing.

WILLOW: Do we assume this Nick guy's telling the truth about playing Xander on a TV show or maybe he's just another faerie? You know there used to be "Changelings" back in the middle ages.

ANYA: There still are.

WILLOW: (mild ouch-you-interrupted-me dirty look at Anya) I mean where a faerie purposefully switched themselves with actual human beings and pretended to be us while we were stuck being them.

ANYA: That was a long time ago. Faerie parents would switch their more sickly children with human children hoping that the humans wouldn't notice and would feed them and clothe them and treat them better than they could. Sort of unsolicited surrogate parenting because back then the faeries were dying out. They didn't know why. Then they found out it was because humans were polluting the environment. It wasn't that the fae were just weakening; human beings were raising the toxicity of the environment, which was leading to the fae's extinction.

BUFFY: We were killing them?

ANYA: Well not you or me specifically. This started almost a millennia ago, but by the industrial revolution, humans started polluting the air and tearing down forests to make lumber mill factories. And then human beings started burning fossil fuels. Most faeries couldn't even breathe the air.

BUFFY: But they didn't all die out cuz we just beat up on a bunch of them. Then you did whatever you did with that book.

ANYA: I sent them back to where they came from which is the faerie realm. It's an alternate plane of reality where there's no strip malls or strip mining. It's where they went to get away from dirty, pesky humans.

WILLOW: So they don't do the changeling thing?

ANYA: Not anymore. I mean there's little call for it. Most faeries remain in the faerie realm where they went hundreds of years ago to get away from humans. They don't like you guys very much.. er I mean US guys since I'm human now too.

WILLOW: (beat) I recycle! (the others look at her funny) I mean I'm very conscientious of the environment. I don't smoke! I don't drive a car. I planted a tree once but it died.

ANYA: Even if every human being started doing all that.. It's just a little too little too late. The Fae still hate us.

WILLOW: That's a shame cuz I think they're cute.

BUFFY: The things we were fighting?

WILLOW: Well no they weren't cute. Tinkerbell's cute.

ANYA: Tinkerbell was Disney. Not Fae. Faeries never look like Tinkerbell.

WILLOW: Oh.

From upstairs Dawn can be heard screaming and almost at the same time Nick says "help" three or four times. The three girls look at one another and immediately rush out of the kitchen.

CUT TO upstairs hallway. An eerie green light is coming from the bathroom. We're no longer hearing Nick crying for help, but we can still hear Dawn screaming. The three girls rush into view and towards the light. When Anya sees the green light she slows her pace. The other two go right to the door.

In the bathroom the whole room is bathed in a green light, which seems to be coming from the mirror. Nick's legs can be seen but the rest of him is in the mirror itself and can't be seen on camera at present. Dawn has grabbed Nick by the legs & has braced her feet against the wall as if the room were turned on its side. She's pulling with all her might trying to pull Nick out of the mirror. She's losing, her grip slipping to his ankles. Buffy grabs Nick's thighs and has more success. Dawn steps from the wall to the sink and the floor as with Buffy's help they get Nick back through the mirror to where his face can partly be seen but his arms are still being held by something.

NICK: (screaming as his face becomes visible) Leggo you snotty kid! Leggo!

WILLOW: (grabbing Nick by the waist & helping them pull) What snotty kid?

BUFFY: (looks in the mirror. Sees the little green kid holding Nick by the fingers and pulling hard) That snotty kid! In the mirror!

ANYA: (glances into the bathroom with some fear and looks in the mirror) Holy frijoles! (she runs away)

BUFFY: Clap your hands, Nick!

NICK: What?

BUFFY: Don't argue with me! Just do it!

Nick begins trying to bring his hands together and apart in the mirror, which is making it harder for the little green creature to hang on. Anya returns with a blanket and tries to reach the mirror.

ANYA: Look away! Don't look in the mirror! It's how they get you!

Anya manages to put the blanket over the mirror as Nick's clapping breaks the grip of the little green guy. As Anya curtains the mirror with the blanket, Buffy, Nick, Dawn & Willow all fall into a heap on the floor. They regroup and try to catch their breath. Anya turns around and looks down on them.

BUFFY: Man, that little shrimp's tough!

NICK: I think you bruised my thighs, Buffy.

BUFFY: Well excuse me for living!

NICK: No I didn't mean that I- thanks! I don't mind. I just think it's funny. Sarah's a brown belt in the martial arts but she's still a wimp. You've got a kick ass grip.

WILLOW: I guess that convinced you, eh?

DAWN: I think it convinced all of us. I didn't see it at first.

BUFFY: Me either but then I did.

NICK: What the hell is that thing?

ANYA: (with some dread in her voice) Changeling. It's a changeling. Buffy. Dawn. We have to find every reflective object in this house and either cover it up or destroy it. And we have to do it now.

WILLOW: I thought you said Changelings didn't do this anymore.

Anya starts helping them to their feet as they help one another.

ANYA: (her face & voice begin to show the fear typical of a five year old) They don't. I mean they didn't. They haven't for a very long time. And never adults. They never tried to take adults before now. Just babies.

NICK: Why's this guy want me?

ANYA: I don't know, but come on. Get up. (exiting the bathroom heading down the hallway to the stairs) We have to work fast, before the changeling is able to find another portal.

BUFFY: Mirrors are portals?

DAWN: Anya you look scared.

ANYA: You should be too. (she stops & looks at Willow) Like I said these aren't Tinkerbells. This ain't Disney. It's the Fae.

BUFFY: Well we should split up. Willow you stay up here and we'll-

ANYA: (very forceful & scared) NO! We do NOT split up! We stay together, and when we find a reflective surface do NOT look directly into it. Not even for a few seconds.

WILLOW: Anya you weren't this scared when we were fighting those big hulking thingies with the horns & the wings.

ANYA: Those guys were nothing. Hired thugs in the faerie realm. That guy in the mirror was a changeling. They can be ten times worse. More.

NICK: Before it attacked it said, "I sent you away! Why you still there?" What did it mean?

DAWN: I think I heard that too just before it appeared in the mirror.

NICK: It was already in there.

DAWN: Yeah but I couldn't see it, and I'd been using the mirror. Doing my makeup.

BUFFY: Maybe it thought you were Xander.

ANYA: Of course! The warehouse was filled with mirrors! It must have stolen Xander and dragged him to Nick's reality. And since Nick is that reality's Xander and as a side effect of improperly moving Xander into Nick's reality-

WILLOW: Nick just sorta took Xander's place?

ANYA: Exactly!

XANDER: Y'know what really sucks? I still need to poop.

Everyone looks at him.

XANDER: Don't you guys ever poop?

BUFFY: Okay let's get cracking. Where are all the mirrors in my house?

DAWN: Is it just mirrors? Or anything that reflects?

NICK: Do you have any duct tape?

DAWN: Why? You still need to poop?

WILLOW: That was a very Xanderish thing to say, Nick.

NICK: Heh! I guess you're right!

BUFFY: I think we keep duct tape in the basement.

DAWN: Isn't there a roll in one of the kitchen drawers?

WILLOW: Not anymore. Tara and I used it when we were still together.

BUFFY: Doing what?

WILLOW: Don't ask.

ANYA: Okay let's go but everybody stay together! Nobody leave anyone's sight.

Everyone makes his or her way through the house towards the basement.

NICK: Wow!

WILLOW: What?

NICK: This is just hitting me! I'm really -I mean this is real!

WILLOW: Weird, huh?

NICK: This just can't be possible! Can it?

BUFFY: That there's a world where people actually where that stupid T- shirt? I can't believe it either.

NICK: My shrink's gonna love this when I get back. (beat) If I get back.

Dawn opens the basement door. She screams. A thug faerie meanie comes out and starts attacking them. Buffy instinctively pushes him back through the door.

BUFFY: Not in my house again! (punch) You break something buddy, I'll have your hide!



CUT TO the trailer of Sarah Michelle Gellar in the 'real world' and she is reading from the script. Xander's staring in shock at the blank pages on his script, but as she reads out loud, he notices the words on his page begin to fill in the blank pages.

SARAH: (at first she's just reading but as she reads a realization slowly begins to dawn on her) The green kid says "when all the humans go away. Oh, don't worry. Your friends join you soon." The green goblin child disappears from the mirror with a fluorish. Then you say "Wait! Come back!" And that's when I appear behind you and I say, "You scared all the makeup people away? Again? Nicholas you really should work on that temper." And then you spin around and you say "Buffy" As if you think I'm Buffy and not me. And then you try to give me a hug but I pull away. That's funny. That's almost exactly what just happened between you and me a while ago. And then I say "Nick? You okay? The stunt guys were a little rough on you yesterday. I'll grant you that, but didn't you get checked out with first aid?" That line sounds kinda wordy. And then you go, "What?" And then I go "Maybe you have a concussion? You don't look too good and you're acting all weird." (pause. Xander looks up at her sadly) Huh! And then you ask me whether or not I'm Buffy. Then I say, "Oh! You're practicing the scene in the script? Good thinking! Sorry, I don't have my lines down yet. I never thought you the Stanislavski type, but if you gotta feel the role, I understand." Stanislavski? Now I KNOW I just said that.

XANDER: (stands up and puts his script next to hers in her lap, holding it there for her to see. The pages are still slowly revealing themselves on his script as she reads) Okay. Look at your script. Then look at mine. (she looks up at him) Keep reading. She looks back down.

SARAH: (more sober and serious now) You go, "What do you mean?" (pauses as she sees his script fill up with the words she just said) Then I say, "You're so lucky! You get to play yourself!" (This last part she says as she looks up at Xander) "Just. when. you think. our writers are. running. out of ideas.."

XANDER: (the saddest look on his face. Almost fighting back tears) "You've read ahead?" he quotes from the script without looking at it.

SARAH: (gasps) Y-you. You're.

XANDER: I just wanna go home.

Sarah stands up. She freaks. She sits down. She freaks. She stands up again. She calms herself down.

SARAH: (yelps) H-how'd you do that, Brendan!

XANDER: (very slowly and comforting, knowing she's about to freak out) I'm not Brendan or Nick or whoever you think I am. I'm me. I'm Xander. And I wanna go home.

SARAH: You're really scaring me, Nicholas Brendan! This is not funny!

XANDER: (in tears now) I'm not trying to be funny. In less than half an hour they're going to expect me to act -like me! I once piddled in my pants during a grammar school play!

SARAH: (stands up and steps away from him) I think you should go, Nick. This show's gotten to you. You're not acting like yourself.

XANDER: Of course not! Because I'm not me! I mean I'm me I'm not him! Oh I don't know what I mean. I still can't get over the fact that this show is named after YOU and not ME! Why isn't it "Xander The Carpenter That Helps Buffy Slay Vampires?" I mean I'm not even mentioned in the title. But I don't care I just wanna be home. I don't wanna be in front of any cameras. I just wanna go home.

SARAH: Maybe I should call Doctor Risoto. Are you still seeing Doctor Risoto?

XANDER: I'm not seeing any doctors! (crosses to her. Tries to grab her by the shoulders but she maneuvers away towards the door) Look! (puts his script in her face) How could I fake this? How can I type words onto a page using air right in front of your face?

SARAH: Or maybe you should see my Doctor. She's really good. She's got degrees and everything. I'd like you to talk to her cuz she's not gonna believe me when I tell her all this.

XANDER: Oh great! You're gonna walk out that door and tell everybody that this Nick guy is me and he's gone mad and thinks he's me. Then they're gonna come in here with a straightjacket and carry me away with the sirens and the flashing lights and then I won't only be stuck in another reality but I'll be stuck in an insane asylum in another reality and I'll never get out so I've ruined my life and I've ruined this Nick guy's life and he didn't do anything to me. I don't even know him. Awww man!

SARAH: (pregnant pause. dumbfounded) Wow!

XANDER: What?

SARAH: This has got to be the best Xander you've ever done, Nick! I mean I've always been impressed with your acting but this! Wow! I mean I'm almost convinced cuz I've never seen you do Xander THIS well, and let's be honest Nick you never do anything half this good unless there's cameras running.

XANDER: I'm not acting! Wait! (turns to her soberly) Nick is me? Nick PLAYS me on the show?

SARAH: Yeah.

XANDER: Does he look better than me?

SARAH: He looks exactly like you.

XANDER: (squinches up his face) Couldn't the people who hired him have done better? At least give me washboard abs. A dazzling smile. Something.

SARAH: Y'know this reminds me of the time you and I were practicing lines for that episode where Xander tried to hook Cordelia up with a magic love charm and it backfired and I had to come on to you on camera? And you played Xander like he wanted to do me but he didn't cuz it wasn't right and I mean you've never done Xander like you played him that day. That was inspired! I almost couldn't keep a straight face you were so on the money.

XANDER: (blushing noticeably) That was on this show?

SARAH: Oh yeah. Got a 4.5 Nielsen share. You're doing that good now.

XANDER: (totally crushed. Slumps into a nearby chair) AAAGGH! Aww, man! I can just go crawl into a corner and die now.

SARAH: You really should save it for the cameras, Nick.

XANDER: I don't wanna be in front of the cameras!

VOICE: (from outside the trailer) Twenty minutes, Ms. Gellar! Mr. Brendan!

SARAH: Alright! We'll be there! Thank you.

XANDER: Oh God.



ACT III

SCENE: Trailer of Sarah Michelle Gellar in the 'real world'

Xander's completely defeated. He stares out into space motionless, dried tears on his face, messing up his makeup. Sarah walks over and takes his script, opens to the first blank page and starts reading from her script again. To herself this time. As she does so she compares her script to his, and watches the lines slowly paint down his script as she reads from hers.

ALYSON HANNIGAN: (swings open the trailer door and storms in with her script) Sarah! Have you SEEN this? I was up all night memorizing today's lines!

SARAH: I got my copy this morning.

ALYSON: This morning! I just got this! Like, just now. Right now.

XANDER: I just wanna go home.

ALYSON: What's his problem?

SARAH: Maybe if you'd shown up on set this morning you'd a gotten it sooner?

ALYSON: Oh, don't tell me you're not as upset as I am!

SARAH: Well Aly, I just am not quite as.. vocal as you are when I get upset.

ALYSON: The director told me they were gonna make changes to the lighting in some sets and he wouldn't need me until the afternoon. So I slept in. They haven't dropped this much memorization on us in so short a period since.. since..

SARAH: I thought they did this to us last week too, didn't they?

ALYSON: Well I can't believe it! Nick, is this what you've been crying about cuz I feel like crying too. I say we don't do it. What are they gonna do? WE are the show! The three of us. Right?

SARAH: I dunno about you Aly. I like my salary.

ALYSON: It's not like they can fire you, Sarah. You're Buffy! The show's named after you!

SARAH: I choose my battles. You know that. This isn't one I feel worth fighting.

XANDER: (tentatively) I'm with you, Alyson.

ALYSON: (spins to face him, smiling) Great! Thank you, Nick! I knew I could count on you!

SARAH: (looks at him hard) Okay are you Nick now or are you still playing Xander?

XANDER: I'm not playing anybody.

Xander & Sarah look at each other hard as Alyson launches into her diatribe of outrage.

ALYSON: I'm not playing anybody either. I don't care if Whedon takes me into his office and browbeats me for another seven hours. I don't care if they call me difficult to work with. They can turn me into Dark Vampy Willow again and kill me in the finale. I don't care. I'm a professional. They can't just rewrite the entire script and throw it at me twenty minutes before the director yells speed. Or action. Or whatever he yells. I mean it's the entire script! And have you seen what they've done? Nick gets to play himself! Why don't I get to play myself?

SARAH: (still looking at Xander but talking to Alyson) You do.

ALYSON: (sudden change of demeanor. Looks in the script) I do?

SARAH: Yes. In fact you get to say the same exact words you're saying now.

ALYSON: Huh? What do you mean?

XANDER: Show her.

ALYSON: Show me what?

XANDER: Show her my script.

Pregnant pause. Xander & Sarah are staring at each other. Alyson looks back and forth between them.

ALYSON: What are you two talking about? Did Xander get a different script?

SARAH: (breaks the staring contest. Turns to Alyson) He got a blank script. (hands Alyson Xander's script)

ALYSON: The interns must have forgot to put toner in the printers again. I keep complaining about that-

SARAH: Nope. He's supposed to get a blank script...

Camera pans from the girls to Xander who's looking after them with the resemblance of a hopeful smile forming on his tear streaked face.

SARAH: ...Just like the stage directions say in my script. Here. You look at Xander- er, I mean Nick's script. I'll read from mine.

ALYSON: (flips through it) Half of it's blank pages.

SARAH: Where do the blank pages start? What's the last page number?

ALYSON: Uh.. twenty-seven I think. Yeah.

SARAH: Okay. Watch very closely...



CUT TO the back yard of Buffy's house in "Buffyworld." One by one each of the five of them are thrown out of the house on their butts by the meanie faerie thugs. Nick goes out first through a window that breaks around him. Then Anya, then Willow, Then Dawn. The last one to vacate the house is Buffy, who's still fighting two of them as she's pushed out the kitchen door. The thug closes the door behind her and she almost pounds on it then stops herself short.

BUFFY: (to herself) Doors are expensive Buffy. (she spins around in a huff and faces the others, hands on her hips) Now what? They took over my house! They're gonna tear it apart!

WILLOW: Actually I think we helped them tear it up just before they threw us out.

BUFFY: What do we do? I kept pummeling them but they just keep coming out of the basement. They're like.. bunnies!

ANYA: Bunnies are worse!

DAWN: Is there even a mirror IN the basement? (others shrug or shake their heads in response)

ANYA: Those thugs aren't restricted to reflections. Only Changelings. And only some changelings. Just be thankful we're not facing the Bachwari. Those guys come out of chimneys, sinks. Even toilets. And they smell.

WILLOW: Those guys smell. I thought faeries were supposed to be pretty.

ANYA: (looks at her) How can anyone be so naive, Will? I swear. The only thing that scares me more than faeries is bunnies.

NICK: Now what the hell is your problem with Bunnies? I never understood that.

ANYA: You PLAY my boyfriend on TV and you don't understand why I hate bunnies?

DAWN: Xander never understood your problem with bunnies, Anya. NO ONE understands your problem with bunnies. It's stupid.

ANYA: (hurt) You're stupid.

DAWN: You are!

ANYA: No you!

BUFFY: (walking around them) Will you guys get off your asses and help me figure out what we do now?

They slowly comply, licking their wounds & regrouping around her.

NICK: We go to the Magic Box.

ANYA: Why?

NICK: (shrugs) We always go to the Magic Box on the show.

ANYA: So these guys can follow us and trash MY place too? No way.

NICK: But we have to. Almost every script for the past two seasons has had a scene in the Magic Shop. I think it's a union thing or something.

ANYA: We are NOT going to my shop! I don't ever wanna see it get trashed again. It's too expensive.

We hear something break inside the house.

BUFFY: Oh and I'm just rolling in money? They're gonna damage the foundation! GET OUT of MY HOUSE!

WILLOW: We go back to the warehouse.

ANYA: Will? Mirrors! They breed mirrors in that place. There'd be no protecting Nick in that place.

DAWN: Wait maybe Willow's right. We go back and we look for clues. That's where Xander disappeared.

BUFFY: Maybe we can get our hands on the little green dude there and I can like, dash his head against a wall or something.

ANYA: Changelings are strong! Stronger than you!

BUFFY: I don't think so! It's just a little thing!

DAWN: Buffy it took all of us to pull Nick out of the bathroom. That little guy is tough!

BUFFY: It just had leverage. That's all.

ANYA: Changelings can root themselves into the ground so that it's impossible to move them.

BUFFY: Nothing I can't handle.

NICK: You are so full of yourself, ain't ya Buffy?

BUFFY: I'm trying to save your hide.

NICK: By going back to the scene of the crime? Man! Joss Whedon needs to hire better writers. I swear.

BUFFY: You got a better idea?

NICK: It's not my JOB to come up with better ideas. It's my job to take their ideas and try to make them believable. I mean they did a whole script once where we didn't talk for half the show.

WILLOW: Ooh! I remember that! The Gentlemen!

NICK: The episode was called Hush.

WILLOW: Remember that time, Buffy? Those fairytale monsters stole our voices then started cutting people up for hearts? (frowns) That's when I met Tara. (smiles) and you and Riley got to know each other better.

NICK: Yeah we got an Emmy nomination for that one. Great writing my ass. Felt like I didn't talk in front of the camera for a month of shooting!

WILLOW: Ooh! Do they show everything on the show? I mean, back when Tara and me--?

NICK: They were very tasteful.

WILLOW: How could they be? We weren't very tasteful.

NICK: They either showed you clothed or you had the sheets covering you up.

WILLOW: That's not the way I remember it. The sheets and blankets usually got thrown to the floor right after the clothes.

NICK: Well it is a prime time show. They can't show everything.

DAWN: Prime time? We're on prime time? Which network?

NICK: (laughs) depends. Which season?

DAWN: Huh?

BUFFY: This is all really exciting but I'm sure I share Anya's sentiments when I say we really appreciate your visiting us Mister Nick whatever your name is but what we really want is our Xander back.

NICK: I couldn't agree with you more.

BUFFY: So unless somebody has a better idea we're going to the warehouse and we're gonna figure this out before those thugs completely destroy my house.



CUT TO "real world" warehouse set. Far overhead boom shot taking in the whole place. Camera equipment and crew can be seen. Xander is sitting in a director's chair looking at the script. He's a little cleaned up. A makeup person is finishing him up and he's apologizing to her profusely and she's being very gracious. Alyson Hannigan approaches him as the makeup lady walks away. Camera cuts from the establishing overhead boom shot to show Alyson & Xander waist up.

ALYSON: Okay it's all set up. The director hated it but we've told him to make some interns write all the lines on big cards and they'll be visible to us from behind the camera lines.

XANDER: (looks around) what's a camera line?

ALYSON: You can't see them dummy, I mean from behind where the cameras don't pick up anything. Like. Just off camera.

XANDER: (forced whisper) does anyone else know?

ALYSON: No because we couldn't figure out how to explain it to everyone else when your script filled out. But Sarah & I believe you. (puts a confident hand on his shoulder) We'll work with you through the scene. We'll help you hit your marks & stuff. Just trust us and we'll get through this.

XANDER: Yeah but how do I get home?

ALYSON: Sarah read the rest of the script.

XANDER: I've tried but the way these scripts are organized I don't understand the difference between stage directions & dialogue.

ALYSON: Well the dialogue is always centered on the page and - oh don't worry your pretty head with that Xander. (an intern rushes by and she says this loudly) Nick! (laughs nervously) Sarah says we - I mean YOUR we. Uh, Willow & Buffy and them they figure it out somehow by the end of the episode all we have to do is help you through this scene and things will work out.

XANDER: I wish I had your confidence.

ALYSON: (big smile) Well then you wouldn't be who you are!

XANDER: Yeah I guess you're right.

VOICE: (off camera) Places everyone! We go in five!

Xander stands up and Alyson takes him by the elbow and walks him to his place. She gives him a reassuring hug and indicates nonverbally for him to stay right where he is. We hear more activity around him and people rushing around behind him with props or clipboards or cups of coffee or whatever. He looks noticeably frightened as he stares at the cameras surrounding him. He's holding the script like a security blanket. Or maybe a baseball bat. It's rolled up in his hands and he's trembling a bit.

VOICE: (off camera. May be the director) Nick? Nick! Mr. Brendan?

XANDER: (glances from the cameras to where he hears the voice) Uh, yeah that's me. That's uh.. I'm Nick Brendan! Yeah? What can I do you for- for you?

VOICE: (off camera) We can't have the script in the shot.

XANDER: (looks down at the script in his hands) Oh. Okay.

Xander attempts to throw the script away from him but it doesn't leave his hand. He tries again and it goes, but his other hand almost reactively tries to catch it. He stands there awkwardly a moment as the voice continues.

VOICE: (off camera) It's alright, Nick. We'll have the cards ready for you in a minute.

XANDER: Uh.. H-how do I look?

VOICE: (off camera) You look great!

XANDER: Really? (a bit of smug confidence bubbles to the surface a bit) Really.

VOICE: (off camera) You'll be fine. PLACES, everyone! Places!

We see Alyson, Sarah, Emma Caulfield & Michelle Trachtenberg take their places around Xander. Makes a nice tableau. Some interns fuss over them for last minute touches and then rush off. Other crew people appear with standard sized cards (around 2' by 3') and take positions around the room near the cameras, kneeling behind the cards. Emma & Michelle don't acknowledge Xander. Sarah & Alyson each share knowing glances with him as they compose themselves and prepare. Xander takes a melodramatic stance with a silly looking smile.

SARAH: (forced whisper through smiling teeth) Xander?

XANDER: (whispers back) Sarah?

SARAH: (forced whisper through smiling teeth) Just be yourself. Follow Alyson. Read the cards.

XANDER: (drops his melodramatic stance and the smile) Okay. Thanks.

ALYSON: (whispering) Break a leg.

XANDER: Huh?

ALYSON: Good luck.

XANDER: You too.



ACT IV

CUT TO warehouse in 'Buffyworld.' It's pretty much in the condition as we left it. The pile of boxes is still there. All the mirrors lining the walls. No meanies. However we do see the three members of the Trio. Warren & Jonathan, still clad in black, are dragging what appears to be Andrew with them, but they have him bound and a bandana is around his neck. At one time it was being used to gag him. Andrew is in the blue jeans, sneakers, & Buffy T-shirt that we last saw him wearing. It appears the past several hours have been none too kind to him. Warren may have roughed him up a bit. They throw him to the ground in the center of the warehouse.

WARREN: Alright whoever you are. Talk!

TOM LENK: I've already told you everything I know!

JONATHAN: It's still not enough. How'd you get here? Where'd Andrew go?

TOM: It was that icky green thing! It was his fault! I don't know anything!

JONATHAN: (kicks Tom in the gut) We want Andrew back!

WARREN: Do we? Really?

JONATHAN: What?

WARREN: Think about it Sparky. Maybe this is our opportunity to drop some excess baggage. If what this bonehead tells us is true-

TOM: Hey who you calling bonehead?

WARREN: Shut up "Tom" if that is your real name. Or I'll gag you again.

JONATHAN: You mean not even try to get Andrew back? Just leave him lost in TV land?

WARREN: Well considering how often he quotes from TV & movies, he probably thinks he's in heaven.

JONATHAN: Pot calling the kettle black mister all episodes of Buck Rogers on VHS!

WARREN: (angrily) Hey! Erin Gray is a saint!

JONATHAN: If I fell through the looking glass would you be having this conversation with Andrew? Telling him to leave me behind?

WARREN: Maybe. But you're here. He's gone.

JONATHAN: You're nothing but an opportunist!

Jonathan takes a baby swipe at Warren, who pushes Jonathan back. Jonathan pushes Warren back. The two of them get into a flailing of arms sissy slap fest.

TOM: You two are idiots!

Jonathan & Warren turn their frustrations on Tom. Jon kicks Tom. Warren wrestles to try and put the gag back on but is stopped short when he hears--

BUFFY: Returning to the scene of the crime, eh boys?

WARREN: (pulls a gun out of his pants) Slayer! You - you stay back!

BUFFY: Guns, now? (laughs) running out of ideas for robots & cheesy gadgets?

WARREN: This doesn't concern you.

BUFFY: Oh I think it does.

NICK: Geez, Tom is that you?

TOM: Nick? Oh man am I glad to see you!

JONATHAN: Shut up! (kicks Tom again)

CUT TO warehouse set in 'the real world.' It looks a little different. We see cameras in the background and are looking from dramatically different camera angles. Xander's not dressed in boxer shorts. The actors are blocked slightly differently from what we just viewed. Other subtle changes, which would help the audience, keep track of what's 'realworld' and what's 'buffyworld.'

SARAH: Returning to the scene of the crime, eh boys?

ADAM BUSCH: (pulls a prop gun out of his pants) Slayer! You - you stay back!

SARAH: Guns, now? (laughs) running out of ideas for robots & cheesy gadgets?

ADAM: This doesn't concern you.

SARAH: Oh I think it does.

XANDER: (pause) OH! (glances at cards) Geez! Tom? Is that you?

ANDREW: (looks up at Xander, says his line through clenched teeth) Xander? Oh man am I glad to see you!

DANNY STRONG: Shut up whoever you are! (rears his leg back to do a stage kick into Andrew's gut, but Andrew is not positioned right so it looks fake)

VOICE: (director. On camera now for the first time) CUT! Tom you're positioned wrong. And the line's not "Xander." It's "Nick oh man I'm glad to see you." Just read the cards.

ANDREW: (still looking at Xander angrily. The camera looms in for a slow dramatic zoom on Andrew's face as he says his line.) Sorry. I'll get it right next time.

VOICE: (off camera. director. This line's said as the next camera angle occurs) See that you do. Okay everybody! Take 15! Let's get it right this time!

Camera quickly cuts to a similar dramatic zoom at Xander as he realizes that's NOT an actor but the actual Andrew on the ground.

CUT back to the warehouse set in 'buffyworld.' Again. Costumes are slightly different. Camera angles don't show cameras, and are actually from standing cameras so they have a different feel, more like the show.

JONATHAN: SHUT UP! (kicks TOM)

NICK: Hey! That's not Andrew!

JONATHAN: I know! (kicks Tom again) I like kicking him anyway. He kicks me all the time.

TOM: Save me Nick! These guys are crazy!

JONATHAN: Shut up!

WARREN: So! It looks like you and I are in a similar situation. If that's ..Nick was it? And this is Tom. You want Xander back. We want Andrew back.

JONATHAN: A minute ago you were gonna-

WARREN: Shut up! NOW Andrew's valuable to us. I suggest a temporary truce, Slayer.

WILLOW: Put your stupid gun away and then we'll think about it.

WARREN: (thinks about it) okay. (carefully puts the gun back in his pants) but don't try anything Slayer. Never forget I can shoot you in between the eyes before you can blink.

ANYA: You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn.

WARREN: Shows what you know. I'm down at the shooting range all the time.

BUFFY: Failing to pick up chicks there too?

TOM: (trying to crawl away from Jonathan towards Nick) Shut up!

JONATHAN: Hey! (jumps on Tom and sits on him)

TOM: Who WRITES this stupid dialogue anyway?

BUFFY: Okay. We seem to be at an impasse. We put aside our differences for the moment. You help us. We help you.

WARREN: (nonchalantly fingers the gun in his pants) Share information?

BUFFY: Sure. You go first.

Warren looks at Jonathan. Jonathan stands up and looks down at Tom and threatens to kick him again.

CLOSE UP of NICK's face, which then fades into Xander's more made up face but still has a bit of a black eye. As the fade between the two of them occurs, we see they both realize this and shout it at the same time. Like one face is overlaid but visible with the other.

NICK/XANDER: Warren your shoes are untied!

CUT TO "the real world" version of the warehouse. Xander lunges for ADAM BUSCH and removes the prop gun from his pants, disarming him. The gun falls to the ground as Xander & Adam also hit the ground. There's silence as Adam looks at Xander surprised.

ADAM: That's not on the cards!

Laughter erupts on the set, and the one laughing the loudest is the director. Xander looks around as he helps Adam back on his feet.

DIRECTOR: (walks up to Xander and shakes his hand) "Warren your shoes are untied!" (laughs again) That's a classic! I like your style, Brendan.

XANDER: You do?

DIRECTOR: Yeah! We'll keep it in!

ADAM: But it's not on the cards!

DIRECTOR: Yeah but it's FUNNY! And Buffy was going to take you out in a few minutes anyway. The show's running a little long. We'll use it. This episode is all about Xander anyway. He should be the one to disarm you. It makes sense. Besides, Sarah? Did you and Adam have time to block out a fight?

SARAH: (smiling at Xander) Yeah but we can use it later in the season.

DIRECTOR: Can you do that again? Same as before?

Xander looks at Adam, and we the audience know that sneering smile is him thinking about doing that to Warren.

XANDER: (mischievous grin) As many times as you like.

Director nods and walks off camera.

ADAM: (pats Xander on the shoulder) Just go a little easier on me next time, okay Nick? (he walks away smiling)

SARAH: (real close to Xander's face, with a smirk on hers) Spotlight stealer.

XANDER: I'm sorry. I messed up a fight scene for you didn't I?

SARAH: It's okay. I don't mind. (she kisses him on the cheek) You're a natural at this, Xandy. (she turns around to walk behind him. Xander has a stupid smile on his face. Sarah slaps Xander playfully on the ass. Xander face immediately shifts to shock).

DIRECTOR: (voice off camera) places everyone!

CUT TO 'buffyworld' warehouse. Nick is sitting on Warren, who's now unconscious. Anya has Jonathan's arm behind his back and he's in noticeable pain. Buffy is removing the restraints from Tom Lenk.

JONATHAN: Ow.

ANYA: Be thankful I don't kick you!

BUFFY: (kneeled down helping Tom) You okay mister?

TOM: (hugs her thinking she's-) Sarah! Oh thank God! I thought I was going mad!

BUFFY: (pulls him away carefully and tries to be comforting) The nightmare's not quite over yet.. Whatever your name is.

TOM: Tom! I'm Tom! Nick? What's going on?

NICK: Your guess is as good as mine at this point, dude. (glances around) Where's Willow?



CUT TO 'the real world' warehouse. Xander's looking around with a bit more concern.

XANDER: Where's Andrew? I mean Tom? Where'd he go?

CUT TO 'buffyworld' warehouse. camera angle is near Willow, who's in a far corner of the warehouse, at least thirty feet away from the pile of boxes which are visible in the background, as are the others, who now seem to be looking around for Willow. Willow's kneeled before a mirror, reaching her hand towards it.

Camera cuts to show Willow gently petting the green baby goblin creature, which's cooing and responding favorably to her kind touch.

Camera cuts to Anya, who glances over and sees Willow putting her hand through a mirror. Her reaction is one of shock and repulsiveness.

ANYA: Willow! Get back! Get away!

The others respond to Anya and look over at Willow. They slowly walk over towards her.

WILLOW: On no really Anya. I'm okay. I'm fine. See? I told you faeries were cute. This one's adorable! I mean he's not Tinkerbell cute but he really is.. Oh! Uhm.. Can I keep him?

ANYA, TOM, NICK, BUFFY, DAWN: (in unison) NO!

WILLOW: (looks disappointed) I think he's willing to help us!

ANYA: Will, he's the one that caused all of this!

WILLOW: Oh no! Not at all. That's not what he's telling me.

DAWN: You're talking to him?

WILLOW: (her arm's still inside the mirror, petting the changeling) Yes. Well yes and no. He's talking to me and I'm listening. (suddenly a little defensive) I'M not using magic to do this.

BUFFY: We didn't suggest you were.

WILLOW: (still petting changeling) He's using magic I'm just reciprocating favorably. He's telling me his side of the story in my head. He really is a sweet creature. Mean old Andrew had him locked in a cage but he looked around the room till he found a reflection and thought his way out.

ANYA: Andrew messing around with changelings! What an idiot!

WILLOW: What he wanted to do after that was take all of us human beings out of this world and into the other one so he could bring all his faerie friends to come party with him, but he sees now that it's not working the way he wanted it too. Cuz he pops a human out of this place and its twin pops back here. And also he thought all the human beings in this reality were mean ones like Andrew and Warren and Jonathan. But now that he's met me and we've felt each other's uhm..

BUFFY: Souls?

WILLOW: Well sorta. He doesn't call it that. There's not really a word for it. (she crinkles up her nose and smiles warmly) It tickles whatever it is. Tickles inside. He felt mine and I felt his and ..well now he likes humans a bit more. Not all of us of course, but I guess he looked into me and I looked into him and ..we both see hope in each other! (big smile) And I promised him I'd keep recyling.

ANYA: (rolling her eyes) thousands of years of embitterment between humans and fae and Willow cleans it up with one touch.

WILLOW: Not really. He's cautioned me that he knows others like him who will be harder to convince. I've indicated there's the same problem with my kind of people. But it's a start. Isn't it?

DAWN: Can I pet him?

WILLOW: Sure!

BUFFY: Dawn!

WILLOW: Well okay. Maybe some other time?

NICK: Can he help us? Can he get me and Tom back home?

GREEN KID: (through the glass. Willow's still petting him) Only as favor to Willow.

TOM: We understand. Thank you.

NICK: Yeah. Thanks loads. (turns around to face the others) Well! (clasps his hands together confidently) I guess this means goodBYYYYYYYYYYYEEE!!

Camera shot cuts to show both Nick & Tom flying across the warehouse from the mirror to back behind the pile of boxes, where there's a flash of light and some smoke.

CUT TO 'the real world' warehouse. Xander gets a similar unceremonious flight across the set towards the pile of boxes.

CUT TO reaction shot of Alyson and Sarah smiling as they see their newfound friend fly across the room and back where he came from. Hopefully. They head off camera towards the pile.

There are reaction shots of other actors & crewmen reacting to Xander flying through the air. Maybe a couple crewmen saying things like "prima donnas! Sheesh" or "I didn't know he was on a wire." "Shoulda used a stuntman." etc. Finishing with James Marsters who just walked onto the set.

JAMES MARSTERS: That's why they pay us the big bucks!

CUT TO Andrew, leaned up against a wall coming on unsuccessfully to a couple good looking interns who are laughing at him. Then suddenly he too is ripped away from them and is flying awkwardly through the air towards the pile of boxes.

With a flourish of bright light & smoke. it's over.

Cut to Willow who pulls her hand out of the mirror and waves goodbye to her new friend, who waves back and fades away. She stands up and turns to face the pile of boxes.

Buffy is already there pushing through boxes and being careful of broken glass. She reaches out and grabs an arm. It's Xander because he's not wearing boxer shorts or a Buffy T-shirt.

XANDER: Buffy?

BUFFY: Xander!?

They embrace. Anya rushes up and he embraces her too. Then Dawn.

WILLOW: Hey? Where'd Warren & Jonathan go?

BUFFY: They probably ran away. The babies.

ANYA: Tom & Nick both flew into the boxes together. Where's Andrew? Shouldn't he be in these boxes?

The others turn trying to find him but come up with nothing.



CUT TO close up of Andrew's face. He opens his eyes. Looks around. Looks down. Then he screams. Camera zooms back to reveal Andrew completely naked, with his hands covering over his naughty bits, standing in the middle of a parking lot somewhere in Sunnydale. When the camera stops pulling back, it rests with the image of a naked Andrew encased in a frame. The frame actually looks sort of like the shape of a side view mirror like those on cars. Indicating visually that the Changeling transported Andrew not through the mirrors behind the pile of boxes, but a mirror on the parking lot. Just because he wanted to be extra mean to Andrew for summoning him in the first place. In front of the frame is the green goblin kid looking directly at us and snickering. He's carrying Andrew's clothes, which drag on the floor behind him as he walks off frame, still snickering.

FAST FADE TO BLACK. END CREDITS.