Not mine.

For Thumbsucker Snitch:

Happy birthday! Just for you, I've put your favorite character through hell with no inspiration starting at 9 at night! Let's hope it turns out well!

*snort*

Hey, I tried….

~*~

I love your hands.

Do you remember around two in the afternoon today, when Nora came to see us? Came to see you. You had one arm around her waist, and you were playing with her hair. I never really noticed your fingers before. Strange, I thought I knew every little detail of your body, your mind, your soul, even.

I remember how your fingers looked, toying with the shining black strands.

My hair looks like that.

It would have looked the same, if your fingers had been in my hair.

It's funny, isn't it, the way I watch you. You would think I couldn't stand to see the boy I love with his girl. But I can't look away. No matter how much it hurts me, I can't look away. Like a passerby who sees the aftermath of an accident and goes to look, even though they know what they see will haunt them. If I watch you, then I can replay the images on the backs of my eyelids at night, except replacing her with me.

Aren't fantasies wonderful?

Fantasies and dreams. That's all I have. My imagination has to supply what should be memories, I tell myself. Why not? Why couldn't you have loved me? Because I am your friend. Because I am a boy.

The love of a friend is wonderful, say the dime novels. If you can't have any other kind of love, the love of a friend must tide you over. You could never survive without that.

It's a lie. Sometimes I wish I wasn't your friend, no more than I'm friends with those others whose names and faces I know and nothing else. It wouldn't be so bad, such torture if we weren't friends. If I just watched you from afar. I could live with that. I could live my life like that.

My Da always said that everything was all right in Heaven. He said there was no pain, no worries, no problems. Heaven is where you are happy. It's where you rest after life. Where you rest for evermore.

Is it true, Da? Did everything you wished for come to pass? Are you freed from all of life's burdens?

I don't quite understand why everyone makes such a big deal about living. If Heaven is all it's cracked up to be, why not kill everyone as soon as they're born, so they don't have to endure the hardship of life at all? They could just go straight up there, where they would have eternal peace. Why do we care so much about our short lives, if they're not going to matter in the long run? Why not just die now?

Am I going to Heaven?

Isn't my life a sin? Isn't my entire life of cheating and lying and stealing? Isn't my life of loving you? Why, though? Why is loving you a sin? You're the most perfect, beautiful, wonderful boy on this earth. I couldn't stand not to love you, as much as it hurts. As much as it's killing me inside. Just like it will kill me in reality.

It's a hot night. You're probably tossing and turning in your bunk right now. I hope you don't wake up and notice I'm not there. Sleep well. Sleep well.

There's a slight breeze off the water, so dark and unearthly as it is tonight. It's wonderful, just standing here, knowing what I have done and what I will do and being at peace with it all.

My dive is perfect, soundless, not disturbing the night. I wish fleetingly that you could have seen. You used to love to swim with me, remember? We were going to go swimming tomorrow. I hope you enjoy it.

The water is as cool and calming as it promised to be. I sink towards the bottom, letting myself relax into it. It gets deeper, and colder, but I'm not scared. I am going to Heaven. I am going to where all my dreams will come true.

I can't feel the water any longer. I'm not cold anymore, instead everything is warm around me, but dark still. Everything is perfect and wonderful and tranquil.

A light is growing now, all around me. Slowly, the warm glow fills…everywhere, anywhere, wherever I am.

"Da?"

"Yes, Sean. It's me." Why do you sound so sad, Da? I'm here now. I'll be with you forever.

The light and the warmth are starting to fade away now, and so is your voice. I feel so detached. So alone. Is this Heaven? Please, I want to go back. I want to go back to you, back to life. Please, I didn't think it would be like this!

"I'm sorry, Sean…" I can't hear you anymore, Da. Da, come back! Please! Don't leave me like this, fading slowly away from everything.

It's all so dim now. Nothing seems to matter. All the cares of life, like you said. All of everything is disappearing. Just one more second, please, let me stay!

Please…

……I thought you would love me in Heaven……

~*~

Wow…that turned out really bizarre and different than I thought it would.

Sorry about it not being the typical birthday fic. I just have a problem with happy stories…