Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate Atlantis.

Title: And Then, You Start To Regret

Content: Angsty Sheppard/Weir stuff, from Elizabeth's POV.

A/N: I'm not sure, butI might write a couple of sequels for this.

XXXXXXXXXXX

I watch them from my place on the balcony overlooking the Stargate, watching him lean forward with a smile as he lightly tugs down her vest, correcting the strange angle at which it sits. That one act seems intimate, meaningful to me and I feel something inside me sting. It hurts more than it would have a few months ago, seeing him like this with someone, because I realise that I could have been the one he looked at that way. I had my chance and not only did I turn him away, I destroyed our friendship.

Seven nights ago, I stood at my favourite balcony, finding, as usual, that nothing relaxed me more than the familiar view before me. Then he came, shuffling his feet in an uncharacteristic display of nervousness, seemingly close to saying something. Before I knew it, he was telling me how his feelings for me had progressed beyond just friendship, how he wanted a different relationship to the one we already had, because he sensed I felt the same way. How deeply he cared for me.

What I said to him after he stopped speaking, was barely thought out. The words that came out were instinctive, automatic. They were what I knew I should say, but definitely not what I wanted to say.

I'm sorry. I can't.

It's funny, but the worst moments in life seem to stick longer than the best. I will never forget the devastation that flickered openly over his face.

I couldn't even tell him why. I can admit to myself that the whole declaration of love from him was somewhat of a secret dream, created through my own feelings for him, but just that- a dream. The fact that it was becoming a reality made me realise that I couldn't be involved with him. If there ever came a time when I would have to choose between him and Atlantis . . .it had been hard enough letting him go on his suicide mission and we were just friends. But this explanation wouldn't form into sound and he left, confused and probably regretting he ever said anything.

Since that night, he has become distant . . .almost cold. We don't talk much anymore, only when necessary and I know now that those four words had a bigger impact than I could have imagined. Not because it wasn't what he wanted to hear, but because it wasn't enough to justify my abrupt rejection. He deserved- and still does- an explanation, but I didn't give him one and that was what would have upset him most.

So I stand here, my thoughts serving only to leave me feeling lonelier than ever. I miss our easy conversations and playful banter. I miss him. I suppose I didn't know how much he and his way of making me smile me meant to me until it disappeared.

The 'gate is opened at my signal and his team prepares to head out. Teyla laughs at something he mutters into her ear and suddenly he glances up, meeting my eyes. For once, I can't maintain a neutral expression, like I've dozens of times before, in a dozen different situations. For once, I'm sure that every emotion I'm experiencing right now is showing clearly on my face. But only for a moment. Because I'm turning away, afraid of what else I might reveal, afraid he'll see how much I'm hurting.

He gave me his heart and I let him go.

And I'm not sure if I'll ever forgive myself for it.