Title: The Power of a Word
Author: PyroChilde
Summary: One word can change your life, Severus Snape learned this lesson the hard way.
Disclaimer: Lilly Evans, Severus Snape, and anyone else you might recognize belong to JKR, not me. Also, the lyrics are from The Brilliant Dance – Dashboard Confessional. Those aren't mine either, so don't sue me!
So this is odd
The painful realization that all has gone wrong
He could still remember the first time he had laid eyes on Lilly Evans. Her and her sister had thought themselves alone in the park. Neither of them had any idea of the ten year old boy watching them from afar. He remembered seeing her glittering, bright green eyes twinkling with mirth and then her older sister's fearful shrieks. It was the first time he'd seen her do magic and he knew that he'd fallen in love with her that very day.
Two young girls were laughing as they swung back and forth. For a moment, it was the perfect little family scene. He watched as the younger of the two girls swung higher and higher, far above her older sister's head.
"Lilly, don't do it!" The elder girl yelled fearfully at the tiny redhead. Severus watched with a delighted smile as the girl let go of the chains and launched herself higher still into the air. With a great shout of laughter she flew into the air, hanging there for far longer than should have been possible. Soaring through the air, the young boy watched as her bright eyes danced with joy before she landed far too lightly on the asphalt. He'd known since he first laid eyes on her that this amazing girl couldn't be just your average muggle. This only proved his suspicions, Lilly Evans was a witch.
"Mummy told you not to! Mummy said you weren't allowed, Lilly!" her annoying muggle sister yelled frantically. Lilly just smiled serenely, her presence filling the hiding boy with a calm he had never known before.
"I'm fine!" Lilly said, giggling happily. "Tuney, look at this! Watch what I can do!"
The older girl, Petunia, glanced around nervously as if afraid her parents would arrive any moment and they'd be in trouble. Finally though, her curiosity overwhelmed her disapproval. Lilly was holding out a flower in her palm and when her sister moved closer for a better look she shrieked yet again. The flower in Lilly's palm sat opening and closing its petals like a strange, many-lipped oyster.
"Stop it! It's not right Lilly!" The muggle yelled again, fear evident in her high pitched voice.
"It's not hurting you Tuney!" Lilly said, and Severus heard the hurt in her voice at her sister's vehement denial of what she saw. When the muggle brat demanded to know how it was done, he had made his presence known.
Snape smiled to himself as he recalled her offense at what she'd perceived as an insult. That day had not gone as he'd been planning. The brat sister had been mostly to blame, but in the end it hadn't mattered. In the following weeks, Snape had made up for the rough introduction. Lilly was a kind, sweet girl with a heart bigger than anyone he'd ever known. She made him feel like he was important, made him feel loved for the first time in his life. Lilly Evans had quickly become his best, his only friend in the world.
"Look Sev, isn't it wonderful!" A little redhead sat beside a hunched, sallow looking boy. Before them was the scarlet steam engine that would take them away to Hogwarts. Lilly looked over at the boy, the one that made her feel like the only person in the world, and smiled warmly. She knew how much it meant for him to get away from his vile parents. His dark eyes locked on her bright green ones and he smiled in that shy little way that was reserved especially for her.
"Yeah" he whispered softly, but he wasn't looking at the train waiting to take them away to a world of wonder. Severus had eyes only from her. Blushing wildly and ducking her head slightly, she grabbed his hand and pulled him behind her to find the two of them a compartment.
It hadn't mattered to Lilly that they were in different houses. She'd never been one to care about such things. While she was a Gryffindor through and through, she had no problem making friends in other houses. Everyone loved Lilly and she didn't have a mean bone in her entire body. For him though, it would have been horrible to be seen hanging around her. He'd never had friends before and the thought of isolating himself from all his fellow Slytherins in order to spend time with Lilly was horrible. Thinking back on it now, he realized how stupid he had been, but there was nothing he could do about it.
For the first year they were at Hogwarts, Serverus and Lilly ignored one another unless they were alone. She would sneak off to the dungeons to meet him at his request and she never said a word about his adamant refusal to admit to the student body that they were friends. The year passed and when the summer came, they were inseparable once again.
And nobody cares at all
And nobody cares at all
That summer, in the park where he had first approached her, Lilly Evans blushed horribly when she asked him if he thought she was pretty. A week later, the only time he'd ever asked her to his home, Lilly sat on his bed acting nervous in a way he'd never seen her before. That day, with his mother and father out as they rarely were, Lilly gave him his very first kiss. By the next summer, Severus Snape had a girlfriend. For one wonderful year, the two of them were happy. Then…everything started to go wrong.
Lilly and Snape walked across the courtyard arguing. They were fourth years now and they had somehow managed to keep first their friendship and then their year-long relationship a secret. Lilly was tired of hiding, Severus knew it and yet he could not bear the thought of losing all his friends when they found out that he was dating a Gryffindor. He had never had friends before and he didn't want to lose them now.
"I thought you loved me Sev! I thought I meant something to you!" Lilly whispered harshly and Snape could hear the oncoming tears in her voice. He didn't need to look at her to know that her brilliant green eyes would be shining with her pain.
"I DO Lilly! I love you more than you could ever know…but you don't understand! My friends, they…" He tried to explain, his voice pleading, but she cut him off mid-sentence.
"Yeah, great friends they are! I don't like them Sev, they scare me. Avery and Mulciber, what do you see in them? D'you know what he tried to do to Mary Macdonald the other day?" Lilly had stopped, leaning against a pillar to look up into his thin face. Her palm reached out to cup his cheek gently and he leaned into the touch against his will.
"It was nothing, just a laugh, honestly Lilly-"His eyes downcast, he didn't see the emotion flash in her eyes before she quickly pulled her hand back.
"It was Dark Magic Sev. She could have been hurt…how can you think that's funny? Avery and Mulciber's idea of humor is EVIL Severus. I don't know how you don't see that." Her tears spilled over then.
He hated himself for his stubborn refusal to let anyone know about them. He wanted so much to take her in his arms and promise he'd never do dark magic again, to swear that he'd be a good person if only for her sake. Instead he'd retorted something about James Potter and she'd stormed away from him with tears pouring down her gorgeous face. He would never forget the painful stab in his chest when he realized he's made her cry. A week later, Potter had him hanging upside-down by his ankle and his fury boiled over in his veins making him lash out at the only person in the world that he had ever love. It was just a word, one horrible word that he'd been spitting out in disgust at all those unworthy souls that got in his way. It was just a word, one that all his fellow Slytherins used on a regular basis and that he had never hesitated in using in that past…but never on her. In his rage, he didn't think as the word exploded from his lips and fell upon her like a physical blow shattering everything they'd ever had. Mudblood, he called her, and with that horrid exclamation he knew that he'd lost her forever.
From that fateful day on, his "friends" meant nothing to him. They never knew of his relationship with the most wonderful, beautiful girl in the school and possibly in the entire world. They could never hope to understand what he had lost when that word left his lips, could never grasp what it had felt like to see her shining eyes move from concern to hurt and betrayal and finally settling on utter contempt. No one cared about Severus Snape and his broken heart. No one cared at all.
So you buried all your lovers clothes
And burned the letters lover wrote
But it doesn't make it any better
Does it make it any better?
He stood there in his dormitory staring down at the trunk he'd magically sealed. This particular trunk was protected by more hexes, curses, and jinxes than any fourth year had any business knowing. The reason it was so well protected was because the treasures held within were among his most prized possessions. That was, until Lilly Evans shattered his heart and soul with one contemptuous look and turned her back on him forever. He knew, of course, that it had been his fault. He never should have called her such a vile name, and yet it was her he blamed. Perhaps it was out of self-preservation.
Making sure he was alone in the room, Severus threw open the trunk. Pulling out his school things quickly, he revealed the hidden compartment full of mementos that had meant the world to him. Pictures of him and Lilly smiling and waving happily mocked his pain and in a fury he ripped every last one to shreds. There were gifts she'd given him, the only birthday and Christmas cards he'd ever received, old letters, a two way mirror, and many other things that he had accumulated over the term of their friendship turned more. Each item within held beautiful memories, the best times in Snape's life could be recalled in the stories told by his most precious possessions. In that moment, however, they all seemed to taunt him with what he knew he would never have again.
Pulling out his wand, Severus set about destroying every last memory of Lilly Evans, the only true friend he'd ever had and the only person that had ever really loved him. The love letters she'd written burned to ash and disappeared forever. Pictures, once torn to shreds, met the same fate. Snape took the leather-bound journal with two silver snakes which seemed to dance across the cover and whipped it across the room before reducing it to nothing with a well placed reductor curse. He refused to allow himself to think about the day she'd given it to him just one week into their first year. He didn't want to remember the magically inscribed message, the vow that despite the rivalry between their houses she would always be his friend. He didn't want to remember her kindness or her love because he knew that he'd lost it forever. The next item he pulled from the trunk, the two-way mirror, was quickly shattered on the dorm floor. There would be no need to contact her again. Severus never wanted to see the disgust in her eyes…and he never wanted to see the betrayal or the pain again either.
When the room had been sufficiently destroyed, all things connected to Lilly gone from his sight, Severus fell to his knees. Head held in his hands and black hair falling like a curtain around him, Severus wept for the loss of the best thing he'd ever had. Guilt, regret, and loss ate away at him drawing a tortured scream from his lips. Of course, no one would hear his anguish and the young boy guess that if they had, no one would care. After all, Lilly was the only one that had ever cared…and he'd driven her away with one awful word.
And the plaster dented from your fist
In the hall where you had your first kiss
Reminds you that the memories will fade
The year ended and Severus was horrified as he watched Lilly accompanied by two other fourth year girls walk into the compartment on the Hogwarts that was usually occupied by Potter and his idiot friends. The insufferable gits followed shortly after and his heart ached when he heard her laughter at something one of the guys said. The entire ride home was unbearable for the lonely boy in the compartment across the hall. Mulciber and Avery were off with their other friends. It seemed they had no use for him at the moment and Severus wondered bitterly how he ever could have cared more about their opinions that about what Lilly wanted. All she'd ever asked of him was not to be kept as some dirty little secret and he hadn't even been able to give her that. 'I never deserved her.'
Walking into his room, he was once more assaulted with memories of her. It seemed impossible that, for having only stepped foot in the room once, it could be so full of memories of her. He looked at his bed and saw their first kiss all over again.
It was a rare occasion that Severus had the house to himself. On the off the chance that he did have that luxury, he would normally pour through the books on hexes and powerful curses that his dead mother tried to keep from him. On this day, however, something much more exhilarating awaited him. Lilly had been prepared to meet him at the park that afternoon but he'd sent her an owl asking her to come over. Glancing at the clock in the kitchen, he tapped his fingers nervously as he waited. It wasn't long before a knock at the door announced her arrival.
Lilly entered the house, looking around in awe at the various magical items that littered the house. He sometimes forgot that she was not used to such things, being muggle born as she was. It was the moving pictures that, even after so much time, brought her such innocent joy. Severus still didn't see how muggles could be so ignorant as not to be able to make pictures move but he would never say that to Lilly.
"Um…do you wanna see my room or something?" He asked her nervously, wringing his hands and looking down. Her giggles warmed his heart and he swore it leapt into his throat when she replied that she would love to. Moving up the stairs, the two friends fell into their usual comfortable chatter. Severus showed him around his room, loving the way she smiled and told him how brilliant it all was. He knew it wasn't much, and yet with her grinning at him like she was it felt like the most elaborate mansion in the world. Everything was perfect when Lilly laughed and smiled like she was, even him.
Sitting on his bed, Lilly leaning comfortably against his chest, Severus told her the stories that witches and wizards told their children. She, in turn, retold the fairy tales that she'd been told as a little girl. They talked about Quidditch, about their new favorite books, about their dreams and their fears. Nothing was too trivial or too deep to be covered. It was just like any of their other talks beneath the big oak tree in the park. They had just finished laughing about the outcome of a book they'd just read when Lilly sat up and looked at him, her expression more serious than it had been in hours.
"Sev…you know you're my best friend don't you?" She asked quietly. Staring into those brilliant green eyes, he could see the sincerity of her words and it took his breath away. He knew that she was of course his best friend…but he never would have imagined she felt the same for him. It was crazy, such a wonderful girl thinking so much of a damaged boy like himself. He knew that he wasn't good or kind r brave like she was. He was dark where she was such pure, radiant light. Still, she looked at him like he was so much more and it filled him with warmth like nothing else could.
"You're my best friend too Lilly." He replied, not breaking eye contact and hoping that she could see the truth in his eyes as he could with her. He was stunned when, slowly, she leaned forward and pressed her lips softly to his. It wasn't much, just a quick peck, and yet it was everything. His heart soared and he felt invincible, like nothing could touch him now.
Severus snapped back to reality as if he'd been drenched in ice water. Without ever making the decision to do it, his fist slammed into the wall beside his bed. He didn't notice the tears that slipped down his thin, sallow face. He didn't hear his own muffled sobs or feel the pain as blood dripped from his torn up knuckles. All he knew was the gut wrenching guilt that followed him around everywhere he went and all he saw were her sparkling eyes flash with pain and fill with tears as he spat out that word. Mudblood.
So this is strange
A side stepping has come to be a brilliant dance
Where nobody leads at all
Where nobody leads at all
That summer was the worst of Snape's life. Where, over the past four years, Severus had Lilly to keep him company he now had no one. He'd tried to approach her once, in the park that had always seemed like their alone. She was sitting on the swing just like she had been the first time he'd approached her. Her head snapped up to stare him in the eye even though he knew he hadn't made a sound. He guessed that it was all the time they'd spent together in the past. She seemed to be able to detect his presence somehow and he didn't know whether he liked that or not.
"What do you want Severus?" She asked with a sigh and he nearly flinched at the sound of his full name. She never called him Severus and it didn't bode well for him. He noticed her eyes were red and puffy as if she'd been crying and he itched to take her in his arms as he had so many times before.
"I just wanted to talk to you Lilly…please, can't we just talk? I never meant to-" he started, but her voice cut across his angry and cold as he'd never heard it before.
"What didn't you mean Severus?! You didn't mean to call me mudblood?" She spat out the word as if she couldn't stand to taste it on her tongue, like it was something vile. Snape had to remind himself that it was. Looking into her blazing eyes, always so expressive, he didn't have anything to say for himself. What could he say to the accusation in her voice, in her eyes? He almost told her that it just slipped, but that wouldn't have made things any better and he didn't think that his vocal chords would cooperate to let him say anything anyway.
"I loved you! I swore that there was good in you. I defended you and made excuses for you and I forgave you again and again. I turned a blind eye to your obsession with the dark arts and I pretended I didn't notice how you took pleasure it other people's pain. You were never that person when you were with me so I could convince myself that it wasn't really you, that you just wanted to fit in or something and that you didn't really like to hurt people. I believed in you, no matter how many people said horrible things about you and I said you weren't like all your little death eater wannabe friends…but I was wrong wasn't I Severus? You are like them, sick and twisted and evil just like the rest of them, aren't you?" Her voice remained calm and cold throughout her outburst and each word cut into his heart. There was no defense to any of what she'd said, both of them knew it. He'd never wanted to hurt his Lilly but in the end he'd let scars on her soul that no other had ever managed. When her tears cascaded down her cheeks he longed to wipe them away. Instead he dropped his head to keep her from seeing his own tears.
"I'm sorry Lilly." He whispered and he meant it. With every fiber of his being, from the very depths of his soul, he meant it.
"So am I Sev, so am I." She replied just as quietly. When she stood and walked back towards her house they both knew that it would be the last words they would share.
And the picture frames are facing down
And the ringing from this empty sound
Is deafening and keeping you from sleep
And breathing is a foreign task
And thinking's just too much to ask
And you're measuring your minutes by a clock thats blinking eights
Severus didn't sleep that night. It was as if her words echoed in his mind on an endless loop wringing tears from him until there were no more tears to cry. The only thing worse than the cold, accusation in her voice was the look in her eyes. Every time he closed his own, those eyes burned into his soul. He'd been right all along. He was far to damaged, sick and twisted liked she'd said, to ever deserve the love or friendship of Lilly Evans.
The only picture of her that had escaped his rampage sat framed upon his nightstand. It lay face down now so that he didn't have to look at his own smiling face and see that contentment that he was sure he would never again feel. He couldn't bare to see her in smiling out at the world from her spot curled in his arms beneath that oak tree.
The quiet sobs he couldn't hold at bay rang hollowly in his ears. It was all useless, meaningless buckets of salt spilling from cold, dead eyes. No one would care about the boy weeping alone in his room, the sound drowned out by the angry shouts from his parents downstairs. His tears could not soothe the self-inflicted heart ache; nothing could quiet the raging storm of loss and self-loathing within. With each breath he took, Severus wished it would be his last.
And this is incredible, starving, insatiable
Yes this is love for the first time
And you'd like to think that you were invincible
Yeah, well weren't we all once before we felt lost for the first time
Well this is the last time
This is the last time
This is the last time
There was a time, once when he was but a child, that Severus had felt like nothing could ever touch him. Sitting on his bed holding his Lilly in his arms and sharing all his hopes and dreams with her, he'd been just another boy happily in love. There had been a time when his worries were brushed away with a brush of her lips against his, when his insecurities were vanquished by the love shining in a pair of beautiful, bright green eyes.
Severus Snape had been innocent once. For four short years, with his best friend and so much more standing beside him, he was more than the weird loner from Spinners End. His black eyes weren't always cold and distant. Once upon the time they'd fallen upon an adorable redhead jumping off a swing giggling in the face of her older sister's fearful shrieks and they had been filled with wonder. Snape's heart wasn't always made of stone, that had come later. No, there had been a girl, the kindness most gentle girl in the world and she had made him feel invincible. Oh, to be in love! Even Severus had known that joy at one time. Lilly Evans warmed his heart and gave his soul wings with which to soar.
That had been before though, before one word revealed the darkness within. He still marveled at it, the idea that one word could so drastically change a person's entire life. Years later, Severus still could not bring himself to utter the vile word that had stolen his last illusions of innocence. Looking down at the Dark Mark burned into his forearm years after he'd left Hogwarts, Severus would remember those four years before he died inside and he would marvel at the power of a word.