Title: Love Is Pain
Author: KS
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: IWTB, Season 10
Notes: Mulder/Scully
Summary: Takes place shortly before SS10. What on earth would ever cause Mulder and Scully to break up? A story of two people who are perfectly imperfect.
A/N: Inspired by the X-Files Fanfic Writer's Guild challenge. Special thabks to WildWingSuz for Beta-ing.
December 2014
It had been two years since the end of the world didn't happen and their world had been more upside down than it had ever been. They didn't know what to believe in anymore or who to trust. Mulder and Scully had spent a few years on the run and another several in the unremarkable house they bought seven years ago in the middle of nowhere.
Scully had been able to resume a somewhat approaching normal life once they had settled down. While living their nomadic lifestyle, she spent her time studying before doing her residency. So long as the X-Files remained closed, she was able to get her life back, while Mulder remained a fugitive for another several years.
It was difficult, being the sole income earner, the only driver with one car. She did all the shopping, bill paying, you name it. Simple pleasures like eating out were gone. She had grown to worry about him and the effect of long term isolation. Thankfully, the FBI had presented him with a chance for a way out, which he eventually took, due to her insistence.
However, his involvement on the case made her realize that his involvement in the X-Files, The FBI, everything was also the cause to their current circumstances. She knew it was who he was, but a part of her couldn't handle that.
She had already lost so much; her father, sister, daughter and their son. She was estranged from her mother as a very result of the latter. Sometimes she wondered if her mother had ever forgiven her; she knew her mother never understood why she had given up her miracle child.
Scully closed her eyes as she looked at the snowfall outside of a hole-in-the-wall café, clutching a cup of steaming coffee in her hand. This was her favorite café and it was close to the hospital. The baristas had even grown to know her by name as she was here nearly every day getting her latte. She switched from nonfat to almond milk. Perhaps nonfat had less calories, but it had more added sugar. As a doctor, she knew most nonfat items were just a marketing scheme. She tried soy for a while, but eventually opted for almond milk when it made its debut in recent years. Most soy had GMOs anyways.
Scully turned to admire the bustling café full of people before her gaze came to rest on a photo on the wall next to her. It was a vintage black and white image of two ceramic mugs and a vase, with a single flower on a table. The interior portion of the photo was that of a café, that looked much like the one she was sitting in. The ceramic mugs looked exactly like the ones they used for dine-in purposes, though she always preferred her beverages to be portable. The table pieces were also very similar to the bottle-like vase in the photo. She came to the conclusion that this image was taken here at some point, though she hadn't noticed it before. She sighed and turned back to the window next to her.
Scully took a deep breath as she watched the familiar, but increasingly frail, elderly woman walk into the café. Margaret Scully placed a quick order for a cup of black coffee before coming to find her in the furthest corner of the café.
Scully felt overwhelmed with excitement. She had seen her mother a few times over the past decade, though it was usually only around holidays. She couldn't bring herself to spend them with Bill, especially now that she and Mulder had separated.
"Hi, Mom," she said earnestly as she hugged the older woman who was getting more frail as each year passed. She herself had started noticing the lines of aging in her face recently. She considered herself to be in great shape for someone who was almost fifty-one, but the last twenty years had not been easy on her.
"Dana," Maggie said as she pulled back from her daughter only momentarily, examining her up and down. She was taking in her lighter colored hair, which was now pulled back into a bun, and her slimmer physique. The separation had been difficult and she didn't spend much time grocery shopping these days.
"Are you eating enough? You've gotten so thin."
Scully forced a nod, even though her mother had some right to be concerned.
"Yeah, don't worry, I'm fine."
Her mother gave her a look that said she saw straight through her line of BS, but let it go as she sat down.
Maggie had found out about her and Mulder's separation when her daughter was moving back to D.C. They had been estranged over the years and she needed to do something about that. It was bad enough having Charlie not speaking to her and she had lost her other daughter, so most of her time was spent with Bill, Tara and the kids.
"Dana, are you okay?"
Scully nodded. Though she and Mulder had been separated about six months, it still hurt to talk about him. She wasn't ready to open that wound just yet. She had spent nearly two decades of her life with him and moving on wasn't going to be that simple.
"Dana?" her mom placed a hand over her own, bringing her out of her clouded thoughts.
"Huh? Oh…yes, I'm fine," Scully started. She had a sense that wasn't what Maggie came to talk with her about though. "Mom…what did you come to tell me?"
It was then that Margaret Scully folded her hands over her steaming cup of hot coffee. As she hesitated, Scully frowned, preparing herself for what was next.
"Dana…I..um, a few months back I had a mild heart attack."
Scully nearly jumped up from her chair. "Wh-what?!" Suddenly the entire place was silent and Scully could feel eyes on them. She quickly composed herself and lowered her voice. "Mom, why didn't you tell me this?"
"You had just broken up with Fox…and I didn't want to worry you, you've been through enough, dear."
Scully sighed, taking her mom's hands into her own. "Oh God."
Maggie managed a smile. "Don't worry about me, I'm going to be fine."
Scully pulled back. "Are you sure? You have a good cardiologist. I could find-"
Maggie shook her head. "Yes, Dana, and I'm following all of my doctor's orders."
"Good."
"I did want to go over the will with you sometime soon, Dana."
Scully stiffened at the words.
"I promise I'm fine, Dana, but I am in my 80s now…I think it's a good time to revisit it."
Her mother had a point. She didn't want to think of her mother as a mortal being, but as a doctor, Scully knew her mother was right. It was the responsible thing to do.
"With the grandchildren in the picture and of course…William."
Scully wasn't expecting that. She had given her child up for adoption almost thirteen years ago and she had no rights to him. She didn't expect her mother to even consider putting him in the will. It gave her hope, however. Hope that she would see him again someday soon. She wanted her mother to see him again and perhaps…forgive her.
As if sensing her daughter's thoughts, Maggie squeezed her hand. "I don't blame you for what you had to do, Dana," she started.
Scully felt the air leave her lungs in relief and she bit her lower lip as her eyes filled with tears.
Maggie managed a sad smile as tears filled her own eyes. "I didn't understand at the time, but…I do now. I know you only meant to protect him. I know you'll see him someday."
Her mother's reassuring words had given her hope. "Me too," she whispered.
Maggie patted her daughter's hand and stood up, tossing her empty cardboard coffee cup in the nearby trash. "Well, I have an appointment with my cardiologist, Dana. Can you please try and make it for Christmas this year, if you're not working?"
Scully managed a sad smile. "I will try," she said as she stood up to embrace her mother, before throwing her own cup in the trash.
Maggie examined Scully's ID tag, white coat and scrubs underneath. "Well, I imagine you have to get back to work too, Dana. I do want you to know that I am proud of you and I'm sure Ahab is too. I know he is."
Scully had to swallow her breath before she burst into tears.
"Let me know about Christmas, okay? Come to mass with us beforehand."
Scully nodded. "I will, I love you, Mom."
Scully watched her mom leave before composing herself in order to face her next appointment. For months, every lasting thought throughout the day was of Mulder.
They had been married for about 6 years, though no one really knew about it aside from them and the witness they had in the Caribbean. Leaving him was one of the most difficult things she had ever done, aside from giving her son up for adoption. She couldn't handle it anymore, however.
Though he was exonerated in 2008 and fully reinstated as a legal citizen, his obsession grew out of control. First, because of the need to prepare for the 2012 invasion. When the world didn't end on that date, though, he lost his life's purpose. He went into a deep depression. He drank uncontrollably, became angry at her for giving up their son…something that he had spent years assuring her that he never blamed her for. It awakened something inside of her that she never expected: anger. She hadn't realized how much she had resented him for everything that had happened in her life. Her abduction, the loss of her sister and their son. She knew she'd made the choice to be on this journey with him, but part of her also hated him for it.
Not long after the Joseph Crissman case, Scully had found out she was pregnant again. She had some difficulty grasping that concept, but at the same time, she was excited for another chance. Those dreams came crashing down around her, however, when she miscarried at twelve weeks. She would never become a mother. That loss only added to her resentment and they never talked about William as it was.
During his downward spirals, they got in heated arguments that involved yelling matches, screaming matches and even physical matches. Scully knew that he would never intentionally hurt her, but this wasn't the same Mulder. The look in his eyes always changed during his episodes. In the end, she would always be sobbing uncontrollably in the bathroom, wondering how things ended up this way and lost herself in memories while cursing God for all his cruelties. When the invasion didn't come, Mulder had changed in a way she had never witnessed before. It wasn't the Mulder that she knew. Eventually, she had forced him to seek psychiatric help, which had been far from easily. Later on, he was diagnosed with endogenous depression.
Today, like many others recently, Scully would lose herself in her work in order to escape the void in her life. She didn't have much biological family left. Her mother was really the only person that she kept in regular contact with nowadays. Despite their differences, the thought of losing her was terrifying. Aside from Mulder, she was the only other person that she trusted 100%.
Her apartment was only a short drive from the hospital. She actually hadn't minded the 45 minute drive to their unremarkable house. It always gave her time to think about work, about the future that never happened. In months before their separation, she would usually be pondering the heated arguments she had with Mulder. Watching him continue to chase the darkness made her grow to resent him. It was only a reminder of the loss they'd had in their lives as a result of his quest. She knew this was the man she chose to share her life with, but she couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't follow him.
Today, on the ten minute drive home, she would wince as she passed several families who were happily admiring holiday decorations. It only served as a reminder of what she had lost. She didn't even have Mulder to celebrate the day with this year. This year, she fully intended on being Mrs. Scrooge as she didn't have a single decoration in her already furnished apartment, not that they had decorated much before anyways.
Her new apartment was much smaller than her previous one in Georgetown. It was a fully furnished, luxury one bedroom apartment. It was high rise and even had its own security. About fifteen years ago, this would have been perfect, but she missed the simplicity and homey feeling of the unremarkable house. She had to forget about it though, that part of her life was over. She had to move on.
She wasn't hungry much these days, so she opted for a pre-packaged quinoa salad she picked up during her meager shopping trip earlier that week and started on her paperwork.
The next day, she found herself at Joe's Café once again, grabbing a quick double shot latte before a surgery she had that morning. She had barely slept with her thoughts on her mother and…Mulder. She had entirely forgotten to call her mother and ask how her appointment went, but she was strapped for time, so she sent a quick text message.
As she was walking through to exit, she was looking down and so involved in her text that she didn't see the person walking in towards her. She gasped as her drink splattered on her blouse, her phone falling to the floor in the process.
"I'm so sorry, excuse me!" she exclaimed as she quickly scooped up her phone and made a mad dash towards the coffee bar and grabbed some napkins.
"Scully?"
Scully felt her heart drop to the pit of her stomach at the familiar voice. How was it possibly to feel both overwhelming love and feel seriously aggravated by a sound at the same time? She closed her eyes and stiffened before turning to face him. She clenched the napkin tightly in her right hand. "Hi," she said nonchalantly before dabbing at her blouse and walking back towards the exit. 'What was he doing here?' she thought.
She looked back in his direction, still avoiding eye contact. Seeing him again made her feel things she would rather forget. After her brief assessment of him, seeing that she had managed not to spill her drink on him, she quickly made a move towards the front door.
"Scully!" he called from behind her.
She turned to look back at him, seeing that he followed her outside. "I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention-"
"No, it was my fault," he insisted.
Scully felt her heart racing in her chest as he slipped his hands into his jeans, looking her up and down.
She had changed her hair. It wasn't as long as it used to be, it was just past shoulder length, and it was curled. He couldn't help but wonder if she had started seeing someone else. He couldn't get over her.
"You look good."
He resented her for trying to change him and be someone that he wasn't. If he admitted it, the adoption of their son had always bothered him, yet he had tried to stay strong for her all these years. None of that stopped him from wanting her and needing her back, however.
Scully found herself gazing back into those hazel depths. It looked like he hadn't rested in days. Maybe he was here for a caffeine boost. She mentally kicked herself. More than likely, he was here to meet a contact…like he had started doing unbeknownst to her not long after the date of the invasion had passed. How was it possible to love someone so completely and hate them at the same time?
She looked down at the drink in her hands, realizing she had burned the back of her hand and the top of her chest.
"Scully, I-"
She sighed. "I'm sorry, I have a surgery in thirty minutes, I have to go," she started towards her Explorer.
He surprised her by catching her wrist, though not roughly or anything. She gasped.
Realizing he had startled her, he dropped his hand quickly and shoved it back into his pocket.
"I'm sorry, I just…I wanted you to know I'm trying to change, doc. I'm taking my meds and trying to stop drinking."
Scully managed a weak mile. "Good, are…are you doing okay?" As she looked at him, she realized he had a few fine lines that graced the side of his eyes that she hadn't seen before. Life had been far from good to him, she had to remember that. Herself included. She'd noticed that she started graying even more since their breakup. She started dying her hair strawberry blonde about eight years ago to make it less noticeable.
She wasn't prepared for his next choice of words. "Please, come home, Scully."
Her heart ached. "I'm sorry, Mulder. You know I can't do that."
He stepped closer and she stiffened slightly as he ran his fingers through her curled hair. "I'm getting better, I want to change…I am changing."
She tried to manage a small smile as she allowed his simple touch. "Why are you here Mulder? For some reason, I doubt it's just for a caffeine fix. This place is miles away from the house and you have an espresso machine at home."
Like a deer caught in headlights, he stepped back.
"You're here to meet someone aren't you?" she continued.
There was nothing he could say. It was true.
She sighed. "You were right, Mulder. It was wrong of me to try to change you. But, I cannot do this anymore, you know that."
"Something is still going to happen, Scully. In about a year's time."
She couldn't help but shake her head in disbelief. This was the Mulder she knew.
"That's what I mean. Mulder, I'll always care about you and I'll always be your friend, but I can't do this anymore."
He followed as she began to move towards her car as she opened the door.
"You're just going to…walk away?"
"Merry Christmas, Mulder. Please take care of yourself, okay?"
It felt as if his heart was breaking all over again, seeing the love of his life walk away once more. He watched silently as she got into the car and left, but not before making eye contact with him one last time. He swore he saw unshed tears in those eyes as she gazed back at him and he could only hope that one day she wouldn't look back at him with unrequited feelings.
"Merry Christmas to you to, Scully," though he knew the holidays wouldn't be the same without her. He could only hope she would at least be spending time with her family. The thought that she might be spending time with another man was unthinkable.
As Scully made the short drive to the hospital, her vision blurred with tears. She wasn't prepared for this. Why did the person you love have to be the one who could hurt you the most in the end? You could only take so much before you get tired of your heart being shattered over and over.
Still though, she held on to the small hope that one day, maybe things could be different.
THE END