warnings: mentions of non con, abuse, self harm, eating disorder, super powers, mental illness, touchy subjects in general. venting fanfiction.
You don't like him at first.
Craig Tucker is kind of a dick, he pushes people around and is a bully. You think that throughout kindergarten to fourth grade. You two seldom talk, really. You just see him around, he's kind of dumb. He can't ever come up with good comebacks when confronted. He denies flipping people off, and you question if he really doesn't know. You think he's an idiot. Or at least this is your initial thought of him.
Craig asks you one day if you can help him with a project. You look at his big, creepy, dark eyes. The ones that are so dark that you almost think they're black. You want to say no, but you remember Eric Cartman laughing in your face and telling you that you can't be apart of his news team. Being bitter, you shake hands with Craig and agree to film animals close up with a wide angle lens with him.
You expect to have a lousy time. Expect that maybe Craig will end up killing you at the end of it or something. You're always dying, you can't comprehend why. It's an unexplained mystery that no one but yourself is really aware of. Whenever you bring it up to anyone they laugh and you feel your heart pounding in your ears, your face heating up, tears welling up in your eyes. No one believes you.
The weight of your feet crunches the snow beneath them. You raise your hand to knock on the door of the Tucker residence. Craig answers and he lead you to his backyard where a little orange cat is laying on the back porch. Craig is gingerly holding a camcorder in his hands, and you know it's going to be a long day.
"So what? We're just going to film this dumb cat?" you ask, and Craig ignores you at first as he begins to try to find an angle to film the cat at. Her eyes are closed, and she's purring. You run your hand through her fur.
You see Craig struggling to find a good angle, and you roll your eyes. You've been around the girls too much to know the best angle is from the top. Craig seems like the type of guy to take selfies in that unflattering angle that makes everyone look like they have a double chin.
"just, come on." you say. You go behind Craig and put your hands under his armpits, lifting him to stand. He looks over his shoulder and throws you a nasty look, raising a middle finger. You let out a sigh.
"Just. Everything looks cuter from the top. Trust me, that's why girls look so cute on facebook. Maybe try a wide lens, too. There you go. Like that, Tucker." you say, leading Craig to what would be the beginning of their success.
"Thanks." he mumbles. And you sit down on one of he lawn chairs, watching him. You're the quiet one. You notice more. Kyle has the book smarts, but you analyze everyone and know more about others than people think. You watch how into it Craig gets. The cat opens her eyes and meows at him. When he's done filming her he crouches down to pet her. She springs up and nudges into his hand, purring. You notice the smile adorning his features and you think it's kind of nice. You never see Craig smile. At least not for any reason than someone else's despair. Maybe you don't know him that well.
The night proceeds with the two of you leaving the house to find neighborhood dogs and cats to film. When they're done they go back to the Tucker residence and you film Craig's guinea pig stripes, and call it a night.
The next day you come over again and Craig's done a lot of revision and put it all on tape. You sit down on the floor next to him as he puts the tape in. Craig watches the video with Stripes in his hands, smoothing down her fur. It's weird. You've noticed some things about him yesterday. About how most animals seem to adore him. How he can get a barking dog to be putty. How Craig is so fascinated and in love with these small creatures. You think maybe he appreciates those small lives, and you begin to think maybe he isn't so bad.
The movie comes to a close and you let out a yawn. It's cute, you guess. But you can't imagine this selling.
"Well?" Craig questions. You look at his big brown eyes and you almost feel guilty about what you're about to say, almost.
"It was. Uh. It sucked man, I mean it was cute...but it needs more." you say, muffled through the confines of your parka. Craig seems to understand, though. And he stands, putting Stripes back in his cage that was rested on the couch behind them.
"Like what?" he questions, nasal. You watch as he pulls out a cough drop from his pocket, unraveling the wrapper. He pops it into his mouth and it gives you an idea.
"Have any cough syrup?"
And the rest is history.
The whole thing ends kind of bad, but you both make it out of it alive. And that means a lot to you, considering you're always dying. You and Craig work on Animals Close up for about another month after the whole ordeal, and you discover he's pretty chill. You're not too in risk of death around him, because he's pretty plain, boring. And you like it.
You go back to your old group, but you and Craig are still really good friends. You hang out on the low key, and it's always really safe. You both play with stripes and popcorn, Craig's cat. You watch cartoons, and it's pretty laid back. You meet Craig's sister Ruby, and you introduce her to Karen. They become really good friends. All is safe and well, and when you go on a field trip to some pioneer village you hold each other's hands.
"No, i'm partners with Craig!" Cartman doesn't question it.
All is good until it's not.
A week after you're stuck in peru. You're a bit divided between your main crew and Craig. He acts like you two aren't even friends and groups you in with the other three. You don't really know why it hurts, but it does. He's a lot more sharper tongued than usual and you wonder how long he held these resentments towards you and your friends.
"I fucking hate Craig!" you shout. In the end you all get shipped home, discovering that Craig was apart of some Peruvian prophecy and saving the world. It kind of helps explain why he doesn't look like the rest of his family, You knew why already, remember a conversation you two had once, where Craig mentioned that he had a different father. You don't think much of it at first, but you always wondered if you were adopted or if your mom fooled around with someone else. Your hair is so shockingly bright and looks a little different from the rest of his family. It was kind of comforting, Craig telling him what he did.
The two of you don't talk for a few days after that. You are silently upset but don't let it show. Craig just kind of drops off the face of the planet. You try not to dwell on it. It's whatever. Until you go to drop off Karen at the Tucker residence, and Ruby answers the door.
Ruby and Karen gang up on you, but instead of talking about how you and Craig are supposed to be friends or some dramatic shit, it's more Ruby's concern.
"It's really fucking scary Kenny!" Ruby says, she has her arms folded and her eyes dart to the stairs.
"He won't come out and it's so quiet. Can you check on him?" she questions. You feel kind of guilty because you and your friends kind of dragged Craig into it.
"Uh..." you say, dumb founded. Karen is holding Ruby's hand and you remember the pioneer village.
"Please?" Karen asks, and you can't say no to that. You turn in the direction of the stairs and stomp up them until you're in front of Craig's room. You turn the handle to his door and push in. What you find isn't pretty.
"Woah, man!" you scream out. In front of you is Craig. His back is arched up and little wisps of blue light are pouring from his eyes. They're not the lasers, just some kind of weird light. It curls around Craig's arms and torso. You can see that where the light twists around him that his skin is raw and red, his clothes ripped. You immediately close the distance between the two of you.
"what the fuck what the fuck" You say, quivering and dropping down to your knees to level with him. No words escape from the other males parted lips and you can feel your heart pounding in your ears.
Is he stuck like this? Is this temporary? The aftermath of what happened a few days ago? What the fuck? All these thoughts dart around your mind and you look around in a panic. Trying to find an off switch, something to turn off the lights around Craig. You even try using the light switch in Craig's room to no avail.
"Oh god oh fuck." you say. You don't know what to do, you die all the time but it doesn't mean you're some expert in the super natural. Scared, you grab onto Craig's hands. The light that hits your skin hurts, it's not burning your flesh off, but it can if you're under it too long. You interlace your fingers and let out shallow breaths. You close your eyes and just feel Craig's skin in yours. It's raw and gross. But you don't care. You stand there holding that hand for a long time, until the night falls. Your feet hurt and you want to leave. You don't notice it until hours after, but the lights power starts to dim. And as soon as you're about to let go, you feel him squeeze back.
You look up and Craig blinks. It turns off the lights for a few seconds, before his eyes open again and it instantly begins to curl around him. He closes them one final time and when he opens his eyes, they're off. Coughs escape Craig's lips, his hands reach up to his head.
"Kenny...? what happened?" he asks. And you feel so relieved. You wrap your arms around him and don't say a word.
He pats your back, eventually letting out a hiss at the feeling of his raw skin being touched. You call an ambulance and Craig gets shipped off to the hospital. No one says anything about it because it's South Park and stranger things have happened. But you feel closer to Craig now. You die all the time, and he has this laser thing going on. You don't tell him yet.
You guys maintain your on the lowkey friendship. You have a new girlfriend, and while you talk and know a lot about sex from your brother and dad, you're kind of a loser. After suffering through having a purity ring she gives you a blow job, and you die. Was it worth it? Yes. You always liked the idea of sex, and now you had experience with it. It kind of sucked that you died from it, but it's whatever this time. You'll be more careful.
A week after you come home to your sister face down on her bed. Her hair is ratty and messy, and she's crying. You love your sister. You sit down on the floor next to the mattress in her room.
"Karen?" you ask. She sniffles and you rest a hand on her shoulder.
"They...they hit me again." she says. And you have a sinking feeling in your body. You retreat your hand, not knowing if it's a good idea to touch her.
"Karen..." it's rare that your mother and father hit you and your siblings, they usually just go at each other. However, sometimes in your fathers drunken state he'll swing blindly and end up hitting Kevin or Karen or yourself.
You want to defend them because those are you're parents. They're just not right at this moment. It'll get better. There are moments where you feel their love. This is what you say to yourself all the time. They love you guys. Maybe they do, but you always feel horribly abandoned.
You aren't, you have Karen and Kevin. But when it's just you in your room you stare at the cracks in the ceiling and wish that your mom could braid Karen's hair every morning. You wish that you didn't have to make your own lunch every morning. You wish that when you came home your mom wasn't asleep, that your dad wasn't at the bar. That you didn't have to stay up all night to their yelling.
You're shaking. From fear, but also anger. You kiss Karen good night and tell her you love her. But you then go into your room, and get to work.
You're mysterion, and you save the city. It goes well, you're respected and loved. You die and die and die to save people. It hurts and you're exhausted and you sometimes wish someone would remember. At first you fight crime by yourself. It's all going swimmingly. You go home to Karen and knock some sense into your parents. It's great.
Until fat ass wants to know you're identity. Kyle isn't the first to know, though. You're sitting on Craig's back porch with Popcorn on your lap. He's playing around with his lasers, shooting down a can. You still haven't told him of your deaths, but you want to. You don't know how he'd react.
"Hey Craig?" you say, muffled. Craig looks at you briefly, usual brown eyes a shocking electric blue. They calmly mute back into their dark browns, and you find it oddly fascinating. He's training himself, trying to contain and learn how to use his power. It's weird, it's not like it'll ever come in handy.
"Yeah?" he asks, you look down at popcorn who is a purring, sleeping little ball of orange.
"Have you heard of mysterion?" Craig lets out a scoff at that and in you know him well enough to know that means yes. He's shooting another can down now, and you go on with what you want to say.
"What if I told you I was him?" The lasers shoot back into his head and he automatically grips onto it.
"Fuck ow." Craig says. You give him a few moments until he's looking at you. His eyes are watery and puffy, red.
"Are you joking?" you shake your head, no, not taking your blues off of him. Craig head tilts, looking you over for sign of humor, you guess he's satisfied with what he finds because he he shrugs.
"Ok." he says. It's not some over dramatic, fanatic reaction. You weren't expecting one, Craig hasn't said much about the whole mysterion thing while everyone was ranting and raving anyways. You assumed he didn't care. You throw a rock at one of the cans set up, and Craig shoots down another one.
When your identity is discovered everyone in school is shocked and up your ass. Except Craig.
Coon and friends is Cartmans bright idea. You comply, though. This is when things begin to take a turn for the worse. Before coon and friends rises your deaths were average. But then in one incident you get run over while trying to protect someone—Kyle? And while Stan screams out "Oh my god, you killed Kenny." Kyle yells "you bastards!" You know you'll wake up in your bed and he won't remember and it fucking sucks. It hurt. And he doesn't remember it at all. No one ever does.
It has always hurt, it always fucking sucked. But lately it's starting to dawn on you how...lonely this all is. You try to explain it again to your friends. You try and try and Kyle tells you "It'd be pretty cool."
You snap.
Youf fists are clenched and your face is heated. Your heart is pounding and you feel something inside of you trying to claw it's way out. You shoot yourself and wake up in your bed.
You cry.
You cry and cry until your face fucking burns from it. You take shallow breathes as you stumble your way to the Tucker residence. The gun you used to Kill yourself is in your pocket. It's one of the first times you ever died by your own hands. And you wonder if maybe if in some sick turn of events that if you kept trying you'd succeed.
You wearily lift your hand to the door and knock on the surface. Craig answers and you pull the gun out, letting it drop between you two.
"What if I told you you've seen me die so many fucking times, Craig?" he doesn't respond. He takes your hand in his and leads you to his back yard, sits you down on one of the lawn chairs. Popcorn comes out from the corner and hops on your lap. You look down at her through tear filled eyes. It's quiet, and you feel warmth in your hands. It's not just Craig's body heat, blue light, similar to the one that Kenny saw that one day, is coming from his eyes. They curl around his neck, his torso, his arms, and their hands. It's not stinging this time though, it's comforting. You squeeze Craig's hand.
And you explain.
You tell Craig about how you're cursed. About how you die all the time. About how you've met Satan. You explain hell and heaven in all it's intricate details. You explain your most painful deaths. How you killed yourself. You cry through all of it.
He listens, sucks it all up. And you feel relieved. You feel so warm, and that light never sucks up back into Craig's eyes. You feel so much less alone, less scared. You stop crying. You finish, and his thumb is running circles into your hand.
You look at him, but he's not looking at you, his eyes are up at the clouds. You look up with him.
"I believe you." he says. Snow begins to come down and Popcorn lets out a loud meow. The white puffs begin to hit the surface of their warm faces. The light pouring from Craig is just that, light, no heat. It's a trick he's learned.
He looks at you now and you looks at him. You stare into those crazy, electric blue eyes.
"I mean...there are lasers. Coming from my eyes. It's a crazy world. Why shouldn't I believe that?" there is a pause and he grins, ugly, crooked teeth.
"Plus, things are always blurry. Like the time we saw Red Racer, the live action movie. The parts after the blue racer shows up is so...black" and you scoff at that, because you accidentally choked on a popcorn kernel and died.
The two of you go back inside and the lights turn off in Craig's eyes. You follow Craig up to his room and watch Terrance and Phillip.
After the events of the Coon and friends, you puts his costume in retirement for awhile.
Things go pretty ok after that, some silly, crazy things happen. There is a chart of the boys penis' sizes, a few rumors spread, some drama with Stan. But then things kind of turn sour for a little bit.
You're watching tv with your brothers and sisters. Mom and dad are fighting, we're just trying to drown out the sound of it. It's normal, as normal as it gets in this household. Until you see your house on the tv. It all quickly spirals down hill. You, Karen and Kevin are put in foster care. It's scary and again you feel that weird, lonely feeling. You hold onto Karen and she cries into your arms.
Your foster parents are nice. But you wish that you're parents could just straighten up.
The kids at your new school pick on Karen and you bring out the mysterion outfit again. You protect her, you make sure she will be ok. No one fucks with the Mccormicks. You're her guardian angel, and you even ensure that Kevin doesn't get made fun of. He's always been a bit slower with his speech, which is not his fault. But it causes him to be a victim of bullying.
You keep in touch with Kyle and Stan. But you lay in bed and you feel horrible. You blink and tears escape your eyes and roll down your cheeks. You've been angry, you've been scared and you've even been sad. But nothing like this. It's a deep, in your bones sadness. You miss Craig's light.
Eventually you find yourself back in South Park. But some weird damage is done.
A month or two later things continue on. You discover that you like dressing up as a princess, there is a new game you and your friends play, other things happen. A new principle comes along, things in the town change, they're building fancy restaurants by your house. You have a job at City Wok that you can buy Karen nice things with.
She smiles so wide. And that gives you some hope for her.
Your smile falters, when a few days later, Tweek enters your life.
You have nothing against Tweek.
You just don't like him with Craig.
It's rumored that he and Craig are a couple and you don't know why it makes you look at the ground and make your face heat up. The other guys know you two are kind of friends but they don't know how close you are so they don't think there is anything going on between you two. You don't think so either, you're just friends. And Craig sometimes says stuff like how he's going to get all the chicks. And you roll your eyes because he's such a dork.
You try not to think anything of it, that is until it's confirmed and they hold hands and shit. You two haven't really spent too much time together recently. After you came home from foster care he did hold you for a few hours, Craig's light wrapping you up in warmth. But you didn't know if Craig and Tweek are a couple. And you guess you feel bad because you think you should have. But now it's confirmed.
You stand in front of his door and you feel weird. Like you're out of breathe, you feel sick. But you raise your hand to knock and it's Thomas, Craig's dad who answers. He's always liked you and he lets you in. Craig is playing video games with Tweek and you sit next to Craig and pick up the third player remote.
"Why didn't you tell me you guys were going out?" It's not like Tweek would know how close they were. He probably is confused as to why you're here. You want to push him off the couch so it's just you and Craig. You doubt he really even knows Craig that well. But you control yourself.
"We're not." Craig says, he pauses his game. You look at him and Tweek continues smashing some poor kid into the ground.
"it's all fake...we're really good friends now...but. We don't feel that way about each other. We just saw how sad it was making everyone." you feel odd about that. When does Craig ever care what anyone thinks? You feel like there is more to it, but you feel uncomfortable talking in front of Tweek.
The three of you awkwardly play your game and when Tweek leaves it's just you and him.
"So, since when does the almighty Craig Tucker care what the town thinks?" Craig throws his game controller to the ground, letting out a sigh. He stands and makes his way to his room.
"I mean Tweek's cool." you lie. You hate him. You don't even know why, but you do.
"But you're not the type of person i'd ever think would pretend to like someone for reputation." you follow him up the stairs, your face is red and your fist is clenched. But you're containing it. Your breathing is shallow.
"That's not the Craig I know." and he's pulling the covers over his frame and your sick of being ignored, you yank them off.
"I felt alone, ok?" he admits, you can tell he's trying to keep himself composed but it sounds broken. Fuck, what is this shit. You guys are kids. You're not even sure what he means by that. You're not even sure of what you feel half of the time.
"My dad told me he liked the gay me." he's sitting up and his eyes are turning into that electric blue, the lights are pouring from his eyes as if it's a substitute for tears.
"We just. We don't say shit like that. He meant it. He liked the gay me. I always feel alone. I felt less so. I felt connected when he said that." the lights turn off and those big eyes are shielded.
"Please leave." Craig demands. And you do.
You want to say that's crazy and you think Craig is full of shit.
But you get it more than anything.