Legal Disclaimer: I own my stuff, but not the original source material. That belongs to whoever. Also, the opinions and interpretations I use here may not reflect the same in said whoever that owns the source material. Look, I'm just a poor college librarian. Suing me isn't going to get you anything but tears.
Warning: This work may be offensive to some readers. Feel free to back out if that's you. This fic also contains a lot of blatant references and implications for child abuse, manipulation/gaslighting, rape, and threats of violence. It also references acephobia, both external (pre-fic) and internal, along with several spikes of anxiety from the narrator.
Author's Note: [scrubs a hand over their face] Okay. So I have a lot that I should probably warn y'all about this time. The simplest is that both Harry & Luna are (as always in my fics) autistic. You can pry that interpretation of canon out of my cold, dead hands. Next up is that relationships are freaking hard to figure out when you're autistic (even if you aren't aware of that fact) and have been abused. Adding asexuality (in any form) to the mix just makes an already complicated situation even messier. I'm sure that no one (other than the Dursleys) set out to be cruel to Harry. Unfortunately, even the most supportive of people can still mess up. I've had people that I have stood arm in arm with at a rally for GSRM rights/protections turn around and tell me that I'm not really queer because I'm ace. And in an already confusing society that seems obsessed with sex, sometimes the lesson that you're allowed to say no, even to an intimate partner, can get lost. Sex without consent is not truly sex; it's another beast entirely. That is also a hard concept for a lot of people to wrap their heads around, even if they don't have any other issues.
Submitting Info:
Stacked with: Hogwarts (Term 10); MC4A (FPC; BAON; Star; Fence; T3; SN; Shipping War)
Individual Challenges: Yellow Ribbon (Y); Yellow Ribbon Redux; Ravenclaw MC; Gryffindor MC; Sett to Destroy; Advice from the Mug; Short Jog (Y)
House: Hufflepuff
Assignment No.: Term 10 – Assignment 8
Subject (Task No.): Sociology (Task #3: Write about someone discovering their sexuality.)
Other Hogwarts Challenges: Auction [19.4] (Demisexual); Gym [] (FDR quotation); Pinata [Medium] (Friendship); Insane Prompt Challenge [929] (Relieved);
Representation(s): Autistic Harry Potter; Autistic Luna Lovegood; Child Abuse
Bonus Challenges: Found Family; Nontraditional; Zucchini Bread; Sneeze Weasel; Fizzy Lemonade; Machismo; Second Verse (Ladylike; Not a Lamp; Persistence Still); Chorus (Pear-Shaped; Pocky Pockets; Wabi Sabi)
Tertiary Bonus Challenges: T3 (Tether); SN (Rail; Negate)
Word Count: 2042
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Perfectly Normal
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Harry looked at Luna with wide eyes, still shocked by what the blonde had said. After all the things that Luna had said over the years, he had honestly believed that nothing would have surprised him. Yet Luna had managed it, and about a topic that Harry would have never imagined her knowing anything about, let alone knowing more than Hermione.
"I—wha'?"
"The feelings that you're describing are normal," Luna repeated. Harry felt absurdly grateful that she had let her tone go flat and floaty instead of trying to control it like she tended to do around their other friends. That helped ease the panic that was making his heart pound. Even the way that Luna had continued fixing tea, her actions matching the nonchalance of her words, allowed him the space needed to remind himself that there was still air in the room.
He had confessed about his freakish lack of attraction because he and Hermione had already exhausted any attempts to fix it on their own and Luna had been the last possibility before Harry had to resort to asking a medi-wix to examine him. It wouldn't even have been a problem if it wasn't for Ginny getting upset about him not taking an interest in her like he was supposed to. Upsetting Ginny meant upsetting all of her brothers, most of whom had already made it clear that no one would ever be good enough for their baby sister. Only Ron had been accepting of Harry's sudden relationship with Ginny, though Harry wasn't sure what to make of Charlie's continued silence on the topic.
Yet Luna hadn't reacted like Harry expected. Even for Luna, the reaction was strange. He had expected her to know of some obscure curse or spell that would make someone not be interested in sex, not even with their girlfriends. Or maybe it was an extremely rare allergy to pumpkin juice or the magic that the house elves used to transfer the food from the kitchens to the Great Hall. He hadn't expected her to just say that it was normal and leave it at that.
"But I'm not feeling anything!" Harry protested once the shock had worn off a bit more, once he felt less like his heart was going to burst from his chest or that he was bracing for a blow that wasn't actually coming. "That's the whole problem!"
"Do you not feel anything?" Luna questioned as she placed the knobby mug she kept around the Rookery just for him. It had been one of her first attempts at creating her own pottery and that inexperienced showed in its lopsided shape and random bumps. Harry loved it, especially the unevenness in the purple glaze she had used. "Or do you not feel anything for Ginny?"
"That's not the point," Harry said, suddenly feeling tired. "Ginny's my girlfriend."
"Yes, I remember," Luna agreed readily. She sat down with her own clunky mug. Hers was an impossible shade of orange that bled into an even brighter shade of yellow in places. She took a sip, licking extra tea from her pale lips afterwards. Harry dropped his gaze to the table between, ashamed of having watched for too long. "Still doesn't answer my question."
"Ginny loves me," Harry explained. His hands tightened around his mug. The bumps dug into his palms with enough pressure that he didn't need to rub his fingers over them instead. Luna wouldn't have minded, he knew, but he needed to appear as normal as possible for this conversation. "She has for years, even while we were broken during the war."
He could already hear the voices of the Dursleys in his head, reminding him of how much of a freak he was. He had been trying to deny that he was abnormal in this, too. He had been hoping that Hermione had been right when she had assured him that it was fixable. But those hopes had died when nothing seemed to be working, and now Luna didn't even seem to understand that there even was a problem to be fixed.
Luna touched two fingers to the back of his hand, not demanding anything more, just letting him know that she was there.
"That doesn't create an obligation for you to return those feelings," she whispered. Startled, he snapped his head upwards, accidentally meeting her wide gray eyes. Even across the table, he could see the streaks of heather in them, the ones that had made him realize how much he had adored the flower in the first place. Something squirmed low in his stomach, uncomfortably heavy like he should visit the bathroom. Luna blinked at him, extra slow just like a contented cat. "It's okay to not return her love."
"I care for Ginny," Harry said, feeling something tighten inside of him. "I like her a lot. She's an awesome Seeker and wicked fast with her wand."
"But do you like her as a friend," Luna said gently, "or like a partner?"
Once again, Harry's mind went blank, unable to process the concept being presented. As it thawed from its freeze, he couldn't help comparing how he felt for Ginny to how he felt for his other friends. In the end, he had to conclude that, yes, he did feel the same way about Ginny that he felt about Hermione or Ron. Even his feelings for Neville were similar.
The only problem with the equation was, well, the woman sitting in front of him. Luna was probably his best friend, especially since Ron and Hermione had gotten together after the war and had less inclination to hang out with Harry. He loved Luna the same way that he loved all his friends. At the same time, Harry had never felt the urge to watch any of his other friends drink tea. He didn't want to play with anyone else's hair, even though Ginny would probably like it if he did.
But Ginny was his girlfriend, and threats aside, that made a lot of people happy.
Luna tapped her fingers twice in rapid succession, drawing his attention back to her. She had the strange expression she got whenever she was trying to make her face look a certain way, and that hurt more than a little bit, like she suddenly didn't trust him. Or like she suddenly realized what the Dursleys had always known about him. He felt a sharp pain in his chest at the thought. A familiar squeezing feeling in his throat accompanied it.
"Harry," Luna said, her voice matter-of-fact for all of its flatness, "it's okay to not feel sexual attraction, even for someone you care about like a partner. It's perfectly normal. It's okay to feel sexual attraction on occasion but not always, or to feel it only for specific people. It's okay to not want to participate in sexual activities, either wholly or just certain ones, even if you're with someone who does want to participate in them."
"Ginny loves me," Harry repeated. He stared into her eyes, willing her to understand. Her eyes widened slightly like she had realized something, even though Harry got the feeling from the way the gray in them turned dark and sharp that it wasn't what he was trying to actually convey.
"Other people's feelings do not create an obligation to return them," she repeated in return. Her voice sounded angry but present, not like it was coming from a long tunnel for once. "Love does not create consent, nor does it negate being uncomfortable or simply not wanting to do something. You're allowed to say no to anything and expect that boundary to be respected."
"Even if I can't explain why?"
"No is a complete sentence," Luna stated, "so, yes, even if you can't explain why you don't want to do something."
"But Ginny is my girlfriend," Harry tried. The growing confusion was making his head hurt in ways that even all attempts at learning medi-spells and counter curses with Hermione hadn't been able to achieve. "I've got a duty to—"
"No one," Luna interrupted and there was no mistaking her anger now. She was practically incandescent with it. Harry dropped his gaze back to his mug and hunched his shoulders. He couldn't remember Luna ever getting angry over anything. He had no way of predicting what to expect or what he needed to do to soothe it. He didn't even understand why she was suddenly so angry in the first place. "You have a duty to no one, especially not in your love life. No is a complete sentence, and ignoring any indication of someone saying no is unjustifiably wrong."
"I'm just sick," Harry whispered, not wanting to appear like he was arguing. Aunt Petunia had always hated it when he had said anything that countered what she had just said, and she was most vicious then. He felt a tremble go through his limbs at the realization that Luna was a very good duelist, even better than Hermione and Ginny. His stomach twisted threateningly. "Hermione said it was fixable, we just have to find the right thing."
There was a moment of silence. Then Luna took a deep breath that she let out in a very loud sigh. The next breath she exhaled more slowly. She repeated the action, over and over, and with each repetition, Harry could feel the tension in the room lessen just a bit more.
"You can't fix this," she said finally. "This isn't something to be fixed. As extraordinary as you are in so many things, Harry Potter, you have finally managed to be completely normal." He dared to raise his gaze to her face. She smiled at him, bright and honest like she wasn't trying to make it look right. "Congratulations. I pronounce you queer."
"But I don't like blokes," Harry said, dazed at the relief that was starting to trickle into his mind. He blushed when he realized what he had just said and how blatantly untrue it was, given how many times he had admired Cedric, Viktor, and Bill after spending more time with them. He would certainly have enjoyed playing with any of their hair. "At least, not like that."
"Some are very pretty," Luna said as if they had been having a very different conversation. Or maybe she had read his thoughts on his face, in that way that she was so good at. "But there are more ways of being queer than being gay. Not feeling sexual attraction or feeling it only conditionally is called asexuality. The specific kind that I believe you are is called demisexuality. It's where the condition is an emotional bond of some sort. The kind of emotional bond depends on the individuals involved as does the length of time it takes to form. Sound familiar?"
Harry nodded numbly. The choking feeling had returned, like a lump was caught in his throat. His eyes burned as Luna's face blurred. Not even the embarrassment he felt making his face flush could stop the flood of tears streaming down his cheeks.
Luna abandoned her tea to round the table to get closer. With gentle force, she took his mug from his hands to set it aside. Then she hopped onto the table in front of him, legs straddling his chair, and pulled his head against her stomach. With the same dedication he had seen her apply to petting Crookshanks while visiting Hermione, Luna ran her fingers through his hair. Not once did she mutter even a word to the effect of stop crying.
He really could have kissed her for that alone.
"There's a word," he explained into her shirt. He owed her that much, at the very least. "There's a word for it and that means—" He hiccupped hard. The lump refused to let any other words escape.
"I know, Harry," Luna soothed. "A word would only exist if there was enough cause for it to. For the word to exist, there has to be enough people who need it to describe themselves. You're not alone. You're not broken."
Harry nodded.
For the first time in a very long time, that felt like it was one hundred percent true.