Bold is the voice of the Author.

Italics are voldemort.

Underscored Italics are Ronald Weasley.

Tom Marvolo Riddle, better known then as Lord Voldemort...

Ahem, the full Acronym is "I Am Lord Voldemort.

Yeah, I know that, but that's pretty stupid. Who uses "I Am" as part of their name?

-Shrug- Ask Rowling. What else am I supposed to do with the three extra letters?

Beats me. Anyway, we're getting off topic, here.

Sorry. Do continue.

Thank you.

Better known then as I Am Lord Voldemort...

Smart arse...

Awoke for the day. He rolled over and opened his eyes, smiling briefly...

I do not smile. Ever. Well, there was that time in Boca Raton, but that's not really cannon, is it?

You've smiled in cannon. Shut up and go with it.

Whatever.

His eyes lit on the grinning face of...

Wait, wait, wait. Who is in the bed with me? I Am...I mean...Lord Voldemort does not share a bed!

Harry Potter,

...What?

Who's green eyes had been surveying the Dark Lord for some time now.

No. Wait. Seriously. What?

Harry gave a coy smile. "Morning Tom," he said, his lipid green orbs dancing with the early morning light.

Hold on, hold on, HOLD ON! What the bloody hell is Harry F*****G Potter doing in MY bed, SMILING at me, and calling me by my FIRST NAME? And seriously, purple prose? Who are you, Stepheny Meyer?

Low blow, man. Low blow. I think you just insulted a bunch of the readers, to.

What the Twilight/Harry Potter fans and Crossers? They don't feel like real humans do.

You're a d**k. You know that right?

Duh. Now, like I asked before, why is HARRY POTTER in my bed? In fact, why is he even within a mile of me? Wait. ... This is one of those stories, isn't it... You're a sick, sick man.

Eh, I just with what sells, Voldie.

Don't call me that. Pervert.

It's not like I enjoy it anymore than you do. My fan base needs some more people, and what better way than to toss in a nice slash.

Wait, isn't A Different Take going to-

SHUT UP. RIGHT NOW.

Touchy much?

Eat me. You've got some Harry Potter to fondle.

Sorry, but no. Not happening.

Perhaps this would be better?

Lord Voldemort reached out to place his hand on the shoulder of the one before him, who's flaming red hair was visible above the covers.

Red hair? Wait, who was that? One second, I need to go bad and reread some of the books. -Stomps off to do just that.-

Ron Weasley rolled over at the touch and smiled.

Ron Weasley? Isn't he, like, I dunno, a tertiary character? What's he doing here? I don't think we have ever been mentioned in the same scene together. Not even in passing.

I'm just glad I'm not being turned into the arsehole for once. That was sh***y of you, by the way. I was Harry's best friend.

You write a convincing Slytherin!Harry fic without an arsehole Ron. It doesn't work. It's either Arsehole-Malfoy Expy or simpering suck up.

Alright, fine, whatever.

Where's my say in this?

You think you get 'say'? Who have you been working with?

Better authors than you...

My Immortal.

F**k you. I was drunk.

You gave Raven What'sits a GUN.

Really, really, really drunk. Either way, you want this kinda thing, go shop a picture of Daniel Radcliffe from that scene in Equus. I'm not doing this.

Ok, so we're doing this the hard way...

Hard way?

As Voldemort awoke, the first thing he realized was that he could not move in any direction. His arms were bound tightly, as were his legs.

What the F**K?

You brought this on yourself.

Above him stood none other than his most faithful servant. Bellatrix LeStrange held a riding crop in one hand, smacking it into the palm of the other. She looked down on the Dark Lord with glee.

At least it's a girl...But BDSM? What Demographic are you going for here? The highly coveted Masochist/Closet Gay group?

Shut up, or I'll put a pony in the scene.

You've got to much free time...

And you're about to get raped by a horse.

Shutting up.

Throughout the mansion, Voldemort's screams could be heard. Of pain or pleasure, no one could never be sure.

Wait, that's it? All this build up to a steamy sex scene and you turn it into a Lime?

Is that disappointment I detect?

No.

That's what I thought. And I'm not going to ruin my reputation if I can help it. Your remark back there is going to cost me in readers, you know.

Oh please. You realized ADT has nearly over 200 Reviews. If, like, a tenth of the readers review, that means you've got something like 2000 readers world wide. Get off the pity potty. Why are you writing this anyway?

Because I'm bored, and I've got the Writer's Block on ADT. Maybe I shouldn't have said that...

Haha, writers block? On a CLIFFIE? Oh dude, you are sooo f****d.

Well, not, like, BAD writer's block, but I just can't find the motivation to try and sort out my ideas...

So, what you're saying is, is that this whole thing is basically a way of telling your readers that ADT might not update for awhile, namely until you get used to working an actual job for once (You lazy f**k) and get your rear in gear and start writing again.

Yeah, but, like, a week, tops. Of course, when I do finally update, this message will be meaningless.

So why even post?

Because I think it's funny. If they don't like it, tough t*****s.

You're being really vulgar, you know.

Yeah, and I'm going to lose more readers for working blue, but what are you going to do?

I dunno, you could, you know, go back and bleep out the curse words.

Yeah, but then there's the whole paradox thing where becasue I do, then you have no reason to say it later, and so I hve no reason to go back and bleep them and so forth and so on.

But you're the AUTHOR. Does it matter what you take out and leave in?

I prefer working within the confines of semi-realism.

You're arguing with a fictional character.

Good point. Ok, I'll go back nd bleep everything out.

...

Better?

Abso-f*****g-lutely.

Hah, thought you could get one by me?

Not really. Why are we still talking? This post is getting out of hand. Like, waaaay out of hand.

Good point. Let me just wrap this up...

AN: So, there you have it. My boredom unveiled. I'm working as hard as I can on getting that next chapter up, I really am, just give me a few more days and I'll put it up. As for this being a hodgepodge post, I had the original idea, then it just kind of mutated out of control. Oh well. Hope it's funny, anyway.

Very nice. What a good cop out...

Get out of here, this is for the Author only.

Ba-hahahaha. Later, floppy-wanded Dementor-buggerer.

Potter Puppet Pals is going to sue the pants off me. Thanks.