I wrote this while watching my roommates celebrate the independence of our glorious nation by blowing up a small part of it. I had to talk them out of doing so many dangerous things with bottle rockets that I'm amazed they survived this long before I moved in. There was a literal "Hold my beer!" moment at one point.
Also there were a lot of transitions in this fic, so I got creative and added a little bonus in between each one. They were for another fic that got scrapped and I decided to salvage and reuse them because they made me laugh.
It had been a while since the Tempest crew had a real break, and even though Scott still had about 500 more days left until his next vacation, he said "Screw it!" and located the nearest habitable moon that he could find. Found orbiting around a gas giant, it had a breathable, oxygen-based atmosphere and mainly insect, plant, and microbe-based wildlife. It would do.
"If anyone asks, we're pathfinding it," he insisted to the crew members. "Just leave out the part where we're pathfinding it with beer..."
"We might want to make sure our vacation photos don't end up in the official report to Tann again this time, right guys?" Cora said before eyeing a warning in Peebee and Gil's direction.
"Hey, Kandros thought they were funny at least," Gil shrugged.
No one was sure where Vetra got the folding chair in midnight purple or for how long she was holding onto it, but she was clearly prepared for this day for a long time. No sooner had the Tempest touched down on the surface of the temperate moon than she grabbed an already packed bag containing everything she needed from a book to a bottle of water and dragged the chair outside into a nice shady spot below some vine-like growth that superficially resembled a tree.
"You settled in fast," Suvi said as she spread a blanket out on top of a soft algal mat next to her.
"Three weeks trapped in a can with Peebee listening to experimental elcor metal. If I don't get out now, there are going to be bodies in the trash compactors," she replied as she propped her feet up on her bag.
"In all my years of existence I never thought I'd ever hear the term 'experimental elcor metal'," Cora added as she joined them.
"I don't think the elcor thought they'd ever hear the term 'experimental elcor metal'!" Vetra replied.
Peebee ran by on her way down to flip rocks in a creek. "Hey, just listening to the music of my ancestors. It's not my fault Dad didn't have very good taste in music."
The relative peace and serenity of the scenario only lasted so long before they heard a loud crash of metal on metal. Evidently someone had asked Drack to carry a metal box containing who knew what and he was now kicking it down the ramp of the Tempest.
"Do you mind? I'm trying to sleep!" Kallo shouted at them from where he napped on the blanket next to Suvi.
"Oh sorry. I'll sing you a lullaby," he offered.
Vetra jumped when Scott pulled back on her chair, catching her by surprise. "You sure you don't want to come with us, hun?" he asked.
She shook her head. "You and the guys can go burn down a small, primitive vine forest if you want. I think I'll just stay under here and read my book, thank you."
"Cool. She gave us permission to burn it down, guys!" Scott shouted to the others. Vetra wondered if she should be worried when Liam flicked open a cigarette lighter as though a warning.
Once they'd left, it felt deceptively peaceful. The only sound was the running of the creek and occasional splashing as Peebee flipped rocks over, hoping to collect samples of early amphibious life. Vetra had a hard time concentrating on her book as a nagging feeling kept creeping up on her.
"What do you want to bet the boys are doing something incredibly stupid right now?" she asked.
"Someone should tell them I'm off duty before they injure themselves," Lexi added.
From the Tempest Infoboard- Lost and Found: One Sneaker
Whoever left their size 8 men's sneaker in the microwave can come pick it up from my stuff at anytime. -KALLO
Why was there a sneaker in the microwave? -CORA
Oh, I was wondering where I left that! -SCOTT
That still doesn't answer why there was a sneaker in the microwave! -CORA
My feet were cold. -SCOTT
There was a lovely clearing in the middle of the forest that was perfect for a makeshift camping trip. Scott dropped the cooler right in the middle of it and used it as a seat while he waited for the others to catch up.
Jaal was the first one to come out behind him. He dropped the tactical bag that they had filled with snacks next to the cooler. "I do not understand the appeal of this 'camping' thing. You basically live in the dirt willingly rather than as a combat necessity?"
"There's more to it than that. Camping has a long, proud tradition of getting lost in the middle of the woods with your closest friends and then coping with that by getting drunk, starting fights, and setting things on fire," Scott explained.
"Oh. That sounds so much more appealing," Jaal replied dryly.
"Hey guys, check out what I found some smuggler selling back on Kadara!" Liam said before dropping a box of illegal fireworks on the ground.
Scott started digging through it and was amazed at how much someone managed to hide in with their allotted carry-ons. "Holy shit, how much is in there?"
"Enough that if we toss a lighter in there, I bet the resulting explosion could probably knock Havarl from orbit."
"I guess today is the day we learn which of us is a pyromaniac," Scott shrugged.
"I have an idea! Let's go get a PVC pipe and stuff it full of as many bottle rockets as we can fit!" Gil suggested.
"My money's on Gil," Drack chimed in.
Jaal eyed the box of explosives suspiciously. "Are you sure we should be doing that? That sounds a little dangerous."
"Nah, I've done it a bunch of times, and I survived just fine, right?" Drack insisted.
Scott dropped a cherry bomb back into the box. "Well hell, if Drack's insisting then it must be safe!"
"I'll go get the pipe!" Gil shouted before running off towards the Tempest.
From the Tempest Infoboard- Please use your real names, people
Whatever you guys want people to call you in private behind closed doors is perfectly fine by me, but if whomever keeps signing their forms as "Shambamalicious" could please use their real name in the future, it would make my job a lot easier. Thanks! -CORA
Oh sorry, I didn't realize anyone actually read those. Fixed them for you. -PEEBEE
Do I even have to ask who "Not Shambamalicious" is? -CORA
The girls watched Gil run by onto the Tempest. Their eyes followed him once more as he left carrying what looked like a piece of plastic piping and a twelve pack of beer and ran back into the forest. Vetra and Lexi both exchanged a worried look.
"Are you alright there, Cora?" Suvi asked.
"I sense a disturbance in the force..." she replied.
Vetra dropped her book beside her in the dirt. "That's it. I'm checking on them."
"Bring me back a beer!" Peebee shouted from the creek.
From the Tempest Infoboard- Peebee's Word of the Day
Since Jaal has been sharing some angaran words with you guys, I thought today I'd share my own word of the week.
Hardass (n): One who likes to stifle the fun out of everything. See also, "Vetra". -PEEBEE
We are not trading half our food rations for a Slip 'N Slide for the hallway, Peebee! -VETRA
Vetra jumped at an unexpected explosion the second she emerged from the forest into the clearing. "Scott, what the hell are you doing?" she demanded.
"We started our own space program!" Scott replied excitedly.
She looked at the illegal fireworks in a pile on the ground beside him, which were disturbingly close to the roaring fire pit they'd made. "You're duct taping dolls to bottle rockets," she pointed out.
"And the Ryder Aeronautics and Spaceflight Initiative will forever remember the brave contributions that Princess Sally and Sissy Speaks-Too-Much made for science," he nodded.
"I thought we were calling it the Kosta Aeronautics and Spaceflight Initiative?" Liam asked.
"Nope. I called it first."
"I gave you the pipe, what do I get?" Gil asked.
"You get your name on the extended list of generous donors who will forever be spammed with emails begging for more donations."
Gil nodded. "I'll accept that."
"Wait, why do you have a PVC pipe?" Vetra asked suspiciously.
"Babe, it's probably advisable in this stage of our relationship that you don't ask that," Scott replied.
"So help me Scott Ryder, if any of you blows a limb off..."
"I'm sure Drack's got some extras lying around," Scott replied. She glared at him with enough intensity to melt glass. "Relax, I'm only joking!" he said in an effort to placate her. "We're being careful. No one's going to get hurt."
Once he finished attempting to reassure her, Drack shouted, "Pineapple!" and chucked a small explosive at Jaal like a hand grenade, the angaran shrieking from the impact. Vetra looked unimpressed, even as Scott smiled at her with false reassurance.
She started to turn around and leave when she saw the twelve pack that Gil had retrieved and grabbed a beer. "Peebee wanted this..." she mumbled on her way back.
From the Tempest Infoboard- I'm bored
Someone tell me a joke. The more off color, the better. -DRACK
Two cannibals are eating dinner. One says to the other, "Your wife makes a great roast!" The other says, "Thanks! I'll miss her!" -PEEBEE
What do vorcha use as birth control? Themselves! -VETRA
What's the difference between a fetus and a gerbil? I've never eaten a gerbil. -SCOTT
If a volus and a krogan get into two separate cars headed towards the same destination, who gets there first? Neither. Krogan can't see far enough ahead of them to drive and volus are too short to reach the pedals. -GIL
You all seriously need to find Jesus. -LIAM
Vetra shoved the can of beer into Peebee's hands and sat back down in her chair, immediately burying her face back in her book. The others watched her suspiciously, noting the tension and her silence as an ominous warning as to what she might have walked in on.
"What's the matter? Were they sacrificing each other to a sun god in the woods?" Peebee asked.
"Remember on our last vacation when Drack drank a gallon of ryncol and tried to blow up 'Bigfoot' on Kadara with a glass dry ice bomb?" she asked.
"Don't remind me. I'm still pulling glass shards out of his ass," Lexi replied.
"Well get ready to do it again because apparently they're trying to outdo him."
"...they're what?"
There was a loud boom powerful enough to shake the ground. Kallo sat up, having been awoken from his nap and looked around on high alert as though expecting a random kett attack.
Cora sighed and stood up. "I'm going to go make sure they didn't just blow someone up," she said before heading off towards the woods.
From the Tempest Infoboard- Container in the fridge
What is that thing in the opaque container in the back of the freezer labeled "dead turtle"? -JAAL
Let me correct that sentence for you: Why is there an opaque container in the back of the freezer labeled "dead turtle"? -CORA
His name was Flipper. -SUVI
Flipper was delicious. -DRACK
You didn't… -SUVI
Dirt and debris rained from the sky like an Eos dust storm and the air smelled of burnt gunpowder. "Wow you were right, that one totally was dynamite," Scott said from behind a makeshift blast shield.
"Told ya," Liam replied.
"I still don't think this is something a smart person should be doing," Jaal added.
They turned their heads at the sound of someone emerging from the forest once again. Scott was a little relieved that it wasn't his girlfriend here to scream at him some more this time, but Cora looked just as displeased with them as Vetra had.
"What the hell are you doing?!" she shouted at them.
"We made a hole!" Gil said proudly.
Cora looked at the massive crater in the ground. Black scorch marks surrounded the crater and displayed a violent path of trajectory that extended outwards from the blast site. "You certainly did," she agreed.
"Well when we got here we thought this was such a lovely place, how can we improve it?" Drack explained. "So then we thought we'd install a pool."
Cora opened her mouth to say something, but words couldn't be formed that could accurately describe just how stupid she thought this was. Instead she pointed at Drack and said, "Lexi told me to tell you if you make anymore dry ice bombs, she's going to biotically flay you alive."
He popped open another can of beer and proudly exclaimed, "Challenge accepted!"
Cora sighed and wordlessly turned around, disappearing back into the forest from whence she came.
"Something tells me she isn't too happy with us either," Liam pointed out.
From the Tempest Infoboard- Books from the Milky Way
I see that Cora likes to read a lot. What kind of books are popular in the Milky Way? -JAAL
There's this so-called romance novel about bloodsucking fairies that sparkle in the daylight that's always been popular for some reason. I tried to read it once but it was so bad I think it gave my dog cancer. -LIAM
Don't tell my sister that. She goes nuts for those novels for some reason. -SCOTT
Still a better love story than Fleet and Flotilla. -DRACK
Anyone remember those Dick and Jane books they used to make us read when we were little? -GIL
Look Jane. See Spot. See Spot run. -CORA
SPOT'S A VAMPIRE! RUN, DICK, RUN! -SCOTT
Is that a children's book? I think I'm a little concerned about what kind of merits it has as a learning tool. -JAAL
By the time Cora returned from her trek to visit the Village of Idiots, Suvi was returning from the Tempest with a tray of smoothies she'd made. "Here, I made you one!" she said as she handed Cora a glass.
"Do we have anything stronger?" she asked. "Like Everclear?"
"What were they doing this time?" Lexi asked with concern.
"They added a new canyon to the side of the moon," she replied.
"I'm genuinely concerned that you might not have been exaggerating just now," Vetra stated.
"Maybe someone should go monitor them to make sure no one gets hurt," Kallo suggested.
"And put myself within blast range?" Vetra asked. "If my boyfriend wants to shorten this moon's day and night cycle with explosives, I don't want any part of it!" She put her book down and noticed that someone was missing. "Suvi, was Peebee in the Tempest when you were in there?" she asked.
"No," Suvi replied. "Last I saw, she was poking a salamander."
"Who's turn is it to go?" Cora asked.
"Not it," Vetra said.
"Not it," Suvi added.
Kallo started snoring, though it was debatable if he really fell asleep that fast or if he was just pretending.
Lexi sighed. "I'll be back," she said under her breath.
From the Tempest Infoboard- Just in case I die
Okay so when I die, this is what I want you guys to do for my funeral. I want you to arrange some chairs in a circle surrounding a table in the center. All of my friends will sit in this circle and then my enemies will sit at the table. Wait an hour and then when everyone starts to wonder where my body is, someone will hit a button, some high tempo club music will start playing, and the ceiling above the table will open up and then balloons and confetti and my cold, lifeless body will rain down on my enemies from above. -SCOTT
If any of you are concerned about Ryder's post, I just spoke to him and I think he's drunk. Something about drinking a leprechaun. -CORA
Never mind. Vetra says she refuses to show up if we do that. -SCOTT
Evidently Drack wasn't joking because in the time since Cora had left, the guys had lined the crater with a tarp and filled it with water from the creek, turning it into a makeshift swimming pool. Scott looked at the spot next to the pool thoughtfully.
"We should blow another hole in the ground right there and fill it full of ice for the beer that doesn't fit in the cooler," he pointed out.
"Why not? I've always wanted to win a Darwin Award!" Gil agreed.
Scott was about to get out when he noticed that Peebee was standing there holding a salamander-looking thing. "You coming here to yell at us too?" he asked.
"Of course I'm gonna yell at you! You guys made a pool and didn't tell me?!" she exclaimed. "Move over!" She charged them and hopped down in between Drack and Liam. "Also look at the tusks on this thing! I think it uses them to eat aquatic roots!"
"That's cute, Peebee," Gil replied, pushing it out of his face.
She dropped the amphibian, which immediately tried to swim into Liam's pants. "Hey, you guys got a shotgun? I have an idea!"
From the Tempest Infoboard- RE: Just in case I die
So I read Ryder's last post and I decided that if I somehow choke to death on a peanut or something on this journey, I want you guys to dress me like a mime and give me a backpack with a ruler, six rolls of duct tape, a pocketbook of batarian conspiracy theories, and a socket wrench, and then fire my corpse into orbit around a gas giant. I want to confuse the hell out of anybody who finds me! -PEEBEE
I'll settle for just having my body air dropped into the largest volcano you guys can find. -DRACK
Rig my skeleton to jump out and scare people every time they open the closet. -LIAM
Centuries from now when this language is dead and forgotten, I hope our descendants find this infoboard intact and try to decipher it for its "infinite wisdom". -GIL
"Stop moving!" Scott shouted.
"This seems ill advised," Jaal pointed out.
"He'll be fine," Liam replied. "Ryder's done this before."
"Really?"
"Well...no."
Peebee was trying to hold still and stop laughing with a can of beer balanced on her head while Scott tried to aim a shotgun at it. "Ready?" Scott said.
"Hey, wait! STOP! This is stupid!" Gil interrupted him before he could pull the trigger. "Do you know how expensive Guinness is?"
Scott lowered the shotgun and seemed to think for a moment. "You're right. Maybe I should drink it first?"
"Be sure to chug it. Maybe it'll improve your aim," Drack replied sarcastically.
"I think there's a can of Milwaukee's Best in there. Use that instead, no one will miss it," Liam suggested.
After switching out the can of Guinness for the Milwaukee's Best, Peebee managed to hold still once more and Scott again took aim.
"What exactly do you think you're doing?!" a stern, motherly voice demanded.
Scott lowered the shotgun and they all simultaneously sighed. "Hi, Lexi," they all said.
She walked up to Scott, slapped him in the back of the head, and snatched the shotgun from him. "No!" she scolded before storming off towards the Tempest with it.
They all looked disheartened as they watched her disappear into the foliage. Peebee suddenly interrupted the sadness when she threw a small explosive at Scott, the pop scaring the crap out of him.
"Cherry bomb war!" she shouted before lighting another one.
Lexi was halfway through the forest when she heard the shouts and a series of small explosions behind her as they all chucked cherry bombs at each other. "Only three hundred more years until retirement," she grumbled.
From the Tempest Infoboard- That milk in the fridge
Guys, there was something seriously wrong with it. -SCOTT
What milk are you talking about? We never had milk. Why do you think I've been pouring Paragade on my cereal? -LIAM
You didn't actually drink that, did you? Because that wasn't milk! -PEEBEE
What the hell was it then?! -SCOTT
You don't want to know… -PEEBEE
I was about to ask why my boyfriend is currently in the bathroom dry heaving in the shower, but I think I just found out. -VETRA
"Tea?" Suvi offered.
"Please," Cora replied.
It was surprisingly quiet on the Tempest with the guys (and Peebee) gone. Cora had a few moments of meditation to herself without Liam and Jaal shouting to each other from across the ship because they couldn't be bothered to both walk to within a reasonable distance to carry on the rest of their conversation. Vetra had the bed all to herself that night and didn't have to worry about Scott sleep punching her in the face again. It was also nice being able to take a shower without Peebee breaking into the bathroom because she couldn't wait the five minutes it took them to finish to go pee.
Cora grabbed a few slices of toast from the toaster and applied a liberal amount of butter to each of them. "Has anyone heard from the boys since yesterday?" she asked.
"Well I heard them trying to reenact the Relay 314 Incident all night at any rate," Vetra replied.
Lexi looked a little concerned. "I haven't heard from Drack all morning. You don't suppose someone got hurt, do you?"
"I'm sure they're fine. If someone got hurt they'd call us to come look at how cool the injury is," Cora replied through a mouthful of toast.
Vetra suddenly got the same feeling of concern that Lexi did. "I'm going to go check on them, just to be on the safe side," she said as she got up and dropped her dishes in the sink. "At any rate, they've been out all night. I think it's time for them to come home."
Vetra was immediately concerned by the strong smell of something burning in the air that was noticeable the closer to the campsite she got. Part of her felt paranoid that she was going to step into the clearing to find nothing but a collection of blast shadows where they all once stood.
The sight of them laying scattered all over the ground brought to mind the beginning of an old Earth war vid that Scott was rather fond of, something about saving a private. She could never remember the name. Shrapnel and burnt out fireworks were scattered along the scorched and marred ground along with candy wrappers and empty beer cans. Drack was passed out in the makeshift pool, though thankfully his head was above water. The tusked amphibian that Peebee had brought was sprawled out on his head and turning its eyes every which way.
She was relieved when a count confirmed that they all had their limbs intact, though she did notice that Scott's hand was wrapped in a bloodstained towel, though he seemed to have injured himself on a broken bottle rather than with an explosive.
"Guys," Vetra said. "Hello!" She kicked a can onto a pile of rocks. The sound seemed to cause them all to stir enough to satisfy her that they were all still alive. "It's time to wake up!"
"We'll have time to wake up when we're dead," Peebee groaned.
She stooped over Scott and nudged him with her foot. "Now what have we learned last night?" she asked.
"Never drink something called an 'Adios Motherfucker' even though they're really pretty," Scott replied as he rolled onto his back.
"Nooo..." she replied.
"Vodka was brewed in Hell by the devil himself," Gil added.
"Are we going to do this again anytime soon?" she asked.
"Hell yes. We've still got some bottle rockets leftover," Scott replied. He gagged back a mouthful of vomit. "But next time we'll know not to invite you."
"Alright guys, clean up. Let's go!" Vetra said cheerfully. It was clear that she was enjoying this.
Begrudgingly, they all got up and cleaned up the mess. Peebee managed to capture her amphibian again, which she had named Gek, and tucked it into her pocket, but not before stumbling and falling back into the pool.
"Holy crap, the water is so cold!" she shivered.
"Try sleeping in it all night," Drack replied. "That'll restart your heart."
So happy belated Independence Day to all you guys in the US. And remember, if you buy and detonate quarter sticks of dynamite in my neighborhood, you are an asshole and I and my dog both hate you very much.