Disclaimer: Don't own, want.

It's been a while since I wrote something that wasn't an angst-fest so here you go ^^ Written from Rei's POV if he was slightly more than a little unbalanced. I hope you enjoy.

This is the first part of a planned two-shot. Hopefully I'll get the next half out in the next few days, assignments willing.

Of the 36 alternatives, running away is the best one. I'm not sure where I heard this. Sometime when I was a child, most likely. It's one of those things that has stuck with me in the way of childhood memories— completely lacking context but somehow still with the power to shape me and my decisions as an adult.

It's amazing how those snippets of what may have once been memories can come back right when you need them.

Now I know what you're thinking (Well, actually, I don't. You could be thinking of toast or purple spotted elephants for all I know. But— Go with me here), You're thinking that I sound like an emo bitch who's just looking for an excuse to run away from the problems I created for myself.

And you're probably right there. Except for the part about me creating my own problems. Because I didn't, not really. Sure, I may have been the catalyst for those problems spiralling into me working out that the only option is to get the hell away from where I am, but I didn't create the issues. I just poked them with a really pointy stick.

Suppose you want some context for my whining. Or perhaps you just want me to run away and get it over with, stop complaining and dithering about and just do it, you know? Make a decision and stick to my guns. Don't complain and be a man about it. But fuck you, hypothetical thoughts-listener, I'll complain until I'm good and ready to stop.

So I guess that the beginning of my problems comes from being born in a very traditional backwoods village full of people who haven't moved with the times since the 1800s. Seriously, electricity only got introduced around when I was born and there's people still bitterly complaining about it. So when they gave me their ancient spirit animal, Driger, it was kind of a big deal— an omen of ascension to leadership and all that bullshit. Added to that, the fact that they chose me over the chief's son? Bam, instant controversy and expectations of greatness.

Trouble is, I'm not that great a person. Normal, yes, but nothing bordering on great. I really tried to cope, I did. I stuck around despite the many knowing looks from the elders whenever I opened up my mouth to ask for anything, and especially despite the constant forced smile of my best friend, Lee (You remember how he was supposed to be the one to get Driger? Yeah. Awkward doesn't even cover that one). But eventually, I heeded the advice of that proverb, figured I'd tried at least 35 ways to cope with the expectations of everyone, and decided to hightail it out of there.

I was still a kid, sure, but I went okay. Got myself a job in the city as a waiter and continued on with my life, you know? It was lonely as all hell but it was better than having every movement watched and analysed in order to determine if I would be a good leader or not. Anything's better than that, really.

But I had hobbies and I continued with them, becoming well known in beyblading circles until this fat old man came and asked me to join the Japanese team. Didn't seem like a bad option so I went for it. It was something to do and it sure as hell beat working twelve-hour days in a stinking kitchen with other people who were trying to disappear into the woodwork same as me.

Then, of course, I met my team. And nothing could really overtake that in terms of important events in my life. My team didn't expect anything of me— they certainly didn't expect that I would one day become a benevolent and wise leader. They just wanted me to do my best and they'd go from there. It was nice. It was beyond nice. It was everything I could have hoped for.

Along with my team, though, I met Kai Hiwatari. Captain, Ice-King and all around badass. I didn't think much of him when we first met— it's a little hard to think kind thoughts about someone so uncooperative and untalkative. But then the unthinkable happened.

I hit puberty and found out that not only was my body doing some pretty bizarre (and some pretty awesome) things but also that it was doing them in response to one Kai Hiwatari.

Yep, just the thing you want, isn't it? You run away from your alarmingly traditional village, find yourself a place where you belong, and then find out that you're flamingly gay and with a wicked man-crush on the one guy you really shouldn't even waste your time with, just fucking perfect, right?

Anyways, I didn't know what I was supposed to do with all these new feelings so I did what any teenage boy would: absolutely jack-all. I mean, I ensured that I spent a lot more time with Kai— under the pretence of training and wanting to spend time away from our younger team mates, of course. And then I did nothing.

...For about two years. For two years I awkwardly fawned over Kai Hiwatari while still trying to convince myself that I wasn't being creepy as all get-out and also that I maybe wasn't as gay as my hormones were telling me.

Yeah, guess how that turned out?

Anyway, two years went by and I managed to not convince Kai that I was a horny psychopath who would take any opportunity to catch a perve at his perfectly shaped arse. Well done me. That is, until the tag-team world championships came around. Finally, FINALLY there was an excuse to work solely with Kai as my partner. Day in, day out. It could've been heaven.

But, instead, I ruined everything.

When Kai came to ask me to be his partner (some bullshit about wanting to beat Tyson into the ground—I wasn't really paying that much attention), I interpreted it a bit too liberally. I assumed that it was because he wanted to spend more time with me. I thought that maybe it was a sign that I wasn't just a friend. I thought maybe it was a sign that Kai had the same kind of hot, sexy, can't-think-anymore-due-to-all-blood-being-redirected thoughts about me.

So I confessed. I told him that I had those aforementioned thoughts about him and that I'd love it if we could make those thoughts into reality (Of course, I didn't use those exact words... I think... I hope. I may have been off my face at the time. Doesn't stop me from remembering his reaction).

After staring at me for a few seconds, probably trying to gauge if I was serious or not (Kai isn't exactly brilliant at humour that doesn't involve being a snarky bitch). He took all of my hopes, fantasies and dreams and threw them back in my face. I think he was nice about it, to be honest. But all I could hear was that one repeated word echoing through my head

No.

Two years of my life spent mooning after a guy who wasn't even remotely interested.

I was crushed. And, to make it worse, I'd ruined any chance of Kai wanting to be my partner in the championship. It was one thing to admire him from a distance while he was completely unaware of my little-too-focussed-gaze. It was quite another for him to know about it. I don't blame him, really. I would hate to have been put in that situation. It was awkward and bad and basically destroyed the friendship that I'd worked on for the past two years.

So I weighed up the alternatives, dismissed the other 35, (most were bullshit—one involved buying Kai a puppy called Pluto and trying to ingratiate myself through adorable puppy antics,) and ran away. Back to where I started, actually.

I went back to my village. Who welcomed me back surprisingly easy, installing me as the leader of their team immediately. Once again I was back in the environment I'd tried to escape from three years earlier. Despite showing myself up as possibly the worst leader ever, (What leader decides they can't handle the pressure and ditches?) the elders once again started watching my with the same hawk-eyed interest, appraising me and taking every small act as a hint of the great leadership I'd show in the future.

I couldn't understand it. I'd done everything wrong. Everything and yet they were still happy to have me back, heaping the expectations on even heavier than when I left. It was like they were relieved no one else would have to take the responsibility.

But this time instead of fighting it I caved. I became the leader of the White Tiger X team and brought us through all of the preliminary rounds and into the world championship. I was the leader and figurehead that they wanted me to be.

I managed to avoid Kai most of the time. We'd see each other in the hallways, surrounded by our new teams, and we'd nod, awkwardly. But that was about it.

Except when it wasn't. We were about to do the whole exchange nods, walk past each other thing when his hand caught my arm and he pulled me aside, wanting to talk. I allowed him to lead me to one of the more deserted hallways and we broke into (Read: Kai broke into) one of the empty locker rooms.

I perched uncomfortably on one of the seats and waited for him to speak. He'd been the one to bring us here, he could start.

"How've you been?"

I couldn't help it; I let out a short laugh. That was all he could come up with? That? After months of silence and awkwardness the best he could do was ask how I was. He looked at me, alarmed. He'd obviously forgotten that, despite my innate awesomeness, I also have a good dose of the crazy in my veins.

"I've been... good," I said eventually. "You?"

"Yeah, good... Yeah." He nodded, a little too enthusiastically before catching himself and sighing exaggeratedly. "This is weird, isn't it?"

Ya think? "Just a little," I agreed.

He sat down on one of the benches opposite me, just close enough to speak of the friendship we'd once shared and just far enough away to communicate the rift that had formed. "It's just that..." He trailed off and paused, a small smile making his lips twitch before he went on, "I miss you, is all."

Okay, stop. Reality time. This obviously wasn't happening and I was in some weird dreamy yet –strangely-realistic place (I don't know about you but the stench of sweat gone sour with age has never really featured prominently in my fantasies about me and Kai in a locker room).

At my disbelieving noise he looked up, "What?" He asked.

"Just that you don't miss anybody," I said settling down on my bench. Despite the awkward tension that still tainted the air I could almost close my eyes and still believe that we were back to months ago—before I'd made an idiot of myself. There was still that link of friendship and comfort.

Kai was still Kai. He was still my best friend with whom I'd shared all my secrets and whom I trusted more than anyone else I've ever met. A few months of extreme awkwardness couldn't take that away. Not fully.

Kai scoffed, "Don't take it to your head. It's just that the only one on my new team who can have a decent conversation without descending into grunts or a detailed description of things I'd rather not think about—" I stared at him. What exactly was Kai unwilling to think about? My mind was supplying all of these delicious scenarios I was definitely more than willing to think about but Kai?

At my expression Kai paused "Bryan, you idiot. He keeps finding and telling me about gruesome sports injuries. Saves them up for meal times, too, the bastard." He looked aside for a second before regaining his train of thought, "Anyway the only one who I can really talk to is Tala and he's a bit of a stroppy bitch sometimes... most of the ti— All the time."

I coughed to hide the snort that wanted to come out. Kai calling someone a stroppy bitch? Pot, this is kettle. You'll get on well. No name calling, though.

The glint of amusement in Kai's eye as he looked at me let me know I hadn't been as sneaky as I'd hoped. Thankfully, he let it slide.

"In conclusion, I... miss this. I like just being able to talk." He finished lamely. "Do you think we can go back to being friends?"

I stared at him. There were a few reasons for that. First, Kai was expressing an emotion (albeit in the most roundabout and Kai-like way), second, and this was the kicker, Kai was expressing a desire for something that didn't involve growing stronger, reaching perfection or kicking Tyson in the face. This was progress. Like, crazy amounts of progress.

But— "...No," I said eventually, wishing the sound of my heart breaking wasn't quite so audible. "I don't think we can, Kai." I looked down at my hands, noting that my super-duper iron-free pants had giant creases where my hands had bunched in the fabric. I hadn't realised I'd been balling my fists quite so tightly. "I—"

"Why the hell not?" There was frustration and just a hint of anger in Kai's voice. I could sympathise with that, I really could. I mean, a good half of my body was busy ricocheting around trying to get my mouth's attention. Trying to get it to stop going down this path. I ignored it.

"Because I told you I'm in love with you, you idiot." I snapped back. "We can't go back from that—I don't think it's possible. Or, if it is, it's probably not good for us." Or, a least, really not healthy for me.

"Neither is junk food and I still see you scarfing that down whenever you get the chance."

I took a second to really absorb his words. What the hell kind of a metaphor was that? I mean, I know Kai isn't a wordsmith of the ages but seriously. We're talking comparing our friendship, based on mutual trust, respect, camaraderie and all those other good things to a burger and limp fries. Flattering, that's what it was.

I sighed, mind working furiously to try to work out what to say. I was right in telling him that we couldn't go back to being friends— it wasn't possible. Whatever chance at that I'd ruined by telling him about... well, me. I didn't think that I had the strength to pretend that I didn't want Kai in that way and, frankly, I think that if I had tried it wouldn't have ended well for either of us. "We're not junk food, Kai." I said, lamely. "And I'm sorry." I stood slowly and wiped my sweaty palms down the front of my pants, smoothing out the wrinkles as best I could.

"What do you want?" Kai asked, a hint of iron in his voice. The amazing self-control he's so famous for had come out. It'd been a long time since I'd heard that tone in private. He normally didn't need that barrier whenever we were talking— even when we were talking about less-than-pleasant things. He was hurting.

"All or nothing," I said with much more decisiveness than I was feeling. "I can't go halfway anymore, Kai." I sounded so badass and confident, the complete opposite of what I was feeling inside. The half of me that was clamouring for me to shut up had turned into at least three quarters and seemed to be organising a choir.

I turned to walk out of the locker room only to be stopped by a hand on my shoulder. "Rei—"

Throwing caution to the wind, I whirled and captured his lips with my own (My first kiss—but he'll never know that!). After a few second of inexpertly pressing my lips against his unresponsive ones I pulled away, glaring at him and defying him to do... something. "All or nothing, Kai."

I turned once again to leave, wrapping my hand around the door handle and pulling. I was stopped by Kai's hand on the door, preventing me from opening it. I looked over my shoulder at him, waiting for an explanation.

"All or nothing?" he asked, his eyes narrow. "What the hell is that?"

"That's me telling you I don't want to be your friend anymore." Crack. How could he not hear the sound of the last part of my heart being crushed under the boot of my own words? "I can't do it." I tried the door again but Kai was still leaning on it. "Let me out."

"No," he said, his voice now completely marred by the tone of control. That was possibly the part that hurt the most about the situation. That Kai felt the need to keep up his public mask while we were talking.

I sighed and turned around so my back was facing the door and I could lean against it. "You don't know how this works, do you?" I asked.

He frowned, confused.

"I'm supposed to give you the dramatic ultimatum, kiss you and then you, too shocked to react, let me leave. You spend the next few minutes staring at the closed door, hopefully realising that you can't live without my amazing self, but simply being shocked at me kissing you while reflecting over how great my arse looks in these pants would be acceptable." When Kai opened up his mouth to interrupt I held up my hand. "Not finished— Then I continue to walk maybe three hallways over, until I'm sure you can't find me before I collapse into a gibbering mess and realise I've just given an ultimatum that may mean I lose my best friend for good."

I paused as I watched him absorb that. "That's what's supposed to happen. But now you've gone and ruined it and you're not going to have the privacy of the empty locker room to really reflect on how much you'd rather have me in your life and I'm not going to be able to have my breakdown somewhere where you can't see and then you're going to hold that against—" The cold feeling of Kai's finger against my lips made me pause and sag against the door, all energy leaving me. I thought I was being strong and now— now all I wanted to do was hide. That and agree with anything Kai suggested, regardless of whether I thought I could actually do it or not. I'd used up all of my fight in telling him things had to change. Now I didn't think I could even stick to my guns on that point.

"You're babbling and it's making it hard for me to think."

The smell of Kai's breath was making it hard for me to think, the feel of his calloused fingertip against my lips was making it impossible to think. By necessity of our positions, Kai was leaning over me, his arm next to my head as he leaned against the door. I looked up at him mutely as I took all of that in, waiting for him to catch up with my hysterics.

"Rei— what happens if I pick nothing?" Kai asked after a few seconds.

I felt my heart sink. "Then... then I guess we go back to how it's been. We're civil but we're not friends." I said in a small voice. "We move on with our lives."

Kai sighed, "See? That doesn't work for me. Else we wouldn't be here." He pushed himself off the door and stood straight, facing me with his arms folded. "You're not being fair, you know."

I shrugged, an attempt at nonchalance. "You're not being realistic. I can't see any way we can go back to what we were. We can't take things back— you of all people should know that."

Kai winced. That was a low blow and I knew it before the words came out of my mouth but...even I would hesitate at the hypocrisy of trying to take it back.

"What do you want?" Kai asked, a note of defeat in his voice. "Rei? What are you hoping to achieve?"

"An answer."

"You got one months ago— I said no."

"But then you brought us here," I pointed out. "You're the one who couldn't live with the answer, not me." I had picked alternative number 36 and gotten the fuck out of Dodge. I'd seen his choice and made my own. It wasn't fair that he now wanted to modify everything. You can't call backsies on the past. I mean, you can try and try and try but it's probably not going to work out the way you want.

A growl of frustration escaped his lips. "But what do you want Rei?" He asked, anger and an emotion I couldn't name in his voice. "Is this it?" He snaked one hand around the back of my neck and pulled me forward none-too-gently, crushing his lips against mine.

If I could pick the worst moment in my life that would probably be it. When I got everything I wanted, Kai kissing me after realising that he couldn't live without me in his life, but in such a terrible way.

His hands held me tightly, almost painfully in place as his hard lips mashed against mine in a way that was about as far removed from romantic as possible. His tongue pushed against my lips before forcing its way into my mouth.

I panicked and tried to push him off, anything to escape. The smell of him, the same smell that had sent me soft in the head only a few seconds ago had turned into an all-pervasive scent that was invading every inch of me, every pore. I pushed ineffectually at his shoulders, trying to get some leverage to get him away from me. It only made him hold me tighter, his grip a white-hot point of pain as he buried it in my hair and pulled, using the pain to direct the kiss as he wanted. I could feel tears forming in the corners of my eyes as his tongue explored the inside of my mouth, claiming everything as his and leaving a sour taste behind.

I couldn't escape, moving backwards only earned me a painful yank as his hand tangled tightly in my hair and moving forwards would mean moving further into my own private nightmare of subverted dreams. His other hand snaked up the front of my clothes and balled itself in the fabric, yanking me still closer to him. The overbearing position he'd adopted forced me to bend slightly backwards to accommodate him, making me even more vulnerable as his lips continued to work at mine.

He used his hold on my hair to forcibly pull me away before releasing me, his eyes narrowed into slits as he caught his breath.

"—Because that's what you're asking for." Kai said between heaving breaths, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "That's not anything anyone should want."

I collapsed against the door, all of my limbs shaking. He'd done nothing more than kiss me and yet I felt violated. "Kai—"

"All or nothing, huh?" Kai asked as he grabbed the door and yanked it open despite my weight against it. I fell heavily as he stalked out of the room.

I stared after him, some traitorous part of my brain stopping in its spiral of horror to admire how well his pants hugged his arse. I mean, seriously. The slam of the door made me flinch as I was left alone in the locker room realising that Kai had succeeded in the dramatic storm out scenario where I had failed so miserably. He'd even managed to work in the kiss.

The silence was echoing. I'd gotten what I wanted. All or nothing. And now I felt empty. If that's what his all was then I didn't want it. But I couldn't stand nothing either.

I sat in that room until the lights went out for the night, hugging my knees and going through all of my options. Trouble was, my favourite, good old number 36 was out of the question. I couldn't leave my team, not when they'd so willingly let me back into the fold. They'd fallen back into the habit of relying on me despite all evidence that relying on me was probably more foolish than... actually, I can't think of anything more foolish. And I couldn't leave Kai like that. For better or worse I still didn't have my answer. Neither of us could live with the choices I'd set down so now we were back in no-man's-land.

But the more I sat and thought about it there was no way to escape from the spider's web I'd created both for myself and for everyone around me.

And so I came back to alternative 36. Get away from the situation. Get away fast. Maybe if I left rapidly enough I could woosh out like one of those tablecloths and leave everything undisturbed.

It was a hard decision to make, to be sure, I was disappointing so many people. But— I couldn't cope with everything. I couldn't live in that web. Everything hurt and I couldn't do it. Alternative 36 was my answer.

I stood slowly, feeling each individual ache as my body protested sitting still for so long. I think my body welcomed the plan if only because it meant I'd be moving. And movement is always better than wallowing.

I felt my way along the wall before finding the handle of the door and pulling it open. The cold rush of air from the hallway made me gasp before gritting my teeth and stepping out into it. I shut the door quietly behind me.

"You don't half know how to sulk, do you?"

Holy Mother of— I let out a (possibly very girly) shriek and slammed myself against the door, trying to press myself into the woodwork. Who in the name of—

The low sound of Kai chuckling brought me back to my senses. "I didn't mean to scare you— sorry. I was expecting you to come out much earlier than this."

"Why?" I asked, shock leading into righteous anger, "We don't have anything to speak about. Do we?" I drew myself up in a show of haughty pride. If nothing else I might have been able to fake him out "You proved that just a few hours ago."

"I was angry. I don't like ultimatums."

Of all of the lame and terrible excuses for doing something like that. "Then find a better way to deal with it," I snapped, turning to march off. I took a step and paused, looking over my shoulder at him. "Kai—" I tried, searching for the words. As much as I wanted to leave him with a scathing comment I just couldn't. This was Kai. "You scared me."

"I already said I was sorry for—"

"No—" I interrupted. "Before. You scared me." I look around the hallway, anywhere but at him. I didn't want to look at him. Not right then. I didn't think I wanted to see his face. "Why?"

"Because you scared me." My eyes met his in shock. That hadn't been what I was expecting. "You don't go out, tell your friend that you're in love with him and then expect him to either drop you immediately or declare his undying love for you with no other options in between..." I saw a flash of tooth in the darkness as he gave one of his small smiles. "The only person on this planet I can think of that'd decide that was the most logical plan of action is you."

...You know, setting it out logically like that kinda does make me sound like a crazy person.

"Then what was I supposed to do, genius?" I asked archly, folding my arms in my best imitation of him. "Anything less and we'd end up in an uncomfortable limbo where I'm always wanting more and you're always pulling back to try and keep our friendship in check. That's unfair to both of us."

Kai thought for a few seconds. My eyes were adjusting and I could just make him out in the gloom. He was standing in his accustomed way, leaning against the wall with his arms folded. I wonder how long he's been there? Since he walked out of the room? Did he leave me like that and then come out here to wait in ambush? What if I'd come out almost immediately while we were both still angry?

"Would you like to go to dinner with me?" he asked after what seems like an eternity.

I felt my jaw drop. That wasn't what I was expecting. "What?" I asked dumbly.

"Dinner. A place with food and unreadable menus and waiters you want to kneecap." Kai elaborated helpfully. "Would you like to go?"

"But what about—" I struggled for words. "What is dinner?"

"A chance," Kai said simply. "I can apologise for frightening you and you can apologise for being batshit insane."

I snorted despite myself. Though, to be fair, he had known about my (probably certifiable) insanity coming in. "But what does it mean?" I persisted. "Kai— I may have gone about it the wrong way but I was serious. I need an answer. I thought you'd given me one back when I first confessed."

"You dumped it on me like a tonne of bricks and then expected me to give you an answer almost immediately. What was I supposed to say?" Kai asked, a note of defensiveness in his voice. "Until that point I'd never even considered it. And then you left and I didn't have a chance to say anything to explain."

I winced and look away. Touché number 36, Touché. "Have you had a chance to consider it now?"

"I thought I had. And then you dumped yet another huge decision on me and expected me to decide again." Kai said with a raised eyebrow.

I felt my face turn red. Thank God for dim lighting. "And now?"

"And now I've come up with dinner."

"Dinner... could be nice." I conceded. It's not the all I had envisaged but it's something. It's Kai not giving me an outright no and I think I can live with that.

"Do you promise not to arrange a wedding and force me to either chose between that and never seeing you again? Because I don't think I can handle that."

"Do you promise not to assault me whenever you want to make a point?" I countered, still feeling the residual feelings of dread from that encounter. I never wanted to feel that helpless again. It had only been a kiss but there had been so much horror in it that I think it'll probably haunt me for a good long time.

Kai's hand found mine in the gloom and caught it deftly. "Rei—"

I turned and was shocked to feel Kai's lips on mine again. It was so different from the last time. Now he wasn't trying to make a point. Now it was a gesture meant for comfort, to soothe. His lips were soft and warm against mine and when he ran his tongue along my lower lip I opened my mouth willingly and kissed him back, bringing my hands up to gently cup the back of his head and running my fingers through the silky dark locks.

He responded by caressing my cheek ever so gently, the coolness of his hands in sharp contrast to the warmth and softness of his lips.

It was all too brief, a gesture of goodwill rather than of intent. He pulled away slowly and my eyes fluttered open to look at him again. "What did I just say?" I asked as soon as I had regained the ability to speak.

"I believe you said you wanted to go to dinner with me." Kai answered, a smirk in his voice.

"...Yeah sounds about right." I breathed, still trying to blink the stars from my eyes. If I had to pick one of the greatest moments of my life? That would totally have been one of them.

Screw you alternative 36. I've found the hidden 37th alternative. At least in this instance.

Now to sort out the rest of my life.

Please tell me what you think