Alone at last...

Archive: Padfoot...Snuffles SBRL, Azkaban's Lair (if Nezad wants it), Meant to Be
Summary: Remus, Sirius, the Veil and Bellatrix - a fatal combination
Pairing: Remus & Sirius
Disclaimer: All characters etc belong to JK Rowling - I just 'borrow' them from time-to-time
Spoilers: POA
Author's Notes// denotes Remus' thoughts. OotP era, set just after the incident with the veil. I wrote this fic in memory of my gran who passed away on March 1st 2005. Remus' feelings (at least some of them), come from my thoughts at the time. I do apologise if Remus seems a little out of character for that reason.
Warnings: character death but its the one we know about anyway...
"Black, I'm really sorry about your gran passing away. I hope you have great memories of her to help you during this time.
About your fic - this was very touching; it's certainly sad that the last words we say to a loved one are not "I love you", but something as trivial as "don't do anything silly". We just can't predict the finality of it all.
And bringing Sirius back, in any form, is certainly welcome. I hope that Remus works on a way to bring him back in human form." Lee

"Let me, too, offer my condolences on the loss of you grandmother.
You've written her a fitting tribute, filled with the pain of loss, numbing grief, but in the end, hope - and the determination to go on. Very beautifully done." Cricket

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Remus heard the triumphant yell from Bellatrix and turned to see his love falling gracefully towards the veil. His mind was blank, the scene moving in slow motion. He tried to move, to run and stop Sirius' body falling through the archway but his body remained rooted to the spot, watching. As if it was from a great distance, Remus heard Harry shout and held his arm out to stop the boy from running into the veil to aid his godfather, but Remus was unaware of having made such an action. His mind was completely on automatic pilot, his brain seemed to have shut down the thinking process, his mind full of the image playing out in front of him: the slow motion scene of Sirius falling towards the veiled archway. Remus took a gasp of breath as Sirius' hair touched the veil, holding the breath while the rest of Sirius' body followed his long black hair through the archway. Remus' breath was shaky now, as he stared at the veil, which was moving as if by an invisible breeze.

Remus' mind remained blank. He heard himself telling Harry that he couldn't rescue Sirius, that Sirius was... He couldn't even tell himself Sirius was gone, let alone Harry. He regained enough sense to lead the boy away from the dias, and to stop Neville's hexed feet from dancing, but he couldn't think straight. The view of Sirius' body falling through the veil was replaying constantly in his head, numbing his mind to anything else that was happening.

A sudden pained shriek from Kingsley brought Remus back to reality as Bellatrix ran from the room. His grip on Harry's arm had loosened and he felt the boy break from his grasp to chase after Bellatrix. Dumbledore took a single glance at Remus' glazed amber eyes and hurried after Harry.

Remus was glad to be almost alone. He automatically sent the Order's distress signal, and instantly the Order member Healers were Apparating into the room, and taking the injured into adjoining rooms for treatment before they moved them to St. Mungos. Alone completely at last, he stood in front of the veil.

His mind was filling with raw emotions, and it felt as if his head would explode if the emotions kept coming. The first to manifest itself into his head was raw emptiness. Sirius had been away before, not least when he was in Azkaban for twleve years, but Remus had always known that he would return to the house they'd shared. This time, there was no return. The one he had truly loved, his soul mate had been snatched from him in a cruel twist of fate. Before they had left, Remus had the chance to stop Sirius from joining them, an act which would have saved his life.

Anger was becoming stronger than the emptiness now, as he realised it was partially his fault that Sirius had died. He bowed his head as he thought of the chance he'd had to stop Sirius from coming to the Ministry, or at least to try and stop Harry from getting those dreams that lead him there in the first place. If only he'd been able to convince Dumbledore to not use Snape to give Harry those Occulmency lessons, this whole thing may not have happened.

Shaking that last thought from his mind, he tried to remember the last words he'd said to Sirius. It hadn't been "I love you", but he couldn't quite remember what it had been. Closing his eyes, he pictured them leaving Grimmauld Place, and his words came echoing through his mind, gradually getting louder: "don't do anything silly." Was that it? He racked his brain to think of anything else he'd said to him, but there wasn't anything else: he hadn't even given him a good luck kiss.

Guilt was beginning to close in on him now, Harry's desperate cries echoing through his head. If only he'd said to Sirius how much he loved him, how much Sirius meant to him, or at least shown him some affection before they'd left for the Ministry. He could have convinced Harry that Sirius wasn't in the Ministry, but was, in fact, safe at Grimmauld Place, but he hadn't.

Instead, he'd witnessed the hardest event he'd ever faced - watching his love die.

Guilt was now making way for all-enveloping sadness, as he felt the first small tear well in the corner of his eye. He hadn't cried since James and Lily died, and he'd never experienced the loss of someone so close to him before: Sirius had meant the world to him. What would that world be like without Sirius to share it with?

He could sense wizards Apparating into the building, but remained still, his eyes transfixed on the veil that had grabbed Sirius, imprisoning him for the second time in his life. At least the first time he'd escaped, but there was no escaping this.

It was beginning to feel cold, as if the invisible breeze was wafting around the entire room, and Remus shivered. He heard the soft footsteps of someone approaching him, but didn't turn round: he was waiting for them to disappear so he could be alone once more. A hand placed firmly on his shoulder made him look around: Dumbledore had come back into the room, and was looking, concerned, at Remus.

Remus let himself stare directly into Dumbledore's eyes, as he knew the old wizard could glean all the information he needed from his mind rather than needing him to say it.

He lead Remus into a room which had a warm welcoming fire at one end, and a table with two chairs in the centre. He held a chair so Remus could sit down, and then sat down opposite Remus, his elbows on the table resting his head on his hands. Remus looked into Dumbledore's eyes, his expression saying more than he felt his voice could.
/Don't make me say anything; I'm afraid that if I open my mouth I'll start bawling like a little kid. I can't let you see me like this/
"Remus," Dumbledore's voice was powerful yet gentle, "I realise that Sirius meant rather more to you than we previously thought. Would I be right in saying you were, shall we say, a lot more than just good friends?"
Remus nodded, biting his lip to prevent him from breaking down.
"I understand. Remus, nothing I can say will make you feel better, nothing I can do will take the pain away, but I can offer a little hope for the future. Some wizards who are skilled enough to become Animagi can reappear after their deaths in Animagus form. They would not be able to transform back into their human form, but have limited interaction abilities. Limited, but enough. I can't guarantee that Sirius would chose, or indeed be able to do that, but from the pain I can see in your eyes, there was plenty of love between you and him, so he's likely to try."
Dumbledore waved his wand and a steaming cup of tea appeared in front of Remus.
"Drink this tea, it will help with the shock. It's an old Muggle routine that I've found very useful when I have nothing else with me."

Remus nodded, and drank the tea in one. As he swallowed the last drops, he felt a slight weight lifting from his chest /these Muggles do have some strange ideas, but they work/
"I suggest we make a move back to the House now," continued Dumbledore, "it will be more private there, and there are some more things I need to share with you."
Helping Remus to his feet, Dumbledore lead the way back towards the Atrium and the exit of the Ministry. As they were walking past the veil, Remus paused and dropped his head. As he stepped forwards, he tripped over something on the floor, Dumbledore catching his arm just before he fell to the ground. Steadying himself, he looked down to find out what he had tripped on, and was pleasantly surprised to find a big black dog looking rather out of breath and scared, staring back up at him.

"Padfoot?" he whispered, almost afraid to ask in case it wasn't. In an instant the dog had reared onto its hind legs and was frantically licking Remus' face. Remus was smiling for the first time that evening, and caught Dumbledore's eye. The headmaster raised an eyebrow, and started smiling as well.
"OK you two, lets get you back somewhere safe. We can continue this there."

Remus followed Dumbledore out into the Atrium, and up into the main street outside the Ministry, Padfoot as his side. He was still upset at losing Sirius, but he still had Padfoot.
/Maybe there will be a way in the future to get the wizard back from the Animagus.../
Bending down so only Padfoot could hear him, he whispered,
"I'll always love you. One day, love, you will return properly. I'll see to that: we'll be together properly again. I'll make it happen for you."