Dark Shadows
Archive:
Padfoot...Snuffles, SBRL, Azkaban's Lair, Meant to Be
Summary:
How can Remus exist when he's being eaten inside?
Pairing:
Remus & Sirius
Disclaimer: All characters etc belong
to JK Rowling - I just 'borrow' them from time-to-time
Spoilers:
OotP
Author's Notes: Sorry to all those who like a happy
ending, but I had to lose this angsty fic before I can write a
brighter one!
Remus' POV
Warnings: Angst
---------------------------------------------
"There's nothing you can do, Harry... nothing... he's
gone."
I still don't know how I managed to say those nine
words so calmly. In reality, my heart was breaking and there was a
rising sense of panic inside me. Panic at being left alone once more,
permanently this time. While Harry had chased after Bellatrix, I had
sorted out the other students and floo'd them back to Hogwarts under
the watchful eye of Madame Pomfrey who had agreed to assist me. After
they had returned, I heard Dumbledore send Harry back by Portkey,
then consent to explain to Fudge what had happened this evening. I
sank to the floor in front of the dias, unable to move or even think
for myself. All I wanted was my Padfoot, the one who could lift me
from this well of sorrow I'd fallen in to. Someone to hold me, to
tell me it will all be ok, but it wouldn't be: no Padfoot meant no
existence for me.
I had survived for those twelve years he was imprisoned in Azkaban by clinging onto the dim thought that he may be able to escape. Sure, no one had previously, but then they weren't a trained Marauder: a rule-breaker and unregistered Animagus who would be able to walk among Muggles and Wizards alike without being captured. Unusually for me, I was correct, and Sirius had escaped, only to be trapped in Grimmauld Place by Dumbledore once Peter had told Voldemort of his Animagus form. Then, in his usual heroic style, he had insisted on accompanying us tonight, and that heroic stand became his downfall. On my knees now, I found myself breaking down in front of the veil: the veil that stripped life from my mate, imprisoning him once more but this time for eternity. In imprisoning him, it had also taken part of me, Moony and Padfoot were pack mates - one cannot function fully without the other.
There would be another full moon at the end of this month, and I was certain that I was in no mood to go through it without my Paddy. I wondered what would happen if I was to lift the veil and walk through it. Would I be able to move it, or would I just come out from the other side unscathed? I lifted my head slightly and looked around the room, no one was in the area to see what I was doing, so I stood slowly and moved towards the veil. Stepping up onto the dias I lifted my right hand and reached out towards the corner of the veil. Sirius' bark-like laugh was imprinted on my mind as I drew a deep breath to steady my shaking hand. Slowly I pulled the corner of the veil to the left, still holding that breath, unsure of what I would see on the other side.
Pulling the veil away a little more, I peered into the darkness. All I could see was a dark area, like a mixture of shadows all thrown in together. Was that what Sirius had become? A shadow to be left lying in that room for ever, or was there more to see than that. I had to know, so I pulled back the veil a little more. Concentrating hard, I peered into the dark gloom once more, trying to find that handsome if still gaunt face I knew and loved. So what if he had lost a lot of weight in Azkaban, he was still the Sirius I knew and loved, and nothing could take him away from me. At least that was what we had thought until he had met with the veil.
Pulling back the veil completely, I stood and stared into
the black void. I wasn't sure if it was a solid floor behind there or
if it was air and nothing else. Lifting my right foot, I made to step
through the veiled area when I heard a spell shouted, and felt
invisible binding ropes pulling me back. Struggling against my
magical binds I was dragged backwards and landed on the floor in the
corner of the room.
"What were you thinking, Remus?"
came the quiet yet forceful voice of Dumbledore. "I had an idea
you would try to discover something about the veil tonight, that is
why I came back to you. If you come with me back to my office at
Hogwarts we can discuss this fully. I don't want you to stay in this
room any longer than necessary. We shall Floo back, you can go
first." My binds broken, I considered running for it and jumping
head first into the veiled void, but the rational part of my brain
had woken up and was telling me the Headmaster knew what was right,
and that I was just being the stupid naive Marauder I had been many
years ago.
Reluctantly I followed the Headmaster towards
the Atrium, watching as he took a pinch of Floo dust and handed it to
me.
"You first, Remus. I need to check you go straight to
Hogwarts." Taking a deep breath, I stepped forwards and heard
him shout "Dumbledore's Office, Hogwarts." A few moments of
spinning later, I fell out of the fireplace into the office to the
surprise of the portraits on the walls. I looked round, waiting for
the Headmaster to reappear in the fireplace. The door was near enough
to escape through, but if he came back and realised I had gone it
wouldn't take him long to find me. I wasn't sure if I wanted to see a
group of happy students anyway. How could they be happy with Sirius
gone? Nothing could fill the empty void in my heart, the place I had
reserved for Sirius all those years ago when we first made love
together: that place destined to be forever empty, I couldn't even
consider allowing anyone else space there.
Watching the
spinning form of Dumbledore unfold himself from the fireplace, I sank
down into the chair by his desk, unwilling to talk about Sirius or
the events of the night. I didn't really know what I wanted to do:
there was no body to grieve; he had simply vanished from the earth to
never be seen again...
The thought of Sirius never returning
brought tears to my already bloodshot eyes. I held my head in my
hands to conceal the weakness of shedding tears, tears for the loved
one I was never able to walk down the street with in case he was
captured. We had planned a new life once Voldemort was defeated, a
new house to live in well away from Grimmauld Place with its constant
reminders of Sirius' family. A quiet cottage in a forest, where the
wolf wouldn't be a problem: a chance for Sirius to have fresh clean
air in his lungs, instead of the cold fearful air of Azkaban, or the
smog filled air of London. My thoughts drifted over to the veil,
wondering what sort of atmosphere there would be in that black void.
What would Sirius be doing now, or would he not be able to do
anything?
I felt a sense of being watched, and peered up
from my hands. Dumbledore had sat on the opposite side of the desk,
and was staring in to me with unblinking eyes. As he realised I had
noticed, he gave a reassuring smile. "I have already discussed
today's events with Harry," he said in an unusually quiet voice,
"after having spoken with him, I returned to the Ministry where
I was sure the veil would be intriguing you. I was certain you would
want to know what had happened to Sirius, whether he veil is
irreversible death and," he looked at me straight in the eyes,
as if reading my thoughts, "what would happen if you had stepped
into that black void behind there."
I was sure Dumbledore's
skill of Legilimency meant I didn't need to nod, but I gave a half
nod to confirm his thoughts anyway. I willed him to hurry up so I
could return to the Ministry and dive into the veil. Anything to be
back with my Padfoot.
"The veil," he continued, "is
a very complex magical force. It can take away life at the mere
passing of a being through it. There is, however, another side of the
veil: something I have studied over the years."
My
overworked brain was nearing meltdown at this point, I didn't want a
complicated explanation of Sirius' departure and how the veil worked.
I just wanted him back. Resting my elbows on his desk, I held my head
in my hands, supporting the emotions racing through my brain: the
emotions that were having a fight for which one would come to the
surface first. Would it be grief at the loss of my pack mate or anger
at being dragged away from seeing him again by stepping through the
veil?
Grief was in the lead as Dumbledore offered me a tissue,
took a deep breath and continued, "the veil contains a type of
after life, where the occupants have all gone through it in some way.
When a wizard or witch is killed by a spell they will end up on the
other side of the veil. Sirius was lucky, his whole body fell through
it - he will find it easier to adjust than those who were killed away
from the veil itself."
I looked up again, confused even more
by the explanation I was being given. Despite having told Harry
Sirius was gone, I needed confirmation from Dumbledore to believe it
for myself. "You mean he's d..."
"He's gone on,
Remus. That's the easiest way to say it. No doubt he will meet up
gain with James and Lily as well : they would have been expecting
him. They have a source of contact with the outside world, and I was
able to warn them Sirius may be injured in a battle. I knew he would
go to save Harry whenever it was required of him, and that his
courage and heroism could prove his downfall."
I looked up
again, reluctantly agreeing with the last comments Dumbledore had
made. I knew Sirius was too courageous for his own good, but try
telling that to your partner when they are adamant they should be
included in a rescue group.
"If a healthy wizard like
yourself was to step through the veil into that black void you saw,
there could be a catastrophic result. The entire world behind there
could be destroyed, causing unknown damage to those occupying that
space. It looks different to them Remus, they don't see the black
void. For those behind that veil, their world is a riot of colours
much like ours. And there is nothing to worry about, the air is very
clean."
I sat, staring down at the floor not wanting to move, to acknowledge that Dumbledore was right, that Sirius was gone for ever. If I didn't move, it wasn't admitting the truth, so I could still believe my Sirius was here, alive.
All I knew was one thing; Bellatrix would pay dearly for her actions tonight. I would see to that.