Cyril took the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. Just some madness from my tiny mind based on some past stories. And let's face it, you can totally see Cyril and the others…
Drinking Embezzlement Champagne
"I call this meeting of the Figgis Agency Wine Club!" Pam said cheerfully. "Secretary Gillette will now read the minutes."
"It's been twenty-seven minutes since we had a drink," Ray quipped.
"Good enough for me," Pam said. "Break out the bubbly Krieger!"
"Yup, yup, yup!" Krieger nodded as he poured some wine into the glasses of Pam, Ray, Cheryl and himself. "This is a lovely little pinot noir from France. Nice nose. Good body."
"But enough about me," Ray quipped. "How's the wine?"
"Aww, I was gonna say that," Pam frowned.
"He said good body," Cheryl giggled as she took a drink. Pam punched her in the arm. "OW! Thank you…"
"Cheryl you know you sound crazier every day," Lana groaned.
"Only sound?" Ray snickered.
"Why are you drinking wine at the office?" Cyril sighed. "I ask even though I know it's because we have no clients."
"It's not because of that," Pam said. "Although that is a perk. It's so we'll be nice and loose when we go hit the bars."
"You guys might want to consider dropping your ten in the morning drink breaks," Lana sighed. "As well as the ones at eleven, one, two and four."
"Well now who sounds crazy?" Cheryl asked.
"What happened to the three o'clock drink break?" Cyril asked sarcastically.
"Scheduling conflict," Krieger explained. "It was interfering with our daily poker games."
"Of course it was," Cyril sighed. "Lana can I talk to you in my office? Seeing as you are the only one who is going to be sober until at least tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?" Cheryl giggled.
"We're planning on being plastered until Christmas," Ray said as they left. "Whenever that is."
"I don't know why I'm surprised," Lana sighed as she walked into Cyril's office. "I guess I'm just happy they're not smoking crack by now."
"Lana," Cyril closed the door to his office. "We have a problem."
"When don't we have a problem?" Lana remarked. "Besides an alcohol addiction one. Okay Cyril. Spill it. What did you do?"
"Remember when Cheryl gave me her corporate credit card a while ago?" Cyril asked.
"To bail out one of her directors out who ended up dying in jail," Lana recapped. "Yes."
"I didn't exactly return it to her," Cyril coughed.
"What do you mean you didn't exactly return it to her?" Lana snapped. "You mean you didn't return it to her?"
"Exactly," Cyril admitted. "Where do you think you've been getting your paycheck from these past few months?"
"Oh, for the love of…" Lana groaned. "I know I should be upset by this but for some reason I'm not."
"Is it because Cheryl is a complete and total bitch who slept with both me and Archer?" Cyril guessed.
"Yup," Lana nodded. "What really worries me is what she'll do if she finds out you're bleeding her dry."
"Don't worry," Cyril waved. "I've added some purchases of glue and stickers and put them on her desk. She'll think it's hers. That's not what worries me. What worries me is if her accountant starts checking up on the bills."
"Why does that worry you?" Lana asked.
"I may have put some incidentals on the credit card besides stuff for the office," Cyril admitted.
"What incidentals?" Lana asked.
"Uhhhh…." Cyril paused.
FLASHBACK!
"Wow I love this new streaming online service," Cyril said as he watched TV on his computer in the office. "Totally worth paying ten years in advance for services. I wonder what else I can get with Cheryl's credit card? Hmmmm….?"
FLASHBACK!
"Spare glasses!" Cyril looked at his purchase. "And spare sunglasses! That's a good investment in the future!"
FLASHBACK!
"Ooh! That gourmet coffee I like!" Cyril grinned as he looked at his purchase.
FLASHBACK!
"Ooh! New cashmere sweater vests!" Cyril looked at the box containing his online order.
FLASHBACK!
"I hate to admit it," Cyril looked at his new shoes. "But Archer was right. Shoes do fit better when you get them from a cordwainer."
He looked at an Italian man in a store. "I want you to make me three more of these in brown, black and gray. Oh, what the hell? Give me a fourth one in tan for the summer."
FLASHBACK!
"Chi you are a master," Cyril looked at his nails as he was getting a pedicure. He was wearing a fluffy white robe in an expensive salon. "Totally worth the thousand dollars."
FLASHBACK!
Cyril was a very fancy strip club with two lap dancers. "You ladies take credit cards, right?" He asked.
FLASHBACK!
"Wow," Cyril was in a fancy hotel room drinking from an expensive bottle. "Champagne does taste better when you embezzle it."
He looked out the window to the view of Las Vegas. "I tell you. Going to Vegas on a weekday is better than going on a weekend. Cheaper fare. Not as much traffic. The best part is since all those other slackers are goofing off somewhere. They think I'm either at work or at home. So…"
FLASHBACK!
"VIVA LAS VEGAS BABY!" Cyril whooped as he threw the dice at the crap table. People cheered as he won.
FLASHBACK!
Cyril was sitting in a theater. "Wow Frankie Valli has still got it!" Cyril grinned as he listened to the show.
FLASHBACK!
Cyril was lying in bed with a beautiful blonde prostitute in his hotel room. "You take credit cards, right?"
FLASHBACK!
Cyril was coming back to LA in the first-class section of a plane. He was drinking champagne.
"So, this is what it's like to be Archer?" Cyril remarked. "I gotta admit. I like it."
"I like it even more because he's in a coma."
FLASHFORWARD!
"Look Lana, stamps and sweater vests don't pay for themselves!" Cyril snapped.
"You bought sweater vests?" Lana was stunned. "God even your embezzlement is boring."
"Would you prefer I used the card for lap dances?" Cyril asked sarcastically. "Maybe a trip to Vegas?"
"I see your point," Lana groaned. "Wait, did you?"
"I'm too boring remember?" Cyril defended himself. "The problem at hand is when Cheryl finds out we've been using her credit card for our gain…"
"What do you mean we?" Lana barked. "Why would I or anyone else but you get blamed for what you did?"
"As I said not even five minutes ago," Cyril said. "Your salaries for one. Not to mention refreshments for the Fifty Shades of Rosé Club out there. And remember that little fundraising thing a few days ago?"
FLASHBACK!
"AJ's school is hosting a fundraiser?" Ray asked as the Figgis Agency met in the bullpen. "What happened? Did some millionaire on the board pull their kid out of school?"
Lana sighed. "One was arrested for insider trading and another transferred to a company in Boston. Anyway, the school is raising money for a new mediation center…"
"A meditation center?" Krieger asked. "At a preschool?"
"It's a bar for the teacher's lounge isn't it?" Pam asked. "Because that's the only meditation center they need."
"No, it's an actual meditation center," Lana sighed. "Whoever sells the most gets a patch and a prize. Apparently, the patch itself is a big thing…"
"What are they selling?" Ray asked. "Candy?"
"That's not good for children," Lana said. "They're selling caviar and champagne."
"Fish eggs and alcohol," Ray quipped. "Much better for children!"
"Whatever happened to wrapping paper and magazines?" Pam asked.
"They're selling magazines too," Lana said as she showed another catalog. "They cater to a…certain clientele."
"Yacht Monthly," Cyril looked at the labels. "Better Mansions and Gardens. Private Island Life. Ultimate First-Class Travel. Good Maid Keeping. Rich Woman's World. Time Is Money. Wealth. Ebony Wealth. Pan-Asia Wealth. Riqueza."
"I guess those last ones are catered to wealthy people of color," Ray said. "Nice to see they're diversifying."
"I think we should get some of the magazines," Pam said. "Might give a little class to the office."
"You just want to read something different when you're screwing around don't you?" Ray asked.
"I think it's a good thing to broaden our horizons," Pam said.
"Just give me the order form," Cyril sighed. "I think I can order a few things."
"Can we afford anything on the list?" Lana asked as they others left the room.
Cyril secretly pulled out Cheryl's credit card from his pocket. "I think we can manage."
FLASHFORWARD!
"You're telling me…?" Lana gasped.
"That little patch AJ just got for being one of the top sellers?" Cyril gave her a look. "Yup. All because of Cheryl's credit card. Well that and the fact this office is getting some interesting magazines out of the deal. And that champagne is nice…"
"Okay I get it," Lana groaned. "We're screwed."
"Oh well that's helpful!" Cyril snapped.
"Hey guys we have a problem," Pam called out.
"Another one?" Cyril groaned as they left the office.
"What happened now?" Lana asked.
"You won't believe this!" Ray said. The other members of the Figgis Agency were sitting around the bullpen.
"Try me," Cyril said. "I'm extremely gullible."
"One of my stupid accountants has been embezzling money from my company!" Cheryl said.
"What?" Cyril and Lana said at the same time.
"Apparently he was using a couple of company credit cards and buying all sorts of shit," Cheryl grumbled.
"Really?" Cyril asked. "How did they find out?"
"Apparently one of the lower level accountants discovered it," Cheryl said. "And went over his head to my board of directors. Apparently, he's been buying trips to Vegas, champagne and stamps for years!"
"Stamps are expensive," Krieger pointed out.
"Yeah especially rare collectors' items," Cheryl said. "When the Feds raided his house, they found a whole bunch of rare stamps in tons of books, receipts from trips to Vegas, receipts from prostitutes, expensive clothes…They found a lot of sweater vests!"
"Sweater vests you say?" Cyril asked casually. "Wow…What are the odds?"
"Well they were cashmere," Cheryl said. "Anyway, the stupid accountant fled the country with ten million dollars!"
Meanwhile…
"MORT GIMBLESON IS GOING TO BELIZE BABY!" A nerdy accountant whooped as he piloted a yacht in the ocean with two very pretty women at his side. "First Mate Bunny! First Mate Tiffany! Break out the embezzlement champagne!"
Back to the Figgis Agency…
"I think you're safe on the accountant front Cyril," Lana whispered to him.
"Well this news is stupid and boring," Cheryl said. "How about we all go to lunch now? I'm buying!"
"Are you actually buying or just saying that to get us to go?" Ray asked.
"Actually buying," Cheryl said. "Well technically my company is. I got an invite to some fancy new hotel we're buying. I figured that you, Pam and Krieger can join me."
"Sounds good," Pam said as she got up.
"What about Lana and me?" Cyril snapped.
"What about you?" Cheryl laughed.
"Burn!" Ray snorted.
"Ray!" Lana snapped.
"Sorry Lana," Ray shrugged.
"And we're not going to be back for a couple of days so…" Cheryl shrugged.
"Swell," Cyril grumbled.
"Oh, before I forget," Cheryl took something out of her pocketbook. "Cyril, I got a new credit card from my company. Now I want you to use this card whenever I hire you to do stuff for us. And obviously every month for my payment for this agency's services."
"You're just giving me your company credit card?" Cyril asked as he took it.
"Yeah it saves me so much time using it myself," Cheryl said. "Taking it out. Taking it back. That's time I should be spending on me. I've got like three others and I told my company to just accept everything you charge. Just makes life easier."
"It does," Cyril said honestly.
"See you in about two or three or four days," Cheryl said as the others left. "Oh, what the hell? Make it a week! Bye!"
"Ciao bitches," Pam giggled as they left leaving Lana and Cyril alone.
"Wow," Lana blinked. "I mean wow…"
"I know right?" Cyril asked. "Wanna go to Vegas for a couple of days? I'm sure Ron would be happy to watch AJ."
"Separate rooms," Lana said. "Cheryl's credit card pays for everything."
"Fine," Cyril shrugged. "I'll even treat you to a shopping spree. But we go to dinner and a show together."
"I pick the restaurant," Lana said. "Who's playing?"
"Frankie Valli's good," Cyril mused. "Wait Boys 2 Men has a show. We could see them."
"Deal," Lana shook Cyril's hand.