Spoof Riddle Diaries
Dear Diary
My voice is doing odd things, and I fell lonely and confused all the time. I've begun a poem about it.
"Why do nice girls hate me?"
That's all I have gotten, but I'm sure I've the soul of a true poet! Why does no one understand me?
Dear Diary,
Oh Joyous day! I have finally lost my lisp. Unfortunately my Parseltongue is suffering from it, but at least I'm not being made fun of anymore.
I've added a new line to my poem:
"Why do nice girls ignore my pain?"
There is genius in my words, but I am doomed, a first class poet, never to be understood.
Dear Diary,
I'm in love! There is a beautiful, but smart a couple of years above me. I think her name is Minerva. I don't know her second name though. O how brilliant she is. Her hair is always up in a tight bun, but I'm hoping she'll wear it down for the ball soon. Maybe I should ask her out? Do you think she'll accept? I mean... I'm only a few years younger... I know! I'll start bumping into her accidently, see what she says.
Oh well, wish me luck
Dear Diary,
Minerva asked me why I kept bumping into her, and suggested a specialist in London. :(
How sad I am! I have added to my poem:
"Why do nice girls think I have balance Impairments?"
So sad so true
Dear Diary,
My heart has moved pass that fickle Minerva lass. [Insert tear drop here] I don't need her anyway! I'm special, and someday everyone that was mean to me will know I am special, and THEN THEY'LL BE SORRY!
Have added a couplet to my poem:
"Why do nice girls think I'm weird,
And shall I ever grow a beard?"
Dear Diary,
Today I saw Squirrel running up a tree and it filled me so full of joy that I have decided to spread the words of the lord around London. Never again will I utter a bad word about anyone. I pledge to help the needy, to be kind to everyone and live my life doing good wherever I am needed.
Actually, scrap that, they've taken 'Top of the Pops' off, everyone must die.
Dear Diary,
My angry letter to the BBC has been replied to by a note:
"Your Vulgar and threatening letter regarding 'Top of the Pops has been passed to the police, and you can expect them to call to your residence immediately."
Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to give them the Hogwarts address.
Alas, it doesn't matter. I have found love with- Dorea Black, a flowering beauty who does not seem to mind my speech impairments and my lack of chest hair.
Poem updated:
"Why do nice girls ne'er smile at me?"
See I used an example of OLD English, there. That MUST mean I'm talented.
Dear Diary,
Whoopsies... turns out Dorea Black likes a country singer named Tom Fiddle. I needn't have embarrassed myself with the song-and-dance number done atop the Slytherin table at lunch table yesterday.
I've added more to the poem, coming after the line "Why do nice girls ne'er smile at me." Here is goes, "When I walk by, they run up a tree."
Yes, I have suddenly got a sudden ring fixation... I should NOT have gone to that LOTR role-playing camp last summer. (I was Gollum.) PRECIOUSSSS!
Dear Diary,
I think I am doomed to be lonely. First Minerva, then Dorea...
Plus, Professor Dippet had a few quiet words with me about the Top of the Pops thing. I say a few quiet words. What he actually said was along the lines of "You ever do that again and I'll smash your ***** face in!"
He is a nice man.
Poem update: Why do nice girls never comb my silky locks?"
*Le sight*... Thinking of changing my name to Vol – actually, no, that's stupid. Tom Allen Poe! That's better...
Dear Diary,
I contacted the courts about changing my name today but I'm not sure if I want to known as Tom Allen Poe for the rest of my life, maybe I should think about it some more.
I ran into Minerva today completely by accident but I don't think she was very impressed. Remind me to get my underpants from the top of North Tower.
P.S. I added another line to my poem, "Why is it so drafty under my cloak? O why can't I be someone's bloke?"
Dear Diary,
New line to poem: "Why do nice girls date the wrong'uns?"
I have decided, in order to make this diary famous, to kill myself. All the famous diarists died before they were published... Big Bird... Jim Davidson... and so, I will throw myself clear off North Tower!
EDIT: Scrap that, I've found a Basilisk.
Dear Diary,
Minerva's dad sent me a Howler telling me off for bothering his daughter. I enclose a transcription.
"Dear Twerp stalking my daughter,
Clear off, you git, or I'll come after ye myself and I'll give you what for, so I will!
Sincerely,
Minerva's Father and his handy rifle gun.
Have added to my poem in reference to this event, I think I'm getting better at rhyming.
"WHY the dads of nice girls with shot guns?"
Dear Diary,
I have added another line to my incredible poem: "Why do nice girls put their hair in buns and why do I feel like I ain't got no chums?"
Today was a good day; first I was named the best prefect in Slytherin, then I had a nice talk to my new Basilisk which I called Rosy Fluffy Slyther! Then Minnie (my new pet-name for Minerva) apologized to me but I said something and she slapped me. Oh, well. Oh, woe is me! My talents shall never be shown and Rosy said I shouldn't be called Tom Allen Poe, maybe Tom Cutie Einstein?
Tom Riddle
P.S. My mother was Ugly! Woe is me!
Dear Diary,
Minnie doesn't like me; I think someday I'll find someone who looks like her and posses her...
Anyway, that big oaf Hagrid found an acromantuala. Maybe I can blame him for something...
New line added to poem: "Why do nice girls slap me?"
Writing of which, I present a transcript of my masterfully beautiful poem so far: "Why do nice girls hate me?" a partially completed story by Tom THE DARK LORD Riddle (Maybe that should be my poetry nom de plume. Maybe if I give her this poem, she would like me again... or for the first time...)
"Why do nice girls hate me?
Why do nice girls ignore my pain?
Why do nice girls think I have balance impairments?
Why do nice girls think I'm weird?
And shall I ever grow a beard?
Why do nice girls ne'er smile at me?
When I walk by they run up a tree.
Why is it so drafty under my cloak?
O why can't I be someone's bloke?
Why do nice girls date the wrong'uns?
WHY the dads of nice girls with shot guns?
Why do nice girls put their hair in buns?
And why do I feel like I ain't got no chums?
Why do nice girls slap me?
Dear Diary,
People are so stupid. I hate them. No one understands me! They think they know me, but they don't know me! Have considered going Goth to show how deep I am. I have also composed a sonnet to my beloved basilisk, the only one who knows how I feel. Which is, basically, a killing lust.
O basilisk of forked tongue,
Thy praises thus far gone unsung.
How wondrous fair thou art in truth,
Nibbling folk with poison tooth-
Thy eyes like limpid cess-pools be,
They hold entranced the bourgeoisie.
Thou and I in mouldering lair,
Shall evermore be laissez fair.
Now that I have sung thy praises,
Honour thee on jerks thy gazes?
Dear Diary,
Rosy Fluffy Slither got a little red bird stuck in her throat today. I had to stick my hand in and pull the nasty little thing out. I almost got poked with her fangs! Now she's scared of fiery red birds.
I'm thinking of publishing 'Why do nice girls hate me?' Hey Walt Whitman wrote reviews of his own poems!
Rosy Fluffy Slyther really isn't getting enough food. I think tomorrow I will sneak a roast pig down to her. I found a nice chamber in the basement of the school where she will be safe. The bad thing is the entrance is through the girl's bathroom! And it smells down there!
Tom
Dear Diary,
*Sigh* Good news and bad news... I found the most interesting place I have ever seen... it was if it was made by the hands of God himself. Of course, like I said, the entrance is through a girl's bathroom, and I only went once... luckily there were no girls in there... EEK! I would get cursed... or worse, Detention! Then I wouldn't be able to go to my beloved basilisk... hmmm, I think I will name him Sly... I've always liked that... hmmm, maybe not... are basilisks supposed to have names?
Your only love,
Tom
Dear Diary,
I have decided to change my name so I may strike fear into the hearts of those that I hate. How about Immortal Lord Dove? No, I didn't really like that either, maybe I should run it by Rosy.
Tom Marvolo Riddle
**If you do look at it, Immortal Lord Dove does rearrange into Tom Marvolo Riddle.