HAN

Han Solo shot C-3PO in his annoying robot face with his DL-44 blaster. Then he shot him in his gay robot chest twice. Finally he blasted the droid where his wiener would be if he wasn't a robot. He killed him because C-3PO is the most fucking annoying character in the entire Star Wars universe.

Han was wearing a white space-tunic below a brown leather speeder jacket that he won from a Howard Stern radio contest when he was 19 years old (he won it by sticking his wiener in a toaster for thirty seconds live on the air). He was also wearing his blue trousers with the stereotypical Corellian Blood Stripe and some black boots that he found on sale at the Gap last week. He smelled like bantha poodoo because the hot water heater hadn't worked on the Millennium Falcon since The Black Guy From Star Wars hosted a disco party and the fog machine had set off the fire sprinklers. Without hot water, Han Solo refused to shower.

Chewbacca sat in the copilot seat licking himself clean while his heterosexual life partner blasted the gay gold droid to bits beside him. He offered no reaction, that's how intensely focused he was on licking himself. He licked himself a lot. Especially when he saw that princess from Alderaan with the annoying voice. She was always bitching about something. He didn't like her very much. Chewie decided to rip her arms out of their sockets the next time he saw her.

Han blew the smoke from the barrel of his gun and sat awkwardly for a moment trying to think of a cool one-liner to say now that he had rid the galaxy of the annoying plague C-3PO. He couldn't think of anything so he pressed play on the console and Def Leppard started to play. Han really liked Def Leppard. But who could blame him? Def Leppard is pretty legit.

Then Han had to pee so he pulled the lever back on the hyperdrive and brought the ship into sub-space. "Chewie," he said, standing up, "take us to a full stop. I need to go make water." Chewie uttered a growl and did as he was told. Han never really understood what Chewie said, but since he was Corellian he had really good luck, so he was usually pretty good at guessing what Chewie was saying. In this case he guessed Chewie said 'Fuck off you asshole I'm trying to lick my dick.' It would turn out that he was right.

Han was in the back of the Falcon draining the main vein outside the window and into space when he heard his comlink ringing back in the cock pit so he hurried back to answer it, wiener flopping around all willy-nilly (giggity). He answered it. It was that guy who says Def Leppard sucks in Joe Dirt. "Def Leppard sucks!" he said to Han and abruptly hung up. In his rage, Han pounded his fist down on the console which haphazardly landed on the "launch" button for the torpedo bay, launching an aft torpedo.

As fate would have it, the Slave I lie in wait, aft of the Falcon. That was Boba Fett's ship. Since Boba Fett is the worst bounty hunter in the galaxy, that torpedo hit him and he blew up and died (again).

"Huh," said Han, pausing a moment. "I love this song!" Photograph was playing. It was Han's sixth favorite Def Leppard song. Or I guess you could say favourite if you're Canadian or English. Although to be fair, LibreOffice, my word processor, is telling me that "favourite" needs to be spell checked. So "favorite" was probably correct. Fuck off. But did you get the joke, though? After he blew up Boba Fett, he didn't pause because he blew up Boba Fett, he paused because of the Def Leppard song. It was a pretty good joke, I thought. One time, my buddy in high school tried to kill himself by hanging himself in his closet. His dad went into his room to check on him and saw him and said "oh my God! That's my shirt!" and moved my buddy out of the way to get his shirt from its hangar. That's a true story. That happened in the year 2000. The Boba Fett/Def Leppard joke was inspired by it.

Suddenly there was a flash of light in front of the ship. A ship several times larger than the Falcon emerged from hyperspace. It was designated NCC-1701 USS Enterprise. Han quickly checked Wikipedia to see what kind of ship it was, but some trolls had vandalized the page for it and written "DEF LEPPARD SUCKS" in all caps and bold right in the middle of the page. Han Solo really didn't understand the beef people had with Def Leppard. I mean, there were a lot more current and relevant artists for them to hate on, such as Kanye West, My Chemical Romance, Modest Muse, Simple Plan, HIM and Papa Roach. Although maybe Papa Roach aren't as current as they used to be.

The hailing frequency flashed. Chewie growled. Han guessed that he said 'It burns when I pee.' As it turns out, his guess was correct, but he wasn't sure why that was relevant to the current situation. Han answered the comm.

"This is James T. Kirk with the Starship Enterprise," came the voice from the other end. "Two whom am I speaking?"

"Wait a minute," came Han's response. "Did you just say 'two'? The correct spelling would have been 'to'."

"Well, uh," Kirk stumbled awkwardly, "my first officer Spock is admittedly a better speller than I am. I mean even this Japanese guy flying my ship is better at spelling."

"Oh myyyy," was George Takei's response.

"Anyway, who are you and what are you doing out here?"

"Well we were questing on Voss but we fucking hate it there." Han always stopped at Voss. He had never been past level 47 because of Voss alone. "I was on my way back to The Fleet to troll the general chat there. I was hoping the Rakghoul event was still going on so I could troll with that, too. But I had to stop and take a leak. The last time I peed out the window while in hyperspace I ended up getting piss all in my face. It was so gross. We don't have working hot water right now so I had to let Chewie lick my face clean."

"..." said Kirk.

Han replied with, "..."