All characters belong to their respective copyright holders. ~~This story is cross-posted on Ao3 under my pen name Shadows_of_Shemai
Headcanons
Tony staggered into the common room after a solid twenty-eight hours of work on his new suit's assembly protocols. He blinked numbly at the movie on the screen before he finally recognized one of the more recent Batman movies. "Alfred is totally Batman's dad," he remarked, startling Steve and drawing a raised eyebrow from Clint. Natasha ignored him but paused the movie for Steve.
"What?" Steve's brow furrowed in confusion. "But-"
"Look at it this way Cap, Batman's mom was a trophy wife and his supposed father was an idiot. Alfred on the other hand, is a BAMF. Of course Bruce Wayne got his awesome from him," Tony elaborated, waving his grease-stained hand to the screen.
Steve's brow lowered, "You don't see his parents for more than five minutes. Why would you say that?"
"I don't need more than five minutes," Tony shrugged. "Mr. Wayne is supposed to be a billionaire, why on earth was he walking with his wife and child down a dark alley in a bad neighborhood?"
Steve's jaw snapped shut and he looked down to his lap. "That still doesn't collaborate with the rest of what you said. Calling his mother a trophy wife is going too far," he muttered to his clenched fists.
Tony rolled his eyes and slumped against the back of the couch. "How about I put it this way; Pepper-while not my wife-is about as far from a trophy wife as you can get, agreed?"
When he got a reluctant nod, he continued. "What do you think Pepper would do if I tried to drag her down that alley? I'm pretty sure you can imagine what she'd say if I ignored the fact that I have a chauffeur, or the fact that most of the places I visit have valet parking. I'll give you a hint, it probably wouldn't be PG language." Tony grinned, raising a sardonic eyebrow.
Clint snickered, "He's got a point Cap."
"I'm still not agreeing about the infidelity." Steve thrust his jaw forward and scowled. "I'm not going to be naive and say it never happens, but your argument has no backing. There aren't any scenes of Alfred and Mrs. Wayne anywhere near each other!"
"Yeah, okay," Tony waved his hand. "I'm sure there are lots of people who will stick around and raise their former employer's whiny brat of a kid to maturity. And after that, support them with all their plans and goals well past retirement age."
Clint smirked and gave a half bow to Tony from his spot on the love-seat, "Headcanon accepted. Not much good arguing with a genius, Steve."
Steve's mouth puckered like he'd chewed a lemon wedge. He flinched as Tony spoke again, fearing what other horrible slander he'd smear across the fictional hero.
"Ya know," the billionaire's voice slurred a bit, his exhaustion catching up to him. He jerked his head to the paused image of Batman. "It always bothered me that the movie producers made the area around their eyes totally black like that. Is half of his dressing up smearing black perfectly around his eyes?" He peered down at Steve, a gleam of speculation filling them. "You wear a mask Steve, maybe you ought to try it out and-"
"Tony!" Pepper shouted from behind him. He staggered drunkenly as he turned to meet her stern glare. "You told me you were going straight to bed!"
"Um… right, bed." He shuffled towards his private elevator and called back. "You ought to give it a try Capsicle, I'm sure you'd rock the blue eye shadow."
"Please don't," Pepper sighed, patting the bewildered captain on the shoulder as she followed the weary engineer.
Steve sat in silence, Clint and Natasha watched him silently. Steve's eyes flicked to the screen and he snorted, "He's right though, the make-up around the eyes is kind of stupid."