Author's Notes: I'll start by saying this is not my idea. This was a Simpsons Halloween special that aired in 94 or 95. I recently bought the DVD with this particular episode because I believe it was one of the best episodes ever compiled for the series. That being said, wouldn't it be fun if we took that episode and replaced all of the Simpsons characters with ones from Metropolis? No? Well to bad, I'm writing it anyway...
Disclaimer: (see above)
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Enmy walks out from behind a red curtain. She is alone and a spotlight beams down on her.
Enmy: Hello and welcome to this years Metropolis Halloween Special.
Rock in the audience: Woo! Yeah! Metropolis! (takes off shirt, spins it around)
Everyone: .........
Duke Red: Sit your stupid ass down.
Enmy: Now, I must warn you parents out there that this Halloween Special is very scary. So, if you have little ones running around, you may want to tuck them into bed. (stage hand gives her a note, she reads it) Oh dear.... it appears this episode is SO scary, that Congress won't even let us show it! Instead they suggested the 1947 classic movie 200 miles to Oregon.
Rock: Hey, this movie isn't scary...
Duke Red: Shh! Quiet! I'm trying to watch cowboys spit in buckets.
(scared yet?)
..
Part 1: The Shinning (shin-ning)
Tuesday
Duke Red, Tima, Rock, Enmy, and grandpa Red (Duke Red's father) are driving on a long and narrow road on a mountain side. They're on their way to President Boon's winter lodge in a deep wooded area.
Duke Red: Well, it's been a long trip, but we're finally almost there.
Enmy: Sir, did you remember to lock the front door before we left?
Duke Red: Ah, crap!
WednesdayDuke Red: Well, it's been two long trips, but we're finally almost there again.
Enmy: When you locked the front door, did you remember to lock the back door?
Duke Red: CRAP!
ThursdayDuke Red: ........
Enmy: .........
Tima: Oh no! We left grandpa back at the gas station!
Duke Red: .......
Enmy: ........
Tima: .....What about grandpa?
The car pulls into the drive way of President Boon's lodge (is it just me or does that sound really dirty?). They all get out of the car and look up at the giant winter home. Boon is peering out of one of the top windows.
Boon: Look, Lamp. The sea monkeys I ordered have arrived.
Lamp: Sir, those are the winter care takers for the lodge. You asked them to stay for a month to look after the place while you were on vacation.
Boon: Ah yes.... and what a winter it will be.... (evil smile)
(Uh Oh! He's plotting something!)
Scene 2Boon is showing Duke Red and the others around his lodge (I'm gonna stop saying that now).
Boon: Now this house has a very interesting and colorful history. It was built on ancient Indian burial grounds, was involved in satanic rituals, witch burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials.
Duke Red: (shudder) Auuugh, John Denver...
They get to the elevator. The doors of the elevator open and blood comes pouring out.
Boon: Hm. That's odd. Usually the blood gets off on the second floor.
Scene 3Lynny is outside the lodge watering a giant hedge maze. Rock uses an electric saw to make a passage right through the shrubbery walls instead of trying to find his way through it.
Rock: Hey! I found a short cut through your hedge maze!
Lynny: Grrr.... why you little...!
Lynny's brain: No. Don't yell at him. Remember, his father's going to go crazy, and chop all of them into haggis!
Rock: What's
Lynny: (gasp) You read my mind! Boy, you've got the shinning!
Rock: Don't you mean shine-ing?
Lynny: Shh! (shifty eyes) You wanna get sued? Now listen, if your dad goes gaga, you just use that SHIN of yours, and I'll come running. But don't be reading my mind between 4 and 5! That's Lynny's time!
Scene 4After Lamp brings twelve crates of beer out to the President's car, he then cuts the cord for the cable.
Boon: Excellent. By making sure that all alcoholic beverages are out of the house, and that cable won't rot their minds, I can ensure a period of hard and diligent winter work from my care takers.
Lamp: (closes trunk) Sir, did you ever think that maybe it was doing THIS that caused the previous care takers to go insane and murder their families?
Boon: Hm, maybe you're right. Tell you what, we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a coke. (They drive away in the car)
Scene 5Duke Red is on the couch, Rock and Tima are playing Scrabble, and Enmy in ironing some clothes.
Rock: A ha! That's 20 points for me!
Tima: That's not even a word!
Rock: Isn't it?
Tima: DAAAAD! Rock's being weird again!
Duke Red: Rock, stop being weird. Tima, stop whining. Enmy, isn't my shirt done yet?
Enmy: Sorry, but the plug to the iron won't fit into any of the electrical sockets. (puts iron next to a lamp to heat it up) Yeah, this may take a while....
Duke Red: (picks up clicker, flips through channels, every channel is static) Hm. What do ya know. Cable's out. (walks into kitchen) I think I'll go get a beer. (opens fridge) Hm. No beer either. (calmly closes door)
Enmy: Sir, I'm very proud! You're taking this well.
Duke Red: I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you!!!
Rock and Tima: AHHHH!!!
Enmy: Sir?
Duke Red: Sorry, sorry. I'll just take a walk around the house to clear my head. Maybe I'll go check out that ax collection. (closes kitchen door, opens it again, sticks his head in) See you later.... heh, heh, heh....(closes door)
Tima: Enmy, is my dad going to kill us?
Enmy: We'll just have to wait and see.
Scene 6Duke Red is sitting at the bar in the lodge's abandon ballroom. Suddenly, a ghost of HamEgg appears.
HamEgg: Hey Red. So, what'll it be?
Duke Red: Meh, just gimme a beer.
HamEgg: No.
Duke Red: No?
HamEgg: Not unless you kill your family.
Duke Red: Why should I kill my family?
HamEgg: Ummm... (thinks of reason) They'd be much happier as ghosts.
Duke Red: You don't look so happy.
HamEgg: Oh I'm happy. I'm very happy! La la la da dee doo! Now waste your family and I'll give you a beer! (shakes fist)
Scene 7Rock is snooping around a large study looking for the Duke. It's dark and thundering outside.
Rock: Dad? Daddy? (sees a single typewriter on a table) What he's typed will be a window into his madness. (reads what the Duke has typed)
feelin' fine.
Rock: Well, that's a relief.
There is a crash of thunder and a flash of lighting. The lighting illuminates the dark room making the walls visible. On all of the walls written hundreds of times in red are the words No beer and no T.V make Duke Red go crazy.
Rock: Hmmm. This is less encouraging.
Duke Red: (kicks down door) BOO!!!
Rock: AHHH!!!
Duke Red: So what do ya think, Rock? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of No beer and no T.V make Duke Red go.... uhhhh.... something... something....
Rock: Go crazy?
Duke Red: Don't mind if I do!!! WAAAAAAGAL Mumph POT SCITATAL SCHMOOKIEDAN UN GABBA GABBA WOO WOO WOO WOO!!!!! (running around flailing arms everywhere)
Rock: AHHHHHH!!!! (runs away in fear, breaks glass case with a bat inside, case reads break incase of parental insanity. Rock grabs the bat and runs up a long flight of stairs, swinging the bat at Duke Red who is close behind him)
Duke Red: Gimme the bat Rock! C'mon, gimme the bat! Gimme the bat bo bwua waa!!! Muah haa haaa! Scaredy cat! (makes a weird face, looks in mirror next to stairs) AHHHH!!! (looses balance, falls down stairs and gets knocked out)
Rock: (drags Duke Red into the food pantry) Now you stay here till you're no longer insane. (looks on one of the shelves) Alright! Sloppy Joe mix! (skips out happily)
Scene 8Duke Red is sitting on the floor eating all the food in the pantry. There is a knock on the door.
HamEgg: Red? It's me. Listen, some of the other ghouls and I are worried that the project hasn't fully taken off yet.
Duke Red: Can't murder now. Eating.
HamEgg: Oh for God's sake... (HamEgg, bigfoot, count choculla, the wolfman, some random mummy, and Kathy Lee burst open the pantry door and drag Duke Red away)
Scene 9Duke Red: (chops a hole in a door with an ax, sticks his head in) Heeeeeeere's Dukie!!! (realizes the room is empty) Damnit!
Scene 10Duke Red: (chops a hole in another door, sticks his head in) Daaaaaavid Letterman!!!
Grandpa Red: Hi David, I'm grandpa!
Duke Red: DAMNIT!
Scene 11Duke Red: (chops a hole through third and final door, sticks his head in, holds up ticking pocket watch) I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley! All this with Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!!!
Enmy, Rock and Tima: AHHHHH!!!!!
The three dash up from the kitchen table and run down the hall, an ax wielding Duke Red close behind them. They run into a small room and lock the door. Enmy picks up a radio communicator.
Enmy: Hello, police? My boss is on a murderous rampage! Over.
Inspector Tawashi: (listening to the incoming emergency) Well thank God that's over. I was starting to get worried there. (switches off radio)
Enmy: There's no answer!
Rock: Don't worry. I can use my....(dramatic pause) SHINNING to call Lynny. (furrows his eyebrows in thought and concentration)
Meanwhile...
Lynny is sitting in her bed watching a small, portable television.
Reporter on T.V: ....and that was the first time she ever flew a plane...
Lynny: (jumps out of bed) Oh no! The boy and his family are in trouble! (runs out of house and into the snow wearing her pajamas, throws portable television in the snow) I'm coming to rescue the lot of ya!
Lynny: (bursts through door of lodge) Alright ya looney bin! Show me what you got!
Duke Red: (stabs her in the back with an ax)
Lynny: Augh! Is that the best you can do? (falls over dead, gets blood all over a rug)
Enmy: (hiding behind a curtain with Tima and Rock) Oh dear... I hope that rug was scotch guarded.
Duke Red: (takes a new ax off wall) Must....kill.....everyone.....
Enmy, Tima and Rock run out of the house into the cold and snow, Duke Red close behind them. Tima trips and falls over. Luckily, it happened to be at the exact spot that Lynny threw her portable television. As Duke Red lifts up the ax, Tima holds up the television set, fully functional and turned on.
Tima: Dad! Look!!!
Duke Red: (gasps, drops the ax, grabs the T.V) TELEVISION! Teacher! Mother! Secret lover.... (shifty eyes) My urge to kill....fading..... fading...... RISING!!!..... fading....... fading......... gone.
Enmy, Tima and Rock: (sigh in relief)
Duke Red: Come, my friends. Sit in the snow with me and let us all bask in televisions warm glowing warming glow.
3 Hours LaterAll four of them are still sitting in the snow watching the T.V. All their limbs are frozen in place.
Announcer: Live from Broadway, it's The Tony Awards!
Rock: Dad! Change channel!
Duke Red: Can't! Frozen!
(Horrible singing and dancing commence on the T.V. screen)
Duke Red: Urge to kill........rising.......
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Author's Notes: This will be updated quickly, just to get it out of the way and continue working on more important stories. But, send reviews if you want to see Duke Red travel through time and Rock's evil twin brother that lives in the attic. Toodle loo.