Trust
Trust. What's the point in that?
I couldn't even trust my own flesh and blood, my brother, today.
Wasn't it just a word? Simply and meaningless. And still so overrated.
„I trust you.", three simple words.
Why couldn't I just say them, why did they feel so wrong?
The answer to that was quite aware to me. Because trust takes.
More than most of us are willing to give. More than I am willing to give. Maybe even more than I can give.
Isn't it quite more important to be willing to trust, than voice these words? Who trusts, gives power.
Power over a part from oneself. A part, to which I didn't grant anybody access.
Not since Katherine. Not since 145 years.
Am I really willing to give her of all people that part? Am I able to that?
All these years I chose the easier way, the safer.
I didn't even think about trusting others. Giving them the power to hurt me, to betray me.
To doubt was easier. It didn't bring any risks along.
No pain, no disappointmens, no feelings at all.
Should I really take exactly that risk again?
Get involved with somebody again?
To expose one single person so much of me?
Should I really give her of all people this power? Just Katherines match?
It wasn't just about her. It was about me.
About if I should admit, giving her the power to destroy me.
Destroying a part of me, that was already broken.
About if I could find the strength to survive this.
About if I could abide giving one person so much.
Knowing that I knew nothing.
Was she worth finally letting my walls down? To open up to her, to trust her?
Was she really worth feeling again?
After all the pain, all the disappointments and the suppressed feelings?
Would I be strong enough, or rather, would I be able to summon up the courage for that?
It wasn't only about Elena anymore.
This decision was about me as well, it depended only on me
Depended on, if I really were willing to get myself into that.
Into all the pain and feelings, that this decision would bring along.
Or if I still wanted to feel nothing at all. Nothing but the engaging, devounding emptiness.
The question was, if I wanted to conserve my humanity or lose it forever.
And all those questions amounted to only one answer.
An answer which had nothing in common with sanity anymore.
If I would ever trust again, only her. Elena.
Because while I was secretly already willing to place my trust in Elena, I doubt myself sort of.
That's, what has been in my way all along.