For my friend Max, an incredibly strong and thoughtful person, who has recently experienced a loss in his own life.
Post Script to AN- While this was written before the Orlando shooting, many themes do carry over. My heart and love goes out to all affected by that tragedy. (Which, quite frankly, is everyone.)
Tic. Toc. Tic. Toc. Tic….Toc.
Another minute farther.
She knew it was nowhere near healthy. She had learned from experience that the only thing there really is to do is to push forward. But every minute. Every second that passed was one tic… or one toc… farther. Farther from him, and farther from the way of living she thought she could count on after the way of living she once knew, the way on Tamaran, fell apart. On Tamaran death at a young age was commonplace. Expected even. Anything else was a pleasant surprise. But here was something else. Here… death was a tragedy. And the Titans never condoned killing, even of their worst and most dangerous enemies. It was quite different. It was quite beautiful. But, sadly, it was not the way of life for everyone.
It happened so fast. It always happened so fast but even compared to her past experiences this was particularly… well, sudden. As if it happened in a second. And with every tic… and every toc... she winced at the thought that this could be the second it happens again… to another member of her new family. Of course it wouldn't happen in the same way… but even this time it wasn't supposed to have happened at all. The impact shouldn't have killed him. It didn't… directly… but something about a valve. A valve… a broken valve… or a leak in a valve… regardless, they had said they were fixing it. The best scientists and surgeons in the city had been called in to work together… none of the Titans knew enough to save him… and no one knew what skills exactly would be needed to save him. Six people in total, all with different specialties, working together… with one common goal. But it wasn't enough.
Something must have gone wrong… there is no way the best in the city could have lost someone without some sort of foul play. Or even an innocent mistake, but a deadly one of course.
No. She couldn't, and shouldn't, keep thinking this way. No signs of… what was the word… malpractice… yes, that was it… had been found. She could not blame the surgeons or scientists. And her friends had done all they could. But perhaps she could have… if she had just flown faster, maybe got in front of the beam and… No. This had to stop. If he were here, he would want her to stop immediately. There was nothing she could have done.
Tic. Toc….Tic...
That was enough. Starfire threw the clock against her wall and allowed her body to curl into itself on her bed. She knew she should be there for the others. They had a tendency to blame themselves as well. Perhaps she should make some pudding of tragedy. The pudding of sadness had not helped in the past, and this day was far worse anyway. No one would eat it. But she could try.
In a minute. She could try in a minute. Because despite what many people thought, her happiness was not endless. She could try, but only in a minute. In a minute, she could try. In a minute, she would try.
It happened again. Maybe it was him. Maybe it wasn't the thug they were fighting, or the doctors, and it certainty wasn't his friend... maybe he was the poison. I mean, come on, no matter where he went, anyone who got too close to him died. His parents died… Terra, well, she was basically dead. If it weren't for the Titans everyone on the Doom Patrol would be dead. And there were others. The Titans didn't need to know about them though. No. No. He was the happy one. He was the one with the never failing smile who had to keep telling jokes that no one understood and no one cared about because deep down he knew that if he let the smile falter for even a second then he would just start screaming and destroying everything in his path because no matter how hard he tried he couldn't save a single darn person he was close to! Strangers, oh, he'd saved plenty of strangers, but when it came to family then all of a sudden he froze like the scared, helpless idiot he was when he watched his parents' boat go over the edge.
His friend would say it wasn't his fault. If he were here, he'd say it wasn't anyone's fault. And he was right. But that didn't stop the sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach whenever he realized that no matter how desperately he wanted his friend to walk in his door and say this was all just some sick prank and no one was actually hurt… he knew that wouldn't happen.
He didn't think when they told him. He'd gone numb. And when he got back to the Tower, he went back to his room… still numb. And with no rhyme or reason destroyed the whole darn room. And he laughed. He laughed like a crazy person and he hated himself because he shouldn't be laughing, why was he laughing?, oh that's right, because no matter how many fights they had at the end of the day the person he was just told had died was the closest thing he would ever have to a brother! And now he wasn't coming back. He shouldn't have gotten that close.
Of course it would happen one of the core team… of course this would happen to his family, of course…
he had to stop. Beast Boy collapsed onto the broken pieces of bed and desk and window that just this morning had made up his room. He took a deep breath, letting the searing pain that was ripping at his sides from his sick laughter creep up into his throat until his lips quivered and he just let go. If there was anything he had learned from the series of tragedies he had lived through… it was that all you could do was let yourself fall apart, so that you had pieces to rebuild with.
And he knew that part of rebuilding mean facing the team. He had to reconnect. He should probably go find someone… they could cry together… though he didn't know which of them to go to. But he would go nonetheless. But in a few minutes. He needed a few minutes to himself, first.
She was alive; the Earth was alive, and yet, he was dead. The irony of the situation was sickening: one of the few people who had believed in her when she didn't even believe in herself died while she kept on living. For what? What was the point of it all anyway? He was the first to make her feel welcomed. Despite all their differences, they were able to communicate. He knew when to give her space but also knew when to force himself in, a trait she was endlessly grateful for. But of course that was all over now.
She was surprised she hadn't destroyed her whole room. She probably should have been on the brink of succumbing to her powers' strength, especially considering she hadn't meditated yet, but she would not allow it. That is not what he would have wanted. He would want her to feel her feelings, learn from them, and go on. He would want the team together, not another tragedy of them breaking apart. So she just let the pain overtake her. She let the pain take control, just for a little while, which unexpectedly enough bypassed her powers entirely and instead caused a steady stream of tears she had chosen to forget she had. She forced any bad thoughts… any dangerous thoughts, whether dangerous to others or herself, to be washed away by them.
She did not quite know how she would go on, but she knew that is what she had to do. Since she did not quite have the strength or will to do it for herself at that moment, she decided to do it for him, just until she would become able to want happiness for herself again.
She wanted to leave her room, but was terrified of what would happen if she did loose control. Since their rooms were directly adjacent, she had heard Beast Boy break down, though she could not tell if he was laughing or crying. Everyone processes in their own way, so it did not matter which; she wanted to check on him, to check on all of them so that she could be there for her family.
Raven brought the pillow on her bed closer to her and hugged it against her chest. She would grieve by herself for a few minutes, but no more. He would not want her to be alone any longer than was necessary. So she would go out, in a few minutes.
Sitting at his desk, he looked at a picture he had taken out of his friend's room. All five of them were there, smiling (or, smirking, in Raven's case) up at him. This picture had watched over his friend every night as he slept.
He set the picture on his desk. He knew he had a terrible tendency to blame things on himself. And over-analyze the situation. And shut out the world. But he was determined not to do that this time.
Of course this was not the first death he had to deal with. And, while he wondered if his friends realized this, it would not be the last either. He supposed it was up to him to fill in his friend's file in the Titans database to reflect the cause and time of his death. He would get to it. There was a lot to be done now. Cleaning out his room would be hard. But there was no need to rush to do that, if they even decided to do it. Everything would get done in time.
He was not sure if he would fill the role his friend had played or not. Perhaps they should just leave the hole be. The right way would become clear eventually. For now, he decided to simply reflect. Reflect on what his friend meant to the team, to his family… to him. He jotted down a list of small ways they could honor their friend, and ensure that he remained an active force in their lives even without being there physically. Perhaps they would soon have a barbeque in the park. They would be sure to play football with his own ball, being extra careful to not let it be destroyed. But… those things would come. For now they needed to remember him in a more quiet way. One that would reflect and respect the pain they all felt, but ultimately… he hoped… would leave them feeling lighter in the end.
He needed to gather the team. Even though everyone probably expected to him to be locked in his office for days, he decided he would be the one to bring everyone together. To talk. To process, as a family.
Robin put his list to the side and gazed at the picture once more. Cyborg had been a brother to him. To everyone. He had to gather his family. But, for just a few minutes, he did need to be alone. Resting his head in his arms on top of the desk, he did what no one thought he ever did. He cried.
Five hours after the Titans had returned from the lab and parted ways to escape to their own rooms, they found themselves united again in the Common Room. It was dark out by then and the night was cool and calm. Life went on in the city, and the waves continued their rhythmic beat against the rocks below. But inside, in a circle on the floor, four teens paused everything to remember their friend. No one knew how to start the conversation, but that feeling in itself was enough to bridge the gap between each of them. They cried together, and laughed as they shared fun memories of their friend.
No one could ever replace Cyborg. But there was no need to replace him. Simply to remember. And to embrace the ways he continued to impact their lives for the better. After all, that is what he would have wanted.
I heard a saying once— I don't know who said it, but it goes something like this: The funny thing about death, is that it's really only painful for the living. For the dead, the pain is over. They are at peace.