Hi everyone! You are probably waiting for the next chapter of Say Your Love, but I'm having some problems with that story due to school and the loss of my USB-stick which contained a large part of the second chapter – and every story I ever wrote. Yes I have a back-up, but it wasn't up to date so I still lost a lot of pieces of several stories.
Anyhow, this story is based on a song which is well-known in my country. It's a pretty sad song about a man who has to tell the woman he is together with that he doesn't love her anymore. This fic though won't follow that story, but it'll stick to the lyrics ;) Speaking of lyrics I translated it from Dutch to English so some sentences might seem a little awkward because really, translating lyrics is damn hard xdd
Genre; romance, tragedy.
Rated; T
Words; 4.185
Enjoy the story!
I think of what you feel,
I think of how you laugh,
I think of all the love you've given me,
and of what you expect,
of what you think of me,
and how you live for me.
In a way he'd seen this coming. Haibara had had her slip ups from time to time, acting a little more negative and passive than the situation required. Those were probably the first signs of what she'd just told him.
The second sign had been just after the take down. Within the Black Organization's headquarters were tons of labs containing research of all kinds, but most importantly all the data that existed of Apotoxin 4869. The researchers hadn't tampered with it nor were there any further developments in the whole process so everything had stayed pretty much the same way Sherry had left it.
Now that sign he'd spoken of was the face Haibara made upon their return. In all ecstasy Conan had immediately run up to her, showing her the USB-stick containing the data they'd needed to return to their original bodies. But Haibara's expression at the time had been anything but ecstatic.
On the contrary, she seemed somewhat depressed that he'd found it. It only lasted a second until her usual, apathetic expression returned and he'd known she'd hoped he hadn't seen it.
There hadn't been a time to ask her about it though. With the Shounen Tantei-dan figuring out that he was actually the high-school detective Kudo Shinichi they had all but stalked him wherever he went. Although stalking would mean they'd done it inconspicuously. Which they hadn't… They openly followed him, pestering him to take them to cases and teach them the ways of a detective.
There had been a third sign as well. Nothing he could really call evidence that would prove he could've foreseen this, but a sign either way. Losing ten years had saved him from the deadly purpose Apotoxin had and he'd been grateful for that. Still he'd never been able to shake off the feeling that there was more to it. That there would be other side effects that just weren't showing themselves yet.
So when Haibara texted him this morning – "We need to talk. Now." – he'd somewhat predicted what was to come. He'd spent the day in the company of the Shounen Tantei-dan trying to get rid of them and somewhat procrastinating to do so – because while he knew what to expect, he actually didn't want to hear it.
Then somewhere in the afternoon the Shounen Tantei-dan lost him in the crowd. Not on purpose, honestly! It truly hadn't meant to happen and he guessed that was nature's way or whatever supernatural power that had control over his life to say it was time for him to go.
Which had let to this. He was sitting on the couch at Hakase's, with Haibara on the verge of tears in front of him. "A poison is and always will be a poison, Kudo-kun," she said, digging her nails in her knees to keep herself from crying.
In all honesty, he should be the one crying. He finally got his life back. He still hadn't returned to his normal body, but at least he didn't have to pretend to be a child anymore either. "Exactly two years after Tropical Land, huh?" he said, more to himself than anyone in particular.
"I had hoped they'd destroyed it," Haibara whispered catching his attention. "During the take down, I hoped so desperately that you wouldn't be able to find any data on Apotoxin at all, so that-"
"So that you wouldn't have had to tell me this, right?" Shinichi cut her off, making her wince. She hates herself. He thought. She thinks this is all her fault. Sighing he stood up and walked around the table to stand in front of her. He took her chin and forced her to meet his gaze. "It's okay, Shiho," he said as comforting as he could. "It's not your fault. I was the naïve one two years ago."
"That doesn't matter!" Shiho shouted, tears finally falling from her eyes. "I knew! I knew all along that you would never be able to get your body back! I knew all along that you would-… that we never stood a chance."
"It's okay," he said. Amused Shinichi realized that he was more surprised with how true that statement was than with what Shiho had just told him. He was fine with it. He was absolutely fine with the idea that he was going to die. What he wasn't fine with though was the one waiting for him back home at the Kudo Mansion.
Kaito.
Kaito, or KID he had known him as at the time, had been there for him all the way. When they found out they had the same goal they immediately started working together. Although that wasn't the only reason. Over the years their rivalry had changed into something more; a friendship that seemed to go deeper than his friendship with Hattori.
With Hattori he could talk and the Osakan would listen and try to help out. But he'd never be able to truly understand what Shinichi was going through. Kaito could. Kaito knew exactly what it was like to keep secrets, to live another life, to be hated for doing something you thought was right.
That had helped him through many sleepless nights. Not only that he could call the thief and talk to him, but just the thought of him going through something similar was enough to calm him down. That knowledge could make him feel safe and secure.
During the preparations their relationship had changed once again. Maybe it was just due to the fact that they understood each other so well and could read each other like open books, but Shinichi had started to feel something more for the magician thief.
Especially once he revealed his civilian identity to Shinichi and he truly got to know who was really behind the mask that was Kaitou KID. Kaito was eccentric, extravagant, dramatic, but mainly just fun to be around. Those qualities were the exact reason why Shinichi wanted to be around him.
It was the complete opposite of how he'd turned out. Quiet, calm, collected, somewhat unsociable – though in no way socially awkward! He just preferred being on his own and reading books, but that didn't mean he couldn't have a decent conversation with anyone.
Either way, Shinichi really liked Kaito and he felt no shame in admitting it. If Kaito had asked him any arbitrary day the detective would've had no trouble confessing his love. It was because the magician didn't ask even when Shinichi made somewhat obvious remarks, that he didn't actually confess.
Until the take down that is. Knowing it wasn't going to be an easy fight and that there would be many lives lost, Shinichi had confessed. He'd wanted to get it off his chest just in case he wouldn't make it out – he almost didn't what with Gin coming after him, but luckily Kaito had been there to back him up – and the magician couldn't have been happier to hear his confession.
So really thinking about how felt at the time, thinking of that stupid grin that had spread across the magician's face, thinking of all the roses, attention, time and most of all love Kaito had given him made him feel more depressed than his own situation.
He hadn't told Kaito he'd be talking to Shiho, but he wouldn't be surprised if the magician knew he was at Hakase's house – which had not been in his schedule for today – what with his habit to put trackers in Shinichi's clothes. That meant he'd be expecting the little scientist to have something important to tell him, which Shinichi would of course report to his boyfriend if it was good news.
So if he didn't tell Kaito anything the magician would become worried and start his own investigation. Shinichi knew he had to tell Kaito. He knew… He just really didn't look forward to telling the magician he would lose another loved one.
I avoid your eyes
when they want to pierce right through me.
Every time they are aimed at me
I make sure I miss their gaze.
When you stand in front of me
I flee into your arms over and over again,
so that I can't tell you
the truth.
The fact the magician was waiting for him when he returned to the Kudo Mansion meant that he'd been right. Kaito had known he'd been to Haibara and was probably expecting good news.
Shinichi didn't look him in the eye after he'd taken off his shoes. Kaito leaned down to peck him on the cheek and say a quick 'Welcome back' in response to the detective's 'I'm home'. He adopted a tired and somewhat frustrated look while walking to the kitchen to prepare dinner for the two of them.
He wasn't sure if he could fool the magician, but he could at least try. "So how did everything go?" Kaito asked, pulling the bench Shinichi used to reach the counter and cook somewhat normally on, in front of the stove. It didn't take a genius to figure out the magician was giving him a chance to talk before he would investigate on his own.
On instinct he looked at the other, seeing that his attention was on the bench. When his head turned though and those indigo eyes were aimed at him he made sure he missed them, trying to cover it up with him climbing on top of the bench.
Kaito didn't move from his spot though, continuing to look at the shrunken teenager to see if he would answer. Shinichi turned towards him and thumped his head against the other's chest. Two arms were thrown around him comfortingly.
"She still hasn't found a cure," he began. It wasn't a lie. Shinichi would never be able to lie anymore, especially not to Kaito. But it wasn't the entire truth either. It was just… Shinichi couldn't tell Kaito. Losing his father had done enough damage, but losing his first true love as well…
The magician though wasn't at all aware of his inner conflict. He relaxed as soon as he thought the detective wasn't going to tell him any bad news. "It's okay, Shin-chan," he said comfortingly, "I will always love you, no matter what form or situation."
Even if you find out what I'm withholding from you? Shinichi thought, but didn't voice it out loud. He just nodded with a soft 'Uhn' and dug deeper into the magician's arms.
Every day you tell me,
how much you love me,
how glad you are to live in certainty,
how much you trust me.
The next day Shinichi woke up to the feeling of being watched. Normally his paranoia – something he'd caught up due to the organization – would've screamed at him to run away. Luckily he knew the gaze. He knew the owner of the gaze and knew they weren't a threat at all.
Quite the opposite actually, Kaito would never be a threat to him. "Sorry," the teen in question said, "did I wake you up?" Shinichi lifted his shoulders in a careless shrug, but kept his eyes closed. His head was lying on top of the magician's chest face towards the magician.
"Kind of," Shinichi muttered, relishing in the domestic feeling of the moment. They stayed quiet for several minutes, the shrunken detective drifting in and out of sleep while Kaito continued to watch him.
How much time had passed, Shinichi did not know, but eventually Kaito started talking again. "I really love you, you know?"
He couldn't stop chuckling a bit. "I know, baro," he said a smile evident on his face. "You tell me that every day." He cracked one eye open now, looking at his boyfriend.
The teen in question was grinning broadly. "I know, but it's just nice to say it every so often. I just really like this… certainty we have now. No more Black Organization, no more danger, no more pretending. Gosh I'm so glad you were with me all this time." He stopped for a second, smile faltering as he remembered the bad times. "I was really glad there was someone I could truly trust."
Now it was Shinichi's smile that faltered. Not obviously and Kaito in his domestic glee didn't notice at all – which was quite the achievement. But still Shinichi had to close his eyes as not to betray his true emotions.
"Yeah."
How do you tell someone
that the earth isn't round anymore,
that birds can't fly anymore,
and the sun doesn't shine anymore?
How do I tell you,
that the life you lived,
and the love you felt,
will soon disappear?
There were only several days left until the second anniversary of his semi-date with Ran to Tropical Land and Shinichi was really becoming uncomfortable. He still hadn't been able to gather up the courage to tell Kaito what would happen.
Because really what was he going to say? I'm going to die in two days?Kaito would definitely think he was joking around. The problem was neither he nor Haibara for that matter knew exactly how he was going to die, whether it was going to happen fast or slowly, painful or not, gruesome or peaceful. The whole thing was shrouded in mystery and while normally he would love to figure out any mystery, he would rather not know how exactly he was going to die.
The only thing they were certain of was that he was going to die. Every calculation Haibara had made, every simulation and the chances of every possible outcome led to one and only one option. Really it was a miracle he was still this calm about the whole ordeal.
But that may be because those thoughts weren't on his mind at all. How was he going to tell Kaito? How was he going to tell him he would never become Shinichi again? How was he going to tell Kaito he would lose another loved one?
Kaito was going to devastated.
He might not be able to take it.
Kaito…
Those two days passed by way too quickly. Shinichi spent a lot of his time with his loved ones, especially Kaito. Spoiling him with nice dinners and chocolate cakes and candy – the sweet tooth… But never once had Shinichi had the courage to actually tell people what was going to happen.
The night of his final day, Kaito held a heist, oblivious to the detective's struggle. It seemed to be too late to tell him now. Maybe he should just go away? If he went abroad – or anywhere outside of Tokyo for that matter – he might just die without causing Kaito any pain.
Right… that wouldn't work. If he went away for no reason and didn't return of course Kaito would be hurt. The only person who wouldn't be hurt would be himself because he wouldn't have to see his lover's desperate face.
So he continued to wait for the right moment. He waited, he waited and he waited. But of course, being on a heist would give him anything but a moment to tell the magician. Unless…
Deciding to leave the mayhem of the hall that held the target of tonight's heist, he snuck up to the roof. It took several staircases and by the time he reached the top he was utterly exhausted. That, he would reminiscence later, was the first sign that everything was about to go wrong.
Closing the door giving access to the roof behind him he took a deep breath, cooling down not only his body, but also his mind. Yes, this was it. He knew he was going to stumble over his words once Kaito was in front of him, but he also knew that he was going to say it, right here.
"Shinichi?" Kaito asked behind him. Normally Shinichi would've startled and spun around, but not now. Somehow the calm that had taken over his mind had taken over his body as well. He hadn't heard the magician entering, but that did not matter.
"Shinichi? What's wrong?" the white-clad thief asked, worried since the shrunken detective wasn't answering or even acknowledging him at all. "You've never left this early on a heist."
Turning around Shinichi smiled at his boyfriend. "I guess I never did, did I?"
Kaito was looking very worried, poker face completely forgotten. That's what he loved about the magician, Shinichi thought. The magician, probably unconsciously, dropped his poker face during important conversations like this.
Shinichi could, of course, see through his poker face most of the time, but it was nice knowing that Kaito felt comfortable enough to drop it and show his vulnerability. It showed exactly how much the magician trusted him.
"Shinichi," Kaito began, biting his lip as he hesitated, "please tell me what's wrong."
It hadn't been a question. More than anything, that single sentence had been a plea. And the detective was helpless to fight it. Opening his mouth he tried to speak, but the only thing that came out was a strangled hitch.
Eyes widening Shinichi felt an all too familiar pain inside his chest. He coughed, one hand flying to his chest, the other to his mouth. It was… different though. Even after this long without the stings through his heart he could feel it was different. The next second he found out exactly why it was so different. Coughing again he felt a liquid spat on the hand he was covering his mouth with and he knew the color of the liquid without even having seen it.
His knees gave out beneath him, but before they could hit the ground he felt Kaito's hands catch him. The magician was screaming something, but even though he was almost screaming inside Shinichi's ear, the latter couldn't hear him above the quickening throbbing of his own heartbeat.
The coughing got worse. The blood stuck in his throat felt like acid, burning right through his throat. His heart felt as if it would stop any second. He felt Kaito's hands on him, knew he was shouting at him, but neither was truly processed inside his mind.
Then it all stopped. His heart was still beating quickly, but this time it felt healthier – not the you're-about-to-die kind of beating. Finally he started to pick up on his surroundings. Kaito's voice entered his brain again, shouting his name over and over again, worry and despair getting the upper hand.
"I'm okay," Shinichi muttered, heart beat and breath slowing down. He lowered his hand to the ground beside him, hiding it from Kaito's eyes. Quickly he looked at the hand and confirmed that he'd indeed been coughing blood.
The second sign.
He took his other hand and used its sleeve – a navy blue luckily – to wipe the remaining blood from his face.
"Fine?!" Kaito all but shouted. "You are anything but fine, Shinichi! You were coughing so hard, and gripping your heart and… and not responding to my calls at all! Tell me what's going on, right now!" he demanded, turning the detective to face him.
You will lose me,
you will lose me,
it's the truth.
This new point of view allowed Shinichi to look behind Kaito to see something that made his heart drop instantly. Grabbing the magician's left shoulder roughly with his left hand he yanked him forward and out of the way of the incoming bullet.
But by yanking the magician out of harm's way he put himself directly in the bullet's path. Striking him in his chest, Shinichi could feel it piercing its way through his fragile torso, embedding itselfjust above his heart and nicking his left lung.
This time, there was no hiding the blood that spilled from his mouth. This time, he could hear Kaito's agonized call. This time, he could feel that it wasn't just a foreboding spell. He was going to die.
He felt himself be picked up and taken back into the museum – back into safety – where Kaito put him down on the ground. The magician grabbed his cape and ripped a big piece off to push it on the detective's wound in attempt to stop the bleeding.
"Don't worry, Tantei-kun," he said, sounding on the verge of panicking. "You're going to be fine," he continued to reassure him, though to Shinichi it sounded more like he was trying to reassure himself.
He took the hand holding the now blood-red patch of cape with his own, catching the owner's attention. Their eyes met and Shinichi smiled, but the magician wouldn't have none of that. "No!" he shouted harshly. "You are not going to give up! I will never forgive you if you give up now! We are this close to getting our lives back on track so I will not allow you to let all of our hard work-"
"Kaito," Shinichi said, silencing the magician immediately, "it doesn't matter anymore."
"Of course it matters!" Kaito shouted at him, a few tears gathering in the corners of his eyes, blurring his vision. "Stop saying such things!"
"Kai, please," Shinichi continued relentlessly, somehow he didn't feel as reluctant anymore as he was several minutes ago to tell the magician that he was going to die. Maybe the fact that he himself didn't even know how he was going to die had been weighing down on him a lot more than he had thought. Now that he was on the verge of dying because of this bullet wound, it was a little bit easier to accept.
"There is something that I should've told you a long time ago," he continued, no longer hesitant. Even though he was in this weakened state he couldn't have felt more determined and strong. "I'm sorry, I didn't tell you before, but I was too scared actually."
Seeing the tears finally fall down the magician's cheeks, Shinichi couldn't stop his own eyes from watering. "Haibara told me a few weeks ago that there was no cure. There never had been and there never will be."
"I don't care!" Kaito said, voice trembling. "I don't care if you stay ten years younger than me, I can live with that. You know that." But there was no determination behind his words. Because he knew that Shinichi wasn't done talking, that there was something else other than the fact that he would never return to being Kudo Shinichi.
"A poison will always be a poison, Kaito," Shinichi said, quoting Haibara's words.
"No," Kaito whispered, "it's not true. Stop talking like this, Shinichi… please."
Shinichi would've loved to tell the magician that it wasn't true, that Kaito wouldn't lose him, that he would live and that they would live happily together forever and ever.
But this was the truth. The painful, harsh, aggravating, annoying, heart-breaking, blood-chilling, stupid truth. And Shinichi couldn't lie about the truth, especially not when it came to Kaito. "I'm sorry, Kaito," he whispered, feeling his life drip away with every drop of blood that seeped from his wound.
Slowly blood filled his trachea and he coughed in an involuntarily attempt to get it out. "Shinichi!" Kaito shouted, taking the detective in his arms and hugging him. "Don't leave me, Shinichi, please! I can't lose anyone else, I can't lose you!"
The fact that they were being watched didn't matter. Knowing Shinichi hadn't told anyone about his fate yet and that he would tell Kaito only at the last moment, Haibara had decided to make sure everyone would be there to say goodbye to their friend, crush, colleague, acquaintance and savior.
Hattori, Ran, Mouri, Sonoko, Sera, the task force, Hakuba, Aoko, the Shounen Tantei-dan, and even Megure-keibu, Takagi-keiji and Satou-keiji were there. All of them had come to say goodbye to the detective.
Shinichi saw them from his spot in Kaito's arms and he felt grateful to Haibara. "Arigatou," he said, smiling brightly at Haibara, who wasn't hiding the tears that slit down her cheeks, and then at the whole group who had come to watch him go, "mina." Then he looked at Kaito's face crying above him and he held up his hand to stroke it through the brown, unruly hair that he loved so much.
"Kaito," he said, trying to get the magician to look at him, "I'm going now. But don't worry, I'll always be watching over you. Just like your father and everyone else who loves you." Pulling himself up with the last ounce of his strength he kissed the magician's nose.
Indigo eyes opened finally and widened in desperation and sorrow. "No, don't go, Shinichi!"
Shinichi just smiled at him. "I love you," he said, his eyes closing slowly. The edges of his vision started to disappear and he didn't stop smiling as the image of Kaito crying and shouting at him to stay was slowly taken over by darkness, "Kaito."
You will lose me,
you will lose me,
it's the truth.
To anyone who doesn't know, 'Arigatou mina' means 'Thank you, everyone'. Shinichi was thanking everyone for the time they spent together and the memories they made.
Sorry if this story made you guys sad, I was thinking of making an omake that hopefully will tone down the depressed atmosphere and turn it in something beautiful, but I still have to write it so I'm not sure when it'll be up.
Btw, I know Shinichi might not be someone who procrastinates these kind of things, but for dramatic effect he does in this story ;) Also I guess there might be some confusion on the sniper at the end. Seeing as the BO has been taken down there shouldn't be anyone after KID anymore. I wanted to explain it in the omake, but seeing as I have no idea if I'm ever going to upload it I'll put it here. The sniper was Snake who escaped just about an hour before the heist started, which would explain why neither Shinichi nor Kaito knew he was running around again. He's caught again soon after Conan dies.
There you go! Please leave a review if you liked/disliked this story! Criticism is always welcome as long as you bring it nicely!
30-07-'15 Edit; I was rereading this and somehow Fanfiction swallowed up a lot of words at the end of sentences and spaces in between words Xd Hopefully I fixed all of them, but if you see another error, pm me or leave a review ;)