Needed
"I guess you never know how people will grow up.."- Raoul, Squire
DISCLAMER: The characters belong to Tamora Pierce, I'm just playing in the sandbox.
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"I should go."
Gary's quiet voice echoes through the room. "So soon?" I murmur, already
knowing the answer.
"There will be talk if people see me leaving your rooms. You know that as
well as I do, Raoul." He slides out from under the covers, pulling his
breeches back on.
"So let them talk," The words are out before I can stop them, and I curse
myself for sounding like a sullen child. "The whole realm knows we're
friends, it wouldn't be so uncommon for you to be visiting me."
Gary rolls his eyes. "In the middle of the night? While I have a wife who
I'm supposed to be tending too. Honestly, I know you're smarter than
this..."
"If not spending my life worrying about public opinion makes me stupid, then
you can make me the court fool," I should stop caring, I really should. I
should stop letting myself react to him, but it's just so damn hard. It's
been close to thirty years now since he first stumbled into my room,
wringing his hands together and confessing his fears about squiredom and
passing the Chamber. I soothed him, telling him not to focus on things four
years in the future, and eventually we ended up on my bed, kissing each
other with the enthusiasm of young men experiencing a sexual awakening. It
wasn't long after that he started sneaking into my room at night for a bit
more than making out.
In the beginning, he would tell me he loved me every day. He would find new
ways of expressing it, but I always knew. Then, six years later, the day we
were to leave for the Tusaine War, his father was thrown from the saddle and
he cried in my arms that night. Through his sobs, he whispered that he
wanted me to know how much he loved me, in case one of us didn't make it
back.
Needless to say, we both survived, and I never heard those words again.
Which is how we got where we are today, me lying sullenly in bed, Gary
glaring down at me. I suddenly feel very stupid and very childish. We're
both aware of the need to keep our relationship a secret, and me throwing a
fit isn't helping matters. "I'm sorry," I say quietly.
He sits down on the edge of the bed. "What for?" he asks.
"For being difficult. Again. When I should know better."
He glances away. "Yeah. You should."
The fighter in my comes back to life. I can only be contrite for so long.
"You're just like your cousin, you know."
He raises an eyebrow. "Oh am I?"
"Yes. Just as committed to policy, just as worried about the damn public
image, just as much a shadow of a brighter person. The only difference is
that he has a whole kingdom to worry about, while you gave up your
light....for what? What happened to the practical jokester, the sarcastic
one out of the group?"
His face darkens. "You know, Raoul. Damn you, you know."
He's right, I do know. I'll never understand, but I know. "You don't have to
be him, Gary. No one expects you to. There will only be one Duke of Naxen,
and you trying so hard to be like him doesn't do anything but drive you
insane." It's a useless argument, one I've tried time and again, but dammit,
even with everything, I still love him and I have to try.
He looks down, and I see by the set in his shoulders that I've gotten to
him. "The kingdom lost them all at once-the Queen, the King, and then with
my father stepping down, they needed someone..."
I rest my head on his shoulder. "They got someone. They got Jon, and Alanna,
and the Dominion Jewel."
"It wasn't ENOUGH!" he yells, pulling away and turning to face me. "Jon had
no IDEA what to do, and Alanna and the Jewel were so wrapped up in magic and
mysticism, and no one cared about the practical issues! I had to take care
of the practical issues, or it all would have fallen apart!"
I grab his shoulders. He's crying, and the tears glisten in the dark. "That
was twenty years ago, Gary. The kingdom still needs you as the Prime
Minister, but you don't have to be perfect anymore. You can be a normal
person, just like everyone else."
He looks away. "You don't get it. You're off with the Own all the time, off
fighting monsters and bandits, you don't see the rulers who want so badly to
declare war on Tortall, and Jon is so busy with them, he doesn't see what's
within his own borders. I'm needed."
"I know you are." It's only half a lie. Gary's right, I am away with the Own
too much. Maybe Gary really is desperately needed by the realm, maybe he's not just
acting on some need to be the best out of everyone to live up to being Duke
Gareth's son. All I know is that he's desperately needed by me. "But if you're under this much pressure from that, isn't it all the more reason you should be with who you want to be with when you aren't filing papers and tending to reports?"
He wipes his eyes and I see that I've lost him. "Stop making this harder
than it is," he tells me. "I'm doing what I think is right, and if you cared
about me, you would accept that." He stands. "I'll see you, right?
For a moment, I have the bizarre compulsion to say no, to tell him that I'm
sick of life in the shadows, of just being a conquest for his amusement. I
want to tell him that it's his wife or me, his restrained routine or my
companionship, his perfect little illusion or my heart. But I don't tell him
this. "Right."