Other Side of the Glass
I'm good at reading people. Being a CSI has taught me that what the evidence won't show you, the witnesses will, and I have a knack for chewing the truth out of the most resolved of people. In many ways, this is a gift I've taken for granted, a skill I've perfected over the years, but also it's a heavy load to bear. I can read what people think of me, and most of the time I don't like what I see. Sure, I carry myself with confidence, but I've never fully been happy with the way people see me. As I recall saying to Calleigh on my first day of the job, I was there to solve the case, not to prove myself. I think that stuck with her; we found a kindred spirit, I joked with her, but nothing came out of it. A hollow friendship is probably the only label for it.
Calleigh and I have never really hit it off. We've had our moments of closeness, but then the moments of huge mistrust that tear down all of the efforts I've put into our friendship. When I was fired from the lab because of my gambling, Calleigh had no sympathy for the position it put me in. She was mirthless and ruthless in her pursuit for my unhappiness, and had no knowledge the kind of situation I was in as a child and as a human being. She didn't care, either, which made the friendship just as empty. I was kidnapped by the Russian Mob, but Calleigh just saw it as another discrepancy, another "Wolfe-moment", and wouldn't even hear my excuse. Which, by the way, was a pretty good one. I see her as an older sister, but there's nothing that will ever come out of it, because she will never fully trust me again. I would place my life in her hands but she wouldn't do the same. I suppose it's the burden that comes with the job; you grow so close to these people that nothing is a secret, especially not how they feel about you. To her, and to everyone on the team, I was just another rookie out of the Academy.
Eric had his run-ins with me as well. To say that we had sibling rivalry would be an understatement. Eric was insatiably cruel to me- probably because he was insatiably close to Tim Speedle, the man I had replaced. I tried to brush it off. I had no qualms about my abilities; I had only qualms about who would let me show my abilities. Eric was judgmental from the beginning- to him, I was a replacement, and not a good one at that. I think that I didn't take that very well- Calleigh, being the lovely woman she is, did very little to stop the fighting, and I know that she sided with Eric despite insisting that she had no preferences. I think that my romantic pursuit of Natalia Boa Vista was the icing on the cake, even though I had hoped that we were growing closer. Eric began to doubt my abilities and to judge me even more than he already had, even thought the one thing I was always confident with was my skill in this field. Eric and I grew closer as the years passed, but never did he actually acknowledge that he had been exceedingly vindictive in his criticism of me: spanning from my abilities, my appearance, my name, my OCD, and just about everything that defines who I am; and thus, I never fully forgave him, and our friendship remained just as empty or even more so as my friendship with Calleigh. I suppose it was always okay with me that he did not like me- he was just a coworker, and there was no obligation to be any more than civil to him.
But here's where people's resentment of me hits the dry wall. I had always been a little reckless- despite being labeled a nerd in my younger days, and generally being fascinated with science and all things un-cool, I had gambling problems and I tended to steer towards personal turmoil. Instead of being the guiding father figure he should've been, the great Lieutenant Caine did the opposite. Unlike Eric, who was open with his resentment towards me, Horatio decided to keep our strained, mistrustful relationship under the radar, and I think he assumes I don't notice it. This is not to say I'm not grateful for the things he's done for me: he's given me a second chance, and he has helped me out of my darkest hour, but never once has he called me Ryan. This might seem insignificant towards the normal person, but that normal person doesn't know our team. The very life of the team is our closeness (myself not included). Trust, honesty, and full disclosure are all very important to the core of the team. Horatio addresses everyone like they are family, but to him I'm "Mr. Wolfe"-Mr. Wolfe: the mistrusted, reckless rookie out of the Academy, that will never make it anywhere in life. It shouldn't bother me: to a normal person it would demonstrate respect and admiration. But Horatio only gives a damn about his precious Eric and the badge and gun that he wears like he's goddamn Batman and Robin rolled into one. I'll give it to him: that man's got heart, but that heart doesn't beat for any part of me, and he doesn't care if the next time I descend into Hell I don't come back.
There's only one person I've ever thought would care. There's only one person on the team that I love more than myself and that I would risk my life for. From the very beginning, I was the cruel and vindictive Eric Delko to poor Natalia Boa Vista, the DNA specialist from the FBI. I was attracted to her, went on one unsuccessful date that wonderful Eric had to shatter into a million pieces, and then nothing came of it. I grew angry with her when I found that she was the mole for the FBI, and I criticized her and her relationship with her abusive ex-husband. I found it in my black heart to forgive her, and it's been a tit for tat relationship since then. She's helped me; I've helped her, no questions asked. I'd say she's my best friend if I didn't know better. Natalia is resilient and strong, and through three life-threatening events she has come back stronger than before. She was bombed, she was nearly sliced to death by a katana, and she was kidnapped and drugged by a crazy psychic. I was there for all of those, and I think it's safe to say I saved her life three times. I love her more than I care to admit, but that will never be reciprocated. There's more than physical attraction and admiration there- I never feel more accepted than when I'm with her. When you're on a team like the one I'm on, there's nothing worse than being the outsider, and she was the outsider for a long time after the mole incident. I'm the outsider- and I've been the outsider since I joined the tightly knit team six or seven years ago. I should belong like Eric and Calleigh and now Natalia do- but I'm stuck, screaming on the other side of the glass. But I can only watch them, the love of my life, the beautiful, funny, smart woman as she makes her life without me.
There's this new lab tech, Molly Sloan, who flirts with me and recently asked me out on a coffee date. I like her; that is to say, she's beautiful and funny and smart (remind you of anyone)? I see that juvenile, hopeful look sparkling in her eyes and I have to restrain myself from disclosing the secrets of the team: how nothing is definite, how you have to work for years to earn the trust only for the job to tear you down and leave you defenseless. I'll smile back, offer the same quick, flirty remark, all the while wondering why it's taken Natalia so long to notice me.
But don't feel bad for me. My OCD makes me question everything in my life- the people I know, the way I dress, to the very existence of life itself. I will get out of this team someday and become a better man because of it. There's nothing I'd like more than to be accepted, but knowing the people as well as I do, there's very little chance of that happening. It's not a story I like to tell to many- I tell my family that I've never been happier in my life, and they buy it. It comes with weaseling out the liars: I've become a better liar than I had ever expected to be. So, I put on that same fake, lying smile that I do everyday, and continue to save lives. I don't care what they think of me- someone has to do my job, and for how long that "someone" will be me remains to be seen. Yes, I love what I do, but whom I do it with is really important. I just have one final message. Natalia- will you wait for me? I only need a little longer to figure out who I am, and I'll be back for you. All I know is, I'm done screaming on the other side of the glass.