Hello, all.

I just want to make it clear that this is not intended to bash any characters or ships (it's not about ships at all). This is just me expressing a frustration about the show, as respectfully as possible, and I feel like here is the only place to get it out. The A/N at the end explains everything. Whether you read that before or after the fic is up to you.

At this point in the A/N, I would usually write "I hope you enjoy!" but I know some of you will not. I'm okay with this.

Dear diary,

So much has happened since the last time I wrote you. Has it really been almost a year? Where do I even begin? As much as it pains me to relive any of it, there are still some things that I need to say. Emotions that I've bottled in and you're the only one I can talk to about them.

It all started when Katherine came to Mystic Falls. I won't even get into the part where she tried to sabotage me and Stefan's relationship because that's far from being the worst part. She came here to break what everybody thought was the "Sun and the Moon" curse. Supposedly, the curse kept vampires slaves to the sun and werewolves servants of the full moon.

But it was much darker than that. The real curse was on placed on Klaus, one of the oldest vampires in the history of time who just to happens to be of a werewolf bloodline. He made up the fake curse so that both species of werewolves and vampires would be on the hunt for the two key ingredients that he needed to break his curse: the moonstone and the Petrova doppelganger – me. Breaking the real curse would make him a combination of the species, a hybrid.

The two other ingredients for breaking the curse were both a vampire and a werewolf. My Aunt Jenna was the vampire. Klaus killed her twice. Once to turn her and finally to use her in the sacrifice. John, my biological father, died so that I would come back to life after Klaus killed me, too. The sacrifice was months ago.

Next, Damon nearly died from a werewolf bite that he got from Tyler Lockwood when he was saving Tyler and Caroline from being used to break the curse. Stefan gave himself over to Klaus so that Damon could have the cure, which was Klaus' blood. Damon and I spent the entire summer looking for him, trying to save him, and when Stefan got home he wasn't the Stefan I knew. He was a Ripper. One who couldn't control his bloodlust and fed to the point of literally tearing people apart.

I thought he was getting better until I saw him with human blood smeared all over his face. I didn't stick around to let him or Damon explain. I don't know why it upset me. I knew what I was signing up for when I decided to date a vampire.

Not long after that, Bonnie met her mother, Abby, again for the first time in 14 years. She abandoned Bonnie after protecting me from Mikael, Klaus' father who he eventually killed. When I was three, Mikeal tried to take me away because, once again, I'm the doppelganger.

Not two days after Bonnie reunited with her mom, Abby was turned into a vampire while she and Bonnie were doing a spell to kill all the Originals, also known as Klaus, his three brothers, and his homicidal sister. And guess why she was turned? To save me.

You see where I'm going with this, diary?

If everyone keeps saying that it's not my fault then why do I feel responsible? Stefan nearly sacrificed himself, in place of Jenna. Damon tried too, but his blood was tainted by the werewolf bite. John gave me his life force and died. Bonnie killed herself at the last decade dance, to protect me, by making Klaus believe she was dead and no longer a threat to him. The only reason she's still here is because she cast a spell beforehand and it brought her back. But that's not all. She was going to die all over again to save me and kill Klaus for good.

And Jeremy. I sent Jeremy to live with relatives in Denver because it was just too much. Not only has he been dead on multiple occasions, being brought to life by his Gilbert ring and Emily Bennett's magic, I watched him behead a hybrid. No sixteen year old should have to go through that.

I never wanted any of this to happen, and that's the problem. I'm willing to die for my family but they would die themselves before letting that happen.

When talking to Matt, I realized something: I never took the time to really mourn my parents' deaths. Not only has everything supernatural been weighing down on us nonstop, but the guilt has been too much for me to face. I know that accidents happen, but this accident happened because I got drunk at a party and was too wasted to get home. I never got over that. I don't think that's something that you can truly get over, but I could at least forgive myself. But I don't know if I can.

I told Matt that the one thing that comforted me most about Stefan was the fact that he's immortal. Don't get me wrong. I love Stefan. It's not something I can erase (even though I've tried). But I was using Stefan to soothe my fear of loss because I knew, I thought, that I would never actually lose him.

Reading what I just wrote makes me feel horrible because it's so unfair to Stefan. But it's true. Same with Damon. I was vulnerable at the time we kissed (Did I tell you that we kissed?) – and I was using him to compensate for what I felt like I had lost in Stefan. It's not fair to either one of them.

Where am I even going with this? I guess these are just things that I need to finally face. I need to mourn my parents. I need to mourn Aunt Jenna. Even though we weren't good terms, I need to mourn John, the only parent I had left. Because so far, I've just numbed my feelings at put them away.

I need to get over my guilt and stop using the people around me as emotional crutches. Only then will I be strong enough as a person to truly fight for the people I love. No longer will people die on my behalf. I am fighting for my life.

Caroline is with Bonnie and Abby while Abby completes the transformation. I can't begin to think what my best friend is going through, right now. I'm going to make it up to Bonnie, somehow. She's my sister.

My relationship with Stefan is on hold, and it's going to stay that way for a while. As for Damon, I think I cut him too deep. He proved that.

Everything that's going on our lives right now, I know that we can beat it. I know that all of us will win. We just have to fight so hard and want it so bad that failing isn't an option. But even with the fight against those who have taken so much from us, the first and most important battle begins within ourselves.

We. Will. Win.

Elena

Important Author's Note:

I wrote this one-shot because there were some things about the show that I needed to get off my chest. As a matter of fact, there are a lot of things that I need to get off my chest but this has to do with our main character, Elena Gilbert.

Her conversation with Matt in the kitchen got me thinking. When did Elena ever get the time to heal? Here is this 17/18 teenage girl who lost both her parents at the same time because of one mistake that she made. Four months later, she fell in love with a vampire and all hell broke loose. I'm sorry, but four months isn't much time to deal with the fact that your parents died because you had too much to drink.

Now, I'm not looking down on Elena and Stefan for falling in love. Love is one of those things that you can't control. I'm just saying that Elena never got the chance to begin some type of healing process. She said herself that she was drawn to Stefan, knowing he was a vampire, because she knew he would never die. When Elena said that to Matt, that's how I knew for sure that she was broken inside. Having Stefan there and immortal was a crutch to Elena so that she didn't have to face her parents death. Instead of dealing with her feelings of guilt and loss head on, Elena found comfort and security in Stefan. Again, I'm not bashing their relationship or taking away from its importance, but this is what I see.

We all know what happened after the Salvatore boys came to town. Person after person died and many of them died, whether directly or indirectly, on Elena's behalf.

Fast forward to the Delena porch kiss. Do you honestly think that would have happened if Stefan hadn't off been off with Klaus? No. Again, Elena was using a person close to her as an emotional crutch to compensate for the abandonment she felt. It's the same thing she admitted to doing with Stefan after her parents died, and it's the same thing she did with Damon after Elena felt like Stefan had left her for good. She was being a vulnerable human being.

Sometimes I forget that Elena is my peer, and I start to judge her. But what would I have done in that situation? Elena wanted comfort and Damon was there to give it. Was it wrong at the time? I believe so. But when you've been through so much, sometimes, not to make excuses, you slip and do things that you usually wouldn't. I know some fans are going to eat me alive for saying what I just wrote, but like I said before – this is what I see.

Then we have that infamous coin toss. I'm not going to dwell on it (Trust me, it's best that I don't.), but this is another example of other people being sacrificed in order to save Elena.

Some might argue that it's not Elena's fault that she was born the doppelganger, which is true, but Elena feels guilty anyway. All throughout Season 2, and now in recent episodes, Elena has expressed her guilt over people dying to save her life. She feels strongly responsible. Is it her fault that Elena was born a doppelganger? NO. But does that have to keep her from fighting for her own life so that people don't have to give up theirs? No, no, and thrice times, no. This is where the writers come in. I need them to quit with this whole save-Elena-at-all-costs routine. We've been through it for three seasons and it's getting old.

I hate to be one of those people who compare the books to the show (there's really not much comparison because they're so different), but bear with me a little longer. One difference between Book Elena and TV Elena, that has nothing to do with physical appearance, is that although Book Elena was often an uber bitch, I don't recall how many people actually died to save her. As a matter of fact, not only did she make plans (that actually succeeded) to protect the people that she cared about, but she was a fighter. By the way, I speak mainly of the first four original novels.

Book Elena didn't go down without a fight, and even after she died she was still helping her friends hold down Fell's Church.

That leaves me with this question: Why won't the writers let TV Elena save her own life, and maybe even someone else's? I mean, good gosh! I don't believe that Elena ever mourned all her loss properly. What with all the supernatural drama going on, who would have the time? I think so far she's just stuffed her feelings down. And now, you have people dying left and right to save her from vampires with mommy and daddy issues. No, she didn't let Rebekah bully her in that cave. Elena talked Rebekah out of setting her on fire. But guess what? Elena put herself in an avoidable situation and someone died for it. They have Elena doing crap like this all the time. When do you draw that line in the sand and decide that it's time for a change?

I need for the writers to let Elena get over her personal guilt, give it a rest with both Salvatores (yes, I said both), and focus on healing and becoming a strong woman so she can Fight. For. Her. Life. And none of that martyr crap from Season 2. I mean take a stand and proclaim enough is enough. I need for Elena to be emotionally strong enough to where she doesn't need a boyfriend to lean on. Girl power, anyone?

I don't know. I just feel that if they throw Elena and Stefan back together, I'm going to be a little disappointed – and it has nothing to do with shipping. It's me wanting to see a strong, female main character that I can respect and root for wholeheartedly. If I wanted some damsel in distress, I would get involved in some other vampire drama that shall remain nameless. Besides, we've already seen the work that Stefan has to do with his "drinking" problem and Damon, so far, is determined to help. Maybe I'll touch on that in a different fic. Maybe.

As much as Elena has irked me (angered me beyond comprehension) in the past, I need her to be strong because right now she's so broken. They all are. Elena, Stefan, Damon, Bonnie, Caroline, Tyler, Jeremy, Alaric and Matt. But, I guess that's the beauty of it. You get invested in the lives of these characters, see how damaged they've become, and wait to see how they rise above and conquer it all. You stick around because you're rooting them to victory. You know they can do it. I just need for the writers to get the ball rolling because Elena not being able to save herself, or even make half way decent plans to try and make a difference, has gotten tiring.

This was in no way intended to bash any characters or belittle any ships (as a strong supporter of Bonnie Bennett, I know exactly how those things feel), this is me discussing my feelings about the show and how I want so hard for these characters to prosper. There are times where I wish I could just sit in that writers room and make some decisions. Isn't it weird how invested we become in these things?

Anywho, feel free to leave your thoughts. Please be respectful. I hope I got my point across and if I offended you, then I'm sorry. That wasn't the purpose of this. I don't have Twitter or Tumblr, so I felt that this was the only place where I could voice an opinion and have it heard by other fans. I doubt anyone involved in the show is reading, so you guys are as good as it gets (I mean that in a nice way). :)

Thanks for reading my musings and ramblings. I hope I made some sense.

Note To Subscribers:

I've been on hiatus a lot longer than I thought I would be, but I'm trying to get back into the swing of things. Updates are on the way. (Don't give up on me, yet!)

Btw, I have some pretty nice plans for one of my fics. Looking forward to sharing. :)

Thanks for reading! Like I said, feel free to leave a comment. Just don't rip my head off, okay?