Hi All, This is my first baby - hope you enjoy. All comments/advise happily received – And – NO Idon't own any part of Lie to ME
Cal sat in the semi darkness. Most of the lights in the office now turned off, and the last of the staff long since gone home.
The soft filtered light of his desk lamp were shining down on the files scattered across the surface. His pathetic attempt at a reason for staying so late at work, as he had so many evenings lately.
Emily was off on her first un parented holiday with some friends. He was concerned obviously, but ultimately he knew his daughter would be ok. Despite everything she had grown up with common sense and he knew he could trust her. No, any fears he might entertain about Emily were fleeting, brief interruptions to the problem he was really struggling with.
Was it even a problem though?
Really it was more of a decision, one he had deliberately put of making for some time now One that was responsible for him sitting here this late at night.
It was had been eating at him for a long time, and now, without Emily as a useful distraction, he knew he had to deal with it.
For the 3rd time in the last hour he abruptly jumped up from his chair and made his way down the darkened corridor to the entrance of the office, her office. Gentlely turning the handle he moved slowly inside. Moving quietly round, he again studied the internal décor. He ran his fingers over the pictures on the wall, pulled open the small drawer on her desk smiling again at the stash of supply of sweet, calorie loaded fast food snacks that were sitting within. Lowering himself into her chair he again caught the faint but familiar smell of her perfume.
Frustration creased his brow. Was being in here really helping him? His frustration grew, he was a man of science, used to making fast, snap decisions based on facts and circumstance and experience. Maybe that's where he was going wrong here. He mentally shook his head and tried to clear his mind of the rubbish. As far as he could tell he had 3 options. A list. A list of pros and cons, that's what it called for.
Gillian.
He could go to her, tell her exactly how he felt. That he was finally ready, capable and wanting to be involved in a proper relationship with her.
He knew she would be willing, a negative response didn't even cross his mind. Time and time again he had caught her looking at him, and he KNEW that look. Her body language, her voice, everything really, told him, had been telling him for some time, that she wanted him.
The pros: Gillian could be so good for him. She alone could deal with his temper, his moods, his complete lack of social tact and diplomacy. Gillian could read him like no other and that was quite comforting.
Emily would be happy he had no doubt of that.
Zoe. He almost laughed, it would really put her nose out of joint. Was that a pro or a con he mused?
On the con side, would he be good for her?
Should she have to put up with his moods and problems?
Any relationship between them would undoubtedly have its ups and downs, she had just come out of one relationship fraught with problems and worries. Did he really want to pull her into another?
Then there was his past. Gillian knew a lot more than most already, but not all, definitely not everything. If they got together she deserved nothing less than full disclosure, total honesty. Could he do that?
Option 2.
He could leave things as they were.
It would save him having to continue to struggle with this issue.
It had worked well for this long, so why mess with it, don't try and fix what isn't broken.
His skeletons could stay safely tucked away, those dark, painful parts of his past that even he found hard to visit.
The amazing and for filling friendship between them that Cal valued so much, would remain.
But the problems with this course of action were obvious. The growing tension between them would still be there.
Despite the unspoken company rules, Cal couldn't help but read her face sometimes. He knew that Gill felt confused and a little hurt when, on the few occasions that fate had conspired to bring them together in circumstances that with just one small move, or the right word, they would finally cross that last invisible barrier that was keeping them apart. But each time it was he that had pulled back, broken the spell. Another lost opportunity.
He hated making her feel like that.
Cal mentally pushed himself forward to the final option.
He could find someone else.
There had to be someone that would be a good match for him. It didn't have to be perfect. A good intellect, sense of humour, honest, warm and caring. The main thing would be that it would convince Gill.
This slightly lateral reasoning that Cal was employing was - if Gillian really believed he had moved on, it would set her free to do the same, because somewhere, deep inside him, he truly believed that she could do better than him. That she deserved someone better than him.
He tried to visualise it. Gillian in the arms of this fictional man, laughing, gazing into his eyes happy and contented.
Again he launched himself out of the chair, this time pacing round the office. Could he be that unselfish? Could he really give away one of the few things in his life that he.. .. He what?
It was time for total self honesty. He loved her, and it scared him.
Cal took one deep breath, then another, abruptly the left Gills office and strode purposely back to his own domain. This time he didn't bother to sit, grabbing his coat and phone from his desk he left the building.
Driving through the darker side roads he finally pulled up outside the path that led to Gills front door.
It was really quite late now, would she still be up?
Quietly he walked the few paces along the private path until he was standing outside her door.
Her lights were still on and he had made his decision.
Taking one final step forward he pressed his finger on her door bell.