On the Season 8 DVD, the extended version of "If/Then" revealed that Jackson and Cristina had some kind of no-strings affair going on in the AU. So my brain immediately began working on a different version of an April/Jackson post-ep conversation. Hope you enjoy - please let me know!
And, as a side note for those of you following, "Just Let Me Hold You..." - I hope to add to it soon. I've been greatly struggling with trying to figure out what, if anything to do with it. I've got some ideas, it's just a matter of making them concrete. So - hang in there. And again, thanks so much for reading and reviewing!
"You think I'm an idiot, don't you?" April asked, the self-disgust fully evident in her voice as she slowly sat down on the bench, swiping angrily at the tears on her face.
Jackson shrugged. "Maybe. I don't know. Who am I to judge?"
They were the only two left in the locker room now. After a moment of stunned silence, Alex had taken off, not even looking at her before he ran out. Likewise, Charles had left without another word to either of them and of course, Cristina had just stalked out.
April shook her head. "I am so incredibly stupid. I should have known better, I should have –" her voice trailed off and she sighed heavily. "I shouldn't have done it." Before Jackson could respond she shook her head. "I'm sorry. You don't want to hear all this."
Jackson shrugged again. "Maybe not. But I think you need someone to talk to about it, so come on. Let's go over to Joe's; I'll buy you a drink."
April smiled but shook her head again. "You don't have to do that. I'm sure you have much better things to do."
"Nope. My night is wide open," Jackson replied, with just the slightest hint of bitterness in his voice. "C'mon, let's get out of here."
"So," Jackson said once they were settled at a table with their drinks, "Talk to me."
April sighed. "I don't even know what to say."
"Okay, well I'll start with this then – you're not stupid. A little naïve, maybe, but not stupid. I'll admit, I always had the feeling that there was something more to Karev; that maybe he wasn't totally the perfect dude he tried to come across as, but, you know, that's just me." Jackson paused, looking thoughtful. "You, though – you're trusting. You take people at face value. He took advantage of that."
April laughed derisively. "Did he though? I mean, I'm an adult. I should know better than to fool around with my best friend's boyfriend. It just – I don't know – we were on a case together and we came up with this innovative procedure and it was just – so awesome, ya know?"
Jackson nodded. Yeah, he did know. That post-surgical high was better than any drug.
April continued, stammering and blushing through her story, "And so I went to find him later that day and update him on the patient. He was in an on-call room – not sleeping, just resting – and – I guess we were both still just so high on the success of it all – and he kissed me. And it just – I don't know – it just happened." She stopped, took a gulp of her drink and then shook her head firmly. "No. That's not true. I let it happen. I should have said no. But – it just – it was kinda nice. To have a guy actually want me." She let out another short laugh. "Do you know how long it'd been since I'd even kissed someone? I was weak. And so I let it happen."
She paused, staring down into her drink. "I'd like to say that was the only time. But it wasn't. That was months ago and I keep letting it happen. I don't know what I thought. That he'd break up with Meredith and go public with me? That Meredith would somehow understand and still be my friend? That everyone in the hospital wouldn't think I was a backstabbing slut? I knew none of that would happen."
Jackson was quiet, not really knowing what to say and knowing that she didn't really want answers anyway, that she was just trying to work it all out in her head. They'd never been particularly close, but they'd always been friendly, right from the start of their intern class, and she was one of the few Mercy Westers to survive the takeover. So there was a bond there. And, apparently they had more in common than they thought, Jackson realized as he thought back to his earlier conversation with Cristina.
"I knew he didn't love me," April finally said quietly. "But – I thought that maybe he at least cared a little bit. But – he didn't even look at me earlier. I'm nothing to him."
"Dirty little secret," Jackson agreed. "Trust me, I know it sucks."
April snorted. "Yeah, right. Who would keep being with you a secret?" she retorted.
Jackson considered a moment before confessing. "Yang would," he said simply.
April's jaw dropped. "What? You – and –"
Jackson nodded. "For a while now. But only on her terms, only when she feels like it. And I think I'm done with it."
April looked a little stunned by his revelation. "Wow," she said finally. "I – well, I mean – I'm really sorry but I – I have to admit, it's kinda of nice to know I'm not the only one being used."
Jackson cracked a smile at that. "Yeah. You're right. Nice to not feel alone." He reached across the table to squeeze her hand and April smiled back. Yeah. It was nice to have a friend.