The love potion warmed his sweaty, wrinkly palms with its pale pink glow as Gandalf's heartbeat raced faster than Legolas competing with Usain Bolt in the misty mountains. The scenes he had always imagined with Galadriel crossed his mind: her fair, blushing elven complexion under the wedding lace veil; the sweet honey scent of her golden locks and a football team of their own little 'elzards'. She must accept his confession!
Gandalf gulped and made his final decision. Shameful or not, Galadriel would only accept his undying love (more 'undying' than Sauron's wretched soul) under just one circumstance – when she is drugged. Drugged beyond repair with the help of the famous, No-More-Crushes- And-Unrequited-Love-Problems-Under-One-Minute Xtra Strong Formula LOVE POTION made in Izengard. It was recommended by the stone trolls and as stupid as they might seem – the trolls are actually the best love gurus you can have in Middle Earth. Gandalf was confident that just one smell of the pink concoction could make Galadriel fall head over heels, literally.
With a handsome smirk barely visible underneath his grey beard, he set off to Lothlorien.
Gandalf had never been so proud of himself. With his muscular yet elegant limbs, Gandalf had successfully broke into Galadriel's chamber through her window, poured a far-too-generous amount of the pink liquid into her expensive perfume and left immediately through the window again, breathless (reminder: it's time to workout at Elrond's place). That night, everything was beautiful and wonderful in Gandalf's eyes as he slept peacefully, clutching on the piece of 'Guaranteed to work' love potion advert in his palms.
He was up before the eagles, skipping gracefully like a hormonal teenage girl to the love of his life. His hands were trembling with excitement as he knocked on the door of Galadriel's chambers, eager to make 'love at first sight' happen. He was readying himself for the light flutter of kisses by Galadriel until he heard soft kissy noises from inside the room.
Gandalf's heart dropped and his once red, blushing face instantly turned as black as his soul. Millions of questions raced through his mind – why was Galadriel kissing somebody else and who was that fool of a took who saw Galadriel before he did?! His eyes glared daggers into the door and his staff trembled, glowing with a vicious dark green glow. He couldn't take it anymore! So many decades of crushing on the one lady he truly loves and this golden opportunity WASTED!
Before his wizard conscience and logic could stop him, Gandalf found himself tearing the door down, rushing into the bedroom and suddenly being sucked the life out of him as his wise eyes fully registered the image before him.
On her pristine white bed was the love of his life herself, and strangely, no one else. The elf lady's face was scrunched up in pure, raw desire as her smooth skin caressed her silk bed sheets lovingly, pink puckered lips brushing against them. Suddenly, she twirled her bed sheets around her long, lean body and then above her golden locks as a sweet giggle left her mouth. It was a scene straight out of Romeo and Juliet, except Romeo was a bed sheet. It surely did not take long for dumbfounded Gandalf to realise that he had messed up really, really bad this time.
After quickly mumbling some apology for interrupting (the makeout with her bed sheets), Gandalf rushed back to his room with great speed and scrambled about, throwing all his possessions around until he found that one paper.
That one piece of paper that decided them all.
His hands trembled in anxiety as his eyes frantically scanned the yellowed 'guarantee statement' that he had held on so dear last night. It read:
WHOEVER PARTAKES OF THIS POTION
SHALL FALL IN LOVE
WITH THE FIRST THING THE USER SETS SIGHT ON *terms and conditions apply*
Thing. Thing. Gandalf fainted.