HEY! READ THE AUTHOR'S NOTE FIRST!
Okay, first of all, this is NOT a Truth or Dare fiction; so if you bother submitting dares, you'll look like a complete dumbass in front of everyone, so don't. Are we clear? Good.
Secondly, if you haven't read Crazy in Command yet, do so if you want to understand how the story starts. If you're here for the pure, unadulterated humor and don't care how this story starts... You may want to read that too, since it'll give you a good laugh. I swear it!
Thirdly (if that's a word), this is not to insult anyone's Truth or Dare fiction. In all honesty, one of my favorite fictions was a Truth or Dare fic (until its untimely deletion). This is to poke fun at the, somewhat overused, idea of Truth or Dare fics. Thank you very much.
Deadly Dares
Chapter 1: A New Job
"No, no, no!" Master Hand insisted. "This cannot be right! Our bill is 20,000 Smash Coins more than last month's!" He stared fearfully at his bill, which totaled to 27,752 smash coins, more than it has ever been before. This bill was actually a total of the medical, food, water, electric, and all other bills combined into one. But 27,752 coins was too much for a single month!
The Yellow Alloy walked up to him and beeped a bit. Master Hand's unreadable expression then became one of embarrassment. "Oh right... I left Crazy Hand in charge and he destroyed the mansion..." He realized.
After Master Hand's very unwise decision, the mansion had to repaired, and the Smashers all needed therapy or surgery, in some cases, both. More psychiatrists got called up that day than any other day in history. The giant hand sighed. "Well, we still have the vault." He said, trying to find a positive in the situation.
He floated out of his office, three doors down to the Smash Mansion vault, where he kept any excess profits from tournaments or fundraisers. It was a very large, silver safe, nearly 3 times the size of Master Hand himself. Last he checked, he had more than 50,000 smash coins in the vault. He never expected to Smash Brothers tournaments to be such a success.
He put in the combination lock, ready to pay off his hefty debt. He managed to get the code right as he opened up the shiny door. To his greatest disappointment however...
The vault was totally bare of any money!
"CRRRRAAAAAAZZZY!"
Master Hand's fierce bellow was heard throughout the entire universe, accidentally starting a civil war in Hyrule, causing all the mushrooms to wither and die in the Mushroom Kingdom, and causing several masses of land to break apart in the Poke'mon universe, which later became a new area in the next Poke'mon game.
Crazy Hand bashed in through the nearest window. "Yes ma'am?" He crazily said.
"Where is all the money in the safe?" Master Hand asked, panic evident in his voice.
"Well," Crazy Hand began. "I was floating around Smashville with my pet Burning Lion, right? So I walked past this alley and this small, green penguin wearing a pink sweater asked me 'Hey, you love your pet, right?' Then I said 'Yes, I do!' Then he said, 'What if I were to show your pet the amazing world of deliciousness?' and I said 'sure!' and then he handed me a can of lion food and said 'this amazing creation will let your pet enter eternal bliss as he takes bite after bite of this organic, 100% natural, super-healthy lion food! Only 50,000 smash coins per can!' So I said I'd take one. I teleported to the mansion, took the 50 thousand, then gave him the coins, since I thought you would have understood pets and wanted the best for them. A couple days later I went to the super market and I saw the same can on sale for 5 smash coins, but I thought it was just a cheap knock-off. The end!"
Master Hand only stared at Crazy Hand gravely. He had traded 50,000 smash coins... for a single can of PET FOOD? A common brand too! "Now we have no money to pay the debt!" He cried. "What will I tell the smashers?"
While they got on his nerves and raised his blood pressure to the point of no return, Master Hand cared deeply for the smashers, as they were like his family in a way.
"Chillaxe, br0!" Crazy Hand said, patting his brother on the back of his... hand. "I got an idea!"
"What is it?" Master Hand asked, sniffling.
"Okay, first we'll need seven gorillas and a year's supply of cherry-flavored soda!"
"... I'm done for..."
Later
Now dinnertime, all the smashers were eating and talking, unaware of the serious situation that Master Hand was going through.
"I just got a letter from home! My kingdom is going through a massive famine!" Peach said, scanning her letter after sitting down at her usual table.
"Is it a coincidence that my kingdom split into two factions at the same moment yours went into a famine?" Zelda asked, who was reading a similar letter.
The dining room had 6 tables, all quite large, and plenty of chairs for each one. In the center of the room, was a stage, often used for the Alloy team to play music or for announcements.
Master Hand uneasily floated up onto the stage. "Can I have your attention, everyone?" He said nervously.
The conversation died down as all eyes averted to Master Hand.
"Due to... recent events," he said, glaring at Crazy Hand. "We cannot pay our bill for this month. I'm afraid that the tax collector will come and-"
"TAX COLLECTOR!" King Dedede yelled in fear. "THAT MEANS CRAZY HAND DID SOMETHING STUPID AND NOW WE'RE ALL SCREWED! PANIC!"
Suddenly, the whole smasher community broke out into fear and screamed and cried. Even the fearless Meta Knight and Snake were trembling in their shoes at the mention of the hated man.
"SAVE US!"
"MY LIFE IS OVER!"
"I'M TOO SEXY TO BE PENNILESS!"
"THAT MAN WILL ROB ME OF MY EVERYTHING! EVEN MY VIRGINITY!"
"Settle down! Please!" Master Hand begged. "Stop now or I'll leave Crazy Hand in charge again!"
All the Smashers stopped in freeze-frame, many of them stuck in stupid poses such as Ike with a pot over his head, Donkey Kong punching Captain Falcon in the groin, and Sonic giving Ness a wedgie. The mere mention of the words "Crazy Hand" and "charge" in the same sentence were enough to strike even MORE paralyzing fear into the smashers' hearts.
"Now," Master Hand said, more gently this time. "I will be out tomorrow, all day to find a job we can fill in. Until then someone under my decision will be in charge."
"Please don't put Crazy Hand in charge again!" Diddy Kong pleaded. "I still haven't fully recovered from the fact I was transformed into a jar of diseased urine! The urine wasn't even mine!"
"I do not intend to." Master Hand vowed. "I will leave the more sensible, Alloy Team in charge."
The Red Alloy walked up to the podium and waved. It beeped several times, leaving the smashers confused on what it said.
"He said, 'It's great to be here, everyone. I hope we can have a mutual respect of one another.'" Snake translated.
Everyone, including the Alloys, stared at Snake as if he was Crazy Hand.
"What? I'm a master of 6 languages, one of them being robot." He said simply.
Ignoring that statement, Master Hand took the podium again. "Please try not to panic. I will find us jobs... somewhere." He said.
This seemed to calm the smashers down, as they continued to uneasily eat their food and quietly talk.
"Good day to you all." The hand said, floating from the stage. He looked at the four Alloys, one of each color. "I trust you all can handle these smashers?"
They nodded, giving Master Hand some relief. "Whatever comes our way, we will prevail." He said bravely. Crazy Hand then threw a toaster at Master Hand while he wasn't looking. Before Master Hand had time to turn around, Crazy Hand swapped places with Luigi with his awesome powers of teleportation.
Master Hand turned around to see the culprit, Luigi. "You..." He said menacingly.
"It wasn't-a me!" Luigi pleaded.
Since Master Hand was quite upset with all that has recently happened, he punished Luigi by stuffing him inside a large box filled with nothing but rabid ninja bunnies until morning. That was not a good birthday for the plumber.
The Next Day
Master Hand floated around the busy town of Smashville. There plenty of rich folk, so finding a job from them wouldn't be that hard, right?
Wrong.
All of the wealthy did not need any assistance. Master Hand offered the Smashers as bodyguards, workers, even slaves, but they all turned him down. He was at wit's end. He was going to lose everything he held dear to him. He sighed as he glumly started his trek back to the mansion.
A man from the crowd however, noticed the hand. He snapped his fingers, an idea in his head. He dressed in a suit and pair of pants, made only from the finest materials on the planet. Many expensive rings adored his fingers, and a gold watch was on his left wrist. His tanned skin was complimented by his black, well-kept hair, in a similar fashion to Marth's. He smirked as he ran towards the hand. Once he got into range, he called out to him. "Sir Master Hand!"
Master Hand instantly turned around to see the man. "Hello."
The man extended his hand for a shake. "My name is Kael. Kael Goldmin." He greeted. "I come because I have an enticing offer for you."
Master Hand would have nodded, but shook the man's hand instead. "Involving the smashers, am I correct?"
"Yes indeed!" Kael said over-enthusiastically. "You see, I have a dream. Get a bunch of celebrities together and set off the most explosive, most epic thrill ride of the century! However, I need one that can appeal to both a young fanbase, as well as an older one. And who's better at getting fans, young and old, than the famous Smash Brothers?"
Master Hand nodded his non-existent head. "Well, I suppose that makes sense. But we still need to go over other things."
"Well," Kael said. "I have my own studio not far from here. Plus, they only have to show up one time a week, so that'll be much more convenient for you all."
"Hmm..." Master Hand said. "And how much does this job pay?"
"I'm a very wealthy man," Kael said. "If you do agree to my offer, I'll pay you 25,000 smash coins on the spot. For every show we do, I'll pay you an additional 5,000 smash coins. Of course, the smashers will get their fair share too."
"Finally, I must ask what this show is all about." Master Hand asked.
"Everyone always wants to see their favorite celebrity do something ridiculous, or start a new relationship, or do something awful to someone they know. So, I incorporated that idea in a Truth or Dare format." Kael replied. "The audience tells a smasher what to do, they follow their order."
Master Hand would have bit his lip if he had one. His thoughts ran to what sort of dispicable things the fans would do, but he was desperate. After a while of thinking, he cleared the lump in his non-existant throat and said, "Very well."
Kael reached into his pocket to pull out a contract and pen. "I'll need both yours and Crazy Hand's signature."
Master Hand reluctantly signed the paper. "Crazy!" He called out.
Again, Crazy Hand appeared, this time in an explosion of confetti. However, instead of the usual confetti, Jordan almonds appeared instead. "That's the original confetti!" He cackled.
"I need you to sign here." Kael said, giving Crazy Hand the paper.
Crazy Hand looked at the paper, reading it to the fullest in a dignified manner. "Yup! I can swiss the cheese of the magical ponies and pencils!" He said randomly, signing the document with the pen.
"Thank you," Kael said. He rolled up the contract, took out a checkbook, then took the pen back from Crazy Hand. "I'll throw in an extra three grand, just because I like this guy." He said, pointing at Crazy Hand. He wrote a bit in one check, tore it out, then gave it to Master Hand. "Twenty-eight thousand Smash Coins."
Master Hand would have kissed the check, but he had no lips. "Thank you!"
"No, no, thank you." Kael insisted. "You two and the Smashers shall arrive to my studio at 5 P.M. tomorrow." He wrote on the back of another check the address to his studio.
"We appreciate this." Master Hand thanked. "Come along Crazy Hand."
Crazy Hand gave Kael a thumbs up before vanishing in an explosion of pink smoke. When it cleared, a random pumpkin was left in his place. Master Hand took his leave next, heading towards the mansion.
Kael smirked evilly as the hand was out of sight. "Yes... thank you very much..."
Later... Again...
"Can I have your attention everyone?" Master Hand said. Once again, dinner was being served. It was easiest to give everyone the announcements when dinner was served, as they would conveniently all be in one place at the moment.
The smashers' conversations faded as all eyes aimed at Master Hand.
"I am happy to announce that I have been able to pay the debts, so no tax collector shall harass us tonight."
Suddenly, many cheers and shouts came from the crowd. Many of them raised their glasses at the statement. Snake pressed a button on his remote, which caused a piñata to drop from the ceiling, hanging on by a thread. Streamers were flung into the air as Peach brought a giant, chocolate cake from the kitchen with "BURN IN HELL, TAX COLLECTOR" written on it in purple frosting. Captain Falcon came into the room with a boombox and a few stereos and started playing loud dancing music. The peaceful dinner turned into an exciting party as a conga line was being formed.
Yes, the tax collector was that hated.
"STOP!" Master Hand yelled into the microphone. The music stopped and the smashers were, once again, freeze-framed into stupid-looking poses. "However, I expect you all to be in the lobby at 4:30 P.M. tomorrow. Is that clear?"
"Yes Master Hand." The Smashers all said in unison.
"Good... You may continue your party."
Suddenly, the music turned back on and the conga line continued to move. The piñata (and Ike's groin) was hit many times by the stick, letting candy, toys, and tax refunds spill out for all to enjoy (only out of the first one, thankfully).
Crazy Hand randomly teleported next to Master Hand in an explosion of cupcakes, which the children greedily fought over. "DOOD!" He said. "I GOTTA TELL JUU SOMETIN'!"
Master Hand, who was taking part in the festivities, sighed. "What is it?"
"You know that contract, the one that we signed legally to forever bind ourselves and the smashers to whatever trap we are going to fall for since contracts are usually considered to be death-sentences in most media outlets?" Crazy Hand asked.
"Umm... Yes..." Master Hand said. He wouldn't admit it, but he only skimmed through the contract. The document was too long, letters too small, could you really blame him for skimming through it?
"Oh, okay." Crazy replied calmly. "Well, I was just making sure you knew that you signed it."
"So why did you- nevermind." Master Hand knew he would never get straight answers from Crazy Hand, so he decided to just drop the topic and have fun.
Later... Again, again...
Now midnight, the party was over, the smashers were happy, and unspeakable substances were being cleaned off of the floor.
"I sense something... disturbingly foreign." Lucario said gravely after the party. "No wait... that's just Bowser's vomit." Using his aura abilities, he raised the unsanitary substance and placed it into the garbage can.
Everyone was cleaning up the dining hall. Since there were 35 people repairing the damage, it wouldn't take long until they were done with the cleaning. Captain Falcon tore his stereo system down and took it back to his room, Kirby inhaled any leftover food that was dropped onto the floor, and Olimar sent his Pikmin out to clean up the garbage everywhere. Everyone else continued to clean and collect garbage. They conversed amongst one another as they worked.
"You know," Marth said to Pit. "Captain Falcon has surprisingly good taste in music." He recalled "Time in a Bottle" being played, despite how out-of-place that was compared to many other songs in Captain Falcon's songlist.
Pit nodded, picking up a candy wrapper. "I'd like to get a copy of that one song he had in there... 'Accidentally in Love' was it?"
"HA!" Falco laughed, joining into the conversation. "You honestly liked that one? Please! 'Poker Face' actually fit with the party."
"Lady Gaga's just another corrupt Hollywood icon that the music industry is forcing on us!" Ganondorf replied, joining into the heated debate. This turned a few heads. "If anything, 'Treat Her Like a Lady' was worthy of being on that setlist."
Soon, the four smashers started to argue and squabble, soon resorting to physical violence, using chairs, bowling balls, gallons of milk, seaweed, and other random items to beat the living crap out of one another. Soon, Jigglypuff and Wolf joined the brawl, just because they had nothing better to do. Said items were supplied by Crazy Hand, who had the uncanny ability to make objects out of thin air.
Meanwhile, the Snake and Wario were having a game of chess to pass the time.
"Can I go here?"
"No."
"How about here?"
"No."
"What about here?"
"No. Then my rook will take out your King."
"Okay... HAH! How'd that?"
"Check."
"You know your Queen is missing the top piece, right?"
"I know, Wario."
"Okay... BAM! Hahaha! Try and beat that! Your headless queen is DEAD!"
"Checkmate."
"WHAT? Impossible! How about I go here?"
"My pawn will kill your king."
"Here?"
"Knight."
"Here?"
"Your own pawn is in the way."
"GAAAHH!" Wario then ate the chess board in frustration. "I HATE THINKING!"
Snake groaned desperately. "I'll just play with Samus next time... And you owe me ten coins for that chess set."
"NEVER!" Wario hissed. He got into a battle stance. "I shall never pay a debt to anyon- HACK!" He was interrupted when Snake started to choke him.
Elsewhere, Peach was cleaning under the tables. She curiously looked at one peculiar object. It was a round, green ball that could be held in her hand. She picked it up and inspected it. "Eww!" Peach cried, throwing the object back onto the ground. It started to grow some hair and a pair of eyes.
Mario immediately rushed over to the damsel in distress. "What-a is it?"
"KILL IT! KILL IT!" Peach demanded. She latched onto Mario's neck, grabbing her frying pan and menacingly pointed at the mutant object.
"DON'T!" Crazy Hand screeched, floating at inhumane speeds to defend the object. "This is no ordinary mutant-like, gooey, green, object of no real origin! It's my new Fuzzmonkey!"
Link and Zelda decided to join into the conversation after overhearing it. "A what?" Zelda asked.
"A Fuzzmonkey!" Crazy Hand repeated. The 'fuzzmonkey' jumped on top of Crazy Hand, then started to bleed purple ooze. "See? It's going through camoflaugution!"
"I think that's 'metamorphosis.'" Zelda corrected. She knew 'camoflaugution' wasn't a real word, but it was like Crazy Hand to invent words.
Crazy then through a brick at her for correcting her. But thanks to her Sheikiah training, Zelda reacted quickly by ducking her head. "Ha!"
The brick hit the wall behind her and, as if made of rubber, bounced back to hit her in the back of the head, knocking her out. Being her bodyguard/boyfriend, Link quickly rushed to her aid. "Why did you do that?" Link questioned angrily.
Crazy responded by throwing an octopus at the Hylian. It latched onto Link's face, unwilling to let go thanks to its suction-cup like things on the tentacles.
"GET IT OFF!" He screamed, attempting to pull the sea creature off his face. "HELP!"
Ike was the first to respond. He quickly ran up to Link and punched the octopus where Link's nose should be.
"Ow!" Poor Link yelled.
"I'll save you, big me!" Toon Link heroically sang. He tackled the bigger Link to the ground. Now standing on the normal Link's chest, Toon Link grabbed the octopus and pulled with all his might using Link's chest as leverage, breaking a few of Link's ribs. It didn't work.
"You idiots," Bowser sighed. "You don't get an octopus off like that. You need to think. This thing won't come off from brute force. You need precise aiming and timing plus the proper tools to get this delicate creature off one's face... CALAMARI!" Without warning, he then belched fire onto Link's downed body. Link set on fire, but the octopus still refused to come off.
"I'M ON FIRE!" Link, unable to see, ran around in panic to find the nearest water source. He unknowingly dunked his head into a pot of some kind of liquid. Unknown to him, it was a pot filled with gasoline.
BOOM!
The explosion caused by the gasoline finally caused the octopus to detach not out of pain, but out of annoyance. Link, now completely black from the soot, clumsily walked up to Bowser, putting a hand on his shoulder for support.
"Thanks Bowser." Link said dazedly, falling to the ground unconscious. Coincidentally, he landed right next to Zelda.
"Anytime!" Bowser said proudly.
"Nrrgh..." Zelda groaned as she awoke. "What happened?"
Crazy Hand then dropped a computer on Zelda's head, knocking her out... again.
"Where do you get all these-a random items?" Mario asked honestly.
Crazy threw a watermelon at the plumber, who was tragically hit in the face.
Meta Knight walked into the room to see Marth, Pit, Falco, Ganondorf, Jigglypuff, and Wario beating each other up with blunt objects over choice of music, Snake breaking Wario's neck for refusing to pay him, Crazy Hand cuddling with the bleeding Fuzzmonkey, Zelda and Link half-dead on the floor, Peach being scared out of her mind by Crazy's Fuzzmonkey, Mario covered in watermelon, many random objects on the ground, and a stray octopus waiting for the next bus to the coast.
"What did I miss?"
Alright! First chappie is up. How's that for randomness and humor? Hmm? Let me get your opinion/review/hatred of my guts! Wait... I don't like that last one...
Anyways, this is more or less of an introduction chapter. The next one is where all the "dares" start coming into play, so stay tuned! ^_^
-SK signing out.