Fifteen Years of Pursuing My Best Friend.
And, again…
… I pick up my paper and pencil.
And write a letter to you.
Hello, Marco. It's Jean again.
It's been a year since I've sent my first letter. I'm keeping that promise, by the way! I'm not opening that letter of yours until fifteen years after you gave it to me, I know!
Well, more like fourteen years now…
There's no way I'm giving up! I bet you're laughing at me right now, though, because I always give up on things that take a fuck of a long time, but I'm not giving up on this one.
One thing, though. It's been a goddamn year and you haven't replied once…
Reply soon!
How's your day going, Marco?
Mine's not going so well… Not only did Jaeger decide that teasing me about my horse face (do I really have one?) was a good idea, but I was so focused on thinking about what to write to you that I didn't notice that my house was on fucking fire. Don't worry, I'm not blaming you!
Either way, it's the second year worth of letters. Two years of constant writing, I swear, my right hand can write forever at this rate.
Ugh, I don't have enough money to recover my house, so tent life, here I come. I have a postal box, though, so be sure to send me stuff!
Reply soon!
Sorry I haven't been writing as often recently, Marco.
I think that I like writing a lot. Considering how often I write to you, it's expected… But I'm really getting into it now!
I hope that you don't mind that I've been publishing some of these letters online (you're anonymous, don't worry!), because I've gotten pretty popular. I have a fanpage, apparently. It'd be hella awesome if you checked it out; I know you're my number one fan.
Third year of letters! I haven't opened that letter of yours yet, I bet you thought I would have given up by now!
Reply soon!
Marco, is life treating you well recently?
I think that my life is finally turning upwards. You remember that magazine that you and Armin used to read back in junior high? The one that I found boring?
Guess who started submitting articles to it.
Yep, you guessed it: Me, myself, and I.
I've been invited to write some random stuff for them and it seems that they've gotten more popular since I've started contributing. It's obviously my amazing writing skills that are helping them.
Oh yeah, and I've started writing a lot of poetry. I like it now (stop laughing, just because I hated it way back when doesn't mean I hate it now) because it's more free than normal writing. I had always wondered why you liked it so much…
So I'm dedicating all of my poems to you. Well, you're always on my mind when I write poems, so they're all for you either way. My first poem book is being published soon, and I hope you try looking through it.
This is the fourth year of letters, by the way! Did you notice? Four years already have passed…
If only you would reply, just once…
Reply soon!
Hey Marco, did anything interesting happen today?
I officially went professional poet. I'm pretty damn popular now, especially with females from age twenty to thirty-four, according to a survey. But you know, I should be more popular with males of age 20.
You are twenty, right? Pretty sure my memory's still good.
Yeah, they're all for you, and will always be specifically dedicated to you, my dear Marco Bott. Fuck, why do I sound all cheesy?
Don't worry, I'll never love my fans as much as I love you!
Happy Fifth Letter Anniversary, Marco.
Reply soon!
How's the weather where you are, Marco?
I hope that you're okay. I'm not, honestly. I'm in the hospital right now, because I drank a bit too much last night. And the night before that…. And before that.
Yeah, so within the past year, I've been able to break all of my bones and damage each of my organs at least once. I'm writing anyway, just to tell you that six years have passed.
I've wrote over 2,000 poems about and for you now, Marco. Have you read one? I saw one being used for some ad while I was on the highway the other day (when I was sober, don't worry). They're all for you, Marco, all for you.
Reply soon!
Seven years have passed already, Marco.
And you still haven't responded once… oh well, I'd like to think that you're sitting around reading through my letters today… My roughly 2,556 different letters. Good luck reading through all of them. I know they're pretty short, but they still take time!
I've decided to join the military, by the way. It'll be harder to find time to write, but I'll write as much as I can nevertheless.
I wonder, what else should I say? This letter is special after all; seven is a lucky number… Lance Corporal Levi (the short guy leading my squad, maybe you've heard of him?) suggested that I compare my love for you to the joy of cleaning. I think I'll refrain from doing that, because frankly, not everyone likes cleaning as much as the Lance Corporal…
I know! Remember those many times when we would go to the valley and just run around, telling each other everything? Remember when I told you I wanted to join the Royal Police? Ha, that was back when I fucking hated writing and swore with every sentence…
And in case you were wondering, Jaeger and I are on pretty good terms now. He, Mikasa, and Armin are in the same squad is me. We still get into the occasional fight, just for old time's sake, but Mikasa keeps getting in the way. They all say hi.
Reply soon!
Nothing really changed around here, what about you, Marco?
I mean, another thousand or so poems have been added to the list (of course they're all about you), and I've been inspired by so much due to my time in the military, but otherwise, nothing much….
I nearly forgot! This is the eighth year worth of letters, Marco! What should I say today, what should I say?
Fuck, how could I almost forget…? Remember when we snuck out of the house that one summer? I recall that you didn't really want to, because you thought your parents would be worried, but it was in the middle of the night, and I told you they wouldn't notice!
The stars were really pretty that night, don't you remember? But I forgot to tell you one thing – they were fucking beautiful reflected in your eyes.
Reply soon!
Marco.
Something happened to me. I don't exactly remember what. The doctors say I got into a car crash on the way home one day, but whatever it was, I hit my head really hard.
I don't remember what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't even remember who I am…
The only thing I know, right now, is that I love you.
Reply, please… I need to remember why I love you.
Two years have passed, Marco, and not a single reply.
I still don't really remember anything. Some small things came back, like some really faded memories from my childhood… If I really concentrate (and this makes my head hurt, by the way), then I can sort of remember what you look like.
You had freckles… a lot of them. You had twenty-three on your face, eleven on the left of your face and twelve on the right. Your hair was always parted in the middle… the style reminds me of Commander Levi.
I'm glad I remember, now. At least I can see who I fell in love with… and I admit - you're really attractive.
I also remember that I've been writing letters to you, every single day… and I've been continuing that well. This would be the eleventh year.
Please reply soon.
More time has passed before I even noticed, Marco.
I still don't fully know who you are, who I am, why I love you. I struggle to remember, each and every day.
The only thing I understand: I love you. I still do, even after bashing my head against concrete and losing everything else.
This is the thirteenth year, Marco, the thirteenth year that I've sent you letters. And I still love you now. My love for you is the only thing I have left.
Reply soon.
Fourteen years, Marco.
And no reply yet. I hope you take the time to read these, though.
Even though I don't really know you, I write these without fail… and I hope you read them without fail. And smile.
I remember that your smile was absolutely dazzling. And now when I think about it, I start turning bright red and everything becomes warm.
Marco, I'd like to see you. I'd like to talk to you… and get to know you again.
I'm sorry my letters are so short. I just don't know what to say.
Reply?
Fifteen years since the first letter.
I went to pick up another piece of paper, and I couldn't find one. I only found a letter – from Marco to me.
Jean, open this in fifteen years. Love, Marco.
I read.
Suddenly, I understood.
Suddenly, I remembered.
Good morning, Marco.
I remember.
My name is Jean Kirschstein. Back when you knew me, I was an aggressive, possessive, and sort of annoying fifteen-year-old.
I got into fights with Eren Jaeger, there were rumors that I had a crush on his adopted sister, Mikasa Ackerman, and I hated writing.
But then, fifteen years ago, you passed away.
Something happened to me, and I started sending you letters. I sent you one every day, and even though I knew you would never reply, I would ask you, the Marco that I imagined, to send me a message.
Here, now, fifteen years later, I know.
Marco, I love you.
Reply soon!
Satisfied with my writing, I folded the letter carefully, smiling, and opened a door in my newly restored house – the one that I had burned down thirteen years ago.
It was a door that I had never opened, even though I knew what was behind it.
What was behind it, you ask?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
It was the door to Marco's room, my beloved Marco's room, the very room that he had slept in a few nights before he was admitted into the hospital.
Admitted into the hospital, where he had passed into the void.
My smile faded slightly. "Please read this letter too, Marco."
And I tossed the letter into the room.
Will my love letters reach you, were I to keep writing more and more?
Each and every day, I tossed more and more letters into that room...
Into the room that used to be yours.
I know that you're no longer by my side.
Even though I know, I'll keep loving you.
Maybe, just maybe, I can persuade you to wait, wherever you are.
Maybe, just maybe, we can meet again.
This is the sixteenth year that I've sent letters to you, Marco.
This marks my sixteenth year of waiting for a reply.
And, again…
… I pick up my paper and pencil.
And write a letter to you.
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