Rating: M
Words: 4700
Pairing: None at this point
Warnings: Drinking, Kakashi angst, Tenzo angst, mention of death, nightmares, ptsd
Author's Note: I wasn't happy with this story the way it stood because I didn't properly lay the groundwork for what was coming. Now that I have a better idea of where I'm going, I went back and edited. There haven't been a lot of changes. Mostly inner cringing at my earlier writing and clearing up a couple of plot points. Plus, I combined chapter one and two to make a more cohesive chapter.
The cool autumn air swirled through the village of Konoha, twisting between the buildings as if left behind the scent of damp and decaying leaves. Dusk painted the sky the color of a deep bruise, streaked with red and gold, and the chill had driven nearly everyone inside so quiet hung in the air. Silence shrouded the cemetery and a few crimson, orange, or yellow leaves drifted down on the breeze. A lone figure knelt by one of the grave markers, his black and grey armor blending into the shadows, while his pale hair stood out in sharp contrast. Kakashi's fingers caressed the name carved into the stone.
Curled in the shadowed branches of a nearby tree, Tenzo watched his captain. His own ANBU armor greedily drank in the darkness but for the white mask hanging from one hand. A similar mask lay on the ground by Kakashi's feet. Kakashi was speaking, and though the words were too soft to hear, Tenzo had observed this ritual before. Kakashi was telling his former teammate about their mission.
After making his report to the Hokage, Kakashi had come straight to the grave without delaying to clean himself up. The dried blood sprayed across the front and side of his vest was still visible. While Kakashi had been wounded, Tenzo knew most of the blood on his uniform belonged to the two teammates they'd lost today. Tenzo wondered if Kakashi shared those dark details with the girl he'd lost so long ago. Probably not.
As night fell more deeply, wrapping the world in its velvety cloak, Tenzo slipped to the ground and made his way toward Kakashi. Before coming here, Tenzo had stopped to pick up a bottle of whiskey, something he rarely had occasion for on his own. He didn't particularly like feeling out of control of his emotions, but after what happened today, Tenzo thought Kakashi could use the company. If he'd allow Tenzo to get close to him, that was.
Kakashi spoke without turning toward the other man. He crouched now, rather than kneeling on the damp grass. "I was wondering when you'd make your presence known. What do you want, Tenzo?"
"Do I need a reason?" Tenzo shifted the bottle in his hand, wondering if he dared admit to not wanting to be alone.
The man before him had earned the nickname Coldblooded Kakashi for a reason, after all. But Tenzo didn't think Kakashi was as heartless as he led everyone to believe. Calloused men didn't spend their time in a graveyard mourning lost friends. He sighed. "I don't know, I just thought— "
"You're too old for this to be the first mission where you've lost someone." Kakashi interrupted, turning to gaze at Tenzo over his right shoulder, dark half-mask hiding his expression. Kakashi spoke of death like an old friend, and his voice made the cold wind feel like a summer breeze.
Tenzo felt a blush creep toward his cheeks. "That doesn't mean I have to like it."
Kakashi stood, brushing the grass from his pants, before turning to look at Tenzo. "No, it doesn't, but you have to respect their sacrifice."
"I do," Tenzo whispered softly, realizing he'd made a mistake. It didn't seem that his captain would tolerate, much less welcome company tonight. Kakashi was one of the most brilliant shinobi alive, but he could also be distant, ruthless, and arrogant. Tenzo had heard that Kakashi was insufferable until the death of his teammates, but he hadn't tried to pry into the captain's past.
Kakashi tugged the bottle from Tenzo's hands, drawing him back to reality. "I didn't count you for a drinker, Tenzo." If he'd known everything Tenzo had been through, Kakashi might have understood his urge to lose himself in something, anything, other than reality.
"I'm not really," he answered. "But it seemed fitting."
Kakashi nodded, spinning the top off the bottle in his hand. "You know the rest of our team will be doing the same thing in a bar somewhere, right? Drinking to their memory, I mean."
"You don't go with them?" Tenzo glanced at Kakashi from the corner of his eye. While the man was a step above them as captain, but he was generally well liked among the other men and women in ANBU. It surprised Tenzo that he would hold himself away from them when they were all grieving over the same losses.
"I'm their captain, part of them but separate." Kakashi ran fingers through his silver hair. "They can't see weakness or they'll question my strength when it matters. You shouldn't either." His single, uncovered eye focused on Tenzo's face.
The younger man frowned, realizing that Kakashi had revealed a crack in his usually impenetrable armor. "I would never question your strength, senpai. You're only human."
Kakashi laughed, short and brittle. Rather than answering, he tipped up the bottle up, and took a long swallow of the brown liquid. "To Nobuo and Akiko," he murmured, then passed it to Tenzo.
Imitating Kakashi was another bad idea, and Tenzo tried not to betray the way the alcohol burned his throat. Kakashi watched him cap the bottle, then looked down at the grave one, last time before turning to face his teammate. "I'm surprised you're even old enough to buy alcohol, Tenzo," he chuckled.
"I'm an elite ANBU shinobi, do you think I'd let a little thing like my age stop me from getting what I wanted?" It bothered Tenzo that he'd been putting his life on the line for the village for more than ten years before he'd been allowed to drink.
"I think that you'd follow the rules to the letter, but that's what makes you a good shinobi." Kakashi smiled. Though Tenzo couldn't see it, he knew it was there.
The younger man's own smile barely curled the corners of his mouth. The alcohol hit his empty stomach hard, warming him even as it fuzzed his thoughts. Did killing when he was told make him a good shinobi? The men he'd fought were likely mourned as much as his own teammates were. Would their names be engraved on a village memorial stone somewhere? Would their friends stand by their graves, telling them about the world they were missing?
Warmth radiating from his shoulder drew Tenzo back to present. For the second time in as many minutes, Kakashi pulled him back from his bleak thoughts. "Don't think about it. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to reconcile the cost."
"If it's not worth the cost, why do we do it?" Tenzo looked at his captain, and wondered how long it had taken Kakashi to become so closed off. Shutting down all emotion was one way to deal with the ones that he didn't want to feel.
"Because someone has to." Kakashi's voice was emotionless and he didn't give Tenzo long to think about the question. He nodded toward the gate. "Come on, if you think about things too much after a mission you'll explode. Let's get changed, and see if we can't find the rest of our team."
Tenzo nodded and followed Kakashi back to town, feeling even emptier than before.
Three hours later, Kakashi shut the door to his apartment and leaned against it to take off his sandals. Each member of his team was now safely deposited in their own rooms, sleeping off the effects of too much alcohol. True to his earlier predictions to Tenzo, the other two shinobi on their team had already found a bottle, drinking to both the success of their mission, and the memory of their friends.
Kakashi was like glue, binding them together so Tenzo could blend seamlessly into the group that he usually held himself aside from. Kakashi had been careful to add only a few sips of alcohol to what he'd already shared with Tenzo. He wanted to make certain he could get everyone back to their rooms safely. That, and because he didn't trust himself to lose control around them. Not letting those under his leadership see weakness was someone Kakashi believed firmly in. Despite the soft warmth behind his eyes, Kakashi was otherwise unaffected by the alcohol.
Placing his shoes neatly to the side, Kakashi walked across the dark apartment while untying his hitai-tae. Pale hair fell into his eyes as he dropped the headband on the table, then flopped into a chair. A faint grunt slipped out as he leaned his head back, closing his eyes. Two more that he couldn't save despite his best efforts. Kakashi gave himself a few minutes to feel the angry ache of loss in his chest, then regulated his breathing and brought his emotions back under control. Reflection on regrets wouldn't accomplish anything.
Shrugging out of the standard green flak vest, Kakashi laid it over the second chair at the table and lifted his shirt. The fabric stuck to his side, glued there by blood. Though he had changed out of his ANBU uniform before going to the bar, Kakashi hadn't taken the time to treat his wounds as he should have, and the hasty bandage had shifted at some point, exposing the gash in his side. Peeling the cloth away, Kakashi pressed the skin around the cut. It needed stitched, most likely, but he didn't feel like being poked and prodded by the medical ninjas. Instead, he washed the cut with water and applied a new bandage. It would be good enough for tonight.
Tugging off his shirt off, Kakashi laid it and his mask aside. Unbidden, images of his lost teammate swam before his eyes. Akiko's green eyes full of terror as her life gurgled from the slit in her throat. Was that worth the intel they'd brought back to the village? Her face shifted to the eternally youthful one of Rin and a pang of regret ripped through the shinobi's chest. Kakashi shook his head, and pushed himself to his feet, stumbling toward the sink.
He splashed cool water on his face, and let his chin fall against his chest as he scrubbed damp fingers through his hair. What he needed was a shower and sleep, but the softened edges from drinking were already beginning to fade. He removed the rest of his gear but for his pants and selected a bottle from the ones sitting on his counter. His duty was done, both to his team and ANBU, so he could finally remove the front of strength he hid behind. He'd worn it for so long that Kakashi wondered if he was losing touch with his real self.
Taking a glass and the bottle, Kakashi dropped onto the couch and poured himself a glass up to the brim. If he thought back hard enough, Kakashi could remember the boy that cried and beat at the rock pinning Obito. He could recall the fresh pain he hadn't expected to feel. He'd always thought Obito was a worthless hindrance that held him back. Right up until the day the boy sacrificed himself for Kakashi.
Shuddering, Kakashi took a long pull on the alcohol, letting it burn its way through his throat. Even breathing was a sweet pain that reminded Kakashi he was alive. Tomorrow, he would go back to being Cold Blooded Kakashi, the heartless prodigy. Tomorrow, he would go back to being above emotion and pain. But for now, he tipped up the glass, losing himself in the pain and the memories.
Kakashi had finished his third, maybe fourth, glass when he heard clumsy banging on his door. It was well past the time that visitors could be expected, not that he ever received any. Frowning, he stood and steadied himself before pulling it open. The man standing outside looked far too inebriated to be out of bed.
"Tenzo?' The surprise in Kakashi's voice was impossible to disguise. "What are you doing here?" The man wore the sleeveless black shirt and matching pants of ANBU, but his usual head protector was missing. Instead, his brown hair stuck up in all directions, and his eyes were sleep-puffed and red.
"Shouldn't carry it alone," Tenzo's words were slurred almost to the point of unintelligible, but Kakashi understood on the third try. His kohai's voice rose louder each time that Kakashi failed to understand what he was trying to say.
Shaking his head, Kakashi put one hand firmly on Tenzo's muscled shoulder and drew him into the apartment before he could cause a scene in the hallway. The earnestness of Tenzo's words was at odds with the smile plastered on his face. It was then that Kakashi realized the younger man hadn't bothered to put his sandals on before walking here. Kakashi couldn't help but chuckle.
"You've had too much to drink tonight, Ten-chan." Tenzo frowned at the diminutive honorific but Kakashi spoke faster than his alcohol numbed mind could keep up with. "Let's get you back to your room."
Tenzo pulled away, sagging against the wall and almost falling. "Mean it, Kakashi. You don't always have to be the strong one." He focused hard on forming the syllables in each word to make himself understood. "Want to talk about it?"
Talking about it was perhaps the last thing Kakashi wanted to do, but seeing that Tenzo wouldn't be dissuaded, Kakashi nodded toward the couch. "I'm going to have another drink, maybe three to their memories. You can join me if you wish."
It was pointless to argue, and Tenzo would fall asleep soon anyway. Helping him to the couch, Kakashi poured himself another drink and half for Tenzo. The younger man didn't appear to notice as he drained the liquid in one gulp. Kakashi lifted his own but only touched the cool glass to his lips without drinking.
Dammit, the alcohol must be slowing his mind if it took him that long to realize he wasn't wearing his mask, or a shirt for that matter. Placing his glass on the table in front of the couch, Kakashi pushed himself to his feet, and walked toward his bedroom.
"Where're you going," Tenzo's words were heavily slurred from the alcohol, and Kakashi didn't bother answering.
The last thing Kakashi wanted tonight was company, but with Tenzo looking at him like a lost puppy, Kakashi didn't have the heart to turn him away. The man needed comradery as much as Kakashi needed isolation. He needed the time alone to put himself back together, to repair the cracks in his façade of strength.
Kakashi paused in the dimness of his bedroom, exhaling and collecting himself. He would sit up with Tenzo until the man fell asleep, not drinking any more alcohol. That way he could keep some semblance of control over his emotions. The dizzy buzz through Kakashi's body told him that he'd already drank more than he should have.
Kakashi was pulling a shirt over his head when he heard the crash. Cursing, he stepped into the hallway and found Tenzo lying on the ground, table flipped over behind him. The bottle was thankfully still capped but Kakashi's drink was spreading in a puddle across the floor. Laughter at the scene bubbled up faster than anger at the mess.
"You really can't hold your drink," Kakashi chuckled, helping Tenzo back to his feet long enough to fall back onto the couch. "I think you've had enough for one night, maybe enough for an entire month." The man mumbled something but his words were indistinct.
Kakashi patted Tenzo's shoulder and settled on the couch beside him. As much as he wanted another drink, or five, Kakashi wouldn't drink in front of Tenzo. As captain, he was responsible for each person on his team. Alcohol had never actually solved anything, but Kakashi found himself longing for that blissful void of forgetfulness where the pain drifted away. Tenzo reclined on the couch, dark eyes drifting shut as he brought an arm over his eyes, like the dim light was too bright. His breathing was steadying out, and Kakashi assumed that Tenzo had already fallen asleep or was well on the way. Tenzo wasn't used to being drunk, and the full effect was hitting him hard.
Leaving the slumbering form on the couch, Kakashi righted the table and walked to kitchen for a rag to clean up the spilled alcohol. When he came back, Tenzo was muttering apologies under his breath, sinking deeper into the cushions behind him in a position that looked distinctly uncomfortable. His head was tipped to the side, neck bent, and he was lying on his right shoulder, arm thrown out. If Tenzo slept like that all night, he was going to be sore in the morning.
Kakashi wiped up the liquid with a cloth, then and carried that and his glass toward the kitchen. He could still hear Tenzo groaning in the other room, his apologies growing louder, more fervent. "It's fine," Kakashi called back, tossing the cloth into the sink.
When Tenzo cried out suddenly, Kakashi dropped the glass on the counter and hurried to his side. It took him a few seconds to realize Tenzo was still asleep, eyes squeezed shut while he trembled. Though he didn't often see other people having them, Kakashi was intimately familiar with nightmares. They'd been his constant companion since Obito and Rin.
Kneeling beside Tenzo, Kakashi shook him. "Wake up, Tenzo." The man whimpered deep in his throat and twisted, trying to get away. Kakashi tightened his grip, fingers digging into Tenzo's shoulders. "You're dreaming, Tenzo. Wake up."
Kakashi's voice came out as a growl and he was forced to let go when Tenzo swung wildly at whatever he was dreaming about. Kakashi caught his fist, and forced it away as he settled back on his heels. With one last tremble, the man was still, though his breathing was ragged. Kakashi shook his head, and placed a hand on the couch to push himself up.
"Whatever it is, it can't hurt you here," Kakashi murmured.
Tenzo's hand clasped around Kakashi's wrist like a vice, preventing him from moving away. "I couldn't save them, Kakashi, I couldn't save any of them."
"I'm sure you did your best," Kakashi returned, unsure whom or what Tenzo was referring to. "We can't save them all, as much as we'd like to."
If the man took any comfort in his words, it was impossible for Kakashi to tell. Despite everything, Tenzo still hadn't opened his eyes. Sighing, Kakashi pulled his wrist free and threw a blanket over Tenzo's prone form. There was no point in dragging the man back to his own room tonight.
At least this way, Kakashi could be certain there would be no trouble. He vaguely wondered if he should warn the man about the dangers of alcohol tomorrow. Probably. Kakashi picked up the bottle from where it had rolled when the table overturned, and carried it to his room, shutting the door behind him.
Rin wept in his arms, tears running down her face as she begged Kakashi to kill her. All he could think about was the promise he made to Obito as the boy lay dying. He'd sworn to protect Rin, no matter what the cost. Did that supersede his allegiance to the village? It didn't matter. No matter how many times she asked him to, Kakashi could never take Rin's life. Not in this world or any other, with or without his promise to Obito.
She was the only thing he had left. His father was gone, Obito was gone, there was nothing left except for her. Rather than answering, he smoothed a hand over her brown hair until she stopped crying. It didn't take much time. The tears stopped flowing as if they'd never been, and he promised her that they'd find a way to fix things.
His soul screamed as he gazed into Rin's startled eyes, mere inches from his own. Kakashi's hand was warm from the blood running over it, Rin's blood. His chidori, the one thing he thought would become his best strength was his undoing. The chakra on his hand flickered briefly then went out, leaving him empty. Blood was starting to run down her chin as tears streamed down his own face. He could feel the damp warmth through his mask even if he couldn't breathe, think, or move. Then she smiled and whispered his name, voice breaking like his heart as he watched the light fade from her eyes.
"Rin, why? Why couldn't you wait until we got back to the village," Kakashi sobbed. "I promised to protect you, both of you." Obito's disapproving frown glared at him. Though the boy would never know it, Kakashi had failed him. There was nothing he could do but watch the endless loop of death play before his eyes.
This time, Kakashi screamed before his hand slid through Rin's chest, begging her to move out of the way. She met his eyes, and leaped directly in his path. His hand was warm with her blood, his face with his tears. Over and over, time and time again, he watched Rin and Obito both die. If he'd been only a moment faster, maybe he could have saved them, maybe it could have been different.
Kakashi woke panting and paralyzed, body refusing to obey his command to move, or reach for the bottle on the nightstand. He jerked frantically, desperate to be free.
"Your nightmares are loud," Tenzo's voice was husky with sleep, his breath warm against Kakashi's neck. The jonin's heart stuttered in his chest when he realized that he wasn't paralyzed. He couldn't move because Tenzo's arms were around him, pinning his own from flailing. He tried to fit this memory into place but couldn't.
"So are yours," Kakashi answered uncertainly, finding his voice. Tenzo was half asleep still, Kakashi could tell that much from his voice, but that meant he was half awake as well. For a moment, Kakashi almost didn't ask, he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer, but curiosity got the better of him. "Who couldn't you save, Tenzo?"
The man unwound his arms from Kakashi and sat up. The loss of his warmth made Kakashi shiver. Tenzo was silent for a long time, and Kakashi lay motionless, back to Tenzo. He'd given up on getting an answer when the man spoke. "There were other kids, like me. Orochimaru tested dozens of us, injecting us with the First Hokage's cells in hopes that we would be able to use wood technique. I watched them all die around me, in tubes of green liquid meant to keep us alive. Then, there was only me left, alone in the darkness. I couldn't save any of them." Tenzo snagged the bottle from the nightstand and took a drink, then came up sputtering.
Kakashi sat up as well, taking the bottle from Tenzo, half so he could get another drink and half because Tenzo didn't need more. He remembered well the facility where Tenzo had nearly killed him on Danzo's orders, the place where the sannin had done human testing. Kakashi sighed. "How long have you been having nightmares?" He took a drink and turned to face Tenzo. Belatedly, he remembered his earlier decision not to drink but given the current situation, it could hardly get any worse.
"For as long as I can remember." Tenzo scrubbed through his hair, obviously trying to fight the rising tide of intoxication. Sighing, Kakashi handed him the bottle and let him have another, small drink. Tenzo didn't even flinch this time. "How about you? How long have you had nightmares?"
Despite everything, Kakashi laughed. "Since I was a kid. It's part of our job as shinobi. We live with the nightmares of what we did, so nobody else has to."
"It's not fair," Tenzo grunted. "Why am I responsible for that? Why do we have to give so much?"
Kakashi sighed. He'd questioned the path once, but now he was committed to seeing it to the end. Probably on the wrong end of kunai. "Because we're shinobi," he answered, keeping his morose thoughts to himself.
"So our lot in life is to watch everyone and everything we care about get torn away and destroyed while showing no emotion? We're humans, not animals; I don't know how to turn this off." Tenzo shuddered, alcohol feeding his lack of emotional control.
Feeling the weight of the words, Kakashi placed a hand on Tenzo's bare shoulder. He was struck with just how young Tenzo was, in more than age. "This isn't Root. You can have emotion here."
"I don't want to," Tenzo groaned, tears finally spilling down his cheeks only to be brushed away instantly. "I can't act like none of these lives we're taking, and losing don't matter." Tenzo's dark eyes found Kakashi's in the darkness. "How have you done this for so long?"
"Just keep breathing, and putting one foot in front of the other." Kakashi could have told him a dozen things. The proof that Kakashi drank this much when out of the public eye should have screamed he that was handling it poorly. He raised a hand to rub at his sleep filled eyes, glancing down at the tangle of sheets around him. The single window spilled moonlight on the bed, glinting off the kunai he'd fallen asleep holding, an obscene security blanket. Picking it up, Kakashi spun it slowly through his fingers, wondering what Tenzo wanted him to say. "It gets easier."
Tenzo scoffed. "You're lying."
"Maybe," Kakashi mumbled, "but it's a necessary lie." Laying the kunai aside, he shook his head to clear the residual dizziness from the alcohol though it didn't help much. It was late, closer to dawn than midnight. "Did I wake you up?"
The man nodded, dark eyes bleary. "You were having a nightmare. You kept screaming in your sleep, so I came to check on you."
"And decided to get in bed with me as well?" Kakashi asked, peering over his shoulder. The effect of his stare was somewhat ruined by the unfocused expression alcohol painted on his face.
Tenzo's cheeks grew red, if only slightly. "I didn't want you to hurt yourself. You were waving that kunai around like you were surrounded by enemies. It seemed a bad idea to let you flail around after drinking as much as you did."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Kakashi peered at the younger man more seriously now. "You were nearly passed out on the couch, how do you have any idea if I've had too much to drink?"
Tenzo lifted the bottle in his hand. There was hardly any liquid left sloshing around; it had been nearly full when carried it to his room. Had Kakashi drank that much without realizing to forget everything that had happened? Groaning, he rubbed a hand over his face. His head spun when he moved too quickly. Taking the bottle from Tenzo, Kakashi reached across him to put it back on the nightstand. "We've both had enough," he mumbled, falling back to the pillows, and rolling onto his side.
Part of Kakashi wanted to tell Tenzo it was time to go back to his own room but he couldn't trust him to walk there on his own. If he was honest, Kakashi didn't trust himself to walk there either. "Fuck," he grunted, squeezing his eyes shut. "I just want to sleep this off."
Kakashi knew he should do something about Tenzo, kick him back to the couch at least, but it felt like a lot more work than it was worth. Through his intoxicated state, he was surprised to realize that the warmth of Tenzo next to him was comforting in almost the same way as the alcohol. But, it was different too. It's not that different from sleeping beside each other on missions, he thought, mind grasping at the concept as sleep overtook him.