Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Law and Order: SVU. I will not profit from this and do this merely for my own enjoyment.
Summary: A diary entry.
Miranda
I know what everyone thinks about me. When I'm on a case, I walk and talk like I own the room. I'm a cool, levelheaded, but badass, detective with one pulsating thought coursing through my brain; Reel in the criminal. I don't sleep practically the whole time I'm on a case. Everyone says it's out of determination. Only I know the truth; it's out of fear.
The images of the victims, dead or alive, burn painfully into my brain. It becomes impossible to forget them. I used to sleep during a case but now the image of the new victim haunts every dream, guilting and goading me from sleep, to work harder.
I used to dwell on past cases. But now if I stop and think back, when I blink I see a victims face. And if I sleep, I see all their faces, molding and melting into one form. My mother.
I don't see her in my dreams often, but every time I do, this sickening feeling churns up in my stomach and this burning ill feeling spreads to every inch of my body, engulfing me completely. I hate, resent, this feeling, but it spurns me on and makes me want to work harder than I ever have to finish this case. Because when I do, all the painful feelings will finally subside.
I'm sure the others would ask Cragen to take me off the streets if they knew how each case terrifies and haunts me. I personally think this is why I make such a good detective. I manage to connect to female victims in a personal way. But I make sure never to get too attached.
I can't imagine the fear that would course, hot and painful, through my veins if I got too attached to a victim and something happened to them. I'd never forgive myself, and the haunting, burning nightmares would never let me rest again. I'd lose my mind, my job, and probably my life, too. This job is my life.
I'm not allowed to be afraid. So I swallow the fear and channel it. I use it to become the best goddamn detective on the force.
But the truth will always stand as such; I'm always terrified. But I'll keep my mouth shut. I have no choice.
Olivia Benson. You have the right to remain silent. If you choose to give up this right, anything you say can, and will, be used against you.