The smell of smoke and bloodshed hit Rex as he slid his helmet off. He squinted as his eyes adjusted to the bright afternoon light. The helmet was tucked under his right arm even though protocol called for that arm to always be free to salute whenever necessary. A sharp pain rippled through his left arm. It was painful to move it-much easier to go against protocol and listen to his body's warning of injury.
Rubble and debris littered the battlefield, along with the bodies of his comrades. Something welled up inside him, something that threatened to rip him apart. It was worse than sadness and stronger than anger. The tears started to fall from his eyes, so Rex quickly started coughing to cover it up. He could not show this weakness in front of his men who had seen so much loss. It would only lower the morale. He turned on his heel to watch the stretchers take the wounded onto the ships. Those were not hurt as badly helped to gather up the dead.
This was the part Rex hated the most. He knew all of their names and their strengths and interests. Each clone was a person, and yet it was rare that anyone other than clones attended the memorial services for the dead. The locals and civilians saw them as no more than their armor, and most Jedi had more important things to do than remember the thousands of dead.
Foot steps approached from behind him. The familiar rhythm of Anakin's footsteps was soothing. The general had a knack for knowing how people felt. Probably the Force, but it was still comforting to think that they had a special bond.
"Rex, how's it coming?" Anakin asked
Rex took a deep breath to settle himself before answering. "Ah, it's okay, sir. About to head up to medical. Got a bit scuffed up there." He tried to look nonchalant, but Anakin didn't seem to buy it.
"You alright? You don't look so good. That little scrape isn't all that's bothering you, is it?" He arched his eyebrows at the clone.
Rex's shoulder fell slightly. He fidgeted with the helmet under his arm and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. The movement kicked up a bit of dust which he watched with empty eyes.
"Rex?" Anakin's voice held a little more concern this time.
"It's nothing. I'm fine." He titled his eyes up for a moment, only to tip his head back down as soon as he found Ani's eyes.
"Well, that was less than convincing. C'mon, let's go up to the cruiser." Anakin walked toward his gunship and Rex fell in step with him. They had made the journey from the battlefield to the gunship too many times to count. No matter what, they always made it out together. Though others fell around them, Rex knew he could count on Anakin to survive. The Jedi's power was unfathomable, but his will to live was unnerving. No matter the cost, he saved as many lives as he could and brushed off any injuries. Rex had not ever seen that kind of tenacity in any other Jedi. He was lucky to serve under such a great man.
The small rocks crunched under their boots as they walked, and the heat of the day made them sweat under their armor. They stopped to let a stretcher pass in front of them. The clone was delirious with pain. Rex averted his eyes as he felt that sadness within him again. His breath quickened pace and his heart jumped. Bolt did not deserve this fate. No clone did. They were men, not machines.
"Wait, let me help." He glanced up to see Anakin place his hand on Bolt. His eyes closed as he used the force to calm the man. He lifted his hand and took a step back.
"There. That should do until you get him to the medbay." His arms crossed in front of him and they watched as he was rushed to get help.
"Thank you, General Skywalker!" The clones who carried the stretcher called as they hurried away.
Rex grabbed Anakin's arm as he walked forward. His helmet hit the ground and rolled away.
"General...thank you. I uh, you do so much for us. The clones. I, well, we have never really...thanks."
The confusion showed on Anakin's face, but he accepted the praise anyway. "Well, you're welcome.
Wanna let go now?" His brooding eyes met Rex's and didn't look away. The grip loosened slowly, almost reluctantly. Without breaking eye contact, Ani brought the helmet back with the Force and handed it to Rex.
"You might need this, Commander."
"Thank you, sir." He slid the helmet back under his right arm as they continued toward the ship.
The only other clone on the ship was the pilot. The rest of them had already left or were still busy cleaning up. Dirt was packed on the walls and the floor, with spatters of blood complimenting it. With clones piling in and out of it between battles, it sometimes went a while without a deep clean. Last time they drew straws to see who would clean it up. One time they had even gotten the Jedi to participate in the cleaning lottery by getting them very drunk first. Commander Tano had won the honor of cleaning the ship, but she didn't remember the draw the next morning. Sometimes there was a silver lining to all of the fighting.
Once the ship doors slid shut, Anakin had a chance to examine Rex's wound. It was bright red and starting to ooze. Dirt and bits of fabric were dried inside it. His touch was gentle so as not to aggravate it further.
"This is deep. What happened?" It wasn't like Rex to give up his vigilance and get shot. His fighting style was intelligent and his tactics successful.
"It was Will. His comlink wasn't working, but I could see that he was in a position to get shot. He was too far away to hear me and didn't see the sniper hiding. I just did what I had to do to get him in a safe place."
"And you got shot as you knocked him behind some cover, huh?" Anakin's lips turned into a slight smile. Bravery was one of his favorite qualities.
"That's not exactly how it happened." His hand tightened into a fist, and his eyes stared at something Anakin couldn't see.
"I was too late. He was dead before I reached him. The sniper must have saw me running and fired a second shot, but I was down before he could get me." His whole body shook and he felt like nothing was real. He had chosen that man himself to join their unit. He could have run faster. He could have shot the sniper himself. Because of his failure, another good man was dead. They died too soon. Their unit saw too many fresh faces too often. The realization pressed down on Rex the way that the ocean pressed against the sea floor. He saw nothing before him but those cold, empty eyes that used to house his friend. Rex, Rex, Rex!
The voice of his clone brother was too much to bear and he lost his balance as the ship hit some turbulence. It sent him rolling to the back of the ship.
"REX!" Anakin's voice finally broke through the horrible memories. He reached Rex as fast as he could. Anakin cradled his arm around Rex to support him. Rex rested his good arm on his knee so he could lean his head on it. The tears that had been threatening him all day finally broke free and rolled down each cheek, cleaning a line on his space amongst the grime. He tried to hide his face from the Jedi, but his efforts were futile. The Force was in all beings, even Rex. His emotions barreled through the Force and Anakin had no trouble knowing Rex was crying. Tears were not unknown to him.
Rex did what he could to steady his voice before speaking, but the pain still showed.
"Can't you use that Force trick to make this damned water stop?" He sobbed.
"I could, but that wouldn't help you, Rex. You have to learn to control your emotions. You won't feel any better if you don't feel it." Something ignited in Rex, something terrible and uncontrollable. His sobs turned to screams. He batted Anakin's arm away and stood up.
"How dare you lecture me on emotions! You!" he spit, "Your life is a lie, General! Everything you do is based on your damned emotions!" He screamed so hard that his voice became hoarse.
Anakin wiped the spit from his face and stood up to face Rex. He stood tall and closed to the clone.
"What did you just say to me?" His voice wasn't a yell and that was what scared Rex. The steady voice could cut through any man's heart. Anger was always more terrifying when it was controlled and calculated.
The ship slowed down to prepare to dock, and it rocked both of them around. Neither of them had been paying attention to what the ship was doing.
"I don't need your help. I can escort myself to the medbay." He stalked off to stand in front of the doors so he could jump off as soon as they docked.
"Ugh." Anakin groaned. He ran his hand through his long hair. He knew that Rex didn't need his pain to be met with anger. but it was hard to listen to someone he cared about so much cry. How did the council expect him to control this when no one ever modeled control? They were raised without emotions, but he was torn from his home. His eyes closed as he thought back to his mother. She was so calm, never raised her voice at anyone. Suddenly, Anakin found himself fighting back tears, too. It wasn't even nightfall and today was already too much . He watched silently as Rex jumped off the ship and onto the cruiser. Anakin had enough time to wipe his face before running after him.
"Rex, look the medbay is probably full." He yelled as he ran after him. Rex scoffed and kept walking.
"You're being impossible! I can treat you way faster in my room than they can in medical."
"No disrespect, General, but buzz off." Rex's face was bright red and his pupils were dilated.
"Come with me. That's an order!" Their raised voices were attracting the attention of the others on the ship.
A low growl came from Rex as his entire body tensed up. He knew if he responded it would just be screaming, so he fell in behind Anakin without a word.
They made their way through the ship to Anakin's room, and both of them tried hard to ignore the stares and whispers. Though the Jedi's behavior was not out of character, Rex rarely lost his cool like this.
Anakin opened the door and held his arm out to let Rex walk in first. Though he was exhausted, Rex walked in and stood in the corner, his helmet still under his arm. Anakin, however, sat on his bed. He patted it softly to indicate he wanted Rex to sit down.
"I'll stand if you don't mind." He grunted.
Anakin shook his head slowly. "When did that wound happen?"
"Er, I don't know."
"I do. It was hours ago. It's red and infected already. You didn't even stop to clean it on the battlefield."
"So?"
"It's going to hurt like no other and you're tired. Just sit down so I can clean it out." Rex couldn't come up with a counter and he was tired. He left the helmet on a desk and sat on the bed, leaning his head against the wall.
The medical supplies were in a drawer under the bed, stuck there between some too small tunics and belts. Truthfully, Anakin only got the supplies as a formality. He hadn't really expected to use them on anyone. As he went to work cleaning the gunk out of the deep cut, Rex winced. But the tension between them seemed to melt away as the pain of the infection began to drift away. It took quite a few minutes to finish cleaning and wrapping the wound, but when he was done, Rex was relieved.
"So, wanna tell me what's really going on with you?" Anakin asked as he put the supplies away. "I've never heard you yell like that..." His soft voice trailed off.
"I don't know, sir, I-"
"Anakin"
"What?" Rex blinked.
"You can call me by my name, Rex. It's okay."
Rex cleared his throat. "Of course. Anyway, I don't know. It's like lately, there's all this right below the surface and I usually keep it under control, but today I just lost it a bit. That's all."
"Usually? So this has happened before?" He inquired as he leaned closed to Rex.
"It's just-there's this dream I have sometimes. But it's not really a big deal. It just gets me angry."
"Rex?"
"Yes?"
"What happens in the dream?"
Rex shifted uncomfortably and played with his hands. Anakin put his hand on Rex's shoulder.
"You can tell me."
"Okay. In this dream I...all my clones betray me. They go crazy. I don't really know more details than that. But it hurts. And I'm all alone. All I can see is darkness and all I can hear are people dying. I, um, decide to join the Force. The sound of the blaster is what wakes me up. I guess I scream a lot when I have this dream 'cause my men always ask me if I'm okay. I always lie." He tried to hide his face in his hands, but Anakin pulled his hands away from his face. He slid his other arm around thinking, Rex layed his head on Anakin's shoulder. He smelled like smoke and sand, but it was comforting all the same.
"Do you ever think about this when you're not dreaming, Rex?" Anakin rested his head on top of Rex's.
He swallowed hard and gripped Anakin's hand so tightly that he felt that he might break his wrist.
"Only when I have to watch my brothers die." Anakin shivered. He understood exactly what Rex meant and only knew to hold him tighter. He turned his face toward Rex to look at his eyes, but their noses brushed softly. Rex turned to look up at Anakin and leaned into him. He could feel Anakin's heart racing. His eyes closed and found their lips touching. It was like he had no control over himself today.
It was clumsy because Rex had never done anything like this before. He moved slowly and awkwardly. The rush of Anakin's breath on his face and the taste of his lips made him forget the throbbing in his arm. He followed the Jedi's lead and wrapped his arm around Anakin. He felt Ani push back against him and he gave in and laid back on the bed. Anakin simled down at him before leaning forward to kiss the top of his head.
"I always loved your hair." He mumbled against the top of his head. Anakin planted a kiss all the way down Rex's face until he got to his ear. He bit his earlobe softly. Rex responded with a loud groan. He grasped at Anakin's tunics. Rex kissed Anakin's neck passionately in response, though it was obvious he was a beginner. As the passion built up, Rex felt himself crying again.
"I didn't mean what I said. I'm sorry, sir." He said between kisses.
Anakin pulled away to look at Rex. "Call me Anakin, remember?" Rex bit his lip and nodded. Anakin leaned in to press his forehead against Rex's.
"And promise me something, Rex. Please?" He whispered.
"Anything."
"Don't end your life. I'll do anything to keep you safe." The desperation and pain in his voice was not masked at all.
Rex tried to kiss him again instead of answering, but Anakin pushed his face away. He cupped Rex's face in his hand. "Promise me." His eyes were serious and his gaze unfaltering.
"I can't promise anything." Rex admitted. He wanted to look away from Anakin's eyes but couldn't.
"I am a Jedi. I can feel you presence in the Force. I'll know the moment you die. You may as well ust promise." He rubbed his thumb against Rex's cheek, which made Rex lean into his hand.
"I promise, sir." He kissed Anakin's hand.
Satisfied with the promise, Anakin lifted himself off of Rex and laid down beside him. He propped himself up on his elbow to look at the soldier.
"You know, if we are going to do this, you will have to get used to saying my name." He smirked.
"Well, what if I get used to it and slip up?" Rex countered.
"It's a chance I'm willing to take." Anakin said as he leaned in for another kiss. This time he parted Rex's lips with his tongue gently. Rex was taken by surprise, but tried to turn on his side to meet Anakin's kiss. He grimaced when his body reminded him of the injury.
"Maybe we should rest, huh General?" He suggested.
"Yeah, I guess it has been a long day. " Rex laid on his back to avoid irritating his arm, so Anakin rested his head on Rex's chest.
"Do you normally sleep in your uniform?" Rex asked.
Anakin chuckled. "Funny coming from a trooper in full armor."
"I just feel safer this way, I guess." He sighed.
Anakin sat up. "I'll keep you safe, Rex. Let me help you get that off." As he undressed Rex, he realized just how tired and worn his body had become. He frowned. Clones lived so much shorter than everyone else.
"Something wrong?" Rex asked.
"No, nothing." Anakin smiled at him. He put Rex's uniform in a pile in the corner and took out a blanket for them to share. He dimmed the lights and cuddled up to Rex once again.
"Good night, Jedi." Rex said.
"Good night, trooper." Anakin answered.