Title: Love you through the light
Author: ScifiRogue Kane
Rating: PG
Warnings: slash , angst
Spoilers: "Time Squared" and "The Future Revealed"
Summary: Someone watches from the dark as another breaks down before coming to the rescue.
Setting: This fic occurs at the beginning of Season two just after the episode "The Future Revealed".
Distribution: ask first
Disclaimer: These characters don't belong to me. If the show belonged to me, I would have done things differently.
Dedication: My Brother asked for this pairing so here it is.
Author's notes: I love the first season, tolerate the second and hate the third, so I wouldn't have set this in the second season except that was when these events occurred. I'm not really good at writing first person so go easy on me. I love reviews. They keep me going. Flames will be sent to the flying monkeys, who will then be sent after the flamers. J/A pairing
I can hear him when he doesn't think anyone elseis up, that's when he feels like he can put down his personal shields, when he allows himself to break. In the daylight, to our faces he pretended he was all right with what happened, he always does, but now that he's alone he cries. He cries out for what he might have done differently, for another outcome. Most of all he cries for what was lost.
I couldn't believe it; the first time that I heard him cry, it had been a particularly hard day dealing with the forces of evil, we had won but it had cost us. We both thought everyone had gone to sleep but I'd felt restless, so I'd gone wandering. That's when I first heard him cry. I'd almost gone to him, but it had seemed like I would be intruding, so I watched him as he cried, vented, blamed himself and finally pulled himself together, for our sakes. He doesn't cry often, I can probably count the number of times on my hand in fact, but each time I wake up and watch him from the darkness, there in case he needs me. I think that's the only time I see the true him, when he's not holding back.
Tonight, he's not just crying, he's hitting things and I'm afraid that he might hurt himself. His silent screams reverberate through the air, he mutters all the things that he could have done differently. He always wears the pain of his decisions in his eyes and kills himself with guilt, but now it's out there for all to see and the guilt just might kill him. I don't think I've ever seen him as badly off as he is tonight, he's never needed me before, but tonight, he does. So I do the only thing I can think of, I run toward him and grab his arms, pulling him against me. At first he's startled and tries to fight me, then, realizing who it is he attempts to put the mask on, the one that says, everything is fine.
There is no way I'll just forget what happened here tonight. I have to let him know that he doesn't always have to be in control and I want to give him some of the comfort that he so obviously needs, that he gives out to us when we need it without asking anything in return. So I do the only thing that I can think of doing, I kiss him.
I'm as startled as he is actually, I didn't expect myself to kiss him it just felt right, he feels right in my arms. It feels like fire is traveling through me, every part of me is tingling as I kiss him. I know he's kissing me back too, I can feel it, I know he feels the way I do.
Ever since I met him, he has always been there for me. All my life I've felt unworthy, but he makes me feel like I matter, like I can make a difference. I think the day I saw him fall apart a little, was the day I fell in love with him and I'm just realizing it now.
When he pulls away, I feel the loss. I know what it's like to shout at the darkness because it feels like the world is falling around your ears, and to pretend that the continual disappointments don't affect you, because your afraid of how others will react. He turns his back to me in order to hide his shock, pain and fear, he's trying to control his feelings. He just doesn't understand that I love him and will continue to love him no matter what. He just can't stopseeing me as a kid that needs protecting, he protects the others too, but especially me.
I turn him back toward me before he can hide and look straight into his eyes. I usually try to avoid eye contact because I don't want others to know what's going on behind my eyes. I'm always unsure of myself, always afraid that I won't measure up. Now, though, I know I love him and I need him to know that too. I just hope that he loves me back, I think he does, I feel that he does, but it's hard to know with him. If I'm making a mistake, I'll never be able to look at him again.
Now he has completely gone completly into leader mode, hiding that vulnerability away from me. The only sign of his inner turmoil is his eyes, I can still see it, The tears are gone but the vulnerability is still there, hidden but still there. He can pretend all he wants but I know better. He goes to speak but I won't let him. I've watched from the shadows far too often to just stand by and let him tear himself apart.
"You can cry," I whisper, "It's all right, you don't have to hide, not from me." He looks away from me, he just can't let go of the image he projects to the world. Even with all that has happened in the last few weeks, he still can't let go.
Ashlock may be dead but he left his mark on this team, he hurt all of Mutant X.The man standing before memost of all, he can't get past his guilt. He can tell us he's fine, but it's a lie, that's why he is so upset tonight, Gabriel's death broke him. I hate Ashlock more tonight then I ever have. Except after Ashlock killed him, then I could have killedAshlock myself, I had to go back to save him, I had no choice, now I know why.
He's been focusing on the rest of us, dealing with our new abilities, helping Shal deal with Gabriel's presence in her head, etc. Therefore whenever the past is brought up he can focus on us and what we need. It makes it that much easier to sidestep us when we try to talk to him about his feelings. Now I'm notgoing to let himpush me away.
"I'm here for you," I say, holding his hands, "and I love you." I then let go of his hands, kiss him gently on the lips and head back to my bedroom. I close the door behind me and lie down on my bed, attempting to go to sleep.
I've already started to dose when I heard a light knock on my door and his voice comes through the door. "Can I come in?" I'm startled, hopeful and afraid, all at the same time. So I say "Of course," with a bit of trepidation. What if he's here to tell me that he just cares for me as a friend and he never wants a repeat of tonight.
The door opens and he walks in, looking a bit unsure. He walks straight up to me and says, "If you love me through the shadows then I can love you through the light. Jesse, I love you, so much. It's just so hard . . . " I silence him with my hand. "It's only hard if you make it." I tell him, "I love you, Adam and you love me, that's all we need." With that I kiss him and we start our new relationship.