Mournful Sadness
Summary: He'll think of Bella and wonder why she had to die so this monstrous child could live. The monster won't have an answer.
"It all just seemed so fake. This idea that good things happen to good people and there's magic in the world, and the meek and righteous will inherit it. There's too many good people who suffer for something like that to be true. There are too many prayers that go unanswered. Every day we ignore how completely broken this world is, and we tell ourselves 'You're going to be okay.' But it's not okay. And once you know that, there's no going back."
-Haley Scott, one tree hill
In the year 2008, at the age of eighteen, Isabella Marie Cullen will die during child birth. Her death will cause her husband, Edward Anthony Cullen, to commit suicide, leaving no one to look after her daughter.
In the year 2008, at the age of seventeen, Jacob Black will bury his best friend and the only woman, who wasn't related to him, that he ever loved.
He will be depressed, exhausted, alone, and cradling a baby in his arms.
Bella's daughter Renesmee Rose Cullen.
Fulfilling Bella's dying wish that her baby looked after.
Jacob will look into the chocolate brown eyes of Renesmee Cullen and his heart will ache for the chocolate brown eyes of mother, Bella Swan.
It's an ache that will never go away.
In the year 2005, Jacob will meet Bella Swan again after four years. They will walk on the beach, Bella will flirt with Jacob and Jacob will tell her the story of the cold ones.
He will go home happy and smitten with the older girl.
He will wait by the phone for her to call him like she promised.
Four days later, he will find out that she's dating Edward Cullen.
He feels a strange burning start in the pit of his stomach that only grows as the months past.
In 2008, Jacob will be tired.
Renesmee will have kept him up with her crying and Jacob will rise from bed to go check on her. He will look down at the child, the last remaining piece of Bella, and the baby will stare back at him with teary brown eyes.
Jacob will pick up the child and sing the lullaby that his mother used to sing to him when he was little.
The baby will let out a wide yawn, showing off her teeth, that she shouldn't have yet considering her age and the protector in Jacob will be tempted to dispose of the threat.
Because this baby isn't normal. She's growing too fast. She doesn't like to eat baby food or drink milk from a bottle. She has a full set of teeth and she uses them to constantly nip at him- trying to bite him.
Filling up a bottle with the blood of a deer, Jacob will let out a snort of disgust, but even his hatred for vampires will not let him harm the child.
Bella loved her and Bella died for her.
So Jacob will pick up the baby and tell her that she has her mother's eyes…and Renesmee will smile, blood leaking out of the side of her mouth.
It will be creepy and disgusting and Jacob will want to get as far away from the thing as possible.
But instead of listening to his instincts, Jacob will sit in the rocking chair in the corner of his room, give her back her bottle of blood, and tell her a story of her mother.
He'll think of Bella and wonder why she had to die so this monstrous child could live.
The monster won't have an answer.
In 2007, Edward Cullen will break up with Bella Swan and she will run into the arms of Jacob Black for comfort.
Jacob will make her smile for the first time in months and help heal the hole her chest.
Jacob will engage in reckless activities with her and bring light back into her life.
Jacob will care for her and offer his heart to her...and she will reject him.
The burning sensation in his stomach will spread throughout his whole body and he will burst.
He'll learn things he never knew about Bella and her Ex-boyfriend Edward Cullen.
He'll feel hurt, betrayed… Angry.
But he'll continue to love her anyway because he doesn't know how to stop.
In 2008, Renesmee will bite him.
Her venom will burn in his veins- like shards of broken glass and gasoline.
And for a few minutes, he will forget that he did this for Bella, he will forget that his love for Bella, his love for his father, his love for my sisters, his loyalty to his pack, his hatred of his enemies, his home, his name, his self.
He will forget everything…except for his hatred for the child who will never stop causing him that pain.
And when the burning stops, he finds the child staring at him from where he threw her after the bite, watching him with horrified brown eyes and he'll remember her mother looking at him the same way when she thought he was killing hikers.
"I…I am sorry… I did not mean… to hurt you," she says, slowly trying hard to get the words right.
She's three months and her first words are an apology.
He'll close his eyes against the face that looks so much like her mother and Jacob will laugh bitterly.
He will begin to hate Renesmee a little bit more.
He wonders if Bella's watching him from heaven with disapproval.
In 2006, Jacob will be about to kiss Bella for the first time in her kitchen.
She'll look at him with eyes filled with longing and a hint of fear and he'll ask her to stay with him forever…
Only for her to run out of the door a few minutes later to go save her Ex-boyfriend.
Someone who didn't want her and made her feel like she wasn't good enough.
Jacob will watch her go and, despite his anger at her, pray for her safe return.
And she will return…but she won't be alone.
"I love you, Jacob. So, please…don't make me choose. Because it'll be him…It's always going to be him,"
Jacob will run until his paws are bleeding and his legs give out, then let out a mournful whimper.
It'll always be Bella for him.
In the year 2009, Jacob will figure out that Renesmee ages a year every three months.
He will manage to convince her to eat human food, though she'll prefer animal blood.
He'll teach her to hunt animals in the forest and do his best to keep her away from other people…but, after a few almost accidents with hikers, he will know that it is time for him to leave his home.
Renesmee will stand solemnly by his side as he says goodbye to his friends and family.
And only when they've finished putting their things in the back of the Rabbit will she speak.
"Do you hate me?"
Jacob will wonder if it would be wrong to tell her the truth.
But his silence will be answer enough
In 2006, Jacob will finally get the kiss he let slip through his fingers that night with Bella in the kitchen.
He will finally tell Bella that he's in love with her.
He will lay it all out there, everything that he could give her, and then he'll grab her and kiss her passionately.
The way he had seen so many men do in those romantic movies his sister's forced him to watch.
This is supposed to be the moment where the woman realizes she has feeling for the male lead. First the woman struggles but then, unable to deny her feelings anymore, she loops her arms around his neck and kisses him back.
But Bella won't kiss him back.
She'll struggle for a second and then, when Jacob loosens his hold, Bella will push him away and, before he could say anything, she'll punch him in the face.
He won't feel the punch at all.
But the sting of rejection will hurt just the same.
In 2009, Jacob will travel 4 hours, from his cabin, into town to buy a small cake and 1 candle.
Renesmee will celebrate her first birthday, even though physically she's already 4 years old, and Jacob will do his best to put his feeling about the day behind him.
Every child deserves a birthday and Jacob will put his best effort into making it a good one and… and he will succeed.
But late at night, after he tucks Renesmee into bed, Jacob will sit alone, behind the wheel of the Rabbit, and bury his face in his hands until morning when Renesmee comes looking for him.
It will have been 12 months since the death of Isabella Marie Cullen.
But to him, it will feel like it was yesterday
In 2006, Jacob will attend a party at the Cullens house.
He will apologize to Bella for being an ass and offer her a present.
Bella will bite her lip, something she always does when she's nervous and tilt her head to the side, then smile slightly, a light blush dusting her cheeks.
He'll wonder if she knows how beautiful she looks when she does that.
Bella will hold his charm bracelet that he spent countless hours carving to make perfect and thank him.
It will be a nice moment, that will be broken only moments later.
There will be an army of vampires coming for Bella.
And Jacob finds himself volunteering for the fight.
He had promised Bella he would fight for her
And that's exactly what he planned to do.
In 2010, Jacob will meet a woman in a bar.
He will listen to her complain about her Ex-boyfriend who used her, took all her money, and then abandoned her to raise their son alone.
Jacob will remember all the things that he did for Bella. Everything he gave up for her…all the things he's still giving up.
He will buy the woman another drink and the woman will apologize for spending the night talking about herself.
She will ask him questions about himself that he will try to answer as honestly as possible.
But when she asks him if he has any kids of his own, Jacob will pause for a long time.
"No," he says simply and when he gets home, Renesmee will be sitting on the porch waiting for him.
"Welcome home," she'll say, hugging the teddy bear he got her for her birthday, as if she were a normal child instead of a rapidly aging half-breed.
And Jacob will walk past her, into the cabin, without saying anything in return.
In 2006, Jacob will spend the night in a tent holding Bella in his arms.
Her head will lay atop his racing heart and Jacob will lay his head on top of her head, her brown hair tickling his nose.
He will wonder what if would be like to wake up every morning like that…
And Edward will smugly give him a vivid description of what's it's like for him and how often she whispers him name in her sleep.
So it will surprise both of them when instead of mumbling for her Edward…she says Jacob.
Jacob…my Jacob
Jacob will smile the rest of the night, ignoring Edward's glares and immature comments.
He will enjoy his night with Bella.
Even if it's only in her dreams
In 2010, Jacob will buy Renesmee a pet.
It will be a little white kitten that he found in a cardboard box when he went into town.
Renesmee's chocolate brown eyes will sparkle with joy as she holds the animal in her arms.
Jacob will leave the room to go get the kitten a bowl of milk and food.
He'll only be gone a few minutes, but when he comes back…
All he'll see is Blood
She won't even know what she did wrong.
He thought he was giving her a pet.
She thought he was giving her a snack.
Knowing that the mistake was his own fault will not make him any less bitter and cold, because he will also know that even if he had told her the truth she probably would have eaten the kitty anyway.
It would have only been a delay of the inevitable
She was a killer.
Just like her father
In 2006, Jacob will kiss Bella on top of a snowy mountain.
He will feel his soul merge with hers for single moment and he will see the life they could have together; Living a normal life, having Sunday night dinners with their fathers, Bella going to college, him joining her a later on, flying out to see her mom on holidays, going out on dates, moving in together, and finally, the waves crashing on the rocks of La Push, as he chased her, and she chased two little black haired, russet skinned children.
The sound of their shared laughter echoing through his head as he pulls away.
Bella will stare at him with wide eyes and Jacob will know that she saw the same thing he did.
"I have to leave," He will say and Bella's arms will hold him just a little tighter.
"No," she will say, her forehead creasing in worry.
Jacob will plant a soft, gentle kiss on her lips, sure that after a seeing that what they could have together that she will choose him.
He will wrap his arms around her, to hug her, as he whispers in her ear, "That should've been our first kiss,"
He'll leave, his heart lighter as he leaps into battle.
Only to have it sink like a rock when he hears Bella talking through Edward through Seth's mind.
"I don't care if it's cold here. I don't care that I stink like dog right now. Make me forget how awful I am. Make me forget him. Make me forget my own name. Fight back!" and then her shadow throws herself at his, and he will hear the sound of kissing and Bella begging Edward to take her.
Not even caring that he is off risking his life to save hers.
Having half his body crushed by the newborn won't even compare to the pain in his heart.
And it will only get worse as the days go on
In 2011, Jacob will start to wonder about Renesmee's life span.
Physically, she will be eight, mentally, she'll be an teenager, and in reality, she'll only be three years old.
He'll go take Renesmee to town with him, try to find every book on vampire children he can find, and, when that fails to turn up anything, he'll check online.
After a fruitless search, Jacob will find Renesmee sitting in the corner, away from the other children, reading a copy of Romeo and Juliet.
It will take everything he has not to rip the book out of her hands and tear it to spreads. Instead, Jacob will go pick up a boxset of the Harry Potter series, buy it from the librarian with the Cullens credit card, and give her that to read instead.
Renesmee will take the books, and thank him.
But later, he'll catch her reading Romeo and Juliet again.
She will have loved it so much that she'll steal it from the library.
He will see so much of her mother in her in that moment.
It won't be a good thing.
In 2006, after the newborn battle, Bella will come into his room.
She'll finally admit that she loves him…but that it's still not enough to keep her from marrying Edward.
Jacob will be resigned, having already knew before she came. He'll pretend to be surprised when she tells him that Edward wasn't mad at her but won't be able to hold his anger when he tells her about Edward's game.
Bella will snap at him, accuse him of pretending like he was going to commit suicide, a lie that Edward probably whispered in her ear, and he won't deny it.
There will be no point in revealing that he meant what he said, it would just be his word against Edward's and he knows who Bella would choose to believe.
Bella and him will discuss whether it would have been better, if she never knew she loved him and Jacob will tell her that he would have always regretted it if she didn't.
Bella will press her forehead to his cheek, tears in her eyes, and Jacob will put his hand in her hair, keeping her there.
She will apologize and ask Jacob to hold her accountable for her actions. Jacob will finally get to say all the things he was holding back, airing out his bitterness will make him feel a little better…but it will make Bella cry, so he'll pretend he didn't mean it.
After talking for a while, and Bella will admit to seeing what he saw on the mountain, and tell him that she wants to love him but she doesn't have a choice.
Jacob will feel at peace, maybe because of the morphine.
"You know I love you," Bella will say.
"You know how much I wish it was enough," he'll say and promise to wait for her.
"Until my heart stops beating,"
"Maybe even then,"
Because not even death could stop him from loving her.
In 2012, Renesmee will ask Jacob about her family.
Jacob will lie and tell her they died before she was born.
He will wonder how she would react if she knew they died defending her from a pack of werewolves that thought she was an abomination and wanted her dead.
Renesmee will accept his answer and tell him she's going to get something to eat.
She'll skip off into the forest, happy with her blissful ignorance, and Jacob will think of all the people who lost their lives because of her…himself included.
He will wonder if Bella put any thought into what she was doing when she decided to bring her half-vampire baby into the world and he will forgive her because she died for what she thought was right.
A few hours later, when he finds Renesmee in the woods with a dead mountain climber, Jacob will think of Bella again.
And he will stop forgiving her.
In 2006, Jacob will attend Bella's wedding.
He will show up after the vows, because he knows the temptation to object would be too strong to resist.
The joy on Bella's face will make the pain worth it and Bella will be a beautiful bride.
They will share one last dance, and Jacob will try to say goodbye.
It will all seem bittersweet and the perfect way to end things.
Until Bella mentions her honeymoon.
Then everything will spin out of control.
Jacob won't know what angers him more…
The fact that Edward's willing to risk Bella's life to fuck her
Or the fact that Bella will be a willing victim.
In 2012, Jacob will hurt.
Renesmee will have finally out together some idea about his relationship with her mother.
She will ask him questions that he'll ignore.
How long did you know my mother?
Too long…not long enough.
Did you love her?
More than she loved me.
Did my father know about the two of you?
He knew…and he took her anyway.
Could I have been yours?
It's the last one that will hurt the most.
Yes, he'll think, but he'll know the truth
"Not a chance in hell," he'll say and Renesmee will back off.
There's no way a monster like her could possibly be his.
In 2006, Jacob will find out about Bella's pregnancy.
It will be proof of just how much of herself she was willing to give for the leech and he'll hate her.
For what he's not sure.
For leaving?
For coming back?
For not loving him enough?
Mostly, he'll hate her because his memories of Bella— the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful—will be tainted by the knowledge that she died as a result of fucking a leech.
It should've been him
He'll know it, the leech will know it, and Bella will know it.
And that knowledge won't do anything to stop her from dying
So it will be worthless
In 2012, Jacob will lay in bed for a whole day, without moving.
Bella will haunt her dreams, whispering soft words of love and condemnation. His stomach will churn and he will taste the sourness before his body starts to heave, he'll rush to the bathroom and barely make in time.
Renesmee will watch him from the doorway, concern shinning in her brown eyes.
She'll try to rub his back as he empties his stomach into the porcelain bowl and Jacob will sit back on his heels, shrugging off her hands, wiping his mouth with the back of his arm and feeling disgusted with himself.
"I hate you," he'll growl to at her, "You and your goddamn father ruined my life!"
Renesmee's eyes will water, and she will run out of the room, the door slamming back against the wall.
And Jacob will feel no satisfaction.
He'll just be the bastard who made a monster cry.
In 2006, Jacob will receive an offer from Edward.
It will be sick and it will be wrong.
But the temptation will almost be too much to resist.
He'll feel longing deep in soul and in his anguish he will shed tears in front of Bella.
"When you die, what was the point? Of me loving you, you loving him. How is this right for anyone? Because I don't see it. Listen to me, Bella. Please? Just don't do this. Live, okay? Please."
"Jake, everything's going to be okay,"
She always was a terrible liar
In 2012, Renesmee will run away.
Jacob will think about letting her go.
With her gone, he could finally go on with his life.
No more hiding.
No more reminders.
But then he will remember what Bella wanted, gave her life for.
And he will chase her.
In 2006, Jacob will leave his pack.
He will align himself with Cullens to protect Bella and her baby.
Bella will be happy to have him around and will crave contact with him.
He will wonder if it's because she knows her time is short or if she's just doing it to be cruel.
"Everything is complete now that you are here, Jake,"
"Then why didn't you choose me!" Jacob will shout, rising from the couch.
The Cullens will all look shocked by his outburst, but no one will intervene.
"You're a married woman now, Bella! You're with Edward! You're pregnant with his fucking spawn! Why the hell do you need me? Why can't you just leave me alone, Bella? Why do you want me here? Why?" Jacob will scream and shout.
And Bella won't have an answer
In 2012, Jacob will get injured protecting Renesmee from a vampire.
The blond will take one look at Renesmee and try to kill her.
She will call Renesmee every horrible name in the book.
Abomination
Monster
Evil
All things Jacob had thought but never said aloud and Jacob will grow defensive.
He will leap into action, and the fight will leave Jacob injured, bloody, and barely alive.
And Jacob will regret nothing.
"Dad," Renesmee will shout and Jacob will wonder when she started calling him that.
"Why didn't you just let her kill me?" she will ask, "I know you hate me, so why?"
And Jacob won't have an answer
In 2006, Jacob will deliver Bella's baby.
Edward will be fighting Sam, Carlisle will be fighting Paul, Jasper will be fighting Leah, Alice will be fighting Seth, Rosalie will be fighting Jarred, Esme will be fighting Quil, Emmet will be fighting Embry—
And Jacob will be alone with Bella, discussing baby names, ready to protect her from whoever came through that door, when her water breaks.
Pain and screaming, and crying.
Jacob will try morphine and more morphine but nothing will help Bella through the pain as her baby literally eats its way out of her.
"Keep your heart beating, Bella," he will beg and Bella will scream, because it hurts, everything hurts.
"Get him out," Bella will shout, "He's suffocating!"
"Bella, he's killing you!"
"I don't care," Bella will cry, "Save him,"
So, Jacob will pick up a scalpel.
And he will beg.
In 2012, Renesmee will beg.
"Stay with me, Dad," she will cry.
She will hold Jacob's hand, and Jacob will do what Bella refused to.
Jacob Black will fight to keep his heart beating
In 2006, Jacob will be sitting on the floor with Bella cradled in his arms.
"I'm sorry, Jake. I don't think I'm strong enough." Bella will whisper, and Jacob will wonder if she's apologizing for dying.
"You can do it, Bella. Just keep your heart beating a little longer," he will plead.
Bella weakly shake her head and ask, "You'll take care of her, right? My daughter?"
And, even though every fiber of his being is screaming for the death of that monster, he will nod.
"Can you forgive me?" Bella will ask.
"No," Jacob will whisper, "Not unless you fight. I won't forgive you, Bella,"
"For dying?"
"No, for making me love you!" Jacob will shout and Bella will flinch.
But she won't fight
In 2012, Jacob will try to force himself to heal faster.
"I'm not going to die," he'll say, even as the blood leaks out of his side and the venom burns through his veins.
"Do you hate me, dad?" Renesmee will ask, pressing her hands—too small, not enough— to his wound, trying to stop the bleeding. "I don't think I could live if you died hating me,"
"I'm not going to die," Jacob will repeat, even as he starts to lose color from blood loss.
"I'm not going to lie to you," He'll mumble, staring at the bright light over her shoulder, "because I'm not going to die,"
In 2006, Jacob will lie.
"You're not going to die,"
"You don't believe that," Bella will say, and let out a bloody cough.
"Yes, I do,"
"Then why are you crying, Jake?" Bella will ask quietly, and Jacob will hold Bella closer.
In 2012, Jacob Ephraim Black will die.
Renesmee will be by his side until the end.
And when his heart stops beating, she will be all alone.
And she will cry
In 2006, Bella will die.
"I love you,"
"Until…my heart…stops beating…right?"
Jacob will sob, tears streaming down his face.
And her baby will stare at him, from her place on the bed next to her mother.
She won't shed a tear
In 2006, Jacob will kill Edward Cullen.
He will die smiling
"There's no magic in the world. At least today there isn't,"
-Hayley Scott, one tree hill