Disclaimer: Not my show. Unfortunately.
Based on Kelly Clarkson's "Already gone"
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Mint to be.
The first thing April thought about after she'd come home all those years ago, freshly married to her then husband, Jackson, was how she would have loved to have those mints at her wedding. They were corny, admittedly, but she always had a soft spot for sappy romantics.
It's almost funny to her now. Mints. She could have had a bag full and it still would've led her here, standing in front of her bed, packing a suitcase, ready to leave. She looks around the room she's come to known, in the house she was slowly starting to call home. Jackson hadn't wanted to her to move out… well, he hadn't back then. He'd insisted she stay here with Harriet. It was stupid to believe it would have led to anything more. What an idiot shed'd been… on more occasion than one.
She packs in the photo she kept of the three of them, on a small picnic to the park once with Harriet. They looked happy, they looked like a family. Pictures tell a thousand words, and all of them are lies. She tried to hold on for Harriet, hoped that she'd give her the family she deserves, but she can't control that. She looks at her daughter through the baby monitor sleeping peacefully and mouthes a sorry she can't see nor hear, nor even begin to understand either way.
Even without fists held high, yeah
Never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die
She tried. My God did she try. She would have no regrets. She told him when they had what had felt like the first honest conversation of their lifetime that Montana meant something to her. It meant love, it meant hope, it meant a future. She told him that, and he… he told her nothing. Well, there's her answer. Nothing. It meant… nothing.
She packs in clothe after clothe, and systematically goes through all her belongings. She doesn't want to overstay her welcome anymore. Jackson was moving on, and he couldn't do that when he has his ex wife living with him. This house, these things don't belong to her anymore. She is no longer Mrs Jackson Avery, she hasn't been for a long time, and although she believed differently, she may very well never be.
Someone new will move into this house, someone new will be his wife, someone new will love the man she loves and he… he'll love the someone new. Her. Her. She can't say it. Not yet.
Someone new will have her forever.
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now
I can't stop
The crying doesn't stop. Its a physical pain, even more than an emotional one. She feels tired, so tired. Every muscle in her body is tight, and wound up, and there's no release so there's pain. Her heart feels full, as if it is fighting against her ribcage, willing to spring out and break into a million little pieces she'll never get back. She has a headache, because her mind doesn't stop spinning back to the hundreds of gestures that he did, or thousands of things that he said, that made her feel as if he loved her. She feels nauseous, as she runs to the bathroom, and hurls into the toilet, the grief emptying itself out, she liked to think.
The tile feels cool against her skin, but she is burning up. She sits down, bringing legs closer to her body, and tightening her arms around them. She needs someone to hold her. She misses her family, but they haven't had the best relationship since everything that happened with Jackson. The divorce, the living together. She doesn't really have any friends here. They talk to her when they need company, but when it's her turn, they're never around. She's never felt so alone in her life.
So she holds herself tight, and tells herself to stop crying, and she picks herself up from the bathroom floor, and keeps going, because she has to believe this pain will someday end. She has to believe in an after.
She has to believe in herself.
Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
"Jackson is moving on."
She says the words out loud to herself, and her throat burns, both from their effect and from her complete dehydration.
He found someone, someone else, maybe even someone better. She saw it. She sees their playful banter, their eye contact, they're subtle flirting. Its hard to ignore. She shuts her eyes, and tries to let her thoughts drown our their voices. They were beautiful people, and maybe they deserved each other. Maybe. Her heart told her otherwise.
Maybe what hurts her the most is that he used to look at her like that. He did… in Montana. He made her feel loved. But maybe that was all in her head. Maybe she'd made it all up. No promises were made, no one forced her hand, she made a completely willing choice to be with him physically. She hated casual sex, so maybe she was merely creating a narrative to fit her idea of what it should have been to reduce the guilt.
Maybe he loved her once. Maybe he could never love her again.
She closes her suitcases, two, both full of everything she owns, and walks into Harriet's room to kiss her goodnight. She'll get her tomorrow but for tonight, it'll just be her, in her new apartment uptown.
It was unfair of her to think Harriet would save them. Its not her responsibility. She should never have expected something like that. It was wishful thinking and she blames herself.
She was so sure he loved her still. So sure.
Funny to think how much about them was in her mind.
I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
Jackson,
When I think about my favourite people in the world, you and Harriet are the first that come to mind. You are both kind, gentle souls, and I have the pleasure of having you both in my life.
I love you. I love you so much. You will always be the single greatest love of my life. There will never be anyone else I can ever love as much as I love you. I can't ever give myself to anyone the way I gave myself to you.
But, I know that you want to move on, and I love you so much that I am willing to step aside. Be happy. Always be happy, and if I don't make you happy anymore, please be with the girl that does. Be with the girl who thinks you are devastatingly handsome, endlessly kind and deserving of all the good things in life. Be with the girl who stands by you no matter what, and who always comes looking for you when you run away from your feelings. Be with the girl who is so proud to call you hers, because you're an amazing husband, father and doctor.
Jackson Avery, my favourite person, my best friend, and my soulmate, even though I know you don't believe in those, thank you. Thank you for the years you've given me. Thank you for all the love you shared. Thank you for Samuel and Harriet. Thank you for our life.
I'll miss you.
Forever,
April.
She turns back into the empty house and lets everything about him drift over her, as clutches the note tightly in her hand.
"Goodbye." She whispers, throwing the note on the bin in the entrance, and walking out.
There's no moving on,
So I'm already gone.
I am sorry for anyone hurt. :( A bundle of fanfics to come this weekend from me and a bunch of writers. 3