Everything Is Changing, Everything Is Burning

Chapter 1

King's Cross platform nine and three quarters is once again teeming with people; the Hogwarts Express once again waiting to be slowly filled up with students and trunks and owls and cats and toads; it's engine spouting steam, fogging up the windows as people dressed in strange, colourful hats and long robes walk about waving goodbye to their beloved children for yet another school year.

A little away from the ruckus stands the Evans' family, sans the oldest child, Mrs. Evans giving rapid fire instructions to her younger daughter. "The engagement is in November and I want you there, you hear me? Don't give me excuses later saying you have to study and Dumbledore demands you stay or that some troll has attacked the school or something, are you listening Lily? You will come and you will be civil to your sister and her fiancé and to the guests, alright?"

"Yeah, mum I heard you the first five times, now can I please go, it's almost time?" Lily replies, exasperated, her eyes darting here and there, scanning the place for that bloody Benjy. She sighs, turns around to give her parents each a hug and picks up her two suitcases. "I'll send you a letter once I settle in, give Jill my love, Tuney - well, don't really care what you give her - and please both of you relax, okay? She's just getting engaged, don't get too stressed and try not to shout the house down." To which her mother sighs out a half-amused half-fed-up "Lily!" and her father only laughs. He has a nice laugh, loud and deep, and it immediately draws Benjy out from the crowd. "Lily! Finally! Uh, hello, Mr. and Mrs. Evans! How are you?"

They quickly exchange pleasantries and after Mr. Evans gives Lily one final kiss and a "Have a great time", Lily and Benjy set off with her two suitcases and Helen, the Barn Owl. They make a striking couple; both tall and slender, Lily with her short, auburn hair, and Benjy with his thick, dark, curly mane, her skin as pale and littered with freckles as his is brown and smooth. The first years gape at them as they pass by, the 'Head Girl' badge gleaming at Lily's breast pocket. Another reason why everyone they pass stops to stare is the fact that they are loudly squabbling (and swearing) over who was supposed to call whom before leaving home.

"Oh God shut up, both of you. I do not want to start my last fucking year at school with the two of you fighting again," says Mary, a huge grin on her face as she waits by the door to one of the coaches. The three of them load Lily's suitcases into their compartment and the two girls embrace each other tightly. Mary is shorter than Lily and plumper, with long swinging black hair framing a very pretty, but mischievous face. "How long do you fucking take to board the fucking train! I had to send bloody Benjy out to get you."

Lily laughs as they swing the trunks underneath and the three of them sit down on top of the plush seats. Benjy promptly swings his legs over the edge, saying "Yeah, it was really hard spotting you; I think you've shrunk Lils." Lily rolls her eyes at him and says to Mary "Well, if you hadn't decided to go off to France for two whole months you fucking idiot, you might've seen me sooner. I was stuck with this guy and that Sophie. Where is she anyway?"

"I think she's gone to the prefect car – "

"Oh fuck! I'm the Head Girl!" Lily stands up, slapping her palm against her forehead.

"Yeah, we need to talk about that – "continues Mary but Lily is rummaging frantically through her sling bag for her wand and robes. "I'll be back in a while, all right? Shit! I was supposed to be there ages ago," and with that she runs out, hastily putting her robes on and slamming the door of the car shut.

"Shit. What did I miss?" She's standing next to Potter in the relative darkness of the back of the Prefect compartment. Andrew Matthews, one of the Hufflepuff Prefects is standing up front, saying something to the group of students seated before him, their backs to Lily. "Not much, surprisingly, considering you're a good twenty minutes late. I thought I was supposed to be the irresponsible one," Potter says softly, smirking a bit. "You still are," she whispers back, startled at how deep his voice sounds. And startled that she even noticed. And that her heart seems to be racing still. "How were the hols? Our last ones, eh?" He asks, looking ahead at Matthews who is very passionately explaining the rules to using the Prefect Bathroom.

"They were alright, nothing special. Yeah, sucks that this is the end right?" Lily turns to look up at him but looks down almost immediately. They're too close together and her face burns. So she continues to stare straight ahead. "How were yours?"

"The same. Met up with the others a lot, played a bit of quidditch, you know". He also continues to look ahead as he replies, both of them focused on Matthews like he is delivering a sermon. They're both wearing their robes, badges pinned on the left and he smells of soap and some vague cologne and a bit of sweat. He's still nearly a head taller than Lily and his hair is the same unruly dark mass. His glasses are still a bit crooked on the nose. And Lily can tell all this without even having to look at him. She's nodding her head in reply but then remembers that he can't see her, he's still watching that Matthews, so she opens her mouth to say something but then he walks off to the front and she realizes that the Prefect has finished speaking. And she follows him.

They're supposed to address the other prefects, being the Head students, but she doesn't remember what to say; fortunately he does all the talking. She just stands there, mute, sweating and nauseous; too fucking aware of his presence next to her to think. After he finishes she flashes a smile and mutters a "good luck" to the Prefects as they get up to leave. She signals to Sophie that she'll join her later. Potter's leaving too and she follows him out into the aisle, blurting out "Where are you going?" when he doesn't turn back. He turns back at that, thank God, and walks back to where she is standing. She can finally see his face now. His jaw has become squarer. His face is tanned, the scar on his lip from last year still intact. "I'm going back to where Sirius and the others are. Where are you going?"

"Um, same, back to where Benjy and the others are," Her hand itches to touch it. The scar. The one he got trying to save her last year. He got several, far bigger ones as well, but this one is the only one visible. Her stomach churns.

"Lily, are you alright?" His forehead creases in concern. "I'm fine. Just hungry," she says as she runs her hand through her hair. It's a habit she's developed.

"What's wrong? Do you need something?"

"Uh, no I forgot what I wanted to ask. Fuck it. I'll go back now. I'm sorry. We have to meet to take the first years to the boats right?"

"Yeah, we do. Eat something before that, yeah?" He's still frowning, but his lips have curved into a half smile. He looks like an adult. That's what's different about him, she realizes. The glint in his eyes is harder somehow; more tired, more serious. The realization hits her like a physical blow. She needs to get out of his sight before she throws up or something. She mutters a quick "Yeah, I'll see you later," and turns abruptly. She doesn't turn around to see the confused look on his face. Or the flash of longing that follows it. She's too busy worrying about her own guts trying to squeeze her lunch out of her. She's sure the feeling is inspired by him because the further she walks away from him, the slower her heart beats and the more easily she is able to breathe.

Oh God, Lily breathes out. She isn't sure exactly what it is that bothers her the most; is it guilt? Or the fact that they haven't really talked about what happened since it happened last year? Or is it that disturbing kiss they shared that neither seems to have the guts to bring up? She slides open the door to her compartment, where Benjy and Mary are enjoying a laugh and sits down quietly beside the window. They fall silent at the sight of her face. "Met Potter?" Benjy asks. "Yeah. Same old shit". Lily stares out of the window at the passing fields. She can't say anything to anyone. Not even Benjy or Mary.

Neither of them know the whole story, since Dumbledore had sworn her to secrecy. How could he have not, considering the secret was not hers to share; it was not her life that would be destroyed if it ever came out. But they are her closest friends and so they know that something happened; they know she nearly lost her life, and they know that Potter is the reason she survived. They know not to ask for more details. They know she hasn't fully recovered. They know to give her space when she needs it.

So she has her space. They thankfully ignore her after that; Sophie joins them eventually and Lionel and a few other people drop in to say hello, but Lily tunes out of further conversation, grateful to be able to just sit back and enjoy the blue sky, the puffy clouds, the occasional herd of cows that pass. She hasn't yet told either Mary or Benjy of the confusion that Potter brings out in her. She hasn't told them about the kiss either; that wasn't part of the secret she'd sworn to keep and yet, every time she tries to just say the fucking words, something stops her. And she's glad for that something because there's no way she can really explain what she herself doesn't understand, right?

Hogsmeade station rolls into view and Lily sighs at the beauty of the sight. The yellow lanterns glow like blotches of paint against the dark night and she can just make out the massive shadowy figure of Hagrid waiting for them as always. She stands up to re-fasten her robes and announces "This is going to be one motherfucker of a year." Benjy gives a short bark of a laugh and Mary just looks amused. "Why do you say that?" She asks, just as a loud cry of "Get out of my fucking way, you filthy Mudblood!" is heard from the corridor right outside. Mary's eyes widen in shock. Benjy doubles over laughing. And Lily just shakes her head, grinning, as she picks up her wand and turns towards the door. "What'd I tell you? I just had a feeling. And when I've got a feeling," she grins, singing, "A feeling a deep inside, oh yeah –," She slides open the door to see Potter holding some Slytherin kid by the collar as Benjy finishes with her – "Oh yeah that's right!"