Pirates of the Drunken Main
Disclaimer: All familiar characters belong to Marvel or Sunbow Entertainment. I own Farrah/Persiana and Leon/Crisis.
One Shot
Vision, the recent recruit to the West Coast Avengers, was accompanying Simon Williams, the heroic Avenger Wonder Man, to a bar in Bayville, to meet an acquaintance; Henry McCoy, the X-man known as the Beast. When entering the bar, Simon saw the furry mutant in disguise thanks to the image inducer. Simon shook hands with Henry,
"Hey, buddy! How are you doing?"
The last time the two met, both of them got drunk off of vodka martinis and Henry ended up thinking he was a super spy. That led to quite a commotion, but now, Vision was with them, so, hopefully, the solar powered robot would be able to keep their drinking in check.
Yeah, right.
Hank, Simon, and Vision were now sitting at the bar, drinking. Vision studied the rum bottle curiously,
"This is an odd substance, alcohol."
Beast, who was on rum, said,
"I'm telling ya-ya haven't seen Pirates of the Caribbean until you've seen it in 3-D."
Simon, who was also downing some rum, nodded in agreement,
"Yeah, and all those pirates like Blackbeard and Long John Silver; those were some serious hardasses!"
Vision down the rum and belched out loud, enough to knock the bartender over, as well as the other patrons at the bar. The android then started talking like Bender from Futurama,
"You know what we should do? Make our own pirate crew!"
Hank and Simon looked at each other and shouted,
"Pirates, Ahoy!"
Sometime later…
Leon Maxwell, the red-eyed powerhouse Crisis, was watching TV with his girlfriend Farrah Willows, the feline acrobat Persiana. Farrah had curled up to her boyfriend, purring as he scratched her ears. The lion girl grinned,
"I love you, Leon."
She rested her head on his lap and purred,
"I don't want you to stop."
Sam Wilson, the hero the Falcon, grinned at the sight,
"Wow, you two are unbelievable."
Farrah looked at him as the avian hero continued,
"Shouldn't you two be getting a room or something?"
The cat-girl was about to say something, but the red-eyed swordsman said,
"Farrah, no. He's not worth it."
Persiana nodded,
"You're right. He's just jealous he doesn't have anyone in his life that loves him."
Falcon got defensive,
"Excuse me?"
Farrah continued,
"Come on, Sam. You've been here how long and you haven't been able to hook up with everyone? Where's that Wilson charm you claimed you had?"
Sam pointed a finger at Farrah,
"I can have any girl I wanted to."
Farrah smirked,
"Then take Barbie out on a date."
Redwing, Falcon's partner and teammate, seemed to snicker at that. Sam, desperate to save his reputation, said,
"All right, I will."
He walked into the next room, where Carol was.
A few moments later, Falcon was screaming in pain,
"AAHH! SHE REJECTED ME! HELP!"
Carol came out of the room and shook her head,
"Falcon, I don't go all out on a first date."
She wanted to sit on the same sofa as Farrah and Leon, but, as she made her approach, Farrah extended her legs all the way across the sofa. The blonde Air Force brat said,
"Move, Farrah."
The white-haired cat-girl pouted,
"No. I'm warm here."
Carol gritted her teeth,
"Farrah, so help me God, I will pick you up and throw you."
Leon sighed,
"Farrah, just sit up."
The lioness said,
"Only if I get to sit on your lap."
Just then, a special report came on the television. A reporter said,
"We interrupt this broadcast for this special report. It appears five oddly dressed men have stolen a large wooden vessel, hoisted a pirate flag, and now are terrorizing the waters off of New York. We go live to our helicopter crew on scene."
The helicopter camera came on and the reporter in the chopper said,
"Well, I'm hovering above the scene, and it looks like these five people are running amok with a wooden pirate ship that they just made. I can see the black skull and bones flag."
Crisis narrowed his eyes,
"Wait, is that…Wonder Man?"
Miss Marvel blinked,
"Yeah, and I see Mr. McCoy, Warren, Zandar and Vision there too."
All five of said people were on board the pirate ship, dressed as traditional pirates. Simon, tilting his pirate hat and twirling his saber, ordered,
"Let's make 'em walk the plank!"
Beast shouted,
"AARRR! Let's steal their gold and jewels, then make 'em walk the plank!"
Vision belched out a stream of fire, which was used to navigate the ship to a yacht. This particular yacht belonged to Senator Kelly, whom; earlier was relaxing on his yacht in the middle of the harbor. He was now the subject of a pirate attack.
Leon blinked,
"Oh, God, I think Simon got to the rum again."
Jim Rhodes, the armored Avenger War Machine, came in and said,
"We've got a situation in New York. Simon's-."
Natasha Romanoff, the Black Widow, nodded,
"We know. Mr. Williams got drunk with the others, and now, the five of them are the scourge of the seven seas."
Farrah began laughing,
"You have got to see what they're doing to Senator Kelly right now."
Senator Kelly, stripped down to his underwear, was begging for his life,
"Please! Please don't make me walk the plank. I can't swim!"
Zandar and Warren came up, carrying a chest full of treasures, which were really just food and other stores,
"We've stripped the cabin, Captain."
Zandar pulled out a gold watch,
"This scurvy dog was holding out on us!"
Kelly begged,
"No, don't throw me overboard!"
Vision, dressed in a more frilly pirate costume, pointed his sword at him,
"Walk the plank!"
The bigoted senator took a step back, not wanting to get stabbed. Instead, he fell into the water.
What was worse was sharks were now encircling him. Kelly screamed,
"SHARKS! SHARKS! HELP ME!"
The reporter in the helicopter said,
"Hey, Angela. How much are you willing to be that we'll probably have a new senator after this?"
The reporter in studio just blinked.
War Machine and the others just stared at the TV. The armored Avenger said,
"We're going to go to New York and knock some sense into those five."
Pulsar and War Machine flew off. Farrah shrugged,
"Well, now that that's settled…"
She placed her body on the sofa in an unusually contorted manner and just lay there,
"I love this."
Leon rolled his eyes,
"When they get back, there's going to be hell to pay."
He then realized,
"Huh, I wonder what the X-men are thinking of this right now."
Meanwhile, at the Xavier Institute…
Jaime Madrox, the youngest mutant Multiple, was watching the news broadcast with some of the other New Mutants. The young clone maker asked,
"Is that Mr. McCoy?"
Sam Guthrie, the mutant Cannonball, nodded,
"It sure is. Ah had no idea he would be such a good pirate."
Amara, the mutant Magma, scoffed,
"Pirates. Cowardly bunch if you ask me."
Tabitha Smith, the mutant Boom-Boom, began laughing,
"Check it out; War Machine and Pulsar are there."
Pulsar screamed,
"WONDER MAN, GET YOUR DRUNKEN ASS OUT OF THAT COSTUME NOW!"
The bomb-making mutant then looked to the others,
"Has Cyclops and the other adults gone after Beast and Angel yet?"
Cyclops could be heard on camera,
"AAAAHHH! WARREN, STOP CHASING ME WITH THAT SWORD!"
Angel cackled out,
"Get back here, you scurvy dog! You'll never take me treasures!"
Tabitha grinned,
"I am so glad we're recording this right now."
Senator Kelly yelled,
"HEY, YOU IDIOTS HAVE TO RESCUE ME TOO, YOU KNOW!"
He then saw a large fin sink into the water. Moments later, the shark came up and almost bit Kelly. The bigoted senator shouted,
"SHARKS! SHARKS ARE GOING TO EAT ME! HELP!"
He was then felt something on his forehead and, when he touched it, he screamed,
"I'm bleeding! These sharks are going to eat me!"
He then noticed that everyone else had gone and he was the only there. Kelly whimpered,
"I'm dead, and it's all the mutants' fault!"
End of One Shot