Damn. This is starting to look like a lot of stuff I've written in the past. I need to quit sucking so badly. Oh, and I got the concept of Narcissus from a show I once watched. (Billy from Six Feet Under.) I just, you know, theorized on that first statement and succeeded in confusing the hell out of myself. And it still doesn't make sense to me. It probably doesn't make much sense to you, either, since you haven't come to that part in this one-shot yet. ^^;
Warning: Yaoi. Twincest (pretty much from the very beginning). Abuse of the semicolon. OOC. Probably lots of errors because I'm too much of a pussy to ask anyone to beta read for me. Urrgh. I don't own! (Except for my made up words.) Oh, also, I don't know exactly where the Hitachiin's residence is located in relation to the ocean. Just...use your imagination.
(He dreamt in pictures. Just snapshots. They were black and white and everyone else they knew were in color.)
His favorite thing about the house is the attic.
The word 'attic' conjures up mental images of dust and wood rot and cobwebs for Hikaru, but not for Kaoru. Kaoru sees their attic, which is just about as disenfectantly clean as the rest of the house. He sees the mysterious piano that has always been a part of the room. (Does anyone in the family even know how to play?) He used to experiment with it when he was younger, but lost interest within a year or so of toying with the thing.
He remembers, years ago, Hikaru watching him hesitantly pressing one key at a time, if just to see what tune it made. He would look up from his unsure fingers every so often. Hikaru would be watching, sitting patiently on the bench next to Kaoru, looking at him like he believed his brother actually knew how to play. Kaoru would look away after a few seconds and grin at the ebony and ivory keys until the moment was over. Looking back on it, Kaoru isn't sure when or why exactly that habit faded.
But mostly, when he thinks of the attic, he sees the ocean. He has the clearest view of it up here. For some reason, the Pacific looks almost teal colored on rainy days, like right now. He kind of wants to be out there. The vastness of the ocean used to scare him, endless and threatening, but not so much anymore.
Hikaru seems content to just sit here for now, though, so Kaoru decides that loitering out by the shore can wait.
"You know," his twin starts softly, sounding hesitant to break the comfortable silence. Kaoru tears his eyes away from the almost violent undertow—it seems very far beyond their spot on the piano bench—to look at his brother questioningly.
"I used to be afraid of it, too." he states almost wistfully. Kaoru chews on his lip and wonders what his brother means. This is a little strange. Hikaru isn't usually the one to start talking about things like fear and nostalgia; Kaoru is. And that makes the curiosity gnawing at him almost unbearable, but he takes great care in not letting it show.
He eventually gives up, smiling almost sadly at his brother.
"Afraid of what?" he inquires, scooting a little closer to Hikaru. He watches with interest as his twin opens his mouth to speak, but then closes it and wraps his arms around the younger's waist lightly instead. Kaoru is very used to displays of affection like this, so he sighs contentedly and easily returns the embrace like it's the most natural thing in the world. And for him, it is.
"The ocean." Hikaru murmurs against the other's neck. His breath tickles a little and Kaoru shivers, pressing into his brother when he thinks about the endless Pacific, how it's so much more overwhelming when it's raining—What little difference does one raindrop make once it's absorbed into the ocean?, he wonders with a twinge of discomfort.
Kaoru understands perfectly, so he doesn't have to ask Hikaru why. But, on another entirely different matter...
"How did you know I was?" he murmurs to Hikaru, closing his eyes as he tries to rejoin the moment.
"How did I know you were afraid, too?" his brother checks in a voice almost as light as a whisper. Kaoru gives a confirming, "Mm," and he listens to Hikaru's explanation with a small smile on his face, loving the warmth of his brother and his tone too much to worry about it.
"I don't know," he replies ambiguously, his tone suspiciously guarded. "Just a feeling, I guess."
Kaoru is far from satisfied with the vague answer, but he figures if it's important enough, he'll remember to ask again later. If not, then...it probably isn't that important after all.
He sighs and relaxes into his older brother's embrace. It's going to be depressing after this, when he has to go back to living among everyone else. Not that Kaoru has a problem with everyone else, really. It's just that they don't understand him and he doesn't understand them. Hikaru is the only exception, and that's why Kaoru is as happy as he's ever going to get right now.
He can feel Hikaru smiling against his neck. He's more preoccupied with that than his twin's extremely close proximity. He begins to wonder if it's narcissistic that he especially likes the subtle curve of Hikaru's hips as his hands travel down a little. That niggling anxiety that has been plaguing him with its unwanted presence lately is starting to come back. He can feel it chilling the atmosphere.
But when Hikaru releases a soft sigh against his skin, effectively heating him all over, he starts to forget about his uneasiness.
This isn't a hug anymore. Kaoru finally figures out what it is when his thoughts veer off into a completely different direction, like if it has to be on the lips to consider it an official kiss, and if not, maybe there are exceptions for first times...
Cold shock is finally starting to settle in when his unusually sluggish mind catches up with Hikaru and what he's doing with his mouth to Kaoru's neck. It feels...well, Kaoru isn't really sure what it feels like, or what it's supposed to feel like. Maybe he should ask Hikaru if what he thinks might be happening is really happening, that his neck is not-so-chastely being adored by a pair of pleasantly warm lips, but really, it just doesn't seem like an opportune moment to talk about what's actually happening right now. It would spoil this. And even though this is a little strange, Kaoru can't find it in himself to label it bad. That word has relative meaning, anyway.
His eyes flutter closed and he tries not to tense too much, tries not to think too much. It's almost unnerving, his twin's warm body flush against his, and maybe that's why he's so warm, but it's okay. Maybe it's the simple beauty of this room. Maybe it's the way Hikaru's hands tighten almost possessively around his waist, or...maybe it's Hikaru himself.
Kaoru's lips part as a sound starts to escape while his brother breathes softly against him, and his lips drift further upward, so slowly and quietly that it almost seems unreal. But there's a part of Kaoru that tells him otherwise, the lucid part that serves to tell him when he's awake and when he's asleep, even though it doesn't work like it's supposed to sometimes.
His skin is starting to crawl in a good way. He thinks Hikaru is probably picking up on that, because he's growing more fevered and passionate. Warm puffs of air are escaping Hikaru's parted lips, and Kaoru thinks that will probably be the hardest thing to forget about this, strangely. Because for some reason, that small detail—the small detail that is pushing him into a space of gentle pleasure and unwavering contentment he feels he could only share with is brother—reinforces the meaning of what they're doing. It's so strong; it's almost a good thing, but somehow, it topples over into someplace grave and jagged. That's how it feels to Kaoru, anyway.
Something curls violently within his chest and his whole world seems to constrict, shrinking to the point that Hikaru isn't even here anymore.
"St...Stop it." he whispers raggedly, urgency dirtying his tone. He feels Hikaru breathe harshly against him—not in the good way, how he was almost sighing pleasantly before—and tense up. And the feeling only gets worse after it has ended.
Kaoru opens his eyes even though he wants nothing more than to keep them closed forever. The presence of the ocean almost feels threatening now.
His brother leaves his side in jerky movements. Kaoru is beginning to shake, starting to dig his fingernails in the wooden underside of the piano bench, wishing he could say something that would bring Hikaru back. He doesn't want to think of what might happen if he never does come back. He can't. Not right now.
The feeling of dread that began only a moment ago isn't leaving. It's building. It's completely overpowering when he sees Hikaru's expression twisted into something akin to how he feels. Bewildered. Afraid.
"I'm..." Hikaru starts in a thin whisper. Kaoru sees his frame shaking almost imperceptibly and he can't process anything but his own guilt. "I'm..."
"I-I know," Kaoru finishes for him, even though he doesn't understand at all. He has no idea what he's saying. He feels like maybe he should keep talking, that maybe he could say something that could fix whatever just happened, but he can't speak. He has no idea what to say. He suspects Hikaru is facing the same dilemma.
Hikaru shifts, reaches forward cautiously, and Kaoru makes no move to stop him even though he feels like more physical affection at this point would only worsen things. But he just can't. He can't deny his brother anything else, because if Hikaru is doing this, it must have a purpose. Even though the hand placed on his upper arm that doesn't even feel like Hikaru's is uncomfortable, even though it feels really inappropriate to do right now, Kaoru doesn't resist any of his brother's efforts to smooth this over.
"It won't happen again." Hikaru vows in a harsh whisper that doesn't sound at all like him. And Kaoru hates it. He hates how foreign everything is becoming.
He is only comforted slightly when his brother speaks again, quieter this time.
"I promise." he murmurs, locking gazes with his shaken twin. The way he says it is more familiar. It has some semblance of Hikaru, a sort of soothing warmth that could never be imitated by anyone else, not even Kaoru himself. Not that he'd ever bother to try. What would be the point of that, when he has the real thing right here? And as long as that's not lost, it's okay. As long as what happened didn't destroy that, Kaoru can live with whatever this experience means.
He hopes so, anyway.
Hikaru's warm palm slides down his brother's arm slowly, almost hesitantly. But the feeling is mostly lost.
Kaoru swallows thickly and stares at the calming undertow. His brother's lingering presence almost seems to evaporate with the dissipating urgency of the ocean.
He wishes he could speak.
They exchange only meaningless words over the next few days. Kaoru notices that his brother hasn't really looked at him, and that bothers him more than anything ever has. That's including what happened to put this infernal wedge between them. Not even that was as uncomfortable as how Hikaru is acting now.
Kaoru has gone over everything in his head countless times, to the point that the repetitive mental images are about to drive him insane. The what ifs putting a stranglehold on his peace of mind has been keeping him awake at night, while his twin beside him has his eyes closed too tightly to actually be asleep.
He would do so much different. If he had the chance, he would take back what he said. The memory of his own words is deafening. He hurt Hikaru. He made him feel ashamed. Dirty. That's the last thing he wanted to make him feel, but that doesn't matter. The damage is done.
Kaoru isn't stupid; he knows how this is for his brother. He knows Hikaru more than Hikaru probably even knows himself. So he knows how his words influenced the situation, and that makes him feel more ashamed than his brother could probably ever feel for what he's done. That's why he's afraid to speak again, in fear of making things even worse.
If only he'd just been quiet; if only he'd just let Hikaru keep going. It wasn't bad, really. It didn't feel bad. It actually felt nice at first. Hikaru was being careful and slow and gentle, despite the fact that he was probably a little lost within some previously dormant hedonistic desire. There wasn't anything alarming about the way he had been touching Kaoru. It was...he doesn't even know. But it makes a small smile tug at his lips when he remembers. That's the only part he cares to remember.
He sobers when he remembers how he had to spoil it. Looking back on it, he can't really see why.
Shifting to his side, he chances a long look at Hikaru for the first time in what seems like so long. He seems to have fallen into a restless sleep. He tenses every so often and Kaoru has to make a conscious effort to keep from touching him. He hasn't for awhile...what an excruciatingly long stretch of time. And still going. Ridiculous. Because of one thoughtless thing he said.
It was just that when he realized what was happening, it frightened him more than he could have ever imagined. It was unknown, what was happening, and so completely different than how Hikaru had ever touched him before. He couldn't process that and the way his body was instinctively reacting at the same time. He just couldn't.
If only he could tell Hikaru that. But it doesn't make very much sense in his own head, so how can he ever hope to find the right words?
He frowns, frustrated and confused. The only thing that makes sense right now is the desire to fall back into hold habit and snuggle up with his brother. The guilt and shame is exhausting, and he's so tired. Maybe he can think about all of this later. But he can't right now, not when his body needs sleep so badly like this.
He can deal with the repercussions of this tomorrow. He doesn't care right now. He's so tired of keeping this distance with Hikaru; so tired of how it makes him feel out of place in the world. He hates the strained smiles, the words that serve as nothing but time fillers, the touches they only give each other out of obligation for everyone else. It makes Kaoru sick.
So, resigned to what he's going to do, he inches closer to his sleeping brother as quietly as he can, so as not to wake him up. That's the last thing he wants to do right now.
Please, please just stay asleep. You can deal with me tomorrow. Just stay like this for now. Please.
And, miraculously, Hikaru does.
Kaoru inches closer and rests his head against the warm chest in front of him. At this point, the only desire he has for anything is sleep. And that's incredibly fortunate. It's best to keep this simple right now.
He finally drifts off to the sound and feeling of Hikaru's breath evening out to easy exhalations.
He wakes slowly.
The fingertips tracing his morning kissed skin coax Kaoru in and out of sleep, and he lingers in some kind of limbo he'd be perfectly happy to stay in for the rest of time.
His senses dimly register a light touch trailing across his chest. He feels closer to being awake when the sensation travels up to his face, but he keeps his eyes closed. It isn't that difficult to keep his breathing even because he's relaxed and completely at ease with this. What he's feeling is soothing him into a state of unadulterated contentment, and he doesn't question it even has he begins to wake.
His skin tingles pleasantly under the warmth of the very welcome touch, and all he can think about is Hikaru. Hikaru, his brother outside of the host club, and awkward family dinners, and the construction of appropriate feelings while they do all this together.
He thinks of the Hikaru that is quiet with him in the attic, even though they both have so much to say.
Kaoru feels a silent string of words being mumbled against his chest, but he doesn't hear it. He wants to. He really, really wants to. So his hand falls to the whisper of a touch, needing to get to feel it and get to know it more than anything.
There's a sharp gasp, and a sudden breath of warm air fanning against his sensitive skin when his hand makes contact with his brother's soft, sleep-messed hair. Kaoru shudders and curls into the body next to him. The warmth is so indescribably addicting, it's almost sinful. But sin is the furthest thing from Kaoru's mind right now.
Arms tighten around his yielding body. He's lucid enough now to know what skin-on-skin contact feels like, and he sighs quietly into his pillow. He's unable to stifle a groan when a warm kiss is pressed to his stomach. His abdomen tenses and his still-sleep-fogged mind spins. That touch seems to be everywhere even though he can't really feel it moving to different places on his body. It's kind of confusing in his current state of mind, so he just gives up on trying to make sense of it.
It's hard to maintain a state of ignorance, however, when his name is whispered hotly against his skin. It brings a wave of mortification and almost mystifying pleasure, and he really isn't sure what to do with either of those feelings.
He settles on opening his eyes, tensing and leaning into the touch at the same time because he has no idea what the appropriate response for this should be. Well—no, he does, but he couldn't bring himself to pull away from this just yet. Or ever. It feels too good after being deprived of it for such a long time.
It felt like a long time, anyway.
He knows that Hikaru knows he's awake now. He's starting to get afraid that it will discourage his brother, because Kaoru has broken an unspoken rule that was first established that day in the attic. But Hikaru is, too, so he supposes it's okay.
He looks down with his bleary eyes and sees another pair staring right back up at him. It's almost startling. He's proud of himself for not jolting.
Hikaru looks a little different than he usually does. His features are softened to the purest expression, one that Kaoru can't remember ever feeling on his own face. He wonders if it's still egotistical, then, that he's unabashedly admiring him. But maybe that doesn't matter. It doesn't look like Hikaru minds. If the small smile forming on his face is anything to go by, he's actually happy with the way that he's being looked at. And Kaoru decides that makes it not even close to wrong.
"Good morning," Hikaru greets, voice softer than usual. The gentle smile on his face incinerates any lingering anxieties Kaoru has, and he effortlessly replies through a smile.
"Morning, Hikaru."
He loves the way his brother's expression brightens. And because of something he said, no less. Something so small and simple. It means the world to Hikaru.
"We should get ready now, unless you want to be late for school." his older brother warns. The words lose their impact somewhere in Hikaru's unconcerned tone.
"Okay," Kaoru answers softly, more than a little distracted. He cares about as much as Hikaru does about being late, which, admittedly, isn't at all. But it really isn't worth getting an earful from Kyouya.
He groans quietly to himself as Hikaru slides out of bed and heads to the shower. He isn't really sure if he should wait for Hikaru to finish and end up being late or risk ruining things again by joining his brother in the shower, which wouldn't be new, but in light of what has happened recently...well, nothing is really clear right now.
Fortunately, Kaoru's dilemma is solved when he sees Hikaru throw a questioning glance behind his shoulder as he steps into the bathroom. Kaoru thinks that his eyes are holding promises of things he isn't ready to think of yet, but he figures he can sort out whatever doubts he has about that later. He has brought Hikaru back and he's happy, so really, there shouldn't be anything else to worry about except for getting to school on time.
Kaoru loves that, as mundane as it is.
"Who put those stars in your eyes, love?"
"Oh, Tamaki! You did!" the young woman shrieks with a gleeful giggle.
Hikaru been carefully sipping at his tea up until this point. Startled, the sudden jerk of his body, even though it's subtle, results in the jostling of his teacup. Kaoru watches as it spills some on his mouth and a little underneath his Ouran uniform. Normally, he would laugh at an innocent accident like that. But he's not in the mood. His brother has been a little quieter than usual. It seems like he's been in deep thought, which is probably why the sudden noise startled him as much as it did.
Kaoru grimaces at nearly the same moment his brother does. Hikaru looks his younger brother's way, grinning bashfully in a way that says he's alright and he's getting up to take care of the mess himself, but Kaoru grabs a handkerchief out of his pocket anyway.
He feels like his twin is watching him a little more closely than usual as he sidles across the small gap separating the two on the sofa. He crawls on Hikaru's lap without any outward hesitation, but it has started to almost get harder to touch him like this when they're not alone. He's not sure why. Maybe it's because they had nothing to hide before. Everything they showed the host club was everything they had. But they have so much more now.
Everyone seems to have forgotten about what they'd been doing now. Even the girl Tamaki has been wooing is watching the small event unfold.
He can feel several pairs of eyes on them. Everyone's attention is on their impromptu show. They should be desensitized to the prying eyes by now, but Kaoru certainly isn't. Lately, it feels like these people have been intruding on them, and he knows it would be wrong to resent them for it.
They are, after all, pretty much asking for the attention.
Well...they used to be, anyway. Now it just happens, whether the prying eyes are welcome or not.
Hikaru is ignoring them. He strangely seems to have no problem doing it. He's looking at Kaoru with the same intensity he does when they're alone. His brother is pleased—delighted, even—but a little anxious because of how intimate this is getting.
He calms himself with the knowledge that this looks no different to their audience than their usual 'acts', and he begins to dab Hikaru's face gently with the end of his handkerchief. My god, what is wrong with me? He harshly wonders to himself. Hikaru probably has one; he could have easily done this himself. Not that I mind doing this, of course, but it's kind of...redundant.
Hikaru doesn't look like he has realized that, though. He's still staring at Kaoru wonderingly. The younger falters, trembling a little.
Why is he looking at me like this...?!
Hikaru suddenly cups his brother's idle hand with his—both of them, actually. His fingers are warm and reverent as they tighten around Kaoru's knuckles gently.
He drops the handkerchief entirely when Hikaru decides to place a few small kisses on the back of his hand.
The host club is just ambient noise now.
"Thank you," he mumbles between innocent pecks. "Kaoru."
He's grinning as Kaoru's name leaves his lips. Kaoru realizes he is, too.
"You're welcome..." he murmurs. Hikaru hums quietly in reply. The grin playing on his pale pink lips becomes warmer and more inviting. Kaoru feels a familiar desire blossoming inside him, clearly mirrored by his twin, but he's quickly brought back by the raucous cheers surrounding them.
"The brotherly love! It's so beautiful!"
"I've never seen anything quite like it!"
"Kyaaa!"
Kaoru tenses, sliding off his brother's lap. He doesn't fail to notice how Hikaru's eyes dull a little before he takes his place back at his brother's side. It sours the moment.
Before Kaoru can comfort himself with the fact that there will most likely be plenty of opportunities for salvaging this later, he notices Tamaki a few meters away with his arm around the girl with stars in her eyes. It's a little strange that their de facto leader is standing out from everything else right now—even Hikaru's arm tightening around his shoulders—as Kaoru generally doesn't pay too much attention to their dense "king." He's just always there. Never really a big part of the Hitachiins' lives.
But right now, it's different.
The blond's mouth is slightly agape and he isn't talking for once, but that isn't what's so peculiar to Kaoru. It's the way Tamaki's eyes aren't shining with mirth spurred on by delusions of fantasies and love too good to be true. It's the absence of what's there that is so strange. And Tamaki suddenly doesn't seem so dense anymore.
Kaoru looks away before he can see anymore, leaning into his brother's warm embrace. He almost shudders. His insides feel uncomfortable just thinking about it, but he wants to know. He wants to know what Tamaki saw.
It's almost impossible to hear Hikaru asking if he's okay over the rush of his own thoughts. He can't think of anything to do but nod and return the question, more for etiquette than anything else.
He just wants to go home and think of everything but this.
Narcissus must have hated himself.
Really, who would want to stare into a glass, a perfect mirror of one's inner hideousness? Who would willingly analyze every flaw, even the flaws that count—character flaws—but a masochist?
He couldn't have fallen in love with his reflection. He couldn't have fallen in love with someone so arrogant and self-involved. He had to have either seen something in himself that he couldn't actually feel, maybe some redeeming trait, or perhaps something else.
Maybe he just felt the best way to atone for his sins was to confront them with a mirror. That, really, should be commemorated. If it were the truth, that is.
But no one really knows for sure. Just leave the story the way it is, because it doesn't matter, and confusing the moral of the tale makes it lose its meaning.
It's just a myth, anyway. Not real. It can't be. Really, what kind of fool could fall in love with his reflection?
Kaoru could try to gaze into the waters of the Styx River for the rest of forever, but he prefers the ocean. He would much rather stare at it from afar with Hikaru.
He shudders, releasing a low whine as Hikaru's hand kneads him through his boxers. He can feel his brother panting against his neck, not making much sound other than that.
"Ahh, y-you—" Kaoru starts to groan.
"Shh," his twin interrupts gently. Maybe he's afraid of someone hearing. Maybe he's afraid of how loud this is getting, how bold and real it's turning out to be. Kaoru isn't sure; he isn't sure of anything right now except for Hikaru's presence and the vitalizing sparks of excitement and arousal flooding through him. "Shhh..."
Kaoru whimpers softly, restrained, and tries to smother the noises he's making in Hikaru's shoulder.
He's unable to keep his hips from moving against Hikaru's palm. He needs friction. The lust tightening in his lower abdomen, hot and demanding release, is insatiable. He can't stop begging with his body like this. He really can't. He's trembling needingly, wondering how long he'll be able to stay perched on Hikaru's lap like this before he collapses on the bed when this starts feeling like more than he can handle.
He can feel Hikaru's other hand toying with the edge of his boxers. He knows what's going to happen, and it makes his nerves tingle in anticipation.
Kaoru needs this. They both do. After an extended period of self-imposed distance between the two, this seems almost inevitable. The isolation was excruciating. The loneliness Kaoru felt, despite sleeping beside his twin every night like usual, has turned into his worst fear.
This resulting clash of coming together again and hormones should almost be expected. And yet Kaoru, with his misplaced longing, lies disbelief and shock underneath that. He's too far gone right now to know that it will surface later. All he knows right now, all he cares about, is this. This closeness, the feeling of Hikaru's clothed arousal firm against the back of his thigh, and the subtly trembling hand dipping into his boxers.
His idle hands grope for Hikaru. He needs something to keep him steady because it's happening, it's actually happening, and he can't feel all of this without holding onto something to anchor him to reality. He ends up clinging to his older brother, arms wrapped tightly around the other's heaving torso. He feels Hikaru's muscles relax a little under his touch. There's a pure rush of selfless satisfaction following that. But the smoldering heat between his legs brings him back suddenly.
Hikaru is touching him. He's touching him, there, and even though he's hesitant and unsure, Kaoru keens and bucks wildly in his twin's hand like it's the best thing he has ever felt. Because it is.
Hikaru seems to pick up on that, that Kaoru doesn't care how he does this, just that he does this. The younger redhead moans raggedly while his body is taken away in the fervid urgency Hikaru is now displaying.
His whole body feels like it's throbbing. He feels so much more sensitive to everything, especially touch, than he ever has. The way Hikaru is stroking his pulsing erection is going to stay with him for the rest of his life, he's sure. He could never forget this.
"Let me know if you want me to stop," Hikaru breathes. Kaoru barely registers the words. All he hears is the throaty way they're said and how much he likes hearing that, guttural and hungry.
Kaoru's reply is an answering whimper. He needs more. Hikaru's thumb is rubbing him someplace while the rest of his hand is pumping, and Kaoru isn't really sure what's even being done to him anymore, just that it feels really good. He loves this high. He loves the way Hikaru is whispering things that don't even make much sense, and yet the meaning is still far from lost. He hears poetry and feels heaven.
If this didn't feel so incredible, he would be scared that he has so little control over how both his body and mind respond to stimulation like this. But this is everything to him right now. It doesn't matter what it will be later.
He nears the edge, euphoria reaching an astronomic peak. Hikaru is coaxing him to what he knows will be an indescribable climax with everything he's got. He clings to his twin even tighter, toes curling, hardly able to breathe as he reaches his orgasm. It feels messy and amazing and brain-scattering, not at all wrong. He has no idea why he ever worried about this.
He feels his brother's hand leaving him, and through his release, he feels a little guilty and ashamed of the mess he has made on Hikaru.
His earlier concerns about falling off of Hikaru and shattering the moment proved to be true, but that's okay. Hikaru is falling with him. He's still clinging to his brother and his face is still buried in his neck, whimpering as he writhes in Hikaru's arms.
He gradually comes back, though his body isn't even beginning to cool off. He's still a hot mess. But he's lucid enough to realize what's still poking into his thigh. He can't just leave it. He can't torment Hikaru that way. He doesn't want to seem selfish, absorbed in his own pleasure. Because he isn't. He wants Hikaru to feel as good—no, better—than he does. The knowledge that he's feeling the same for Kaoru that Kaoru is for him is already very satisfying, but it could be so much better.
He forces his almost non-complying limbs to work, squirming out of Hikaru's arms to climb on top of him.
"Kaoru...?" his brother murmurs questioningly. He meets Hikaru's eyes and sees that he looks troubled, almost like he did after what happened in the attic a few days ago, Kaoru realizes with a shock of memory.
No! Don't think of that, not now. Definitely not now. Don't ruin this.
He frowns a little and tries to get his thoughts to disperse. That isn't helping anything. But still, it's not easy to stop thinking about, especially with Hikaru looking up at him like this.
He wonders if it's something he has done wrong. Or maybe it's something he hasn't done. He thinks it would probably be best to ask, but there's a part of him that doesn't want to know. Despite the fact that he's starting to get nervous and out of his mind, he doesn't want to know anything right now. This isn't the right time. He hates how much he relies on his flawed logic, he really does, but the flawed logic has the upper hand right now.
His hand reaches for Hikaru's arousal without breaking eye contact, which is probably another mistake he's making. It makes it feel so much more intimate, and while that should be a good thing, it doesn't feel like it. Maybe they're not comfortable enough with each other. Maybe they're not ready. Maybe this whole thing was a mistake.
It's really easy to believe all that as he watches Hikaru's eyes widen while his fingers trail down his brother's flat abdomen, discomfort and fear clearly there and undisguised. He doesn't even have enough time to try to undo the mistake he wasn't even aware of making. Hikaru does that for him.
He shoves Kaoru off. His mystified brother is unresisting and he falls to his own side of the bed. The firm touch of Hikaru's hand, so unlike it was just moments earlier, lingers on his skin.
He can't even bring himself to look at Hikaru. He's afraid of what he'll see. It's already hard enough, hearing the labored breathing next to him.
He isn't really sure what happened. He's sorry. He's so sorry, for whatever he did. The pleasure he felt at Hikaru's hand almost feels stolen now. Whatever he thought that might have been is sullied now, assuming it was ever pure.
Kaoru knows it would be wise to leave their room so that he can sleep somewhere else. It would feel like a pathetic attempt at trying to resuscitate the innocent affection they used to have for each other.
He can't believe he hurt Hikaru again. That's more of a sin than anything they could ever do together. It's unforgivable to Kaoru. He feels like the guilt eating at him is well-deserved, for whatever he did, so he does nothing to quell it. Not that he ever could, even if he tried. Only Hikaru could.
Still, he can't bring himself to leave. He isn't sure why. He just won't be able to, ever, unless Hikaru actually tells him to leave. And, strangely enough, he doesn't.
Kaoru retreats into himself, laying awake and watching the night stretch on as if the morning is afraid to confront it.
He can hear Hikaru's breathing return to normal beside him, and he supposes that's all that matters right now.
The day starts off so bright, Kaoru is convinced that the sun is going to short out soon.
Of course, it's a ridiculous thought, but things like that actually seem plausible just after waking up. Really, though, it almost feels like it's burning through his closed eyelids.
He allows himself to feel a very welcome sense of complete bliss for just a moment. All he knows of, at this particular point in the morning, is that he can smell the faint vanilla scent of Hikaru's shampoo, and he can feel his hair brushing lightly at his jaw. It tickles a little, but Kaoru doesn't mind.
What really brings him out of his half-asleep state is the gentle feeling of cool fingertips tracing his hipbone and the soft breathing below his ribcage. He shudders, partly out of pleasure and partly out of fear. Images flicker through his mind, memories of sounds; whispers, moans, tastes, even though he didn't actually dare to, but Hikaru was so close and it was hard not to breathe in the sex-musk and vanilla that drove him even deeper into everything.
And that was the problem. He was in too far. He did something he shouldn't have, even though it seemed so right at the time.
So he can't even begin to worry about deviating from the societal norm, or hiding this, or how he can start to prepare to live in sin if the majority of the population is actually right. He can't worry about anything but the vital mistake he made last night when he tried to...what? What was he doing?
Not only is he ashamed that he obviously made Hikaru uncomfortable, but he didn't even pick up on it until it was too late; until he had to be told to stop in the bluntest way possible. There must have been a broken link in the metaphorical chain that bonds them for Kaoru to have not realized the mistake he was making sooner. The reception isn't stable anymore. When he thinks of Hikaru speaking to him, he hears static.
"I'm sorry."
The whispery words are spoken against his chest, smooth and mellifluous. Not static. Hikaru. Just Hikaru.
Kaoru's eyes snap open, breath catching in his throat when he's met with his brother's calmly distressed face, which is a contradiction, and it just makes everything more confusing.
"What?" he finds himself whispering, hands aching to touch his brother's soft features. But there are just too many things holding him back.
"I'm sorry." Hikaru repeats, not even flinching when his tone breaks. His expression is that of a man on death row that has wisely accepted his fate.
Kaoru decides he doesn't like that at all. It makes it feel like his heart is seizing in his chest.
"Why?" Kaoru breathes. He doesn't mean to sound so desperate or have his eyes widen like they do, but that's what happens. Hikaru's sincere and unexpected apology makes him feel rotten inside.
It's starting to look like Hikaru is feeling the same. Kaoru almost regrets asking now, but he's soothed a bit when his twin begins caressing the small of his back like it's the most easy thing in the world to him. It feels better than it should, but it's just so...
"I..." Hikaru starts softly, then hesitates. As his eyes narrow in thought, Kaoru realizes that he's not feeling the least bit impatient, like they've got the rest of forever to figure this out. He knows how dangerous holding onto fanciful notions like that can be, but it's so hard not to. He's just so taken by things like that.
He's a dreamer and a romanticist. It seems like all he ever does is imagine. And hope.
"For last night," his brother finally answers. His voice is heavy with bitterness directed at himself, and it makes Kaoru cringe. He can't even feel the comfort in the way Hikaru is touching him now. "You...um, you were just trying to...you know, I guess, and I just—I, uh, I don't even really know. I don't know why I freaked like that, but I know it freaked you out, too. I just...I didn't know what I was doing. I'm sorry."
As he finishes his broken speech, he looks away from his brother. Kaoru watches in bewildered silence, hearing nothing but Hikaru's words echoing in his head and seeing nothing but the way he's biting his bottom lip. He hopes that is a habit that has just recently developed, because if it's something Hikaru regularly does, he hasn't noticed it.
"No," Kaoru hears himself objecting a little harsher than intended. But Hikaru's words are so disturbing and this idea he has in his head is so wrong; it's hard not to get upset. "No, no. You're not...you're not supposed to be sorry. You didn't do anything wrong, Hikaru."
He hates how his voice is shaking, how Hikaru is reacting to it. He just looks utterly disbelieving and confused, and he's not touching Kaoru anymore. His fingers are just idle against his brother's skin, and the worst part is, neither really notices.
Kaoru starts to open his mouth to speak again, but he chokes on the words before they can be heard. He knows he's going to apologize if he speaks. He knows he should. But he also knows that this is just going to turn into an endless cycle if he does. Hikaru won't let him shoulder the blame, even if he should. It's not right. But unfortunately, emotion is a lot more powerful than reason, which is why they're in this situation in the first place. The door is even open to get out of it, right now, for the both of them, but they're not going anywhere near it. It feels too far and distant, and neither know what's on the other side.
Kaoru, personally, is just terrified of getting separated on the way.
Hikaru starts to recover, sputtering a reply and looking too pale.
"But, I—"
"You," Kaoru interrupts, blindly grasping Hikaru's hand. "did nothing wrong."
He isn't sure of what they're doing, what they've already done, what it means, how long it can last, or much of anything, actually, but he is very certain of what he just told Hikaru.
Hikaru is quiet. The only indicator that he's actually heard what Kaoru said is the tightening of his hand around his twin's, which silences both of them.
He climbs up closer to Kaoru, face-to-face, and it's almost redundant because his expression is unreadable. The younger teenager is just scared that he can't tell what Hikaru is thinking or feeling right now. It used to be so easy. But maybe that's because Hikaru never hid anything before. He never had a reason to.
When he remembers it's Saturday, Kaoru unconsciously sinks into the textile comfort of their bedding. He wants to bring Hikaru closer, but he's not sure what's okay to do right now. He isn't really sure of anything. And the next thing that Hikaru says makes it clear that he's not sure of anything, either.
"What are we doing?"
His voice is soft. Lost. Like he doesn't even expect an answer. And Kaoru doesn't have one. So he wisely chooses to remain silent, letting the question hang in the air like his tuneless melodies in the attic never did.
Kaoru was right. The sun did, in a sense, short out. He's not sure how such a sunny day could turn into one of the worst storms he has ever seen (excluding from on TV, of course). But that's what's happening. They'll be fine if they stay inside, so that's what they'll do.
He lingers at Hikaru's side, leaning against the wall under a window. He feels close enough to it to feel like he's outside. He can't hear Yuzuha tinkering around in the kitchen, rearranging things that don't need to be rearranged, awkward and unsure of what to do with herself. It's too bad she has already gotten her project in on time, too bad her husband is off on business and she isn't, merely because of chance. Because of this rainstorm.
Kaoru knows all of this without hearing.
He thought doing this would created a sense of distance between him and the world, so that he could think. But it's not. The melodic tune drifting through his ear, so subtle with its boldness that it feels like the lyrics are snaking around his brain, only serves to make him feel more connected to Hikaru because he's hearing the exact same thing. Kaoru is using the left earbud, and Hikaru is using the right.
He wonders if Hikaru is perceiving the music differently because of that, because of that small difference. That doesn't make any sense. But he was, right about the sun, after all. So why not this?
There's nothing else to do. The electricity is out. Kaoru hopes it will come back on before the sun goes down, because he knows his mother is a little afraid of it, even though she goes to great lengths to cover that up. But he can't blame her for being scared. She's alone. Kaoru isn't.
He's disturbed by how comfortable he is with that. But that doesn't even come close to scaring him off. It isn't healthy, he knows, being so dependent on his twin for fulfillment. He knows he should find that elsewhere. But he can't bring himself to even try. Knowing what it would do to him, and especially Hikaru, keeps him secure with where he is right now.
It's dysfunctional. They both know that and Kaoru can't stop thinking about it. They both know that their world is shrinking again, and it definitely won't stop unless they decide stop it. But Kaoru feels safe this way. Comfortable. Happy. Why change that for someone else's vision of idealism? Why can't they figure it out on their own?
Why should he willingly isolate himself Hikaru? How could he?
He feels a shifting beside him. Hikaru leaning back on his palms, face upturned to the ceiling as if it's the sky and he can feel the unrelenting rain washing away his expression.
Kaoru can't hear the music anymore. At this moment, he can only see.
There's a ghost of a smile on Hikaru's face, and Kaoru has no idea where it has come from. Hikaru hasn't even brushed his hair after waking up today, and there are boldening circles forming under his eyes from sleep deprivation, and Kaoru thinks this is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He likes how Hikaru just doesn't care when they're alone. Superficialities; perfection. It's all less than nothing.
It doesn't matter that Kaoru probably looks the exact same right now, that feeling this while he's staring at his identical twin brother is probably narcissistic by anyone's standards. All that matters is that he has never felt this way, ever, looking at himself.
So, he decides, it must be something purely intangible that is linking the two of them.
Kaoru would very much like to believe that.
He's ready to turn off the iPod. The music is getting repetitive and overbearing, and it's making him feel far from Hikaru. He would rather hear Hikaru speak. Would rather hear Hikaru tell him words surging within him, with more poetry and lilting, pleasant melodies than this singer could ever achieve.
But he forgets that idea when his brother's arm slips around his back, deciding that he doesn't have to hear Hikaru speak right now to feel okay.
He feels himself hum very quietly as his skin warms. He looks to Hikaru, blinking curiously when he sees his blissful expression hasn't changed at all.
Kaoru thinks that maybe being holed up in this house during the storm isn't as bad as it first seemed.
He relaxes against Hikaru, quelling his nerves and hoping the clouds won't clear any time soon.
He hates how his mother stares at them.
It has been a few hours, a scant few damp, rainy hours, and he feels like she already knows.
Safeguard everything, Kaoru tells himself. Don't do anything with Hikaru. Don't touch him. But what if she already knows? What'll she think...god, no, there's nothing...there's nothing we can do. Tell her she's wrong? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just being paranoid...yeah, maybe...tell her she's wrong, and she'll have something to be paranoid about. Just don't say anything. Don't.
He starts to wonder if Hikaru suspects the same thing. How could he not notice the way Yuzuha looks at them? She's not even suspicious anymore. The skin between her eyes is pinched, because that's the way she looks when she gets sad. It seems like she's passed wondering or worrying.
She's standing where they were sitting, putting window stickers on the frigid glass for some reason. Kaoru has honestly never seen those window stickers in his life. Everything about today is surreal and confusing.
He sees Hikaru at the opposite side of the couch, staring at nothing on the floor, and realizes that the release they somehow found earlier this afternoon has lifted. Kaoru can only hope that it will come back soon, because he's getting worried.
He wishes the TV would work or something. The silence is getting really uncomfortable, especially with Yuzuha in here. Knowing what she knows. Knowing what she feels. If only she could've gone to work, done whatever she had to do to contribute to the world of beauty and fashion, and her boys could have had a lazy afternoon of tentatively figuring this out and accepting the only happiness they'll ever find.
But nothing ever works out the way it should.
"Either of you meet anyone special yet?" Yuzuha speaks, voice flat, like she already knows the answer. Kaoru almost winces.
"Special?" parrots her younger son with fake confusion. He mostly just wants to buy time to come up with a reply that's believable and will satisfy her. He doubts that's even possible, but he'll try.
"Mm-hm," Yuzuha murmurs, thumbnail scratching at the edge of a ladybug window sticker to pull it off. But she just put it on, Kaoru thinks to himself. "You know. A girl or something."
Or something.
For some reason, Hikaru wakes up out of his daze at this moment, eyes darting around wildly. Kaoru wishes he could say or do something right now, something for Hikaru, because he's worried about him. But he knows how easily that could be misinterpreted.
"Uh, no." Kaoru answers quietly. He decides it's not really worth lying when she probably already knows. "We—well, I haven't."
"That's a shame." Yuzuha continues softly. She sounds disconnected now, scary. Too focused on the ladybug window sticker.
Kaoru begins to panic.
She knows. She knows. She knows.
He notices that Hikaru isn't saying anything on his own behalf. He's looking at Kaoru now, expression discontent and a little anxious. He hopes it's because they're on opposite ends of the sofa at a moment when they both feel uneasy, rather than the affect of what their mother said. Or what she didn't say. There's a lot left unsaid. Really, whoever said that avoiding the topic makes it easier to deal with? It only festers until it emerges in the most ugly way.
Kaoru is just waiting for it.
Yuzuha doesn't even ask Hikaru the same question. Kaoru guesses that she's just tired of deluding herself, entertaining false notions and hopes about her sons. What else could it be? He doesn't blame her. He honestly pities his disquieted mother. She has no work to distract her from the uncomfortable truth because window stickers aren't mentally stimulating.
Kaoru wonders how long she's known. Has she suspected for awhile now? Did she figure it out after just a few hours of solitude with her only sons? And if she's that perceptive, how much would she know about them if she stayed at home everyday? How many traits would she realize they don't share? How long would it take to tell the two apart with a glance?
"You're such a gentleman. It won't take long. You'll find someone, and you'll like her as much as she'll like you."
She nods to herself firmly, even though her words are anything but that. Kaoru flinches. He directs his gaze to Hikaru, but it's not soothing him like usual. His older brother is picking at invisible lint on the suede arm of the sofa now, and he looks like he has drawn into himself again. He doesn't want to hear this conversation. Kaoru doesn't, either, but what choice does he have? Someone has to supply fake answers to fake questions. Hikaru obviously can't right now.
Kaoru will grin and bear it. For Hikaru.
"Yeah," he agrees quietly. His tone is trivial. Illusory. It repulses him, and he just wants to be alone with Hikaru right now, because he never sounds this way when he talks to him. He couldn't, even if he tried.
No one in the room is startled when the sound of lightening cackles, somewhere close.
Kaoru sighs, closes his eyes, and ignores everything.
He feels like he's being stretched in two different directions. He wants to stay where it's safe and warm and very easy to forget, but he's being pulled somewhere else.
"Kaoru," something or someone soft whispers against his jaw. "Kaoru, wake up. She's asleep."
The words summon him, demanding tone ringing clearer than anything. He feels like the unspoken meaning of what has been said will be forever etched in his brain.
He decides not to fight it anymore. He feels warm and safe here, too, maybe even more so than when he's sleeping and dreaming of nothing.
He opens his eyes, but he can't see much. It's dark. But it really doesn't matter, because he can feel the heat of the body outlined against his side, the feeling of Hikaru breathing against him. He doesn't mind that he's awake now. At all.
"Hikaru?" he inquires in a voice raspy with sleep. "What?"
He can't really remember what his brother just told him. He's still catching up with the present.
"She went to sleep, Kaoru." he tells him in a tone so light that the groggier of the two feels a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "Went to her room to go to sleep a few minutes ago."
He hears the unspoken words clearer than the actual ones.
We're safe now.
"Oh...okay, Hikaru..." he finds himself whispering, words forming thickly on his tongue while he tries to make sense of this. Of everything. And it really doesn't feel like the time for that.
"I can't believe you slept all afternoon on here." Hikaru comments quietly in his brother's hair, sounding beautifully untroubled. Kaoru almost forgets he's on the sofa, that his body should be sore from sleeping so long in a slouched sitting position. The feeling of everything—Hikaru's body, gentle breathing and words that sound soothing no matter what's said, the hand cupping the curve of his shoulder—is all too well received. His body remembers it. His body remembers how Hikaru feels and how it feels when it's being touched like this, how it really shouldn't respond, but does, anyway.
There's a breathy whisper against the nape of his neck.
"Now you're not going to get any sleep tonight, you know."
Kaoru shivers, feeling like he's is melting between the cushiony arm of the sofa and Hikaru. He's too distracted by the body pressed comfortably against his to wonder whether or not there was any innuendo in Hikaru's last statement.
He's happy. Maybe things aren't all better, but they certainly feel better—right now, at least.
Kaoru doesn't care at all about what Tamaki might know or thinks he knows, or his mother, even though she deserves happiness as much as anyone else. He knows he can't be the one to give her that. She has to find it herself. If her ideals are restricting her of that, the only thing she can do is change them, because that's all she has the power to change right now.
But he wants to put off thinking about that until the morning. What happened this afternoon won't be remembered or felt until tomorrow.
The night belongs to them now. It will always have to be that way in their case.
"Did the storm pass?" Kaoru sleepily asks, noting the absence of the sound of the storm howling outside. Too bad the rain is gone.
"Mm...yes, it did." Hikaru answers soundly. There's a smile in his voice. Kaoru suddenly loves the night more than he ever has. They can stop pretending now. He can't wait for the early morning hours, especially, when the sun just starts to come out, and it's day again, and they can sometimes absorb all of that, and each other, before the world wakes up.
He enjoys that the very most.
"Aren't you tired?" Kaoru asks, not bothering to hide the concern in his tone. There's no telling what time it is. Probably much later than when they usually go to bed, after wrestling with if what they want to do and what they should do are different or not.
"Nah," Hikaru murmurs nonchalantly, mouth drifting to his brother's cheek. Kaoru greedily leans into the touch. "I'm fine. I woulda camped out on the couch with you if I needed to sleep too badly."
But the way his words are starting to slur and run together suggest otherwise.
Kaoru forgets to press the issue when a soft, lingering kiss is pressed to his cheek. His head feels light and his skin feels warm, and he stops thinking of everything almost entirely except for this, right now.
"Hikaru..." he whimpers, the need in his tone almost palpable. He hates how he sounds, but he figures it doesn't really matter, since it gets the point across. Hikaru is climbing on top of him and Kaoru hears him breathing shallowly.
He feels like he needs to be closer, even now, in this already close position, so he winds his arms around Hikaru's waist and pulls his willing body flush against his own. He hears his brother gasp at the contact. It's a beautiful noise, and it feels amazing against his throat, where Hikaru's face is resting.
They're both motionless for a few moments. Kaoru is mentally adjusting to this close position. He still feels so new at this, so clumsy and awkward. What they're doing is extremely atypical. There's no example to go by, no guide he can consult when he's not sure of something. The only source of comfort he can salvage is the knowledge that Hikaru is in the same boat as he is. Kaoru feels like they could do this forever, foster this...this relationship, and still never know how it works. He'll always be fumbling in the dark, waiting to hear Hikaru telling him that what he's doing or the way he's doing it is just fine.
They're close enough that Kaoru can see Hikaru's eyes if he looks closely enough. His twin is radiating innocent excitement and a little bit of anxiety. He can feel it, too, so he knows.
One hand is cradling Kaoru's face. His fingers are whispering touches along his brother's jawline. He feels his face heat up, and he knows Hikaru can feel it. He can feel everything right now.
Hikaru approaches slowly enough to allow plenty of time to be rejected—not that Kaoru ever would. Not that he ever could, after what happened the last time he did that. So there's a part of Kaoru that sees what's coming. The anticipation is quiet enough to keep him relaxed.
Hikaru kisses like he smiles. Soft; natural, with a gently hushed meaning. Kaoru presses back, eyes falling closed, doing absolutely nothing to stop the dizzying feeling that comes with this. He likes it. He's not worrying about anything right now because he knows that no matter how he does this, Hikaru will like it, too. He can't mess up when it comes to Hikaru. Maybe that's the reason this all started.
He feels like he's being roused from a deep sleep. That's how his brother's carefully moving lips feel against his. And then he realizes what a wonder it is that they forgot about this until now. How could doing this, for the first time, slip their minds? Kaoru has no idea how he forgot. He thought he would have at least remembered during one of those moments with Hikaru that seemed to outwit time, when he's feeling needy and helpless and his body feels like it's throbbing almost painfully when he's not being touched. He would think, at least then, he would remember, remember that they haven't done this yet, and it's more important than almost anything.
Really, though. It doesn't matter very much now. It's happening; Hikaru is kissing him, and it feels like more than a first kiss should feel, which is good. It's very good. He's so floored by everything that he almost can't respond. But he is, even though he's not really sure how this is supposed to work. He's doing it. And he's sure that's all that Hikaru cares about.
Hikaru pulls away for a small moment. Kaoru is suddenly aware of how shockingly fast his heart is beating, and the feeling of comfortable warmth blanketing his whole body. He feels Hikaru breathing against his mouth, and it makes his lips part longingly. He needs to feel it again. So Kaoru takes the incentive this time, pulling Hikaru even closer to him and meshing their lips a little harsher than before.
Hikaru immediately responds. His hands are all over the his brother, especially his torso, and that makes Kaoru throw himself into the kiss zealously. He nips and sucks tenderly, wondering through his clouded mind how he's never tasted Hikaru like this before. He's never heard Hikaru like this before, either, humming quietly and groaning in this way. He isn't even aware that he's making similar sounds, he's so focused on Hikaru's.
They separate again, this time for air, mostly. It's completely silent for a few seconds, save for their choppy breathing.
And then Hikaru dives back in again, even though neither have really caught their breath yet. That's when Kaoru loses count. He doesn't keep count of this third, of the fourth, or the fifth kiss. Everything starts to bleed together.
They grow more fervid and less coordinated with each passing moment, desperately coaxing reactions from each other. It turns into an endless cycle of urgent movements. The room sounds loud to them, with their noiseless pleas that they can only hear.
The sun kills it. When the room brightens, they stop going at their own pace and follow the morning's. It slows until Hikaru's fleeting touches are faint against his brother's cooling skin, and Kaoru's kissing is just so light and delicate that they're just semitransparent shadows of everything else. Hikaru enjoys it all the same.
It helps soothe the morning in. And when they have to leave each other and stay away, until whenever they can fall back into this, they work to make it just a little less painful than it has to be.
The days get longer.
Well, they feel longer. To Kaoru, at least. Time seems to stretch on and on, especially when he's with Hikaru. It's a little confusing because he always thought time sped up when life gets enjoyable. What a cruel joke played by the universe, that would be. But it isn't. So Kaoru thinks about that whenever the world starts to feel too small, or too big. Whichever. Either makes him feel lost. He wouldn't care so much about that if Hikaru didn't, but he does. He seems to know exactly when Kaoru doesn't feel as right as he should, and that unbalances both of their equilibriums. It's always so hard to get level again.
But it's okay. Right now, it's okay. Nothing is perfect, of course. Nothing could ever be completely perfect about their abnormal situation. But stolen moments with Hikaru makes Kaoru feel revitalized and indescribably happy, like right now.
He's remembering what was whispered the last time they were up here, "It won't happen again, I promise," and wonders what happened to that. It almost seems like a distant memory, or something he was told that happened to a friend of a friend.
Kaoru doesn't really care where it went, that vow that was no doubt very sincere at the time. It feels like the room has absorbed it. The walls are keeping their secrets. It's bizarre that that would be here, in the attic, instead of their room.
But they like it here. No one hardly ventures up here, and this is where it started. This is theirs.
Something rises within him, a not entirely unfamiliar need, when Hikaru kisses him soundly on the throat. His neck is tingling pleasantly, a little moist and red in some spots from his lover's unbridled affections.
He whines softly, and not completely voluntarily. He wants to touch. His hands and fingers agonize for it, but their progression has been cautious over the last few days, and he's not yet sure what would be considered crossing the line. He can't help but remember the last time that turned into a disaster—when Hikaru wasn't ready, when something went wrong, and it wasn't the right time and how awful it was that he couldn't recognize that...
"Kaoru," his brother murmurs next to his ear. He sounds concerned. And then he realizes that he has started shaking, just a little, as he lives the shame of his convoluted thoughts. "Kaoru, please, you...you need to stop thinking..."
Kaoru is about to protest that the suggestion is about the most heinous thing he's ever heard, but his thought process comes to an immediate halt when Hikaru traces the edge of Kaoru's ear with his tongue, and it's...god...
"Ohh," he moans, body now trembling for a completely different reason. His face promptly colors in mortification. He's still so unused to this. He can't believe that sound just came from his lips.
That seems to motivate Hikaru further, however, and he doubles his efforts. Kaoru squirms on the piano bench as Hikaru's hands travel up his t-shirt. His hands are warm, searching almost wildly for a reaction. And he gets just that.
Kaoru can't hold in the quiet murmurs of pleasure spilling from his lips. He's arching under his brother's ministrations, desire sharply spiking within him.
He knows he can't fight his body's natural reactions, so he doesn't even try. Truth be told, he doesn't want to. He's enjoying the feeling of the warming and throbbing of his groin, so much that he's even encouraging Hikaru at this point. Normally, he's self-conscious about being so vocal, but it just seems to come so natural now, especially with those hands caressing him all over.
"H-Hikaru," he pants in a small whisper. "I want—th-there...!"
His speech is stunted when Hikaru traces the outside of his areola teasingly. He can hear his brother breathing in choppy breaths, like he's the one being touched, like he's the one with lust curling demandingly in his lower abdomen. When Kaoru thinks that maybe the latter really does apply to him, too, he's suddenly very much more aroused.
"Here?" Hikaru breathes unnecessarily as he continues. He knows Hikaru can feel his nipple peaked between his forefinger and thumb, how he jolts against the other when he's being touched there, so Hikaru must want to just hear it.
Kaoru, at this point, has no problem granting that desire.
"Yes," he groans lowly. "Yes."
He begins dotting light kisses all over Kaoru's face, teasing, everywhere but his lips. Kaoru marvels at how subtle touches like this make him feel just as needy as the...other things Hikaru does with his mouth.
Kaoru's eyes widen as he cries out. He mentally reprimands himself for being so loud, but Hikaru doesn't seem to mind at all. He's making a noise, too, something between a whimper and a moan, and it makes Kaoru tremble at the sound of it. Maybe that's how he sounds to Hikaru. Maybe it's okay if he doesn't stifle the sounds he's making.
He inhales the scent of his twin, sweat and a subtle sweetness lingering underneath that. It's just naturally him. It's unique to Hikaru, and Kaoru's senses are registering it as that. It's almost purging and it seems to effortlessly relax him.
"What are you thinking of?" his brother breathes, instinctively knowing that he's thinking. He's pulling away from Kaoru to stare meaningfully into his eyes.
That, out of everything they've had difficulties doing, has always been so easy.
Kaoru is taken by the warm mixture of lust and adoration swimming in Hikaru's eyes, and wonders how that could possibly belong to him, how it could be for him.
"You," Kaoru replies honestly, lips twitching into a small grin. "This."
"Oh."
And it's Hikaru that grins, really grins. It warms Kaoru to the core.
His eyes linger on his brother, and he's suddenly aware of his arousal. He hears Hikaru draw in a sharp breath when Kaoru's eyes linger there, on that specific part. He's stricken with a warming desire to touch Hikaru, to coax delightful reactions from him and commit every part of it to memory.
But he's not sure if that's right. What happened last time he tried something has made him extremely cautious. That's starting to slip away, though, when he meets Hikaru's meaningful stare again. He doesn't look hesitant or afraid at all, like last time. His sultry gaze make pleasurable tingles dance all over Kaoru's flushed skin.
Does he really...?
He groans softly when Hikaru ensnares him in a long kiss without warning. His hands are all over Kaoru again, and he's doing things he's never done with such gusto, sucking and licking gently at Kaoru's flushed lips before he decides to plunge into his brother's wet mouth.
Kaoru is a trembling mess. He can hardly bring himself to reciprocate. The longing building between them is almost unbearable. This, for some reason, feels a lot more intense than anything they've ever done—which, honestly, isn't a whole lot.
Right now, he wants nothing more than to touch. Really, it's incredible to be touched, but he would very much like to feel Hikaru like Hikaru is feeling him. Or maybe even further than that. But Kaoru is afraid to, despite the fact that his twin's body language blatantly reads that he's very relaxed and aroused.
Kaoru, for his part, thinks it's some kind of miracle when he feels Hikaru's hand cupping his, guiding it. Their kissing has slowed to languid, almost familiar movements. They're comfortable with it. And, somehow, Hikaru is comfortable with this, too, as he places his brother's hand on his thigh.
He would have to be an idiot not to get the suggestion. Hikaru is very aware of what he's doing, judging by his almost hesitant movements.
Kaoru is a little confused. Mostly elated, though. He decides to try to forget what happened last time, since that really has no place in what's happening right now, and it's only holding him back from what he now knows is alright.
His fingers curl around Hikaru's inner thigh, and the absence heat of Hikaru's hand on his own still very noticeable to him. Of course he let go; why wouldn't he?
He allows his eyes to flutter closed for a small moment. Hikaru is nuzzling his neck and everything is abnormally quiet for a few seconds.
The silence is interrupted by a small noise from Hikaru. Kaoru is stroking his lower abdomen, wondering if he's going to be able to do this right. He figures it would be hard to disappoint Hikaru, though, and that's probably why he's so comfortable doing this in the first place. It's awfully sentimental, and he doesn't care about that in the least.
He's purposefully slow as he undoes the pants. Hikaru has had plenty of time to show any discomfort, and he still does have time. Kaoru's hormones are telling him to go faster, that he really wants to feel the firm heat of Hikaru in his palm right now.
He thinks that Hikaru understands. He's trying not to show how impatient he is, but Kaoru knows why his brother is squirming and releasing half-restrained whimpering noises. It's very provocative and it drives Kaoru's want heavenwards, whether or not Hikaru realizes that.
He reaches in, gently grasping, and Hikaru loses it.
"H-Hnn! Kaoru!" he gasps sharply against the other's neck, thrusting his hips forward. Kaoru loses it about then, too, and forgets about anything holding him back. He finds that he really likes the feeling of Hikaru's warm, rigid length in his hand. It makes his own arousal throb impatiently, but he ignores it and focuses on the more important matter. More important to Kaoru, anyway.
Hikaru's hips begin to bob in time with Kaoru's impassioned strokes. He's flush against Kaoru, keening and whining in that way that makes his lover desperate with yearning. They're both getting all they want right now.
Kaoru can feel his brother's hands on him. His fingertips are fleeting and all over the place. The sensation of his touch lingers sometime after it leaves, and the other teenager realizes that he likes that just about as much as anything.
His finger grazes the head, effectively smearing precum down Hikaru's length. His twin groans something against his brother's skin, and Kaoru can't really hear it, but it makes his skin heat up everywhere all the same.
As he experimentally gives Hikaru's arousal a gentle squeeze, it pulses impatiently in his hand. Hikaru almost screams something at the same time, trying to muffle the sound against Kaoru's neck. Kaoru loves how this doesn't seem surreal and scattered, like last time. Maybe they still didn't know enough about what was happening between them, and their heads couldn't catch up. And then it was a train wreck of a disaster because of that.
But things have changed now. This isn't as evolved as it could be, and it's still very new, but at least they have some idea of what it is. And there's nothing about the noises Hikaru is making, or the demanding, almost obsessive desire pulsing in Kaoru's groin, that feels uncomfortable or wrong in any way.
This is theirs. Kaoru won't let anyone take that away. Not even himself.
He pulls away, just a little, so that he can see Hikaru's face. Although he really does enjoy the feeling of Hikaru's labored breaths ghosting down his chest, he needs to see him.
Hikaru doesn't object. He probably even understands, judging by the way his hooded eyes immediately meet Kaoru's. There's a small smile on his face, lazy and tantalizing. He has never seen it on his brother before, and he's shocked that the unfamiliarity isn't at all frightening. He's enthralled.
Hikaru's eyes are shining with an emotion Kaoru is only beginning to get acquainted with. His lips are flushed and red, parted while he breathes shallowly. This is new. He has never looked quite like this, and Kaoru can't stop studying it, like he'll forget if he doesn't.
Hikaru suddenly shudders and chokes on his breath for a small moment.
"Kaoru..." he whines softly. Kaoru watches, fascinated and needing, as a shudder rips through his lover's frame.
He tries to keep Hikaru steady, even though he's shaking and his own limbs feel weak. This is the first time he has actually seen Hikaru climax, felt him climax, and there's absolutely nothing light or frivolous about it. He doesn't even have to try to remember what this is like. He knows he will. He doesn't have to worry about that.
He holds Hikaru as close to him as he can, almost dizzy and feeling everything.
Neither of them say anything after this. The silent promises are always easier to keep from breaking.
A/N: The end there was a reference to the Roman version of the myth. Uh, hopefully I got that right.
Review? I want to know what you think.