WWE on CNN
We focus in on your stereotypical newscaster sitting behind a desk. The host introduces himself, and says,
The host nods to the camera and says, "Hello, this is CNN and tonight we are talking to various employees of WWE Inc. To start we have WWE Champion, John Cena. How are you tonight?"
We pan over to see John Cena sitting on a large sofa by himself, and says, "I'm great, and I'm here to clear up any misconceptions about WWE and its drug policy."
The host shakes his hand and starts, "Ok, so lets get right to the point. How would you respond if we were to charge WWE with only having started a drug policy started to be proactive and to avoid a media backlash, which upon that never occurring the policy was allowed to become lax and everything now is just a cover up?"
John Cena stares blankly at the host for a moment. Then after a full 30 seconds of silence Cena yells, "You cant see me!!!" and does the hand waving thing in front of his face then stops, his hand stopped completely covering his face.
The host is stunned for a moment then asks, "Um… Mr. Cena?".
Cena sits there motionless, his face covered by his one hand.
John Cena stays that way and says, "…"
The Host waves his hand in front of Cena's already covered face.
Cena: "…"
The host stays quiet for a moment, then tries to push on, "Um… ok, I guess it's time to interview our next guest, Stone Cold Steve Austin. Mr. Austin, how are doing tonight?"
SCSA: "WHAT?"
The host blinks a few times then repeats himself, "Um, I asked, how are you doing tonight?"
SCSA: "WHAT?"
The host sighs then moves on, "Ok, never mind, would you like to say your piece about WWE's drug policy?"
SCSA: "WHAT?"
The host raises his voice and slowly says, "The… Drug… Policy…"
Stone Cold leans forward raising his voice and starts to speak angrily, "You're asking Stone Cold about the drug policy? What kind of drugs? Tylenol? WHAT? Motrin? WHAT? Unisom? WHAT? Aspirin? WHAT? Advil? WHAT? Dayquil? WHAT? Nyquil? WHAT? Actifed? WHAT? Sudafed? WHAT?"
Austin gets up and leans over the host's desk, pointing at him, and continues, "…Look at you, you mealy mouth son of a bitch… sitting there with at your little desk, with your stupid little pen in your fingers, silly little tie, your little glasses, glass of water on your desk, stupid grin on your face… I should pull you across your desk and stomp a mudhole in you and walk in dry. And that's the bottom line cause Stone Cold Said So…"
Austin then gets up on the desk, smashes two cans of beer together and pours it over himself and swaggers off the stage.
The host is completely taken aback. The first thing he asks quietly, "Where did he get the beer? We don't have any beer in the green room where our guests wait…" Then he looks at Cena and asks, "Was there any beer back there?"
John Cena: "…" (Hand still in front of his face)
The host shakes his head in disbelief and tries to play it off, so with a chuckle he says to the camera, "Well I guess rage can come in forms other then roid, right? Well, maybe we can get some answer with our next guest, ex-WWE superstar and current movie star, The Rock."
The Rock looks at the host and replies, "The Rock is happy to be here."
"Let me ask you this," the host questions his guest, "what do you think about WWE's drug policy being at 10:1?"
The Rock folds his arms and responds, "Well let me turn that around. What do you think about it?"
The host starts to explain, "Well according to most experts, they think…"
The Rock standing up: "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!"
The Rock turns his back to the host, lifting his head slightly and raises his eyebrow, standing motionless.
The host, leaning over picking up the papers he dropped by the surprise of the sudden outburst tries to compose himself and asks his guest, "Um, so can you tell me what you think about it?"
The Rock: still posing motionless, eye raised "…"
The host reaches out and gives Rock a little shake on his shoulder, then repeats himself.
The Rock: "…"
The host then looks over at Cena.
John Cena: "…"
The host sighs, "oh dear… maybe we can get some straight answers out of our next guest, The Great Khali."
Great Khali bursts into the room and screams, "AOUHI MOBORH. NOK TABA NABOO!"
The host quickly says, "Ok… moving on… we have the Legendary Ric Flair."
Khali frowns sadly for a moment then sits down sadly. Flair comes in and sits next to him.
"Mr. Flair,'. the host interviews, "its good to have you on. So far we haven't been able to get many answers from our guests tonight. I'm not sure if WWE Superstars can answer a question straightly."
Ric Flair: yelling "Who the hell are you to say that WWE superstars cant answer a question?" Starts to take off his jacket "I've been answering questions since you were in diapers, and let me tell you that when I answer to the women they STILL swoon!" Starts to pull off his pants in a rage "Because it doesn't matter how old I am, at Disneyland, the oldest ride still has the longest line, WOOOOOO! Pulls off his shirt in a fit Maybe if you punk mark reporters had some respect for us wrestlers we'd show you some, WOOOOOOO!" and yes, off goes the underwear now
Security quickly rushes to pull the naked 60 year old off live TV, as he's being dragged away you hear, "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" slowly getting quieter.
The host pulls out his handkerchief and mops his brow. He then asks, "Can we end this already? This is turning into a nightmare."
The host looks over at his guests to see if they agree.
John Cena: "…"
The Rock: "…"
Khali: "CORUSCANT OORBACOK NOABIANAGO DAGOBAH ENDOR!"
The host looks over at his director who gives him a shake of the head signaling that they may not end early. "Sigh… ok, the show must go on… next up is Mick Foley." said the host.
Mick Foley walks in waving to the camera giving two big thumbs up, then sits down and says, "Thanks for having me."
The host shuffles his papers and asks, "I guess my first question to you is do you think that WWE is serious about their drug policy?"
Mick Foley chuckles and says, "Let me tell you something that's serious. My new TV show is going to be a serious look about the going ons in the life and activities of the Foley Family. You should check your local cable stations for time and showings!"
The host was a bit thrown off by Foley's odd answer, but he pressed on, "How do you feel about how the standard method of testing is 4:1, but WWE is using a 10:1 ratio?"
Foley chuckled again and replied, "10:1? Let me tell you something about 10 to one. When my first book, "Have a Nice Day", personally written by me, Mick Foley, debuted it came out at number 10 on the NY Best Seller list, but quickly rose to number 1. How's that for a 10 to 1? And you can still get that book wherever fine books are sold."
The host try to move on and pressed harder, "I mean, this is a program with people who children look up to… do you think this is a good thing for children to watch?"
Foley grins and answers, "Well if you want something good for children, I have not one… not two, but THREE different children books that are just fantastic for the little ones. If that's not good for the children you're just crazy. Just like you'd be crazy to not rush out to your nearest book store where those 3 books are sold. Not to mention my other fantastic works of literature as well." He gives the camera another thumbs up and toothless grin.
The host groans a bit and tries his hardest, "Come on, you have to admit that the way WWE handles wrestlers with a problem are cold at best."
Foley quickly speaks up, "Speaking of best while cold, check out these brand new Mick Foley Ice Cream Sandwiches. So much nuts and caramel they're totally hardcore! Check for them in the freezer section of your local supermarket" Gives the camera a thumbs up
By now the host is completely frustrated, "Mr. Foley, is there ANYTHING you have to say on the subject of steroids in wrestling?"
Foley doesn't miss a beat and says, "Well supposedly, Steroids are suppose to give you a jolt. But that's nothing compared to the jolt you get by starting your morning with a bowl full of Foley O's! It's lightly sweetened corn cereal shaped into O's, with marshmallow barbwire bats! Khali has a bowl everyday, that's how he got to be as big and strong as he is, right Khali?"
Khali screams, "Alderaan en tipity tatooine!!!
The host groans and throws down his papers angrily, "Look, are you going to answer ANY of my questions?"
Foley gets serious and then answers somberly, "You know its important to have answers to your questions. And what question is more important then "Am I Pregnant?" Well, now you don't have to wonder anymore, because I have recently released 'Cactus Jack's Home Pregnancy Kit'. Unlike most Pregnancy kits, that uses urine, this one reads blood. All you have to do is bust yourself open with the barbwire bat that comes with the kit, and pour in half a pint of blood. 5 days later you'll know if you have a bouncy baby hardcore legend in the making on the way." Foley gives another thumbs up
The host is about to yell at Foley for another non-answer, but suddenly something hits him and he questions, "Wait… it takes blood?"
Foley grins and says, "Well, we were going to make it so it takes off ripped off ears, but I figured you could only test yourself twice, that's not good marketing sense."
The host sighs and shakes his head, and asks dejectedly, "Mr. Foley… I have tried… and tried to get you to talk about the matters at hand. Is there ANYWAY I can get you to talk about any of the subjects that you have been scheduled to talk about?"
Foley stroked his chin and said thoughtfully, "Hm… you could give me 50 bucks?"
The host quickly said, "What? We don't pay for interviews."
Foley looked shocked and asked, "Wait… I'm not getting paid for this?"
"No of course not," the host explained, "We simply don't pay for interviews."
Foley quickly gets up and leaves, but you can hear him off screen, "Hey, you there, for 20 bucks I'll go into the back alley with you."
The host put his head on the desk and quietly moaned, "When is this night going to be over?" Then he tried to put on his best face and introduced, "Ok, we have a very special guest up next, the WWE hall of famer, Iron Sheik."
The Iron Sheik came in, nodded and sat down.
The host said a quiet prayer then asked, "Ok, can you tell us what you think WWE should do with people who violates the drug policy? Should they be fired?"
In a thick accent Sheik answered, "No… no fire sheiky. Sheiky knows they should be humbled. Furst you Suplex them, pudda 'em in the camel clutch, breaka their bahcks, then fook their ahss."
The host stares at his guest in shock then asks, "Um… isn't that a bit harsh?"
The Iron Sheik continues his ramblings, "Sheiky knows… Sheiky knows about the boys and the bowling."
The host stares blankly for a moment then has to ask, "bowling?"
Iron Sheik proudly says, "Bowling. Yes da newspaper of loof. Chucking the mustache. Then when you hear them. They know. Oh, sheiky knows. Sheiky will says no more." then folds his arms.
Host continues to stare in disbelief then asks, "I'm… I'm sorry, would you mind clearing that up?"
Iron Sheik: "…"
Host: "Anything?"
Iron Sheik: "…"
The host lowered his head and sighed deeply, "Ok… does anyone have ANYTHING they want to say?"
Cena: "…"
Rock: "…"
Iron Sheik: "…"
Mick Foley suddenly came back on stage walking across it asking, "Hey, I got popcorn here, what do I hear for this bag of popcorn half eaten by the hardcore legend himself? We'll start off with 5 bucks."
Khali raised his hand and yelled, "MUSTAFAR!!!"
Then Austin ran in, and flipped over the host's desk, flipped the man off, and stormed off again. From underneath the desk we see Hornswoggle jump up and dusts himself off, then he sees something, jumps in fright and scampers off offscreen. Then we see that what scared the little bastard is that Ric Flair, buck ass naked, streaking across the stage running from the guards screaming, "Wooooooooo!"
To top it all off, Ron Simmons suddenly poked his head into the lower left half of the screen and yells, "DAMN!"
In the moment of quiet that followed all this the host yells, "Ok that's its. LAST CHANCE. Does anyone… ANYONE… have anything they want to say to make tonight not a complete and total waste?"
From behind the host's chair, Boogeyman pokes his head out, grinning and drooling out worms. The host stares at him for a moment and then… the host looks at the camera and quickly says, "Ok, that's all the time we have
Foley quickly yells out as they fade off the air, "SEND ME MONEY!!!"
THE END
This has been a work of fiction. All names used in this story do not represent anyone alive or dead, and if they bare any resemblance to actual wrestlers then you probably misread it. Ok, to be serious, these past two weeks have been a pretty shitty time to be a wrestling fan. So if my little farce could bring some laughter to my fellow fans, then it was definately worth it! Thanks for reading, please review!