Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach
Description: AU. Kensei Muguruma is the best detective around; military training, sharp mind, sadistic temperament that forces his victi-er, suspects to confess, he's got it all. The best man on the force. Kensei is quite proud of this status...until he's assigned to guard a certain mentally unstable rich girl by the name of Mashiro Kuna who insists on bringing her rather large bumble bee, who she named Akina-Chan, everywhere she goes, much to Kensei's aggravation. Pretty soon, Mashiro isn't going to be the only one who's mentally unstable...
Rating: This might be a little on the M side. I don't think I'll really add any graphic lemons, but there's gonna' be some gory violence, along with a lot of crude, dirty humor, lol.
A/N: These two are just soooooooooooooo cute together! I can't get over it, lol! And Kensei may be calmer than he is in the actual anime, but he is just as sadistic and inwardly violent; he just has more self control.
Chapter 1: Long Assignment
Kensei smirked down at the suspect; Kei Mizushima. He glanced at the middle-aged man's file. "Let's see here, Mr. Mizushima. You have quite the record. Abusing all 4 of your wives, 3 of whom have disappeared and one turned up just this morning in quite the state.
"I didn't kill her and I didn't leave her in that ditch! Let me go!" Kei practically screamed. "I didn't kill Kaiya!"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down there, punk." Kensei laughed coldly, throwing the file on the table and leaning forward on his elbows, the smirk never leaving his lips. "Who said anythin' about her name, her status, or her location?"
"Wha_?"
"You gave yourself up, boy. Looks like your luck has run out. So, if ya' tell me where the other women are, maybe you won't get such a harsh death sentence."
"Th-the death sentence?"
Kensei's smirk grew wider and he nodded, leaning back and putting his feet up on the metal table, hands behind his head. "Thaaat's right. The death sentence."
"B-but_"
"Think about it this way, dude. You torched her limbs while she was still alive. Then you jabbed knives into the burns. I must say, you are one sick little b******. One disgusting homicide like that is enough to land you on death row, but three more that we don't even know about? You'll be lucky if you die within an hour." Kensei laughed again at Kei's pale face.
"An hour?"
"Or more. Of complete and total torture. Just like you put those poor innocent women went through. We can work a lighter deal if you tell me where the other bodies are."
"How do you know they're dead?"
Kensei opened the file, showing him pictures of evidence. "Blood and bits of melted skin in your kitchen and bathroom. Reports of screams from the neighbors. You look in the mirror and you'll see that you have scars from where they clawed at you to fight back. When you were still clumsy with your work, one of your earlier wives slashed your chest with a butcher knife before you could kill her, am I correct?"
"How did you_"
"I'm a good guesser. Need I go on? Because believe you me, when it's time for me to go, all doors for you to tell us where the other women are for a deal will close for good. You'll die a slow, painful death all alone."
"You can't_"
"Tick tock, tick tock." Kensei tapped his watch. "I hear burning alive is the style for sadistic b***** like you. They'll keep dumping water over your head and keep you alive until they think it's time for you to die; that could take days, you know."
"Okay okay okay okay!" Kei held his hands up hastily. "Okay...I'll...I'll tell you everything!"
Kensei took out a notebook and pen, grinning sadistically. "See that you do."
o0o
"D***, Muguruma," Shinji Hirako, Kensei's former partner, muttered, folding his standard inspector's trench coat and stuffing it in his locker as he prepared to go home to his short blond b*** of a wife, Hiyori Hirako. "How do you do it?"
"I happen to have a little, well, large in my case, thing called balls, Hirako." Kensei closed his own locker, locking it and grabbing his bag. "Maybe you should grow some."
"Coming from the man who's never had a girlfriend in his life?"
"I've never had a girlfriend because I don't want some annoying b**** screaming in my ear and throwing sandals at my face like a certain dumb *** blond I know."
"Hey. Hiyori and I love each other, okay? Besides, angry sex is the best sex."
"I don't want to know about your supposed sex life, Hirako."
"Then don't mention it."
"I didn't."
"You mentioned screaming."
"Why would you care if I mentioned screaming? Are you a screamer?"
"No! Hiyori is!" The signature Shinji-sympathy-begging-pout. Kensei punched him.
"Wipe that stupid look off your face, f*****. You look more like a balless wonder than you already are."
"How would you know I have no balls? You been lookin'?" Shinji rubbed his cheek, glaring at Kensei.
"Rose took a peek in your shower, and claimed to have seen sand coming out of your gaping vagina." Rojuro Oturibashi was a local bar tender who was good for a tip if the detectives ever needed one, especially if the detective was a guy. Or Lisa, who was Rose's best friend; seeing as they were both gay.
"Haha, so funny..." Shinji muttered.
"I'm a funny guy. See ya' at work, Hirako." Kensei gave a short wave, walking out of the locker rooms and into the snowy clutches of early winter. Winter in Rugonkai pretty much sucked; it every d*** day as soon as all the trees were bare. People had to walk home; driving on the icy roads was so dangerous that it had been ruled illegal unless the driver rode a motorcycle or bike or something.
Kensei did have a motorcycle once, but when he'd been chasing after a mafia member one early spring, he'd been run off a bridge into the half-thawed river of Hueco. Not a fun experience and he hadn't seen his bike since. Sometimes he missed that sleek black Harley Davidson... That mafia chick payed big time, though.
Just as Kensei was sticking his key into his apartment, his phone rang. Rolling his eyes, Kensei picked it up. "Muguruma, what the f*** do you want?"
"Can it, sex toy." Great. Yoruichi Shihoen, the directer. "I got a job for you."
"Every time you have a job for me, you wait until I'm just gettin' home to call."
"Keeps ya' on your toes. So anyway, this rich kid just showed up, name's Mashiro Kuna_"
"Don't tell me this is that dead prince of Seretei's kid daughter..."
"Oh, you guessed it! Good job, you get a gold star, Mr. 69."
"Shut the f*** up and go eat some d*** tuna. Oh wait, you already have some."
"Oooh, you're getting better at the insults. I'm quite proud," Yoruichi purred. Kensei rolled his eyes. "Aaaaaanyway, don't keep the princess waiting. She's getting on my last nerve."
"So you're dumping her on me? Why not Hirako?"
"Because Hirako is married to a shrimp b**** who will kill the d*** kid with a sandal."
She was right. Hiyori wouldn't stand one moment of someone who annoyed the laid back Yoruichi. "Whatever. I'll get over there as soon as possible." Hanging up, Kensei relocked his door, yanking the key out of the hole and shoving it back in his pocket. Yoruichi would be lucky if he didn't kill the princess too; the last witness protectee he'd housed was Hiyori herself and they'd ended up practically killing each other before the b**** was finally moved with Hirako.
o0o
Mashiro opened a jar of honey, holding it out to her precious Akina, a giant bee that was nearly 3 times as wide as she was and almost as tall as her. Mashiro didn't know where she came from or how she got that way, but she loved Akina dearly. After all, Akina was the last present her mother gave her before she died. And now that her father was gone too, Mashiro needed all the friends she could get. Unfortunately, Akina seemed to be the only friend Mashiro could seem to get.
Akina buzzed happily, taking in the honey. The door slams open and both Mashiro and the cat-lady who's name started with a Y looked up. A tall, buff young man with a shock of silver hair glared at the cat-lady, then at Mashiro. He's really cute...but looks like a meanie face...
"Come on, then_ What the f*** is that?" He pointed at Akina.
"She is my friend, meanie face!" Mashiro pouted. "Her name is Akina and you will treat her with respect!" Mashiro stomped her foot angrily.
"There's no way in Hell I'm treating Bugzilla with 'respect'. Anyway, come on."
"DON'T TAKE ME AWAY, YOU PERVERT!"
"I'M NOT TAKING YOU AWAY, YOU DUMB ***! I'VE BEEN ASSIGNED TO PROTECT YOU AND I'M GONNA' DO MY D*** JOB SO I CAN GET PAYED!"
"IF YOU IDIOTS DON'T STOP YELLING, HEADS ARE GOING TO BANG! MASHIRO, GO WITH KENSEI! KENSEI, DON'T KILL MASHIRO! NOW F*** OFF SO I CAN GO HOME AND GET PAMPERED BY MY BOYFRIEND!" Yoruichi grabbed Mashiro's arm, and shoved Kensei out the door, pushing Mashiro with him. She forced Akina out too. Mashiro put her hands on her hips, blowing a raspberry at the door, glaring at it and hugging Akina close.
"Come on, Princess," Kensei sighed.
"I don't wanna'! You're a meanie faced pervert!"
"I WILL CARRY YOUR *** THERE!"
"Then Akina will sting you!"
"NO SHE WON'T BECAUSE SHE'LL LOSE HER STINGER AND DIE!"
"NO FAIR! HOW DID YOU KNOW?!" Mashiro screamed, stomping her feet and throwing a temper tantrum.
"You're really doing this here? In front of the whole Rugonkai?"
"YES I AM!"
"Yeah, well not any more." Kensei yanked her up, throwing her over his shoulder. Mashiro screams and whines, beating on his back and kicking at his gut.
"PUT ME DOWN YOU DIRTY OLD PERVERT! PUT ME DOWN PUT ME DOWN PUT ME DOWN PUT ME DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNN! UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUGH!"
"You're only makin' yourself look dummer than you already are. And you're going to make your throat raw by screaming like that in this weather."
"PUT ME DOWN YOU MEANIE FACED PERVERT!"
"D*****, I'M NOT A F****** PERVERT YOU DUMB B****! I HAVEN'T GROPED YOU OR ANYTHING!"
"BUT YOU'RE KIDNAPPING ME!"
"I'M NOT KIDNAPPING YOU! IT'S MY JOB TO PROTECT YOU AND I'M GONNA' DO THAT! EVEN IF I HAVE TO CART YOUR SKINNY *** AROUND LIKE A SACK OF POTATOES!"
"I'M NOT A VEGETABLE!"
"YA' COULDA' FOOLED ME!"
"I BET THAT'S NOT HARD TO DO!"
"HOW 'BOUT YOU LOOK IN THE D*** MIRROR WHEN YA' SAY THAT, PUNK!"
"THAT MEAN SAYING IS OLDER THAN YOU ARE, MR. MEANIE FACE PERVERT CAVE MAN!"
"CONSIDERING I'M ACTUALLY PRETTY D*** YOUNG, THAT'S NOT MUCH OF AN INSULT YA' BUG-EYED B****!"
"QUIT BEING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAN NNN!"
"HOW 'BOUT I QUIT BEIN' MEAN WHEN YOU QUIT BEIN' ANNOYIN'!"
Mashiro pouted, slamming the side of her fist down on his back and going back to kicking, punching and screaming. Needless to say, this didn't work. I don't like this guy. He's so mean! He has something to say whenever I do! Oooh! I know! Mashiro shifted her weight and bit down as hard as she could on Kensei's neck. A strange sound slipped out and suddenly, she was dropped on her butt. She glared up at Kensei through an especially large pouty lip. She didn't like this at all. Usually, she won every argument and got exactly what she wanted. Being stuck with Kensei meanie face just wasn't fun at all.
Kensei held his nose, glaring at her. "DON'T F****** DO THAT! DO NOT F****** DO THAT, UNDERSTAND?! I'M HERE TO PROTECT YOU, SO DON'T DO STUPID S*** LIKE THAT!" Akina buzzed around Mashiro, checking to see if she was okay.
"WHY, DID IT HURT?!"
"...No..." Kensei face-palmed and Mashiro saw a small trail of blood from his left nostril and blushed deeply, slamming her feet and fists on the icy ground.
"KENSEI YOU STUPID MEANIE PERVERT!" She shrieked at him, as loudly as she could. She couldn't believe this. Why was she always stuck with meanie faced perverts? It just wasn't fair!
o0o
Kensei sagged onto the couch, exhausted and pissed off. The green-haired, bug-eyed b**** had finally fallen the f*** asleep. He placed a hand on the rapidly bruising bite marks that decorated his neck. Man, that turned me on...D*** woman. And people wonder why I don't date... Why did it have to be on his f****** neck of all places? Anywhere else would've been perfectly fine. And she calls me a pervert.
Kensei layed back on the couch, sighing and walking back in his room to get his roll-up bed out of the closet, fixing it beside his bed where the sleeping Mashiro lay hugging her giant bee thing like a teddy bear. Not only is she an idiot, but she's also a f****** freak...
Kensei plopped down on his bed, hearing it creak for a split second before the flimsy piece of s*** completely collapsed with a thud under him. He grunted as he hit the ground along with the thin mattress.
This is gonna' be a long assignment...
A/N: No, this does not take place in Japan. It's just a random alternate world that's a bit more violent than ours, though really similar. Anyway, yes, I am still working on my other story, just taking a breather and coaxing another inspiration pixie lol.