A/N: I'd like to thank my amazing beta, melanieacbaer. Melanie, you rock my world. :D
This story is set after episode 8 of season 2. I was really moved to tears at the end of the episode. Poor Blair and Chuck. And I'm about to make them suffer more, well, one of them. Chuck/Blair.
Please R&R so I'll be motivated to continue this. :D This chapter will be short, just so I can find out if I should continue this or not. So if you end up liking what you'll be reading, review! :D
This chapter is best read while listening to Dark on Fire and Sea out.
Helicase
By: Cha-11 now under Erise
Chapter I
Paris, a violent unwinding
"Passion makes a person stop eating, sleeping, working, feeling at peace. A lot of people are frightened because, when it appears, it demolishes all the old things it finds in its path."
-Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes
&&&
Dressed in a little white baby doll Versace dress that ended halfway up her thigh, her feet enclosed in gold Chloe pumps and her signature headband, the same shade as her shoes. She stood in front of a mirror, a vacant expression on her pretty face, but the tears that slid down her cheeks destroyed her facade. Every breath of air she took was making the pain more and more vivid. Everything was suffocating.
Everything she cherished…and loved…was slowly becoming harder and harder for her to grasp.
Everything was always fleeting in her life and the talk she had had with Chuck only emphasized it more.
Am I really that horrible? That this game we have is the only way for us to last?
Of course. You could've been a better version of yourself, but you chose this.
Her reflection mutely answered. She choked back a sob and closed her eyes. It hurt. All of it hurt - the memories, the scents, the pictures, her movements, the noises, the sound of her breathing, everything was hurting her. Right now she was thinking, searching for any memory that was as painful as the one she was experiencing right now, but she couldn't remember ever being this devastated. Not even the time he didn't come to Tuscany, or at the white party, when he couldn't say those three words. It had never hurt this much.
Crystal teardrops fell from her face and onto her hands in her lap.
Don't I deserve love, even in the slightest?
As long as you're Blair Waldorf, you will never have your fairytale ending.
She'd never admit it, but it was true and she knew it. Even before this Chuck thing, even before Nate, she had always known. Maybe that was why she had been the way she was before. She bitterly recalled the years, when she was always aiming to be the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect girlfriend, but inside, she had always known that she wasn't even close. She was so feeble and so incompetent at having any relationship. She was the worst lover and the worst friend anyone could possibly have.
"Miss Blair, everything is ready."
Sometimes, Blair thought that Dorota was one of the luckiest people alive. She had a simple life and she seemed content. Very few people ever experience that feeling in the entirety of their lives: Contentment.
Dorota pushed the door open and Blair slowly wiped the tears off her face with a tissue. She breathed in, and then smiled. It was forced and sad, but a smile nonetheless.
"Are you alright, Miss Blair?"
There was concern in her voice as she approached the teary eyed teenager.
"I will be."
Blair reached for a piece of paper on her table and handed it to Dorota. She stared at it for a long time before she let go of it and grabbed her Gucci purse. Her back faced Dorota but it was still very visible that she was having second thoughts, still deciding whether she'd go through with it or not. She gripped her purse and turned her head sideways, this was it.
"If Chuck…"
Her voice caught in her throat. She swallowed the lump that was forming and exhaled.
"If Chuck ever comes here, give this to him. If not, then… nothing."
She had made a choice. A lonely smile etched itself on her face. She placed a hand on Dorota's shoulder.
"Good bye, Dorota."
Dorota opened her mouth to say something but hesitated and closed it, giving Blair a small smile.
"Good bye, Miss Blair."
Blair turned around and headed for the door, pausing briefly to put her cellphone on the table. She stared at the picture of herself and her best friend on the screen. Even though they fought every now and then, she was definitely going to miss her. She took one last look around her room and whispered.
"Good bye, Blair."
Then she left.
&&&
A week later, a letter with no return address was sent to a certain blonde.
S,
You've probably noticed that I haven't been attending school the entire week. It's not because I'm sick, like Dorota has told you, it's because I've been gone for a while. I've taken leave from school. I'm not in Manhattan anymore. I'm sorry you had to find out like this, I couldn't tell you in person or else you would've convinced me to stay. I just can't be there anymore. Please believe me when I say that have to do this. I have to get away.
Things have gotten unbearably painful and I don't know what else to do. So I'm going to take my time and figure things out. This will take a long time but don't worry, I'm fine.
I'm really sorry, S. Please understand. I can't keep playing anymore.
I know I'll never win
Serena, take care of yourself while I'm away. I'll come back when I'm better. I promise. I love you.
xoxo, B.
&&&
High heeled Prada boots stomped noisily in the Van der Woodsen-Bass household and a very sombre looking Serena barged into Chuck's room and faced him with a glare as he sat on a chair, sipping his usual scotch, contemplating the view from his window.
"I hope you're happy, Chuck."
Her voice was hard and sharp; the brunette lifted his gaze to look up at her, his eyes narrowed and confused. He was just about to speak when Serena continued.
"Because of your games, your schemes, your -your everything! You finally chased off the one person that saw something real in you. You really lost your chance this time."
Chuck stiffened, he couldn't breathe. Those brown eyes of his looked away and settled on the scenery outside their home. He had an indifferent expression, but he couldn't keep his insides from churning, nor his heart from racing, and God, was it infuriatingly unbearable. Only thoughts of her could make him lose control over his own body. In one swift movement, he emptied his glass in a second, and without looking up, asked.
"Where is she?"
Serena crossed her arms and looked outside as well. She sighed and sat on a chair opposite him, a small piece of paper in her hands.
"No one knows. Not even Gossip Girl."
Chuck clenched and unclenched his jaw. The words he was hearing were insane. It was impossible. She couldn't be missing.
"Are you sure? Have you asked Eleanor-"
"She told Eleanor she was going to see Harold, but she never arrived at their house in France. The pilot said she took off with a female friend after they arrived, and left most of her luggage. "
There was venom in her voice. Clearly, she was furious and the only thing holding her back from physically hurting him was her sense, and that was slowly fading. If he didn't say nor do anything that would calm her down in the next minute that showed her that he was remorseful or at least guilty, she was going to seriously hurt him. She watched him purse his lips tightly and close his eyes.
"She's probably going to send for them-"
"This is not a joke, Chuck."
Her voice snapped and then calmed down as she finished speaking his name. For a brief moment, he looked like he was in pain before a stoic expression quickly replaced it. She shook her head and looked down at the letter in her hands, reading it over and over again. She couldn't just blame Chuck, she also had herself to blame for Blair's actions. She had been first to leave when things were getting hard, and only now did she really know how hard it must have been for Blair when she left. This time, she was the one that was left behind and no matter what she said right now, Blair would never know.
I'm so sorry, B. I should have known.
Serena was barely stifling herself from crying, while Chuck on the other hand still appeared impassive. If only Serena could read his mind and feel him, inside he was on fire, every inch of him was screaming in agony. This was his fault, and no one else, he knew that and that fact only added fuel to the fire. He felt like throwing up and his stomach felt tight. He was going to be sick.
A few moments of silence passed before Serena regained composure and spoke.
"Chuck, I have a bad feeling about this."
He opened his eyes, looked at her and immediately noticed the ivory white letter in Serena's hands. Hope dimly lit up his eyes. She saw him staring, so she stood up and gave it to him. He tried to restrain his hand, but it trembled as he took it from her. Serena saw that but said nothing. A minute or two passed then he handed it back to her. His face was rigid and the light in his eyes was gone.
"What are you going to do?"
Her voice was hopeful, but his wasn't.
"It says she's coming back sometime."
His voice was thick and heavy, but there were no other signs of him tearing up anytime soon. She knew though it was hurting him - he couldn't fool anyone right now, not even himself. She could practically feel his pain. It was so acute it was almost tangible. Her stomach did flip-flops, and it wasn't just because for once Chuck Bass was in turmoil. It was because she had this eerie, dreadful feeling that Blair wouldn't be able to keep her promise. Serena sat to calm herself down.
"Chuck, I really have a bad feeling."
There was something wretched in the pit of her chest that made her anxious and unsettled. He looked up and met her gaze. Her eyes widened when she saw his eyes mirroring the same apprehension as hers. He felt it too. This was scary.
"Oh God, Chuck, don't tell me you…"
The question in her voice disappeared when he looked away. She was sure.
"You feel it too."
The words that came out of her lips burned his heart and overwhelmed him. It wasn't just his imagination then, this indescribable fear building up from the tip of his toes that now filled his entire body, sending goose bumps all over his skin.
"She…"
He almost choked on his words, words that he started fearing the moment he saw her up on stage that night, the words that always scared him so bad he couldn't say them, hoping that they'd never come true. But the two of them knew right then and there, it was done. Serena's voice cracked.
"She's not coming back."
His face fell and so did his tears.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
A week ago, the day Blair mailed the letter to Serena.
"What are your plans today, Blair?"
A small high pitched female voice asked through the phone that she was holding. A strong gust of wind blew past her and made the skirt of her floral Chanel red and white dress flutter momentarily around her, making the child near her legs giggle as he continued to prod the heels of her red Sergio Rossi wedge shoes.
"I'm not sure, as of the moment, but I'll definitely see you tonight Gisele. I'm going to make sure of it."
The brunette smiled as she playfully swatted small boyish hands away.
"Fab, I can barely wait. I've missed you so much. I'm sorry I haven't been around much, but I'm almost done with work. Today's the last day. "
The sound of paper being crumpled and ripped could be heard from Gisele's line, and several voices in the background.
"I've missed you, as well. You have no reason to apologize. It's my fault for dropping in during your busiest week. I should have consulted you months ago. I can't thank you enough for letting me stay with you"
"No trouble at all, and don't think like that. Or else I'll take back the dress."
She saw Gisele in her mind with her hands on her waist and her lips in a sad, funny pout. Gisele was actually doing that right now, and they both laughed when she said it.
"The dress, Gisele, I love the dress, it's beautiful."
She absent-mindedly touched the front bodice and ran her hand down her side, straightening out invisible wrinkles.
"Oh no, It's my pleasure, dearest. That dress was made for you. I'll make it up to you tonight. Just make sure you reserve your energy. We have a lot of catching up to do."
"Of course. Good luck with the girls. I know you'll do wonderfully."
"Thank you. Oh dear, I'm sorry I have to go, they've arrived. Don't forget our date."
"I'll see you tonight then. Good bye."
Blair closed the cellphone and dropped it into her purse. The little boy stopped fidgeting and gazed up at her, squinting his emerald green eyes, a sweet wide smile ever present on his lips. Expecting.
Oh, Claude.
He was just the most amazing child she had ever seen. So obedient, smart, witty and well behaved. Blair had ever seen such a perfect bundle of sunshine as Claude. With his glistening ash blonde hair and glimmering green eyes, girls would surely be falling for him, especially when his angelic face would become more defined in the coming years.
If only he was older.
She thought and laughed, taking hold of his outstretched hand.
"Let's go."
Claude said in his small, cheery voice and they began walking. One would think that Blair loved children, but it would have been an extremely peculiar sight to see for someone who actually knew Blair Waldorf. No one would have ever imagined the following scenes:
Blair walking down the streets of Paris without any of her usual friends around, much less with a prepubescent child of 11.
Blair giggling like said child, as they played with a pale blue rubber ball.
"Claude, be careful!"
She yelled as the bouncing boy almost fell backwards, before steadying himself on a nearby post. He laughed as soon as he was upright and threw the ball at her. Blair managed to catch it before it hit her face. It was good there weren't many people today. They could be frivolous and silly in broad daylight. She laughed aloud. It had been a long time since she last felt this carefree and light. Oh, to be a child again seemed marvellous right now.
She was supposed to be in Lyon - that was what she told her mother but the truth was that she had intentionally lied to Eleanor so she could really get away from everyone back at Manhattan. This was what she needed to do accomplish her goal, to make herself a better person. She couldn't be a better 'Blair Waldorf' so she left her old self back home. She was determined to come back as a different person. Little, delightful, innocent Claude was helping her with that.
She had met him the day she arrived in Paris. The private plane had landed near Lyon. Gisele's assistant, raven-haired Franchess had picked her up. She had decided to leave all of her belongings, except her passport, wallet… and that. She was just going to send for her luggage later.
Once inside the car,Franchess handed her a brand new cellphone that only contained Gisele's number. Of course, she wasn't going to tempt herself by having hi-their numbers as well. Barely 20 minutes had passed when they arrived in front of Gisele's beautiful 4-story studio/house that looked like it belonged in a fairytale book. It looked like a mini castle, a modernized one. She smiled. She had always felt at home here.
They talked for a short time while she got herself settled. After making sure that she was going to be fine alone, Franchess bid her goodbye. It was a busy week for them so it was alright to be alone. Besides, she needed time to think.
Minutes passed and she became a bit lonely, so she walked out of the house a book in hand and sat on the nearest bench near the fountain. Gisele's house was just a short distance from the park so it was easy to find a perfect spot to read. After a few moments, she placed the book down and that was when Blair saw him. Claude, his then expressionless eyes staring at her, was standing just few feet across from her.
Odd was what appeared her mind when she saw him.
At first she found him scary, but he didn't seem dangerous or unstable, he just became an uncomfortable presence. Blair resumed reading. When she noticed that he was still staring, she became mildly annoyed. That is until he walked towards her and offered her a white rose. She was so surprised, she was speechless. What he had done was utterly unexpected, even if he had been holding it from the very beginning. She had never thought that a stranger, a strange stranger, would ever give her a flower. Sure, men leered at her, offered her drinks but never a flower. Well, there was that one time… he was holding a bouquet of yellow something, but that wasn't counted, and neither were Nate's. They were certainly not strangers. Up until then, she had never thought that children could be so sweet. This boy changed her mind completely. Kids weren't so bad after all.
He introduced himself and Blair found out that Claude was Gisele's neighbour and that his parents were going to be gone for two weeks. He only had the servants in their house to play with, but they were grumpy and old. He was too bored staying inside so he always went to the park and observed the people walking by. Claude told her that she had caught his attention because she looked like a princess to him, and a sad one at that. That's when he decided he would keep her company until she was a happy, just like a real princess should be. This flattered her and completely melted her irritation. He seemed like a good kid so she gave him her permission. Besides, she had no one else to hang out with since Gisele would be at work until next week, and the boy seemed just as lonely as her. This was her chance to not be herself and she was glad she took it. It was the start.
Blair's world from then on was filled with Claude's ideas, beliefs and optimism. He became a part of her everyday, especially since Gisele was working almost all the time. She only came home to sleep and bathe, which only consisted about three to four hours so even if Blair did see her, Gisele was usually just a blur.
Unlike Claude who shone as bright as the sun in the morning and gleamed just like the moon at night.
Claude had even helped her with her letter. He was even the one who suggested that if she still wasn't ready to be found, she could tell the people at the post office when the letter should arrive to its recipient. The boy was brilliant, and it didn't hurt that it also lengthened the time she'd be able to spend with him, and that was great for the two of them. Being with Blair made Claude euphoric, and being with Claude slowly brought out the child in Blair. She was beginning to lose the cold glint in her eyes that she had developed over the years, those dark russet orbs began glowing again, her smiles weren't phony anymore, and became more and more genuine.
It was extraordinary how this child had so much goodness to give.
He had proposed to be her prince, and it was evident that he serious, but her heart was still full of… Manhattan so she refused. Being the gentleman that he was, he only nodded and said that he'd wait for the time when she would allow him to be her prince. It was the sweetest, most sincere gesture ever.
She wanted to say yes, but something wasn't quite right. Even if there wasn't anything she could think of to dislike about him. It almost seemed too good to be true, so she began doubting him. Until one day, while Claude was fetching one of his model planes, she was sitting on his bed when suddenly something drew her attention to the antique box on the floor next to her. It had always been there and she had never had the urge to look inside, because whatever was in it was private. Well, it had to be.
The box was breathtakingly beautiful.
It was made out of ivory, with intricately hand carved designs and precious stones embedded on it. The top of the box could be slid open and it was as heavy as a marble statue. By the way Claude always looked at it, she was certain it was private, but she couldn't help herself that day and she slowly opened it halfway. Inside were dozens, but considering the width, maybe even hundreds of letters, postcards, greeting cards, possibly all kinds of cards. She took the one on top of the heap. It was dated over a half a month ago, just before she had arrived.
Dearest Claude,
We're sorry but we won't be back until the end of the month. This time we'll come home for sure.
Love,
Mama and Papa
She picked up another one. This one had a picture of a Christmas tree.
Dearest Claude,
Darling, please bear with us, for we too are in pain. Your father cannot cancel his trip with the investors-
She stopped reading. Even without reading all of them, she had a pretty accurate guess that all of them contained the same thing. Now she knew why he had so much goodness to give, and her doubt left her completely. The moment Claude came back, a radiant smile on his face, she became his princess and he her prince. From then on, she agreed to play games and slowly started laughing with all her heart, letting the rust fall off and beat happily once again. Just like today.
"Blair, watch out!"
Claude yelled as the ball soared pass her and landed a few metres behind her. She looked at him and sighed playfully, placing both of her hands at her waist.
"You should have told me we were going to play this game. I would have worn something different."
The little angel just ginned at her and shook his head.
"I like what you're wearing, your dress and shoes are already pretty enough."
She smiled and murmured to herself.
"Just 11 and such a charmer already. He almost reminds…"
Her voice trailed off as she just stood there, thinking, fighting off unwanted memories. It had been almost a week since the last time her mind was filled with thoughts of… him. Her chest felt heavy and her eyes began welling up. Claude immediately took notice and shouted.
"I'm hungry."
His face looked sad and frightened. He disliked it whenever she looked like this, so she wiped the trace of tears from her face and smiled to reassure him.
"You go on ahead. I'll get the ball first."
The blonde hesitated but Blair motioned for him to go, a pleading look on her face and he reluctantly walked away turning at the corner.
She turned around, and calmly started walking towards the ball. Suddenly, just as she was about to pick it up, two motorcycles appeared, both riders wearing caps and sunglasses. She stiffened, standing still in the middle of the street. Her eyes quickly scanned the area, and her eyes widened at the realization: she was alone. They had taken a different and less used route today and she mentally slapped herself. Her blood ran cold. They were both heading towards her. She held onto her purse tighter around her shoulder, and before she could even run, the first one grabbed her bag. She screamed as her foot snapped, and as she struggled with the pain that overwhelmed her, the motorcycle dragged her backwards, her butt and legs roughly scrapping the ground. She could feel her legs bleeding and she was sure that she had broken her ankle, but still she didn't let go, she couldn't.
"No!"
She screamed with all her might.
Not yet! I'm still not ready to give this up!
She would have given them the money and everything else inside her bag except that, not yet. Then in a blink of an eye, the second motorcycle came at her, rammed its side at her, and then…
Whoever it was that said that their lives would flash before their eyes before they died was clearly lying, because she was sure that she was going to die right then and there. The last thing she saw was the bright sky as her head snapped back and fell. The last thing she heard was a woman scream. Only then did everything turn black.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
"How is she?"
"She's doing great. The swelling has subsided…."
Two hazy voices trailed off somewhere in the back of her head. Her head hurt and she felt limp, and there was a throbbing ache somewhere on her body. A few moments passed and her eyes fluttered opened, revealing two glazed auburn eyes. She blinked a couple of times before they finally focused and saw the backs of two people, both of them brunettes. The one on the right was a tall, shapely pale-skinned woman that had her hair in a hurried bun, and on the left, a tall, well toned, tanned man. In front of them was a man dressed in white. The couple, she assumed they were together because of the way they were standing next to each other, looked worried. Wait, none of them looked familiar, who were these people and where was she?
"Excuse me."
She asked in a raspy voice. All three of them looked at her, relief washing over their faces. Tears glittered down the pretty woman's face as she practically ran to the injured teen's side.
"You're awake, thank God. Marius, she's awake!"
The woman reached over and embraced her, just a soft one as not to hurt her, but it was heartfelt. She let her, she didn't know why, but it felt good to be held like this. Was this person, her relative?
"Mom?"
The words slowly escaped her lips. At this the woman slowly released her. She then looked at her, a mix of joy and sadness evident on her face. Did she say something wrong? The man, the one she called Marius looked at the man in white, the short, blonde man then asked.
"What's your name, dear?"
She opened her mouth, but nothing came out so she closed it and tried again.
"I…"
She began, and all of them anticipated her answer. She searched her mind, and gave them the only answer she found.
"I… don't know."
Well, how was it? Don't worry, no one died. How can I have a story if Blair's dead at the very beginning?
Review, please, and let me know what you think. :D