Chapter 1

They are the reasons I'm haunted at night. They are the reasons I sometimes lose my grip on reality. They are the reasons I wake up gasping for air at night. Nightmares. They are a constant reminder of the many ways I've failed everyone I once loved. Ever since my father died, they've become a sort of routine in my life now. Something tells they will never really go away.

My latest nightmare revolves around Prim and my useless attempt of saving her. In my nightmare, I keep trying to reach her and I almost do… but the rest of the parachutes explode. I wake up so suddenly, my head feels dizzy and I have to wait for it to go away. I once realize I'm all sweaty and my body feels exhausted even though I was just sleeping. I seem to notice the hollowness in my chest where once, there was a beating heart. For the first time since I returned to District 12, I take notice of my surroundings. I see that I'm in the living room of my house in Victors Village, in the same outfit I left the Capitol with. I realize I should probably be doing something to get better, but then again, nothing makes sense anymore. Nothing is worth living anymore. Prim was my whole world. I tried to protect her, I volunteered for her in the Games and that still wasn't enough. She is long gone now and I know I will never see her smile again, or her beautiful blond her. The war took everything away from me, there's no longer anything the world could offer me. My eyes prick as if they are going to cry, but to my surprise, no tears are shed. My eyes can't produce anymore tears now; I've already suffered a lifetime.

As I lay there resting in my couch, my thoughts somehow drift off to Peeta. I can't seem to forget the last time I saw him, when he purposely took the nightlock pill away from him. I remember his beautiful blue eyes, the way they held my gaze and told me he couldn't let go of me. I wonder where he is now. Deep in my heart I know I will never see him again. District 12 has nothing to offer him; he has nothing to come back to. The tracker jacker venom will always haunt him. I will always be a trigger to him. Perhaps he realized I wasn't worth it and stopped loving me. The thought of Peeta not loving me, makes me choke and suddenly I have difficult time breathing. I miss him. I miss his warmth beside me. I miss his arms around me, the same arms that made me feel safe in a dangerous world. I remember Haymitch once telling me "You could live a thousand lifetimes and not deserve him." He was right, I already have lived a thousand lifetimes and I still don't deserve him. I wish I could see Peeta again, to know that he is ok, that someplace, somewhere, he is happy and well. I would tell him I'm sorry for everything, and that he saved me in all the possible ways a person can be saved.

I'm so absorbed in my thoughts; I don't realize Greasy Sae has made her way into my kitchen. I see her assemble the ingredients to what I guess my dinner is going to be. I know I should probably help her, but my body refuses to move. I wordlessly watch her make my dinner and I can't help to wonder how it should be my mother, not Greasy Sae the one that should be making dinner. My mother refused to come back to District 12, too much memories and pain surrounding this place. I don't blame her; if I could I would escape this place and never come back. That's when I realize Greasy Sae is calling my name; I decide to focus on what she is saying:

-"Katniss, dinner is ready and served. Come to eat while it still hot."

My body still refuses to move and I just sit there staring at Greasy Sae and see myself reflected in her seam eyes and see the person I've become. The girl in the reflection no longer has fire in her eyes, no longer a glow that once inspired a whole nation to rebel, instead I see a girl with no life left in her. I see a corpse. I cringe and a concerned look crosses Greasy Sae's face.

-"You ok girl? You seem more pale than usual. C'mon lets get some food in your system."

I let her carry me like a little kid and she sets me at the dinner table and slowly coaxes some food into me. I can only make it to half of the meal before the sick knotting in my stomach threatens to make my dinner come back up. Greasy Sae soon realizes that I can't eat anymore and decides to clean the kitchen. I go back to sitting in the couch and simply stare at the fire in the hearth. Will I ever feel fire inside of me? Will my heart ever feel emotion again? I listen the front door opening, I turn around to see Greasy Sae stepping out into the cool night air.

–"Goodbye girl, see you tomorrow morning." Not trusting my voice, I simply nod.

This is the worst part of my days, nighttime. I know my nightmares will be here soon and I dread to see who is next in my long list: Peeta, Prim, Finnick, my Father…they are too many I've lost count. I feel my eyelids already starting to slip away and I'm silently hoping there are no nightmares. Surely, soon enough I find myself screaming at the top of my lungs, my face feels flushed and hot and I'm pretty sure I've been crying. Tonight it was Finnick and I saw him getting ripped into pieces by Snow mutts. I couldn't save him either. I couldn't save anyone. I decide to lie down again and realize there's no way I will ever be able to fall asleep again. I just lie there watching nighttime turn into daytime. This is another day I have to survive and I have no idea how to do that. I see the first rays of sunlight reaching my windows and I can't help to think about Peeta again. I miss his laugh, his smile…his inner goodness. Then, as if on cue, I'm reminded that Peeta is gone too…forever. That's when I hear it for the first time, a sound that seems out of place in the stillness of Victors Village. I'm soon paralyzed with fear, could Snow be back to finish me off? I decide to focus again in the sound. It sounds vaguely familiar; it almost seems like shovels scraping dirt. Summoning all the courage left in me, I decide to walk to the door to find out the source of the sound. Taking a deep breath, I brace myself and open the door. At first, I have a hard time adjusting to the light, too many days indoor I guess.

After a second or two, I see him. Peeta. He is back.