"Jeez, you were gone awhile," Dean said as Cas entered the stale, dimly-lit bar. "Find anything out?" The bar was almost empty, save one other man at the other end, which allowed Dean and Cas to talk freely. Dean had already been drinking for about a half an hour, which displeased Cas, but was nothing out of the ordinary.
"Nothing," Cas replied. "There were a few who might be interested in him," Cas said, gesturing towards the man at the other end of the bar. "But they said something like, 'why would I wait for some washed-up loser when I have this right in front of me?'", Cas said with a creased brow, shifting his eyes to the side of the room. He clearly did not understand what the women meant by 'this'.
"Aww, Cas, they think you're cute," Dean teased as Cas slid onto the stool next to him. Dean saw this teasing was not well-received (or even received at all as Cas's expression was unchanged by Dean's comment) by Cas. Dean cleared his throat. "At any rate, we need to find out who's this guy's next fun-buddy is to get that Cupid's Bow."
Cas nodded and shifted in the stool thinking about how their victory might feel, how it might feel to leave Earth forever. He never would have imagined that after all this time, since before he saw that small fish climb up on that shoreline, that he would be closing the doors forever. Especially now, with Dean…
"Cas, what's wrong?" Cas hadn't noticed that his face had twisted into an expression of concentration and sadness, but Dean had. Cas shifted again, denying Dean the eye contact he was seeking, even though he could feel the burn of Dean's stare on his face. Seeing Cas was not going to falter, Dean admitted, "I'm gonna miss ya, buddy," as he clasped a hand on Cas's shoulder. Cas let a visible wince out at Dean's words. They made Cas realize how much he didn't want to leave Dean.
Dean let his hand fall off Cas's shoulder as he turned to face the shelves behind the bar. He sighed lightly before taking finishing off his glass and replacing it on its napkin on the bar. "Cas?.." Dean began.
"Yes, Dean?" Cas returned, a little hope in his voice. Dean turned to look at Cas, believing it might help the situation.
"Would it be possible…could you…after you close Heaven, I mean.." Dean trailed off nervously. It wasn't like Dean to be nervous, but this was a delicate matter, even with Cas, who was usually so blunt.
"No, Dean," Cas answered, Dean turning toward him. "I have to be inside Heaven to seal it, and there is no way to get out after that." Dean was visibly let-down. "I'm sorry, Dean," Cas said. It wasn't very often Cas said he was sorry, especially to Dean. They were past such things, and especially after everything with Crowley.
Dean turned away from Cas, trying to hide the sadness in his face as he pushed the empty glass farther away from him. He tried to remove all signs of discontent from his body: he unclenched his muscles, released his held breath, cleared his throat, and straightened up his face and posture.
"Dean-" Cas began.
"Why do we have to do this, Cas?" Dean asked, tilting his head in Cas's direction. The odd question surprised Cas, because he knew Dean was the kind of person to sacrifice what he wanted and loved for the greater good. Cas thought Dean would do this because he knew it needed to be done, whether or not he wanted it done. But this question seemed more to be selfish than Dean had ever shown himself to be in his actions.
"You know why," Cas answered firmly, but with a touch of sensitiveness in his voice. It was hard for him to even get the words out, for he had to say them to Dean and himself. He now had to convince Dean they had to do something neither of them wanted to do. "There are just as many bad and dangerous things in Heaven as there are in Hell or Purgatory, probably even more."
"Yeah, but, Cas…you'll be stuck up there, forever," Dean mumbled, looking down at the nicked-up, worn bar, finally looking at Cas when he spoke the last word.
"It has to be-"
"But…I don't want you to go…" Dean confessed, ignoring Cas's broken thought. Dean surprised both Cas and himself with this confession. He was never one to show what he wanted (or did not want in this case). Since they were kids, Dean kept his emotions bottled up and away from Sam to protect him. Dean tried not to talk about his feelings surrounding John with Sam because he didn't want to taint Sam's view of their father. Just because Dean thought John was a shitty father, he didn't want Sam to think so too when they were still so young.
Cas reluctantly looked up to meet Dean's eyes. He knew he would see the sadness and distraught in them, but he could avoid Dean's gaze no longer. He let out a small, breathy sigh when he saw the glassiness of them. Cas started to say something that began with "Dean…", but he forgot what it was when Dean spoke up again.
"Cas, you're my family…more than that. And you know I wanna put those sons of bitches away forever," Dean told. "But I can't sacrifice you to do it. We need you, Sam and me. I need you."
"Dean…" Cas began, holding Dean's stare for a moment, looking for the right words until Dean looked away. Cas saw that Dean was disappointed, but was also not willing to give up so soon.
"There must be something else you can do, Cas," Dean pleaded, looking back towards Cas, but staring at Cas's hands, slightly wringing over a knot in the wood of the bar. He wore a pained expression on his face, which Cas could hardly handle. Dean knew his attempt to sway Cas was feeble, but it was all he had. All he could hope for.
Cas let out a heavy breath, looking away from Dean. "The only other thing I could do would be to kill every twisted, corrupted angel. And I fear that would result in genocide," he answered.
Dean had no idea what to say or do with himself at that moment. A part of him wanted to leave and go for a nice, long drive. But another part of him wanted to just hold on to Cas and never let him go, because he was so afraid of losing him, and the reality without him was drawing closer very quickly. Before this rational side kicked in though, Dean was off, out the door and striding to the Impala. He stopped halfway to the car and looked back through the bar windows. Cas was gone. Dean turned back toward his baby, and to his relief, saw his angel inside. He let out the breath held tight in his chest and got into the driver's seat of the Impala.
"Hello, Dean," Cas said in the usual tone. In fact, it was so ordinary and familiar, Dean let out a breathy chuckle at it. But that chuckle was soon replaced with a somber face as Dean remembered he would soon hear that no more. Never again.
Normally Dean would put the radio on quietly in the background to relax, but he was enjoying just Cas. Dean listened to their slow, even breathing, and the crickets outside chirping in the grasses behind the bar. Cas never seemed more human to Dean, just sitting there quietly, breathing calmly next to him. Dean wanted to say something to Cas, not to break the silence he was so enjoying, but because he just wanted to hear Cas's voice.
"Cas?..." Dean started.
Cas didn't say anything. He didn't shift his gaze or turn his head in the slightest toward Dean. In response, the angel reached over and took Dean's hand in his own. Dean was shocked at this sign of affection from Cas. You were usually lucky if you got him to understand how to appropriately respond verbally to a conversation, let alone, well, like this. Dean felt one side of his mouth turn up with his blushed cheeks and his hand squeeze Cas's in reply. If it hadn't been for the conversation that preceded this moment, Dean wouldn't have a care in the world. Dean felt his stomach flutter as Cas smoothed the pad of his own thumb over the base of Dean's. It was unlike Dean to be so nervous, but, then again, Cas was unlike anyone he had ever met.
Dean looked over at Cas, who had a tiny, satisfied smirk on his face. You son of a bitch, Dean thought. He decided he would play the little game Cas set up for him, and brought their clasped hands up to his mouth, closed his eyes, and gently kissed Cas's knuckles. At this, Cas finally looked over at Dean with an innocence Dean had never seen before. He saw Cas wanted to stay there as long as he could. Cas would stay with Dean in the front seat of the Impala under the overcast night sky forever if he were able to. Sure it wasn't a beautiful moon-lit night, or someplace completely private, or even entirely warm in the car, but Dean was there. And that was all Cas could ever ask for.
"Please.." Dean begged, turning toward Cas and looking deep into his angel's dark blue eyes with a pleading look. Just this word crushed Cas, let alone the look Dean was giving him. He knew Dean never begs, for anything. "Please, Cas…don't leave. I've lost too many friends, and I can't lose you, the most important of all of them…" Dean felt himself go slack, as the weight of the words left him and held steady in the air. He felt Cas's free hand grab his left shoulder where he gripped him what felt like so long ago, straightening him up and steadying him. Dean allowed a weak smile on his lips as he pulled his own hand from Cas's grip and brought it up to stroke the side of Cas's face, feeling the stubble against his palm as he cupped Cas's jaw in his hand.
They sat there for a moment, staring into each other's eyes: both impossibly colored and bright even in the darkness of the Impala. Dean tipped his chin up a bit, trying to show what he wanted without making the first move. Cas's experiences with "the pizza man" were a godsend to Dean because Cas understood his cue right away. Cas let his hand fall from Dean's shoulders and pressed his lips gently to his hunter's. Dean felt his heart leap in his chest at the small touch of Cas's lips, and he leaned in, pressing his mouth harder against his angel's. Cas stayed still, moving only his mouth with Dean's. Dean moved his hand to fist the lapel of Cas's coat in an effort to pull him closer as they kissed, but Cas didn't know what to do with his hands. Sensing this, Dean let the coat go, and pulled Cas's hand up to meet his waist, and Cas lightly squeezed at the flesh there. Dean thought of how he never wanted to leave the car; in fact, he would gladly have this be a Mystery Spot sort of deal so he could wake up and do this all again day after day (as long as he didn't have to die of course). Dean didn't really want to pull away from the kiss, but he felt his mouth leave Cas's, and he rested his forehead against his angel's.
"Cas…" It seemed lately, Dean couldn't finish a thought around Cas to save his life.
"Yes, Dean?" Cas returned in a gentler, more hushed voice than usual, trying to catch Dean's eyes.
"Cas…you can't…I mean…not now..." Dean tried to get out. He moved his eyes up to meet Cas's once again, and saw the pain in them from his words. Dean hadn't meant to hurt his angel, but Cas wasn't hurt from the words themselves, he was hurt by the entire situation. "I'm sorry.." Dean responded to Cas's visible pain, looking away from Cas's stare.
"Dean…" Cas didn't know where he was going with that sentence. Perhaps he just wanted to say Dean's name while Dean could still hear him speaking it. He pulled Dean's head into his shoulder and held him as he felt Dean's hands on his back, grasping at the fabric of his coat. Dean buried his face in Cas's shoulder, trying to absorb all of Cas he could. He knew it was actually Jimmy's shoulder he was nestled in, but to Dean, Cas's vessel had always been as much Cas as his wings.
Cas looked out the front windshield of the Impala just in time to see the man who was at the opposite end of the bar leave with an equally bearded counterpart, the bar owner. Though he was not expecting such a turn of events, it made sense to Cas why he couldn't find the woman the Cupid was after. Because he was seeing the two men now that they obviously connected over something (probably beard grooming), Cas figured the Cupid would be gone by now. That, and the fact that he now was having doubts about following through with this plan. He didn't mention the sighting to Dean, but instead he leaned against the passenger side door, as he held his hunter tighter to his chest and listened as his breaths evened and slowed as he drifted into well-deserved and long overdue sleep. He wasn't sure what morning would bring, what decision they would come to, but for the first time in a long time, Castiel took time to relax and enjoy Dean's company. He wished it could be like this all the time, just him and his hunter.
Dean slept, comfortable on Cas's chest, and dreamed that everything was over: that he could live the normal, apple pie life, without having to worry about losing his angel.