(A/N: I am not sure where this came from. Perhaps the bits of Nietzsche I re-read a couple of weeks ago out of reminiscence and realised just how perfectly Akashi fits to it. Perhaps the various questions I got about shipping Akashi with someone and realised that I often regard him to be an aromantic individual and not necessarily prone to relationships. Perhaps the questions of just why we write so much of heterosexual relationships or homosexual ones but they are almost always heavily cis and thoroughly romantic, thus quite fitting to the norms of "love" that are prevalent.

I am not sure how but I got this idea of an aromantic Akashi who struggles over his obsession (perhaps over frustration) with Kuroko and a selfless Nijimura who unknowingly becomes part of the whole mess. I wanted to tell a story of a love that is not necessarily or fully romantic; being a grey-aromantic myself and a fan of queerness of love as much as of sexuality, I am incredibly fond of the idea...

Do let me know what you like and what you don't like and though this is not a commonly followed pairing, they somehow grew on me as I wrote this. It is a long ride and slow development ahead by the way, I almost finished the whole story already so the plot and ending are already defined. I hope you like it, even though it was more self-indulgent than anything I ever wrote.)

...

Eyes like eternally misty azure skies of a fantasy utopia, nonchalantly observing those around him, it was as though he has always been. A slight touch of elbows, for any outsider nothing significant to even realise, nothing significant to even attribute a hidden intent to, but Akashi knew. Akashi knew that it was not a random touch. The lightest shade of pink possible creeps onto his pale cheeks, no one realises, not even the very cause of the beautiful reaction. Perhaps Kise would, his observational skills regarding people's emotional states and social relations have always been spectacular, leading Akashi to believe that if he wanted, the blond could probably be a much better observer than Kuroko is. Kise is too busy about complaining his current choice of school though and bickering with Aomine about stealing his food.

Not that he is complaining about it, Akashi is more than happy to be the only one to realise. It is but a sad consolation.

"Akashi also entered to the University of Tokyo."

Eyes turn to him and he turns his gaze, it is a good thing that he never gets too occupied in thought or stare to the degree that he could be oblivious to his environment. He has already been listening in the background and is well aware of the topic.

"It is expected for Akashicchi though! I always knew he would go to the University of Tokyo. I wish Murasakicchi had also come to a university in Tokyo, then we would all be together again."

Aomine scoffed and Momoi giggled a little, everyone's reactions within the established boundaries of their characters, except Kuroko's,

"I actually had always thought Akashi-kun would prefer Kyōto University."

Puzzled looks galore and Akashi believes that these rare but surely present instances of surprise are what makes Kuroko alluring in his eyes at times. He gives a small smile that does not necessarily confirm or deny Kuroko's comment. He indeed would have preferred Kyōto University but in his life there is no place for secondary places, things, people... Everything has to be perfect and premier.

"Ah it must be great to be able to enter whichever school you want! I would have loved to enter Kurokocchi's school..."

It is a bit of a lie and everyone there knows it; if he put his mind to it, Kise is formidable and he could have made it there just as well. The departments he was interested in were not good for that particular university though.

"Well I am glad you haven't made it to our school," Kagami admits as he continues to stuff himself like the very embodiment of the sin of Gluttony, "it would have been annoying."

"You are so mean Kagamicchi. It would have been really nice... Well at least you two are going to be together. I didn't think you two would choose the same university."

It is a lie and everybody at the table is fully aware. Kagami shifts in his chair and tries to refocus on his food, perhaps he should not have attacked Kise like that, Kuroko comments to drive the awkwardness away,

"It is a miracle indeed. I never believed Kagami-kun could make it."

"Oi! I told you I would. Why wouldn't I? It just... took some studying."

"I cannot imagine you studying." Aomine scoffed.

"You have no right to talk about these matters now though, do you Aomine-kun?" Momoi says, the name uttered in a sarcastic sing-song voice and Aomine sighs dejectedly,

"Get off my case. I studied and you know it. And it is not like we have to spend all our education stuck together."

"It will be sad to see you separate... But ah, Aominecchi, if you ever feel lonely my school is quite close to yours, I could always come see you!"

"No, thanks."

"Aw why? Why are you all being so mean to me today?"

There is a reason why Kise comes to the rescue at the right moment and despite their words and behaviour Aomine is grateful and Kise is aware that he is grateful. It is not a secret to Kise or to Akashi or to Kuroko that Aomine could make it to the same university as Momoi if he had wanted. He had not. It was to give her some space of her own, to finally put an end to her endless coddling, more for her own good than Aomine's; frankly, Aomine does not mind Momoi's meddling so much and deep down he knows it helps him and he depends on her truly. But they are not children any longer, or teenagers full of angst. Momoi should start taking care of herself more than Aomine, should start thinking more about her own future and career than Aomine's... Perhaps even find a boyfriend; the idea is surely a little discomforting to Aomine who has always regarded her as a sister and he is known to be territorial about the smallest things, thus he is surely so for his dear sister. Still, he wants her to be happy. It is a token of gratitude and they both know it at some level, Kise does too, probably Kuroko as well. Akashi has always thought the quartet was cute like that. They understood each other and despite their apparent bluntness, they would rarely scream their true feelings at each other, instead instil them into stares and measured silences. Akashi has always liked these...

"But", Kise adds almost right away, the previous mock sadness completely absent in his tone, "you could help me find a place and I would forget all your malice."

Aomine scoffs, "No way."

"Jeez, Aominecchi, come on! Our schools are so close too, we could even rent a place together if you like? Wouldn't you like to leave your parents' home?"

"My mum would kill me. Plus, why pay so much money? You will rent a place in any case, I can just crash at your place regularly. So yeah, find a nice place, will ya?"

"You are such a jerk at times... But, Kagamicchi is not. Is he?"

A stellar wink finds its way to Kagami's face, currently in midst of being rubbed by a piece of paper tissue to remove the remnants of his great feast that was supposed to be simply a dinner.

"Sorry. No way."

"Come on! You live alone in a way. I will pay you. And I am a great roommate, very tidy."

Kagami is about to say something, likely about Kise's other aspects that make him an awful roommate, but before he is able to utter even a single meaningful syllable, Kuroko comments, obviously trying his best to sound as unperturbed as possible, though Akashi can clearly hear the minuscule vibrations of anxiety in his voice, he doubts anybody else can, perhaps only Kise,

"Sorry but I will be rooming with Kagami-kun. So it is not possible."

Kagami blinks a few times and decides to take a big gulp of his soda to calm himself down, if Kuroko's subtlety was well kept, Kagami's brashness is painfully obvious.

"And", he says after he swallows, "for the record, I would not want you as a roommate even if Kuroko had not decided to move in".

The question that hangs in the air is an obvious question and Akashi is one hundred percent sure he will not ask it, because he will not have to, Aomine will do it for him, he has always been like that, whether it is out of obliviousness or mischief not many can correctly guess, Akashi believes it is a mix of both actually.

"I understand pretty boy wants his own place because he is moving from Kanagawa but you? Don't you live in Tokyo anyway? Don't tell me you two are gonna bring over girls and shit, if so I want in."

Kise elbows Aomine with an irritated glare, sure he had wanted to ask the question too but knew that it would be improper, plus Aomine's way of putting things is much more improper. Kuroko gives an exasperated look at Aomine,

"My parents want to move outside the city but it would be too hard to commute for me every day and Kagami-kun was kind enough to offer me a place."

"Ah, I see..." Aomine says and it is obvious that he sees way more than what Kuroko has stated as his voice drips with insinuation. Normally, this is the point where Kagami loses it, Kise can see redhead's face becoming a shade akin to his hair, it is definitely time to change the subject.

"If Kagami is a no, how about you Akashicchi? Since you will be going to the University of Tokyo, I bet you are going to rent a place for yourself?"

Even though he knew the topic would come to him, it does not make the obligation to respond any more pleasing. Just how he had known Kuroko would move in with Kagami, yet it did not make it any less numbing to hear the actual news from Kuroko's mouth. If anything, Akashi would much prefer to leave this bunch of loveable idiots to themselves at this point, go to a fancy bar and not a mediocre diner like the one they are in, he could kill for a scotch at the right about now. He still smiles slightly and responds calmly,

"Yes, actually, my father has already rented. That was partly the reason why I came, I will settle in this week. I will have to decline your offer though, my father prefers me to live alone."

"Huh? Really? And mine has always begged me to find a roommate so that I am not alone..."

Kagami's comment is innocent and purely out of his own familial frustration and he is completely useless at reading the mood and the possible implications of the statement he just made. Oh and Kuroko dearly loves this big idiot. Those are the only reasons why Akashi does not stab Kagami's eyes out of his face with the fork on the table. The thought does entertain him a lot though.

Yes, his father prefers him to be alone. In this case, he is even thankful for that though, if his father had asked him to find a roommate, he would have to oblige and he truly would not prefer that. He likes solitude and the idea of sharing a place with another... Not even human but even a pet feels rather disturbing to him at this point. Perhaps one exception, his mind wanders, he would not find it so disturbing or displeasing if it was Kuroko... He stops his thought process before it can go any further with that idea.

Kise is adamant about righting everyone's awkward feelings and moods, so he jumps,

"Well too bad, I would have loved to room with Akashicchi. Do you need any help with moving? We could help you know!"

And Kise would. He would even insist and find a way to pull Aomine, Kuroko, and even Kagami into helping. He could even persuade Midorima who seems to be even more observant and silent today, due to irritation, though not at these particular friends, Akashi can predict, probably Takao did something. He has a pretty good idea what as well; such as not applying to the same university as Midorima.

Somehow the idea of knowing that they would be there for the most mundane reasons warms Akashi's chest a little, he had always been fond of the show of camaraderie even though he puts its functionality and productivity to a higher importance than the emotions it induces in one, willingly or unwillingly. Another tiny smile and calm comment,

"Thank you Ryōta. It is not needed, apartment is fully furnished. My clothing and some personal items will arrive tomorrow."

It is a little bitter knowing that he can move out of the house he was born in, he grew up in and spent his high school years habiting so easily. So few things he needs. He has seen others move, large trucks full of various items, from furnitures to old pieces of clothing, from hundreds of mementos to thousands of books. In his case, all he needed to 'move' did not require more than a pair of standard medium size luggages. It is pathetic in a way and this peculiarly disturbs Akashi; he prefers to interpret it as that he is not too attached to the material world and is modest, both are true actually, yet considering the filthy wealth he has been bestowed with since birth it still feels like a lie.

The night continues with Kise's lead, he skilfully jumps from one topic to another, Momoi agrees to help him with apartment hunting while he successfully manages to coerce not just Aomine but also Kagami to help him move. Akashi makes some small talk with Kuroko at one point about books, it is one of those rare subjects that Kagami had never been able to come between them, Midorima has though and that is precisely why Midorima's distant gaze and uncomfortable silence is even more obvious during that little chat. Akashi is anything but happy by the end of the night, he would much prefer to ride a cab home alone, go to the bed he will be sleeping in for the first time in his life and for the few next years of his life... alone. Sleep alone, wake up alone, have a delightful breakfast alone, have some good imported coffee that his housekeeper was already ordered to properly stock at the apartment. Then he would be able to disregard the night's affairs, the sour taste the news of Kuroko's move left in his mouth, and he would go on with his day.

But he cannot. If Reo was here, they would be quite angry, say something along the lines of "you never take care of yourself properly because you are so focused on taking care of others but Sei-chan, they don't even get it!"

And they don't. But it is fine. He thinks, it is fine, because infants and toddlers also do not get why their parents fuss over them so much, help them in sometimes subtle sometimes obvious manners, and are they ever grateful for that? Certainly not; considering the average adolescent behaviour, they are never grateful till it is too late in their lives. So for Akashi, it is like this, he is more like a parent to this unruly gang of children, he is more like a guardian, he is more like... These thoughts are supposed to help him but they do not, in his current context they actually put him in a tougher spot in regards to his subconscious pining for Kuroko. He swallows on nothing very silently and hidden, he has no time for comforting his own pathetic dissatisfaction, duty calls regardless.

"Shintarō, I will drop you home."

It is not a question or an offer and nobody mentions that Akashi himself did not drive here nor has brought his chauffeur with him. Though nobody knows where exactly Akashi's new apartment is located, it would be quite an odd chance that it is anywhere close to Midorima family's household. Nobody questions Akashi's statement, nevertheless. Midorima gives a glare to Akashi who is so completely tranquil that even Midorima calls it a defeat and stops with the glare, nodding his head in affirmation. No affirmation was needed, in all honesty.

The ride home is at first silent not because Akashi does not know how to open up the subject but precisely because he is not that much interested in the subject in the first place; again, he would truly rather be alone right now. But something in him always stops his own selfishness at moments like this. He is compelled, he is obliged to assist. Even though he is fully aware that the other does not appreciate his assistance. They never have... Or perhaps there was a time in which they did and then it was lost and now despite how hard each tries and how much better they become at being 'friends', it never works quite the same way. He sighs. There is no running away from this Akashi-sama, his inner thought mocks his very own ego...

"You have no right to be angry at Takao Kazunari."

"What?"

"Shintarō, you have sulked even more than your usual tonight and despite your poor social skills, you are too much of an addict to Kyougoku Natsuhiko's prose to not comment when it is being discussed."

Midorima shifts uncomfortably in his seat and continues to focus his gaze outside the car. Akashi sighs,

"Again, you have no right to be angry at Takao Kazunari."

"Why do you think it is about him?"

"Because it is obvious. Only I or Kazunari could ruffle your feathers like this and I am sure I have not."

Midorima sighs, he would very much like to argue against that but he knows it is an argument he would definitely lose, not just because it is against Akashi but because it is the truth and he is too tired to argue.

"He could have made it."

"Probably."

"He is smart."

"Not every smart person is able to make it to the University of Tokyo. Most fail actually."

"But he could. Yet he did not even try."

"And you are dissatisfied that he did not even try, which is perfectly normal. However that is not the real reason why you are so peculiarly depressed about this. Is it?"

Midorima closes his eyes, Akashi is the last person he wants to talk about this with but then Akashi is the only he could ever talk about this with. Fate is cruel at times, he tightens his grip on the small yellow rubber duck in his pocket; no amount of luck can counter Fate when she wants to be nasty.

Midorima does not need to say anything though. So Akashi continues, because exposing everything in all their details is often the only way to motivate Midorima to open up,

"You are bothered because the last three years have been the most joyful years of your life. You do not like to admit, you would take it as a secret to the grave, but Kazunari has become the centre of your life. You two have been like a pair of conjoined twins and the sudden distance his particular choice of university will introduce is scaring you. You are scaring of going back to your old dull life where you were all alone."

"I was not all alone."

"But you felt all alone, mostly."

"You are all alone."

"The difference is that, although you may look as if you prefer solitude, you actually do not. Especially not after Kazunari. In my case, yes, I am alone, but I prefer it. I prefer solitude."

"And there is absolutely nobody that would change your fondness of your own solitude?"

Midorima is fishing because he is being defensive. He actually has no idea about the things that go on inside Akashi, sure he is able to peer perhaps better than most, still not that deep. Akashi is happy for that. Furthermore he knows that even if Midorima peered so deep down the abyss inside Akashi, the abyss would gaze equivalently deep down to Midorima and he would be speechless than to try counter arguments as such.

"No, Midorima. No, there is not. I am content with that. You would not be. You are not me. You have never been like me."

The thought both comforts and discomforts Midorima because it is plural in meaning: yes, Midorima has never been Akashi and truly nobody in their right mind would want to be Akashi, even the redhead would agree with that conclusion. And yes, Midorima has never been Akashi, has never been like Akashi, in the sense that he has never been so strong, so satisfied in his own loneliness, so absolute, so victorious...

"You would not be happy if he attended the same university as you."

"Why?"

"Because he does not want to. You are well aware of that. It is unlikely that he could make it in the first place and it would disappoint both him and you greatly if he could not. Even if he somehow managed to make it in, it would not make him happy. Thus, it would not make you happy. And frankly, while your worrying is understandable given your lack of skills in human interaction, it is also truly unnecessary. You are Kazunari's centre of attention as he is yours and he is not the type of person to leave behind a dear friend he has been extremely fond of. You should know this more intimately than I do."

Midorima gasps then sighs, partly in horror, partly in fatigue, and partly in self-disgust. He should not need Akashi to tell him these things. He should have talked with Takao instead of rejecting his offers to go out celebrating his entrance to Faculty of Medicine in University of Tokyo and coming to a get together of the Teikou teammates.

The silence now is a different kind than the one before Akashi intuits, satisfied that his words got through, he adds one last comment,

"Please discuss this with Kazunari. You should talk to him about these kinds of things."

Perhaps to change the subject, perhaps because his irritation has grown enough to fully blossom, Midorima spats,

"Stop calling him 'Kazunari'. It is not like he is a close friend of yours."

Akashi has always gained a special kind of satisfaction vexing Midorima, he prefers not to do it always, he prefers to do it rarely and subtly because it is more enjoyable then, he smiles,

"I am sorry. I did not mean to make you jealous."

Midorima's cheeks flare in deep red, his lower lip trembles a little as he gasps horrified and distressed and manages to only say,

"S-shut up."

Akashi returns his gaze to outside, the small movement already seals that the conversation will be over after his next sentence regardless of that sentence's content, both of them know it. He says,

"It is unbecoming of you to be so rude."

Midorima huffs and puffs in anger and in silence rest of the way. He does not say "good night" to Akashi but Akashi tells him "good night" anyway. In the ride back to his new apartment, Akashi is in deep thoughts about his own abyss, his own insecurities, his own suspicions, his own solitude. Most assume simply because he has been impeccable and he has shown such a demeanour that he has no crumbling ruins of his own deep in his psyche. They should know better, he muses, his antics till just a few years ago were not any less stranger than Midorima's, if less lethargic than Aomine's or more hidden than Kise's. It is not that all his devils have left him yet either, Kuroko worked so hard to push them all away, he cannot bear to admit or show that they still come around occasionally and wreak havoc. Kuroko would be sad and angry and though he has loved watching both emotions cripple his dear ghost boy, he has never been able to bear to see it for a long time... It does not suit Kuroko.

Kuroko.

Kuroko, where his thoughts wander so much more often than before... If Reo was here, they would realise this, they are perhaps the only who realises this, and they would be angry.

"He is no good for you Sei-chan. He is cute and well intentioned, but his self-righteous acts bother me to be honest. You still hope that he can understand you, perhaps, but he does not. He will never."

Reo is also probably the only one who would dare talk as such about Akashi's dear friends, specifically Akashi's dear Kuroko like that. His wrath would be peculiar and his vengeance would be served cold yet certain and terrifying. The redhead is the only one with authority to criticise his former teammates as such. Reo is the exception though; he can forgive such transgression from his beautiful friend for they are one of the few people who actually try to understand Akashi and do not run away after failing, instead try harder; it seems even knowing the existence of Akashi's very own abyss or coming face to face with it countless times in the past do not scare Reo away, though they would prefer to not look into it, they would never even try, instead they would try to hold Akashi, probably, to not look at it either... Reo is sincere and kind with Akashi and sincere but eerily sarcastic with anybody else and Akashi values that because he himself is paradoxically both never and always sincere with everyone.

So he rides home alone, mind full of truly useless thoughts and decides that the moment he will leave the cab, he will stop thinking about such futile topics. That will be his concession: a cab ride for his soul to bicker. He does what he decides as he leaves the cab, his new apartment is silent and void of any human touch, feels more like a lab than a home and then Akashi muses, better a lab than a prison which is how at many times his own 'home' back in Kyōto felt like, despite its exquisite architecture and lavish furniture and breathtaking estate. His new bed is exactly as soft and comfortable as his back at home, and exactly as cold and lonely.

Thoughts and feelings slowly strip away from his body and mind, sleep takes over gracefully and he lets himself drift into it; a dreamless sleep like every night.

...

...

"You know I did not join the basketball team because it would be impossible to pass my courses if I did. I simply have no time. But Sei-chan is a genius, he could do both."

"Only that I am not interested in doing both."

"Why not? You are amazingly skilled at it. I heard your friends will continue to play in university too. And if you were, Tōdai would totally win the Nanadai-sen this year and show those guys in Osaka what you are made of."

"Basketball is only one of the many competitions at Nanadai-sen, I do not think winning or losing it would mean so much. Also, Reo, I had forgotten how to enjoy basketball a long time ago and I only recently started enjoying it a little again. I would like to indulge myself with it without institutionalising it."

Reo sighs, because there is frankly nothing they can say to change Akashi's mind, they have known it before they had started speaking too but they cannot help it. If Akashi joined, perhaps they would too, though they are not sure how they would be able to juggle all their courses with basketball and still manage to pass. Even entering had been so difficult. Most importantly, though, they do not push it further because hearing Akashi mention such a hurtful thing so nonchalantly has already made them feel angry at themselves and a self-blaming session has started somewhere in their mind. They should not have brought the subject up in the first place. They should not have made Akashi say it, for in their ears, what Akashi said was clearly this even if the words do not match literally: "I do not want to lose myself to myself."

"Ah fine... Better for me! Instead, we the Kyōdai will show both you and those guys in Osaka what we are made of!"

"Didn't you say you were not playing in the basketball team?"

"I am not. But maybe I'll join simply for Nanadai-sen. So that you can come watch my game; it is going to be held in Tokyo this year after all."

"You don't need an excuse to visit me Reo. I also think what you enjoy the most is playing with me, not against me. I am not sure if you would ever like playing against me or me watching you play with others."

"Oh, I am sure they would be thrilling. I get goosebumps thinking about it."

"You are quite bizarre at times."

Reo laughs, they are indeed bizarre at times but none is more bizarre than Akashi himself; that's what makes the redhead so charming and unique in their mind.

"So did you settle down yet Sei-chan? Do you need anything from Kyōto? Any local goods you'd like me to send?"

"Thank you but I am all right. I have everything I need."

"Which is probably not much. Really, why do you have to be so modest and minimalistic, all the time?"

"I do not think such a definition would fit me."

"Yeah probably rest of the planet would vehemently disagree with me but it is the truth isn't it? Argh, I should have come to Tokyo too, but I thought I could not do without Sei-chan for a year after I graduated so I stuck around and see now I will have to be away from Sei-chan for years. My stupid head! Are you feeling lonely?"

"You know I do not mind loneliness."

"You must be feeling lonely. We should totally get you a pet. Oh, how about a rabbit? Hm no, I think a bunny would not suit you. What about a cat?"

"A cat?"

"Yeah. It would be the best pet for you. A Siamese! Yes!"

"No, thanks."

"Come on. You will die out of loneliness."

"I think they say that for rabbits and not humans."

"But you do know if it is true for one species, it is the human species."

Akashi sighs,

"I am perfectly contented in my solitude. Perhaps for people suffering from major depression or so, I am not, by the way."

He has a specific tone that Reo has gotten used to over the years and whenever that specific tone is used, Reo knows to change the subject, regardless of the topic. It simply means Akashi will not talk further about it.

So Reo changes the topic and inquiries about when Akashi will return to Kyōto, Akashi mentions that he will have to drop by for a few days during Summer holidays, not for long though, it is already arranged that he is to attend an overseas retreat and trip arranged by one of their companies. The conversation moves along, Reo mentions this or that, always so talkative and Akashi does not mind so much; it has been a rehabilitating experience, he has come to think. Reo talks and he listens and he can even listen absent-mindedly, he would only do that with Reo because there is this trust between them and sure, perhaps it is thin but it is not nonexistent which is the case for almost everyone else.

The next week, he receives a small graceful maneki-neko, probably hand crafted. He also receives a batch of cookies alongside it. "Even if I cannot give you a real cat..." the little note in the box says and Akashi smiles, it is a small smile but it is genuine. The cat figurine is placed on the table in the middle of his large living room. His apartment is almost a studio, with only a single bedroom to spare. The main living and dining area is quite large yet equally empty: a low, wooden table with a simple but elegant design is placed in the middle with cushions placed around it, there is an L shaped low sofa with a simplistic modern design with the same textile as the cushions and it is situated at the other end of the spacious room, on the other end to the right from entrance hallway there is a partially-open kitchen area... His bathroom and bedroom are both large and just like his main living room and kitchen show a blending of the traditional with the modern in style. They are also similarly minimalistic in design. Akashi likes space and finds clutter aesthetically displeasing. Though graceful, the maneki-neko does seem a little odd in this atmosphere, nonetheless it does not disturb his sense of aesthetics; anybody else would thought it would...

Rest of his weekend goes relatively well and peaceful; he eats the last cookies left on Sunday evening alongside a cup of oolong tea, gazing upon the clear skies of April from the tall windows that start almost near the ceiling and end almost near the floor, he has opened them and is soothing himself to the delightfully humid air of April. It is not like the temperamental and occasionally truly chilly weather of March nor is it like the unbearably sticky humidity and scorching reality of June... April is nice, its humidity is nice, its equally cool and warm temperament is nice. A light rain starts, Akashi remembers how in certain cultures April's rain is sanctified. He can find a hundred different theories how that idea may have sprung in the human psyche, from evolutionary psychology to anthropology, instead he closes his eyes and lets the brazen but gentle breeze carry a few drops of the holy onto his face. He silently continues to drink his tea.

He really should not have savoured the peace then. Most humans forget, both at macro level of the international politics and micro level of the interpersonal politics, but once one gives into peace, the Fate will ensure to let war and destruction hurry your way. It comes in the form of an email, politely written and sent to almost a dozen people amongst whom Akashi is also present. It is an invitation. To Kagami's place. Or rather, "Kagami and Kuroko's place", he corrects himself internally, simply to inflict a wound at his own ego because he has always been not simply sadistic but sadomasochistic.

It is rather unexpected too, Kuroko is subtler about showing affection to friends and family and considering the current complicated state of their affairs, not so much as close as in the early past, not so much as distant as in the recent past, it is rather bold of Kuroko to do this. Kise would, surely, but it is not characteristic for Kuroko. Nor is it for Kagami who is still not so friendly towards most of them, despite the fact that he actually has many enthusiastic conversations about basketball with Aomine and Kise, always finds something to snicker about with Midorima... If one that is truly at odds from all others, one that Kagami has been the most distant and suspicious of and only very recently even started properly communicating with, it is Akashi. Kuroko on the other hand does not find it hard to speak with him, perhaps more than before. Perhaps this is why he received the invite? To be realistic, it is unlikely to be the case. The case is likely to have unfolded as such: Kise must have been trying hard to invite himself over, Momoi must have also mentioned it in a subtler way once or twice, so Kuroko and Kagami think it may be a good idea to kill two birds with one stone, or an obligatory three since if Kise and Momoi will come, it is simply impossible for Aomine not to come and then at this point Kise would interpret it as bigger get together, which would warrant Midorima and Akashi to be invited as well. Akashi is not sure whether Murasakibara is lucky or unlucky because he still resides far away from them and is nowhere near the vicinity of Tokyo to be invited to such gatherings. He decides at the end that it is lucky, rather than unlucky.

He would rather not go. It is not as if his presence will be sorely missed. Takao will also probably be there and he has never been subtle about hiding his contempt towards Akashi. It is interesting how he has stayed suspicious even after Kagami has loosened up, likely he is jealous. Not that Akashi would blame him; Midorima is special in that he does not let almost anyone into his space and life, Midorima is also special in that almost nobody wants to ever be let into his space and life. Akashi and Takao both prove to be exceptions and it must drive Takao further mad; what a terrible thing it must be, to be envious of Akashi even if a little... He is sure nobody could compete with him, it must be feeding Takao's insecurity exponentially. He respects Takao to be able to face him despite that, not many could even achieve that... Not just 'not many', probably simply 'nobody'.

The problem is, Akashi likes to be civil and it is very rude to reject an invitation, even if it is not a truly sincere one. And perhaps, it is that little sadomasochistic devil inside him that wants to go. Wants to go and see Kuroko, all domestic in a particularly silent and sarcastic manner, his otherwise stoic face donning a tiny smile as he watches Kagami cook, the small touches of elbows, of fingers, of feet, the silent knowing gazes and words transmitted across the room without any voice. Perfectly peaceful, perfectly normal, perfectly average, perfectly something he could provide as well... Or not. Not really, he could never be content with that nor that he has any chance at any normalcy, not with the chaos he hides under skin, and his incapability to return the feelings involved, and the already well-planned future his parents had laid down for him. The visit will be painful, like those rare instances when he indulgences in neglect play; painfully sweet. So when the night of the dinner comes, he buys a nice batch of desserts from his favourite patisserie in his new neighbourhood and take a cab to Kagami's place. He will forever decline to refer that place as 'Kuroko's' in his mind, a childish and wilful refusal he will allow himself, only internally.

The night passes as he had expected it to pass, nothing of a surprise there, his life or rather the life itself feels so bland when he is able to predict so well, his mind wanders off and he is a little chiding of himself; it is not that life itself is vapid per se, it is full of wonder and mystery, it is as chaotic as it is inside Akashi (which is normal for he is a living thing after all) yet instead of becoming a scientist and perhaps dedicating his whole life to the most complex equations and questions ever seen, calculating things he cannot so easily predict, discovering new phenomena he never thought were possible, he has chosen the much easier path of riches. Or rather, it was chosen for him and he cannot undo this (nor he realises, does he wish to, which feels like a betrayal of himself by himself). It is not that human behaviour is not complex; at times it is, so illogical and irrational too that no logical model could contain it, however it is easier at specific instances, given specific conditions, known specific variables of character and inclinations... Cut-throat world of business is not so cut-throat for Akashi; many people think it requires too much intellect or wisdom to master, it requires none, really. A good strategy and a good set of tactics is all it requires. Fortune helps as well. The system is structured with very specific rules, some more easily revealed, some less easily, the point is players are always confined to them, confined within the system; thus once you figure out the system, it is almost boring and very repetitive at times. He has already realised this and sure he will enjoy being the master and being absolute but he is already certain that it will not be satisfying enough for his great intellect.

Nor is this. For he can predict his friends so easily, their proximity and history help a lot as well as the simplicity of most of their lives... How wasted, he thinks at times, a mystery as great as 'life' on humans who use it in the shallowest ways possible, including his very own. So the night evolves as he had expected and he simultaneously tortures and entertains himself by observing those little bits of tenderness he had already predicted so realistically; it is another thing to see them play out though. It hurts even more. It pleases even more. He can feel in his stomach both the flutters of nonexistent butterflies and the tightening grip of despair. He loves paradoxes and paradoxical states of emotion, for he feels rather much like a paradox himself. All parts of his psyche agree on this.

He is polite throughout the night, he does not talk much, Takao is there too which is good because it means Midorima's little problem is resolved, this time when he opens the topic of the rumour of Kyougoku Natsuhiko's new novel, Midorima does comment. He is sated to have helped solve the issue, though he is sure no thanks will be given. He has never been thanked perhaps, truly, but then he can remember vague instances of Kuroko thanking him in the past, during their days in Teikou, and perhaps Kuroko had been the only one to truly thank him and perhaps that is one of the myriad other reasons why he has been so inexplicably interested in Kuroko.

Kagami's hand touches Kuroko's when they both reach for a snack, there is a split second where the otherwise tightly closed lips of Kuroko crack for about a millimetre, nobody else realises, not even Kagami. Akashi does.

The rest of the night he thinks about it; it is what Kuroko does instead of a smile at times, not that he never smiles, he smiles too, more often than before these days (and knowing that Kagami is the reason both entertains and pains Akashi), but there are those little moments when Kuroko will be content with a simple pleasure and he will hide his satisfaction to himself yet his lips will crack like that, for a millimetre or two or at most three... It is kind of like a hidden smile. Akashi both treasures it and abhors it.

The rest of the night that's all he thinks about, even at the ride back home. To the point that in the middle of his journey back home, he kindly asks his cab driver to deliver him to another place instead. The bar he is finally delivered to is one of his favourites in all Nichoume because it is very private. Akashi likes privacy. It is not hard to find a hunk; it is a Saturday night and Akashi has always been exquisite and alluring. He takes him to a love hotel that would rather count as a high-class place among the love hotels, again for privacy, for Akashi likes privacy. Not that there are no times he enjoys transgressing it boldly and beautifully, there are such times, even if rare, but not tonight. Tonight he wants to be sublimely pleasured and ripped apart. Humiliated. Dirtied.

Tonight after hours of silently observing his delightfully cheerful friends, after hours of silently observing the tender joy of Kuroko, he would very much like to be bored deep into and made scream. Scream loudly till his throat is hoarse, it will not last too long, he knows, at most till Sunday afternoon. His immune system has always been too amazing, he would prefer if it was a little more fragile. So he can scream aloud profanities and be slapped both literally and figuratively continuously and all will be as never have happened come Monday. And that is the beauty of privacy. He likes privacy.

By the time he is in another cab, his whole body is shivering and sticky under his expensive clothes, he did not shower, on purpose because he wants to elongate as much as he can this particular feeling of shallowness, of defeat, of refusal, of lowliness... And he takes great pride in that he himself was the one who brought him down like this. Not another person, himself – others can only be tools in this, it is interesting how objectifying his sexuality is at times and how most would think he makes himself to be an object and that is true partly but the other physically present party (or parties) are solely objects too. Nobody sees the real subject, he is hidden somewhere inside Akashi's body; he exists, definitely, he is a person of himself even if he does not have a separate body.

How Akashi would wish that he had... at times.

He is in front of his apartment building but changes his mind. The problem is that he is not drunk enough; Midorima and he himself are often sour on their friends drinking, they are still young for that after all, he drinks by himself but he would much prefer if his darlings did not. Perhaps he is an overprotective father type or likes to act as one. It is ridiculous and terribly hypocritical.

There is a bar near his home, it is rather fancy or to be honest very fancy for the common folk and as a result no students of the university are ever seen there, even though it is not very far away. Faculty or administrative staff are rarely seen and even if they are he can deal with the outcomes; it would not be the first time he is spotted. The idea sends a thrill through him actually, he already dislikes most of the faculty for a variety of reasons more than eighty percent of which are morally justified. Other than these possibilities, suddenly the idea of not burying himself in his bed at home but actually sitting in a bar seems very pleasing. He would sit there, nobody would know how filthy his body is underneath his pristine azure dress shirt and navy blazer jackets, the kinds of fluids his thighs are covered with underneath his black slacks. He likes the idea; there are various aspects of it he likes. But perhaps mostly he is fond of dancing around that thin line, savouring privacy in the middle of public.

So he goes to the bar, orders a scotch and despite his extremely youthful features the barkeep says nothing; it must be the watch, his old Rolex Submariner, a middle school graduation present from his father (or rather his father's secretary who was the one to both choose the present and give it to him). There is no faculty around and Akashi sighs, he is not sure whether it is of content for being left to his own or of discontent for missing a chance to mix up his night a little. He drinks a little more than usual but he should be fine, he knows his limits after all. He can take two more, that is his usual capacity, without endangering the night, and even if he endangers it, there would be ways to fix it the next day anyway. He can fix anything.

Except himself.