I do not own the characters nor the plot from Twilight. But I sure as hell wish I did.

I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare
I'm just a kid, I know that it's not fair
Nobody cares, cause I'm alone and the world is
Having more fun than me
Tonight...

-I'm Just A Kid, Simple Plan

The Secret Life of the American Vampire

Chapter 1

I opened my groggy eyes to see a rat nibbling on the collar of my coat. I shot upward and let a girly shriek escape my lips as the gray pest scurried away. A headache pounded the innermost part of my skull. I quickly ran my hands over my jacket, as if to erase the presence of the filthy creature. Placing my hand on a nearby dumpster to help prop myself up, a realization struck me.

Was I sleeping? I thought to myself. Vampires can't sleep. And why am I in an alley? A puzzled look crossed my face. Where am I?

I listened for the sound of the ever-present, random thoughts that always raced across my brain. They mostly consisted of the mindless babbling of people walking around the street. But one caught my attention. I peered down the alley to see a group of tourists, decked in fanny packs and cameras hanging from their necks, jumping excitedly.

Next stop, Times Square!

I noticed the I love NY t-shirts they were all wearing.

I was in New York City.

One Day Earlier `

" Edward, now let's turn that frown upside-down."

I let my unhappy mouth settle into a deeper frown and crossed my arms over my chest. "But I never get to go anywhere fun!"

Bella sighed. "We went over this Edward. If we want to be like the humans, then we have to live by their rules."

"But I have a fake ID!" I protested. "I can get in easily."

"No, Edward." Carlisle added. "This family has morals. We don't drink human blood. We don't leave the toilet seat up, and we certainly don't allow underage teens sneak into nightclubs, no matter how stupid the bouncer is."

I allowed his thoughts to swarm into mine, seeing the chubby bouncer with clown shoes and a stick in hand that he used to beat his own head with that Carlisle had imagined.

"Morals?" I replied sarcastically.

"Yes. Morals."

"Whatever. And I'm not underage. I'm 108 years old!" I countered.

Carlisle continued to maintain the peaceful, wise look that he was known for. "Edward, you are forever seventeen. That makes you underage."

Teen angst suddenly overwhelmed me. I had a strong urge to stomp my foot and throw something against the wall. Instead, I decided to act in a mature manner.

"I HATE YOU ALL. YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE!" I flung myself onto the white couch, sending it skidding across the floor, and began sobbing tearlessly. "It's just not fair." I cried into my sleeve.

Esme and Bella rushed to my side. "Oh, sweetie." Esme soothed. "It's ok. You'll always be my little Eddie."

"I don't want to be little anymore!" I shouted into the pillow on the couch.

Bella placed her arm gently on mine. "Edward, you know I love you and I will do anything to keep you happy. I mean, you are my other half."

I looked up at her face, red-rimmed eyes pooling with invisible tears. "So you'll stay home with me?"

"Psh, no. I meant anything except that. I need a break from you Edward. You're just the teensiest bit demanding."

My hope shattered. " Just go then! I can have fun on my own anyway."

Esme went to wrap her arms around me, but Bella stopped her.

"He just needs space."

They quietly exited the room. Rosalie, Alice, Jasper, and Emmett said bye as they went out the front door. Carlisle and Esme soon followed . Bella stopped with her hand on the doorknob.

"Edward?" she called.

I didn't answer. I wanted her to know I was angry.

"How about I take you to Chucky Cheese tomorrow?"

My head snapped up. In half a second I had my arms wrapped around her body, jumping up and down. "Oh boy! Do you really mean it Bella?"

"Of course," she said as she unwrapped my arms from around her. She kissed me and took a step out the door.

"By the way," she added. "I got you a babysitter." She quickly ran to the garage, sensing my growing anger, and jumped in Emmett's jeep. The car quickly tore down the winding driveway, and sped away.

I stood in the doorway, with my mouth gaping. I can't go clubbing AND I have a babysitter. This is bull crap.

With Renesmee at Charlie's for the weekend, the house was empty except for me.

But that stupid babysitter is coming, I thought.

I turned around to head to my room. My quick maneuver caused my hip to knock down a vase sitting on its pedestal. With searing teen fury blinding me, it shattered on the ground, broken glass spreading across the floor, before I could catch it.

"Great!" I exclaimed. "Bella's gonna be mad at me."

That's when the smell hit me.

Only one person had that malodorous, Dorito-mixed-with-wet-dog scent.

"Jacob," I said through gritted teeth.

He poked his shaggy head from around the door. "Yes?" he replied with a smirk on his lips.

"You're my babysitter?"

"That's correct, little guy." His grin stretched from ear to ear.

I stomped my foot, causing the wood floor to splinter. " But your not even eighteen yet!"

He snorted. " Ed, you came to my birthday party three months ago."

I stared blankly at him.

"Well that doesn't matter anyway. And um, Nessie isn't here right?"

"No. She's at Charlie's." My eyes narrowed as the words left my lips. Usually Jacob was anxious to see Renesmee.

"Good," he said still standing behind the door.

I waited for him to step around it.

"Soooo…" he said awkwardly. "Could I maybe borrow some…"

"Ew." I interrupted, seeing what he was thinking. " I would never allow a filthy dog like you to wear my designer clothes!"

"Aw c'mon Edward. I accidentally ripped my last pair of jeans when I was changing back to human form." He stuck his bottom lip out and made puppy-dog eyes. As if pouting would win me over.

"I said no!"

"Fine." he huffed. " I guess I'll just walk around totally naked, then." With a smile on his face, he began stepping around the door.

Seeing the mental image of his bare ass sitting on my white couch sent me soaring upstairs to quickly gather clothes. Before he even got completely around the front door, I had thrown a pile of garments at his feet.

His smile deepened. "Thanks, Ed."

"No problem," I sneered, sticking my tongue out at him.

He glanced up at me as he pulled on my Armani jeans. As soon as he took them off, I was going to burn them. Or rip them into little shreds and sow them back together to form letters that spell I hate you, Jacob. Or maybe just burn them.

"Real mature, Edward."

My eyes narrowed. " And walking into my house naked is?"

"Yup," he smirked. My jeans came up above his ankles. What a freak. How much taller could he get?

He looked down at the hems, deciding what to do about the issue.

"Don't even think about rolling up my designer pants!" I shouted, reading his mind.

"Ok. If you insist." He turned and began walking toward the living room. I headed towards the staircase. As I placed my foot on the first step, I heard something rip.

Faster than light, I spun around. In his hands he held the lower halves of my jeans. He had torn them up to his knees to make cutoffs.

"You filthy mutt," I hissed.

"Well, I figured you could have seen it coming. At least now I can be comfortable in your smelly bloodsucker clothes."

That was the last straw. I don't buy expensive Gucci perfume to be called smelly.

Before I could calm myself, I began sprinting towards Jacob. I pounced on him, sending both of us barreling through the wall behind him. With a huge crash, the wall collapsed as we hit the wooden planks of the porch outside, leaving a gaping hole behind us.

Jake pushed me off of him, astonished. "What the hell Edward?" He brushed his chest off and turned to look at his back. "My back is going to freaking ache after this," he complained.

"UGH! Just shut up Jacob! Look what you made me do! I am going to be sooo grounded."

"Whoa there," he said as he raised his hands defensively. "You need to get your hormones under control."

"Hormones?" I shouted. "HORMONES?"

He snickered.

"WHAT?" I screamed into his face.

"You still get grounded." His stupid goofy grin was once again displayed across his face.

I counted backwards from ten inside my head. If I kill him, Nessie will cry. And you know that children tears scare the crap out of you, I reminded myself.

My clenched hands slowly released. At least I had one thing to look forward to.

I turned around and began to stalk into my living room.

"Where ya goin'?" Jacob called from behind me.

"I am going to watch to best show ever invented. Ever."

He ran to catch up to me and plopped onto the couch the same second that I did. "Deadliest Warrior?"

I chuckled. " No, naïve Jacob."

"Then what?" he draped his russet arms along the back of the sofa.

"Ok one, its called deodorant. Get with the picture."

He lowered his nose to his armpit, inhaled, and shrugged.

As I turned my face towards to the flat-screen, out of the corner of my eye, I saw him gag.

I quickly changed to channel to MTV.

"And second, Jersey Shore!" I squealed excitedly.

As soon as the words left my mouth, Jacob hit the floor laughing. "You. . . Watch. . . Jersey. . .Shore?" he exclaimed in between fits of laughter.

"Shut up mutt!"

"And here I pegged you as the brooding, sensitive type." He continued laughing.

"I am brooding and sensitive. I work hard to maintain a reputation." I sniffed.

After he was done shaking with laughter, he pushed himself off the ground and walked to the TV.

"Get out of the way, I can't see Snooki," I complained.

He pressed his finger on the power button, and just like that, my reality was shattered.

"Nobody. Turns off. Jersey. Shore." The anger inside me had reached a tipping point. You can walk into my house naked, try to steal my wife, and then go for my daughter when she rejects you, but nobody messes with my Jersey Shore.

I felt like a cartoon character with fumes of smoke blowing out of their ears.

"Sorry, kiddo. But Bella doesn't want you watching inappropriate shows."

"Don't call me that!" I yelled. I took the remote and threw it at his head with lightning speed. He ducked in the nick of time, causing the remote to go straight through the TV and shatter against the wall.

"You got some serious anger issues man."

"Oh yeah," I countered. "Well, you got some serious douche bag issues, dog!"

I shot up from the couch and grabbed my keys in the entry hall.

"Where are you going, mister?" Jacob scolded.

"Like you care."

He shrugged. "True."

I stormed out the front door, past the humongous hole, and slammed it behind me. The wood groaned and a crack appeared down the center of it.

From inside the house I heard Jacob mutter, "I still better be getting paid."

I trudged to the garage and angrily thrust the keys into the ignition. My Volvo's engine revved as I formulated a plan in my head.

Tonight, I was going to party like it was 1999.

(And not just because that is what Snooki would do.)

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